Is it normal to be so jealous of my ex-husbands new partner?

[theemptyspace]

My ex husband and have been divorced for 2 years. I am 46 and he is 42 now. We married young, him very young and we had 3 children early on. The early years were tough but we loved each other then, I was the boss and he seemed to need that. However in his late 20's he took a new job, great money but a lot of travel and working away from home. In the years that followed I got used to being on my own a lot with the kids, I set things up how I liked them and in retrospect I can see I didn't leave space in the home for him. At the same time, he was maturing, beginning to have more of his own ideas on how things should be. As far as I was concerned I was the boss so we fought more and more.

At one stage we could maybe have done something to save the marriage but we both failed to address the problems, he threw himself into work and I into the home and kids. When he told me he was leaving me and wanted a divorce I was devestated but I wasn't surprised, not really. It was at least a clean break with no third party involved and that made it easier on all of us.

However over the past year we have both started dating again. I joined a dating site and have been on some dates but at the moment, the children are still my focus and to be honest my stock isn't exactly riding high at the moment. He also tried online dating and had some short term girlfriends but last year met a woman though old friends of his. At first I did not expect it to last but it seems to be going well for them, very well.

When I have seen them together he looks smitten with her and no wonder, she is 38, never married and no children so she looks more like 28 and worse she is a yoga teacher so has this incredible body. She has a degree and has traveled the world, lived in India. She seems a lovely person and my kids like her. I can't fault her handling of the kids and she always defers to me (and my ex-husband) over issues regarding them i.e. she is a veggie but will cook fish and chicken for them as I was not happy about them not getting enough protein when staying with her and my ex.

Her presence,her existance making me miserable though. Nothing that has happened is her fault but even though its not as though my ex went out and hooked up with a 22 year old she is still 8 years, nearly 9 years younger than me and next to her I feel like a sexless hag. Seeing my ex so happy with someone else is difficult too. I feel like I shouldn't care but I do. Objectively I can see how good they look together, he was a boy when I married him and he's a handsome, mature, successful man now but its her who gets that part of him, when he is entering his prime. I can see nobody would put us together anymore, I look more like his mum. It almost makes it worse that she is so kind and warm.

Perhaps I am not really over my ex, I thought I was but I feel so jealous of her. I both like it was all so inevitable but I also feel betrayed even though they met after we divorced. I don't know how I would feel if it was a woman more like myself he was with. I think I expected him to date a few much younger women but to end up with someone more like me she is the 3rd possibility I never entertained i.e. that he would hit the jackpot.

I don't have to see her too much but the kids see her and speak well of her, I see her in pictures and speak to her on the phone sometimes I wish she would just drop off the face of the earth.

Are these feelings normal or am I in real trouble her?

I think your feelings are entirely normal but they are very painful. It must be very difficult for you but it is what it is. I think it would help if you could find a trusted friend or confidant to offload these thoughts to. Because you are not smitten yourself you feel lost and alone and that is entirely normal.

I would feel the same.

I agree that your feelings are quite normal, if extremely painful.

Try not to focus on it and to work on yourself and your own life.

Your feelings are absolutely bloody normal (Unless you are aspiring to the sainthood)

Your feelings are about as normal as it gets, and as painful, but you are wise enough to see that the issue is not her or him, but your feelings about yourself reflected onto what is an incredibly awkward and painful situation s it is anyway.

By all intents and purposes your ex sounds like a good person who deserves to be happy, and barring your focus on his new partner, you also seem to think in the same vein, but it is entirely natural for there to be sense of private comparison between yourself and her, and when you are at a low point confidence wise, this just eats away at you.

One thing is for certain, and I know you will not believe me, but his new partner will be having moments of comparison, no doubt worrying that she won't match up to you, to how committed you are to your family, how focused on your children, she will never have the history you have, she will wonder if she could keep his interest the way you did, she has the handsome, successful and mature man, but you contributed a huge amount to him growing into that person, just as you do the same with your children now, do you have any idea of your value and how intimidating that will be?

I know it is a cliche, but this really is the time for you to focus on yourself, feeling this low and pained will just keep chipping little bits off of you, it all starts with one small change and snowballs from there, you just need to decide on the change.

((((theempty))))

It all sounds entirely justified and very painful.

I would be the same. Totally normal I think. Such a shame for you though. Very painful.

Don't best yourself up. I wouldn't put yourself under pressure but in time you could meet someone you adore and maybe is more suited to you???

Beat not best

I think your marriage was the right thing for you at the time but it isn't now. I think if it was that unequal ( ie you told him what to do ) you were both at a different stage. Time is what it's going to need. You don't know what his new woman has gone though in her life either,

I'm the same after ten(?) years!

I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole but get really weird when he has yet another a gf. I guess it's the fact he's in a relationship that I am envious of - I want to be sharing my life with someone too! (But not him!!)

I would guess that most 38 year old childless women will feel that they have totally missed out on a part of life, that of child rearing.

And 38 is quite old to remain single - I am generalizing a lot here of course, but you are assuming that she is a great catch but possibly she doubts her ability to keep a close relationship going or has other fears which means she has not formed a relationship with anyone before now.

Ardent yoga enthusiasts can seem a bit distant, calm and relaxed in their beliefs but a bit other worldly to ordinary mortals.

You are projecting your views onto her due to your own self-esteem issues, age, looks when in fact she could be very much in awe and admiring of you and your achievements (as stated above).

Raising DCs is the hardest job in the world, imv, but I can go Ohhhhmmmm like the next person.

I agree with the others. Time to focus on yourself.

I met a 40 year old yoga teacher on holiday last year our hotel. She was running a group nearby for a week long yoga retreat. the first few days I watched her by the pool,amazing body, calm, gentle, collected, self assured.
She was a lovely person, and we started talking.
She had lived in India, travelled the world, but hearing her talk I began to see that she felt sad that she had sacrificed motherhood to follow her path. She loved her yoga, but I came to see it as a little self absorbed, I saw that free spirit as a wanderer without roots.
She asked a lot about motherhood, birth, breastfeeding and felt that she had missed out on one of the important parts of being a woman.

Yoga can transform, but so does motherhood. I don't have a sylph like body, but I have the strength and wisdom that motherhood brings.

Embrace that, you don't know how this other woman feels.

I can identify with this OP. My long term relationship ended a couple of years ago and although there is NC, I knew he was dating - saw him on OD sites and was fine about that.

Then I saw him and new woman on Facebook and was shocked by how upset it made me. He looked so happy and was all twinkly eyed and loved up.

For months I was constantly thinking i was going to bump into them wherever I went. I'd created their relationship into some sort of fairytale in my head. It was ridiculous as I don't want him back and he can do as he wants with who he wants.

What it made me realise when I'd stopped feeling I was going mad is that he is just getting on with his life, and after an initial flurry on OD sites after we'd split up, I'd stopped looking for another partner and doing new things.

I decided to join more things, had a bit of makeover (changed my hair colour, bought a few new things, started gyming again) just so I felt better about myself. And slowly I found that his new woman and their relationship no longer occupied my thoughts. There's still some hurt there, but its just the occasional flicker now.

So I suppose what I'm trying to say is get busy and stop focussing on them. Focus on you and your DC, because that is where happiness lies.

She defers to you because she respects you and sees things in you that you don't see in yourself.

I am 53 and would never date a vegetarian no matter how young, fit or accommodating.

You have achieved so much more than she has just through mothering 3 kids - Do not ever underestimate just what a fantastic job that is.

I'm a man in an almost identical situation to your ex, the major difference being my wife left me, then wanted to come back and as I was happy on my own I said no. A few months later I met someone else. Unfortunately she is not as balanced as you, and although our children like my new partner, she cannot even acknowledge her existence. My new partner is kind and thoughtful to our teenage kids, but they tell me their Mum is paranoid about her becoming step mum even though she has children of her own to think about. Even when new partner does something nice she has not got it in her to even acknowledge it. It affects our children and I think in time they will see it for what it is, that she is insanely bitter and jealous. She has never even met her, and I think is afraid to as my wife was older than me and new partner is younger. I think she avoids it as will be like meeting her nemesis.

So OP, I take my hat off you for doing the right thing, and am sure in time, probably when you meet someone you too are happy with then these feelings will subside. In the meantime I am sure your children are thankful that their Dad met someone nice and that Mum is OK with it, at least on the outside, I know my kids don't say anything to their Mum, but I know they think she is pretty petty and jealous by her behaviour.

It has also been interesting reading that the consensus here is that it is all normal to feel like this, as I don't think men feel the same way at all. I would be over the moon if my ex met a nice man and was happy as she would hopefully be a better mum instead of the up and down emotional roller coaster she is now!

I think the way you're feeling is perfectly normal. I don't think your feeling this way because you want your ex back but rather you just want the same. If you were dating someone you were serious about then I don't think those feelings would be there.

The comment you made about looking like your ex mother, time to change that. Why not focus on making the best of yourself, stop thinking of her and just you.

When a relationship comes to an end I try to focus on myself, make new interests and make sure I look the best I can. It's not to find a new partner but for my own benefit and gives me confidence. I think you would definitely benefit from it and hopefully those feelings will fade.

Perfectly normal I would imagine, just keep reminding yourself that she is kind to your children. You will get past this. You would have a whole different set of problems if she didn't like your children. Her life is probably not so perfect.

You sound like a really lovely person OP, I think you feelings are perfectly normal and your attitude shows great grace and generosity of spirit.

Covalone78: I am 53 and would never date a vegetarian no matter how young, fit or accommodating.

Why not?

You have achieved so much more than she has just through mothering 3 kids - Do not ever underestimate just what a fantastic job that is.

It's not a competition. Also, that is an insult to women who cannot have children. The wrong way to approach this is by continuing to rate yourself against this woman, comparing, looks, achievements, age, children etc etc. If you admire aspects of her life, such as her calmness or toned body, then use this positively as inspiration to become an improved version of yourself, rather than envying her. I speak from experience! I took up all kinds of new hobbies when an ex left me. It was actually a really good thing for me. If you like, I became the sort of person I wanted to date.

At the root of your worry seems to be a feeling that her qualities somehow outweigh yours and that she is more appealing. You mention looking older and feeling like his mum, and that no one would put you together anymore now he is in his prime. You clearly have a lack of confidence at the moment which this woman has brought to a head. The thing is, unless you deal with that and find things to be confident about in your own right, this woman will always make you feel a bit insecure. Are you worried about not meeting someone yourself, or about not being attractive?

RedRoom - Because I have the right to choose and have to answer to nobody about my choices least of all you!!

As for me being insulting, suggest you learn the local lingo!! This planet does not interpret pride as being insulting!!!

Thank you everyone, it makes me feel a bit better knowing that how I am feeling is normal. I don't know if I want him back, that boat sailed a long time ago but I realise I have huge regrets and wish I could go back to that time where I could have made a difference, when he was trying and I just wouldn't see it.

I day dream about transforming myself and making him see what he has lost, but In the looks department she beats me hands down and also I want to do that, improve myself for the right reasons not out of jealousy or because of some fantasy he will want me again.

I just need more time but I am also not getting any younger so I get a bit down and fixate on her. I do feel better for having got it out though. I appreciate you all for listening.

Op I totally understand your feelings towards her. And that she got the best bits of your ex husband, where you were there to support your husbands development into the man he is today, but someone else kind if gets the reward and almost the credit too.

But one thing is you are still young and she is not much younger than you. Of course she has a great body but she hasn't felt her baby move inside her, she hasn't sniffed little sleeping children of her own and she has missed out on a helluva lot.

Also if she wants children she may have a baby with your ex husband and after that she will have to get through those hard times of newborn and relationship stress and won't have time to be a soulful yoga goddess - although obviously she'll return to that over time. You can also return to your goddess (that sounds so girl power sorry) but I mean you are far from a sexless old hag but as long as you think of yourself as that then you are!

Easy for me to say but start the 30 day shred, make any changes to hair and make up that are overdue (bobbi brown make up lesson good)

Start to invest in your own well being and confidence :)

As for me being insulting, suggest you learn the local lingo!! This planet does not interpret pride as being insulting!!!

But what you said wasn't an expression of pride - you said that she had achieved more than the new partner through being a mother. I agree with RedRoom, that is an insulting comparison. The OP's achievements are different and yes, something she should be proud of, but that doesn't mean they are any better or worse than anything the new partner has achieved.

Just a simple question. Do you still love your husband ?
When you see him now, as an adult, matured, with maybe a little slight look. Do you feel attracted to him ?

You need to be honest with yourself.

Should also add I agree with the rest of RedRoom's post too - with anything in life, comparison can be something that leads to misery.

OP I think your feelings are totally normal too. You have listed so many positive things about the situation, one of the main ones being that she gets on with your children and defers appropriately to you as their mother, hopefully if you focus on these things, as time passes you will feel better :)

Do I still love my ex-husband, sadly I think I still do but that isn't the same as wanting him back I don't think. I am certainly still attracted to him.

I try not to to compare myself to her but then I might be feeling good about myself one day and then I see a photo of her in skinny jeans on my daughters facebook and I feel like crap.

She is kind to my children which I appreciate but its also hurts too that they like her and enjoy being with her. I know this is all irrational but its just how I feel.