Is it normal to be so jealous of my ex-husbands new partner?

[theemptyspace]

My ex husband and have been divorced for 2 years. I am 46 and he is 42 now. We married young, him very young and we had 3 children early on. The early years were tough but we loved each other then, I was the boss and he seemed to need that. However in his late 20's he took a new job, great money but a lot of travel and working away from home. In the years that followed I got used to being on my own a lot with the kids, I set things up how I liked them and in retrospect I can see I didn't leave space in the home for him. At the same time, he was maturing, beginning to have more of his own ideas on how things should be. As far as I was concerned I was the boss so we fought more and more.

At one stage we could maybe have done something to save the marriage but we both failed to address the problems, he threw himself into work and I into the home and kids. When he told me he was leaving me and wanted a divorce I was devestated but I wasn't surprised, not really. It was at least a clean break with no third party involved and that made it easier on all of us.

However over the past year we have both started dating again. I joined a dating site and have been on some dates but at the moment, the children are still my focus and to be honest my stock isn't exactly riding high at the moment. He also tried online dating and had some short term girlfriends but last year met a woman though old friends of his. At first I did not expect it to last but it seems to be going well for them, very well.

When I have seen them together he looks smitten with her and no wonder, she is 38, never married and no children so she looks more like 28 and worse she is a yoga teacher so has this incredible body. She has a degree and has traveled the world, lived in India. She seems a lovely person and my kids like her. I can't fault her handling of the kids and she always defers to me (and my ex-husband) over issues regarding them i.e. she is a veggie but will cook fish and chicken for them as I was not happy about them not getting enough protein when staying with her and my ex.

Her presence,her existance making me miserable though. Nothing that has happened is her fault but even though its not as though my ex went out and hooked up with a 22 year old she is still 8 years, nearly 9 years younger than me and next to her I feel like a sexless hag. Seeing my ex so happy with someone else is difficult too. I feel like I shouldn't care but I do. Objectively I can see how good they look together, he was a boy when I married him and he's a handsome, mature, successful man now but its her who gets that part of him, when he is entering his prime. I can see nobody would put us together anymore, I look more like his mum. It almost makes it worse that she is so kind and warm.

Perhaps I am not really over my ex, I thought I was but I feel so jealous of her. I both like it was all so inevitable but I also feel betrayed even though they met after we divorced. I don't know how I would feel if it was a woman more like myself he was with. I think I expected him to date a few much younger women but to end up with someone more like me she is the 3rd possibility I never entertained i.e. that he would hit the jackpot.

I don't have to see her too much but the kids see her and speak well of her, I see her in pictures and speak to her on the phone sometimes I wish she would just drop off the face of the earth.

Are these feelings normal or am I in real trouble her?

Normal OP as long as you can rationalise it after the feelings of jealousy. She's only 8 years younger than you and I would doubt very much you look like your ex's mum, don't be silly now.

It's early days, in the near future you will be delighted that your children like her and vice versa and she is good to them.

Get back on the dating scene, you clearly need a distraction from this so called perfect woman, who of course is not, it's like Facebook, everyone happy on the outside but in reality we all have shit happening and struggles in life, even this super model!

You asked "is it normal?". I do not know what is normal or not, I just know what is true. If you feel this way then you feel this way. It is just that not everybody expresses their feelings in a bad way or do something which then harm someone else. But the feelings are valid anyhow. They are true.

What do you like about him ? Why ?
Also, you mentioned that you cannot have him back. Why ?

If you answer these questions to yourself, then maybe it will start to make sense. Plus also, I know it may sound icky, but whatever. The qualities he did have, you need to find that quality within another person that has it. If that was what made you attracted to him to begin with. Now that things have settled. There is always something that attracts us to someone in a lifelong partnership.

You also sound like you resent him as well. i.e. that he won't find someone to love for him. But that is what he wanted from the beginning. The question also is whether you have forgiven him on the past and on the parts where he did make mistakes, and have you also accepted the mistakes too. Because once you have, you will feel more relieved, and then you can focus more on your own life then.

Dare I say that he may also feel a kind of jealousy too when the day comes whereby he has to see his children call someone else "Dad". He will then have to learn to share his children with another person and see them show affection on another man too.

Normal, I think.

You talk quite a lot about how fit/toned she is. Is that something you would like to have? Is there perhaps something you could do to have it? More exercise, change diet? Not saying you should want it, btw, but if you really wanted to you could.

She will probably feel slightly wistful about the fact you were his first wife and that you have children with him. It's a GOOD thing that your children like her! It's so hard when stepmothers are not accommodating. However, you are their mother and she isn't. Their feelings for you will be totally different and much more profound.

By the way, on the flip side also. Even though you may not see this but, there will also be men who likes the "yummy mummy". Or to see how you treat your children will bring out some kind of protective feeling from himself too. So there will be people out there for you who wants to be there for you too. And... you also have absolute permission to let yourself be a teenager again and really do see a guy for who he is and so forth and to have a better future together.

I agree with all the positives posts from the other posters.

However if you wanted to hear something er different then being 38 does makes her a catch now. In 5 years she'll be pracitical mid forties and he'll be nearly 50. She still may be attractive but she won't be young anymore. She'll probably feeling like you do now.
On the plus you'll be 51 which is still young enough to look like a good 40 year old without the pressure to look 30.
I'd get a diet and a haircut and get on with your next chapter.

Excuse me, OP, while I digress.

Covalone78 Because I have the right to choose and have to answer to nobody about my choices least of all you!!

A rather aggressive response to a question. You do realise this is a discussion forum, and so posting things may lead to people commenting? If you don't want to answer, you could always say, 'I'd prefer not to say'.

As for me being insulting, suggest you learn the local lingo!! This planet does not interpret pride as being insulting!!!

I'm not sure what you are on about with local lingo and the opinions of the planet. Again, a forum is people may post opinions which don't correlate with yours. And yes, mine is still that your comment about childless women was insulting. You didn't say she should have 'pride' in being a mother. You said 'you have achieved so much more than she has just through mothering three kids'. That is more supercilious than proud.

OP, I am glad that you feel better for having posted and for having so many people reassure you that your feelings are very normal. I would try to take heart from the fact that she seems to have no desire to replace you or make you uncomfortable.

^ is where people...

OP My XH left when my DC were small. I live alone with them, they are now teenagers. About three years ago, maybe a little longer I saw a picture of my x with another woman, I was gutted! It wasn't because she had him and I didn't, it wasn't because I wanted him, I didn't and don't. My issue was me. He had a new partner I didn't. I chose not to date while my DC were growing up, even so it stung. I decided that if I was feeling that way for no reason I could think of, then perhaps I needed to think about me. I lost a pile of weight, had my hair done and then went looking for answers to my wrinkles.

I am dating now and all feelings towards my XH have gone. I look great, certainly better than I did. I take care of myself, my DC are proud to walk down the street with me and my confidence is sky high.

Why all the waffle? Perhaps you see yourself simply as a mother, while being a mother is a wonderful thing to be, you also need to be you! If you want to date then do it! Get some beauty treatments, go on a diet, do exercise, something that makes you feel better and not just a mum. Too many woman IMO lose themselves in their role as mum. Become you again, and then your feelings towards your XH as normal as they are, should ease as you feel better about you - the person.

RedRoom and BitterOldOtter

Couldn’t agree more. Some of the comments on here are astoundingly insulting! I’m a 39 year old woman who doesn’t want to have children, but I certainly don’t hold women who have have had children in a higher regard because of the ‘achievement’ of their decision to procreate, having sex with someone and bearing children is not an achievement, passing a degree or running a marathon is an achievement! All women are equal. It’s not a competition, as you so rightly put it.

And Covalone78 you really do talk a right load of old tosh.

Niimspartacus, I think raising children well is an achievement, it can go so badly wrong and can be hard to get wrong.
Don't dismiss motherhood too lightly. Mothering children is a transformatve process, and many women grow and develop as a result of the big challenges that motherhood brings.
Being a mother can allow for great personal growth and deepen our understanding of ourselves and the rest of the world that is hard to achieve though any other process.

Noimspartacus, and I say this as someone who was realatively late to motherhood, close to the age you are now, so I have seen adult life from both a childless state and that of being a mother.
No it's not a competition, but by the same token it is hard to understand the position of motherhood when you don't have any children.

I agree that having children who grow up happy is an achievement, but a so is climbing a mountain or any of the achievements accomplished by men who haven't given birth. It's just different. Oprah Winfrey has achieved more than most women could dream of, but she doesn't have children.

My objection to Covalone78 wasn't her stating that theemptyspace 'had achieved so much' by having children. It was that she added the word 'more' to it, and turned it into a competition where women with children trump those that don't. I think encouraging OP to see this woman as competition on any level is unhelpful. I also think stating that childless women- through choice or through infertility- are unaccomplished and thus inferior is upsetting.

Building one woman up doesn’t mean tearing another one down. She may have parts you envy and the reverse may also be true. You need to focus on finding the positives within yourself, especially before entering another relationship. People find different fulfilments in life so focus on what makes you feel good.

It is good your children like her and she treats them well as imagine the alternative. You will always be mother to your children, her relationship with them can be good without taking away yours.

All seems totally normal to me. Remember the things you like about yourself and work on changing those you don’t. Then you can move forward and find your own path in life and maybe someone lovely to share it with

And crap, I didn’t notice this was a zombie thread...

Some of these comments are starting to get a bit shitty, so you're only a real woman if you have kids. Nice. Lots of us have medical problems that we don't advertise to the world but we are still women and live fulfilling lives.

Op, she sounds nice and sounds like she treats your kids well. It could be worse, he could have met someone that they don't like. I've been through that after my parents split and it's rough.

As others said, focus on you. No-one is perfect no matter how it seems from the outside.

Oops zombied. Sorry about that.

my husband's ex wife is seducing my husband to divorce our marriage, My husband started misbehaving giving unnecessary attitude to me and our kids... Our home was at the verge of breaking into piece because I've had enough, there's always a limit everyone can take. A week to finalize our divorce I saw a post on Yelp talking about how to solve marriage problems. I reached out to find out that love solution temple has reunited almost half of american families and relationship forks facing heart break and divorce problems in their marriages. I reached out to (www.lovesolutiontemple. com)(sangopriestesslovesolution@ outlook. com) immediately so I can find a way to save my marriage. I got a love solution from the sango priestess of the temple and I was promised to get results in 12 hours. Not even up to 5 hours my husband came home. he has being living with his ex for over 6 months since the divorce started. My husband came back confessing and his ex confused and brainwashed him to divorce me. This was exactly what the love solution priestess told me. We canceled the divorce and our family is reunited in love and in peace. I am so happy i got help to save my family for my kids.

my husband's ex wife is seducing my husband to divorce our marriage, My husband started misbehaving giving unnecessary attitude to me and our kids... Our home was at the verge of breaking into piece because I've had enough, there's always a limit everyone can take. A week to finalize our divorce I saw a post on Yelp talking about how to solve marriage problems. I reached out to find out that love solution temple has reunited almost half of american families and relationship forks facing heart break and divorce problems in their marriages. I reached out to (www. lovesolutiontemple. com)(sangopriestesslovesolution @ outlook. com) immediately so I can find a way to save my marriage. I got a love solution from the sango priestess of the temple and I was promised to get results in 12 hours. Not even up to 5 hours my husband came home. he has being living with his ex for over 6 months since the divorce started. My husband came back confessing and his ex confused and brainwashed him to divorce me. This was exactly what the love solution priestess told me. We canceled the divorce and our family is reunited in love and in peace. I am so happy i got help to save my family for my kids.

OP I think it's entirely normal and you shouldn't be too hard on yourself.

But...

You have achieved so much more than she has just through mothering 3 kids

What a horrible thing to say. You don't achieve more than other people through having children. You can be proud of your kids and of being a mother but it doesn't make you better than someone who doesn't/can't. How rude!

I think we can all be supportive of the OP without insulting a woman who's actually not done anything wrong can't we?

Damn it. Zombie 🙈