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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he playing mind games?

43 replies

CerseisSister · 14/05/2014 08:38

Married 17 years, 3dc, sahm mostly. Had a works dinner last weekend with dh. A colleague of dh said she wanted to "apologise for what happened and dh said he'd told me, but she was very sorry". Stewed for a day, then asked dh (calmly!) why she would have said that. Dh ummed & aahed then stormed out, came back in a raging temper and said he'd rung her and she'd never said that and if I couldn't trust him then I should just p* off now. He said I was making it up and he was upset that I even suggested they were having an affair. He made me feel so guilty for doubting him that I thought I should be grovelling and making it up to him.
However ..... At the dinner there were lots of longing looks between them and he has been calling me by her name recently and in feb they had a 2 week work trip to US together and he's been v "tired" since then.
This is my first time on MN and I could do with help on this - should I be apologising for jumping to conclusions, or is he playing games? Thanksx

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 14/05/2014 08:48

He's cheating, or wants to, or tried to. That's what I think.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 14/05/2014 08:52

I don't think he's playing mind games. I think they had a thing together in America...
I would ask him to tell you the truth or tell him to piss off now.

Original poster

CerseisSister · 14/05/2014 09:03

Yes, deep down that's what I'm afraid of, but he's v hard to have a talk with cos he's so verbally aggressive and is trying to make me feel guilty for asking him anything. And I do feel guilty when he starts on at me, he knows which buttons to press and I'm a nice mum, but maybe I need to toughen up! Any tips on confronting a dh like that? He's refusing to speak to me at the moment but blamed me for a bad nights sleep. Lol.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2014 09:07

Well if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, calls you her name by mistake and storms about chucking its toys out of the pram when asked a straight question like a duck... it's probably shagged the colleague in the US.

Don't apologise, but do insist on a straight answer.

UncrushedParsley · 14/05/2014 09:07

He is gaslighting you and stone-walling. He is making it difficult to talk to him, because he doesn't want to. Sounds like he has been unfaithful, sorry. You need to decide if you can live with that, particularly as he is denying it, and trying to make the relationship 'issue' your fault.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2014 09:09

Is he verbally aggressive when challenged about other things? Sounds like you avoid confrontation with him and I wonder if that's why. You can't speak to someone who would rather yell and scream than face the music and you should not tolerate verbal aggression. I would honestly tell him that he either comes clean or goes somewhere else to think about the consequences of his actions.

ravenmum · 14/05/2014 09:16

If the colleague came to you and apologised, then she's evidently got more balls than your husband, who's lied to both of you. Maybe you could even get her to provide you with further details, if not the whole truth.

If she thought an apology would make things better in any way, then it sounds to me like it was (initially?) a one-off "accidental" thing, e.g. both drunk, found themselves snogging/falling into bed together. Or maybe that is how he told her he explained it to you.

"Playing mind games" makes it sound cleverer than it is. It's him desperately trying to cover it up. Calling you by her name, what an arse.

shoppingfrenzy · 14/05/2014 09:23

Sounds like he's had/is having an affair with this woman. He's lashing out at you because he knows he's in the wrong. My ex did this too when he had an affair - only after it all came into the open did I realise why he'd been so difficult to live with for the last few months.

I'd get shot of him to be honest, he doesn't sound as though he's kind, loving or even thoughtful towards you. He's trying to turn it all back on you, to make it all your fault. It isn't.

You should not be apologising for jumping to conclusions. He should be apologising for storming out, shouting at you, telling you to piss off.

Original poster

CerseisSister · 14/05/2014 09:51

You're right shoppingfrenzy, thank you. I thought when I told him what ow said he would say she was a cow and just trying to stir things up, the fact that he got so angry with me instead was what made me think he felt guilty.
Ravenmum yes it did take balls for the ow to say that, she obviously thought I knew. I need to think whether to speak to her.
Cogito yes he is verbally aggressive when challenged and its hard to argue with someone who does that, which i guess is why he does it.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 14/05/2014 09:55

I'd ask him to move out while you decide what you want to happen next.

Then I'd get hold of this mum and find out exactly what has been going on. I'd also be looking through phones, emails etc to find evidence, seeing as you're unlikely to get it from him.

Is she married too?

Uptheanty · 14/05/2014 09:57

They exchanged longing looks in front if you - is that before or after the apology

FFS

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2014 09:58

People who are verbally aggressive when challenged are basically bullies. You can't argue with them, you can only stand up to them and reject them.

yoyo27 · 14/05/2014 10:05

I don't think it took her guts to tell you......she was telling you to be a cow, but making it look like "oh!! He didn't tell you?" Kind of scenario. Don't think for a minute she was being nice in telling you.

They have certainly had an affair. Sorry x

hellsbellsmelons · 14/05/2014 10:05

So he's verbally abusive, verbally aggressive.
He's a bully.
He gaslights you and stonewalls you.
This is all abuse.
Why are you putting up with it?
Do you have children?
And by the way... he's having an affair!

From the sounds of him, you'll be much better off without him.
He sounds like a vile person to be honest.
Is it time yet for practical and legal advice???
Do you have someone in real life you can discuss this with to get their perspective?
Don't forget, this is not a court of law. You do NOT need proof to end things.

Us women have great gut instincts. Listen to yours.

Original poster

CerseisSister · 14/05/2014 10:25

Hellsbells yup 3 teenagers, 2 doing exams at the moment. Yes have a good friend that i can talk to, just needed some impartial advice that i wasn't going mad first - her dh is a friend of my dh.
Yoyo27 i hadn't thought of that, but yes she is that sort of person ....

OP posts:

ravenmum · 14/05/2014 10:37

yoyo, you might be right - or maybe she was saying it to stick pins in her lover as he'd said he was going to tell all, and hadn't got round to it. But whether she wants to apologise, hurt him or hurt Cerse, she's talkative. She might exaggerate or lie to make it hurt more, so you can't trust what she says, but there's something going on there and she might offer some details or even proof.

Jan45 · 14/05/2014 11:08

He is taking the piss out of you, right in front of your face, they sat longingly looking at each other, and you said what about it?

They've had an affair and still are possibly or will reignite it next time they get the chance.

Seriously tell him to F.OFF - his contempt for you is unbelievable.

Original poster

CerseisSister · 14/05/2014 11:23

Jan45 hell yes it was simmering away there??.
I will give him one opportunity to come clean and be honest, which I very much doubt, but hey you never know - the ow might have threatened to tell all if he doesn't, but then i am going to follow what jeanseberg said and get some proof. At least then when he tries to do the gas-lighting thing and make out i imagined it, then i know i didn't.
Thanks for all your helpxx

OP posts:

Jan45 · 14/05/2014 11:27

You've got all the proof you need OP.

Jan45 · 14/05/2014 11:28

He'll have deleted and covered his tracks now, he knows you're on to him.

croquet · 14/05/2014 11:40

Omg he has been calling you by her name! I didn't read that the first time. That's too much.

You do sound like a good mum, and part of this is not rocking the boat for children, but part of it is making sure their mum and family isn't taken the piss out of. Can you wait til thair exams are over, secure the info by either having a private chat with OW or getting the mutual friend to find out, then once the kids are on hols leave him.

I'd never, ever usually say leave him, and never have on Mumsnet, but in this situation, and because of the tone of your post I think you need to wait til circumstances are right / you have a little more info and then lance him off with one swing of the sword. No rows, no pleading, no second chance.

Original poster

CerseisSister · 22/05/2014 12:25

UPDATE! Okay spoke to dh's (& ow's) bosses wife, who said the boss was furious about what was going on and was calling them both in for a meeting to put a stop to it. She said she couldn't get involved but yes they had a 'thing' while they were on work trip and wasn't sure, but looked like it was still going on. Thank you mrs boss. Confronted dh when next back (staying away most of time now) and he said boss's wife was lying (!). The ow? Lying too. Me? Well I'm the biggest liar of them all. Then he had the f-- cheek to accuse me of flirting etc etc and listed all the guys I'd ever spoken to and said HE was deeply hurt (tears) that I couldn't trust him when he'd done nothing wrong and I was the one with "trust issues". Huh?
Checked both his emails (go me!) but yes he's deleted everything. So no written proof, just verbal and yes I do now accept that he had at least a fling while away, if not more. Anyway I'm sitting tight, rearranging the finances (ha!!) and checking for proof still, before the kids finish exams and i decide what to do. He's skulking around alternating between anger, tears, buying stupid gifts to apologise (for?) and giggling at his emails.
BUT is this normal behaviour? Why wont he just admit it? I am now upset about the betrayal, but SOooooooo mad about the lies. Will he ever come clean? Can I make him confess?

OP posts:

Overtiredbackagain · 22/05/2014 12:41

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Do you really need him to confess? You know the truth, the wife of their boss has no reason to lie to you.

You need to put yourself and your DC first now, what do YOU want to do? I think you are doing the right thing re finances etc.

Sorry, no practical help, I just wanted to say you sound lovely, you're a great mum and you'll get through this.

maras2 · 22/05/2014 12:54

He's following 'The Script' love.Next he'll be wandering around looking disheveled and forlorn,feigning mental health problems probably depression.Don't be surprised if he throws in a hint at suicide.It's all in 'The Script'.

Jan45 · 22/05/2014 12:58

Sorry OP, he sounds completely void of any remorse, he's a complete twat of a man, get rid as soon as you possibly can.

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