Is he playing mind games?

[CerseisSister]

Married 17 years, 3dc, sahm mostly. Had a works dinner last weekend with dh. A colleague of dh said she wanted to "apologise for what happened and dh said he'd told me, but she was very sorry". Stewed for a day, then asked dh (calmly!) why she would have said that. Dh ummed & aahed then stormed out, came back in a raging temper and said he'd rung her and she'd never said that and if I couldn't trust him then I should just p* off now. He said I was making it up and he was upset that I even suggested they were having an affair. He made me feel so guilty for doubting him that I thought I should be grovelling and making it up to him.
However ..... At the dinner there were lots of longing looks between them and he has been calling me by her name recently and in feb they had a 2 week work trip to US together and he's been v "tired" since then.
This is my first time on MN and I could do with help on this - should I be apologising for jumping to conclusions, or is he playing games? Thanksx

They all deny it.
And if they do admit to any of it they minimise. It was only a kiss.. OK it was a kiss and cuddle... OK we were imtimate but we haven't had sex... OK we did have sex but only once... and so it goes on.

Get finances sorted out.
Get legal advice and then kick his lying, cheating arse out of your house.
He has absolutely no respect for you.
And from your posts, he's a very unpleasant person anyway so you'll be better off without him.

The tears are not for the loss of your relationship. They are for being found out and not being able to do anything about it.

I completely understand you wanting to her it from his own mouth, but the thing is this ... given his previous lying, anything he tells you will only be a tiny fraction of what's actually happened, especially as he's cleared the email proof

What you therefore have to decide is if you can go on living with him, never knowing what he's up to and constantly on edge. I did this for far too long before finally seeing my way through, and believe me it can nearly destroy you

I've read so many affairs and OW stories on here. I'm not married not got kids BUT:-

the only way I'd ever CONSIDER staying with a cheating scumbag is if they came clean and told the truth and had therapy afterwards.

it's the lying I couldn't get past.

Although I suppose when they have the affair they lie. You're lucky I suppose OP that the kids are older. I'm not saying they won't be affected but at least they're not v young.

why do you need proof? Focus your energies on ensuring that your finances are safe, and making plans while your children finish their exams.

He is not even a good liar is he?

I understand you not acting until the DCs have finished their exams but at least that will be soon won't it?

In the meantime, get yourself down to the solicitors (many offer a free 30 min consultation) and find out your rights and where you stand. Keep your eye on any joint finances as he knows that you know and might start to prepare.

Wishing you strength.

His reaction since being found out tells you all you need to know OP, he definitely isn't committed to you.

Any man who is lusting after another woman right in front of your face is completely unworthy of a scrap of anything from you.

Thanks, yes his default setting seems to be lying at the moment, even about pointless things, like he can't tell the truth about anything at all. Kids doing A levels & gcses so trying to keep things calm and not muck up their future, but once that's over ...... It's like reasoning with a toddler "the important thing is to tell the truth" and he's crying and stamping his feet going "don't wanna". Just read the script, i thought the posts were about the Irish band!! Lol!! Yup he's there, guess I have a few more weeks of this before he says he needs 'space' and moves in with her and good riddance. Will see a solicitor ASAP and I have copied all the finances etc already. Thanks for the support, would have struggled the last few weeks without mumsnet. X

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for you, but you sound like you have toughened up and are getting things in place. I would start squirrelling some money away as he sounds like he could be a complete arse and def seek some legal advice. Good luck, you sound lovely BTW.

Please also consider an STI test.

You sound sorted and strong even though you are upset.

You deserved better.

At least you are not falling for it, many do for an easier life that really isn't 'easy'or a 'life'.
I have an x friend who just refuses to see the truth and would rather cut off her friends than the slimy git she is married too. So sad.

I don't know about a script. But caught with pants down and not even having been discreet enough that everyone (except you) up to the boss' wife knew what's been going on, his commitment to his private delusion rivals that of Bill 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman' Clinton. The OW must have been seriously pissed off with him to approach you the way she did - hence why he's desperately clinging on and denying everything. I don't think he has anyone or anywhere to go to.

Realise you don't want to disrupt your DCs but you must be able to cut the atmosphere in your house with a knife. Hope you're OK.

Haha yes I thought Bill Clinton too.
I think he's done this to me before and I just haven't realised, he said exactly the same things a few years ago when someone tried to tell me he was up to something (different ow) and I accepted his word, but now looking back I can see what a gullible idiot I've been. Fool me once and all that, and there's only so much anyone can put up with and now I feel angry more than upset.
BuzzardBird I'm sure your x friend will eventually see the truth too, it's taken me years and if dh hadn't been so arrogant taking me to that work party I'd still be none the wiser.

Puzzled you were right, it's destroying me trying to live like this, I'm so unhappy now and seem to have lost the anger and the will to do something about it all. Dh still seeing ow at work but don't know if there is anything still going on. Probably. Have phoned his bosses wife to see if she would tell me anything else but this time she said she didn't want to get involved, she told her dh & have just had a phone call from my dh SO angry about me ringing her and "aren't I over it yet". Worried about him being angry with me when he gets back and can't stop crying, can anybody offer any words of wisdom?

So sorry no one came back to you after your last post Cersel, just found your thread whilst looking for something else, how are you doing? Have you found your will and anger again? You really would be better off without this slimeball of a H.

Yes, I hope you are ok, CerseisSister.

I think perhaps you should get a sheet of paper, divided into two and write your thoughts about 'Staying with my husband' on one side and 'Leaving my husband' on the other.

It might help you to think through what you feel.

Whats happening?

Hang on to that anger and channel it into action that will secure the future for yourself and your children . Keep getting the finances sorted out and tell him nothing . I wouldn't bother with expecting any confessions as I think you know already what he has been up to . Basically he has been a lying , cheating scumbag who thought he could carry on getting away with having sex when and where he fancied it whilst little wifey sorted out his children and domestic life .

Stay calm , stay focused on your future without this piece of scum . Do what needs doing for now and don't feel obliged to talk to him about anything that he says has / hasn't happened . He will only deny, turn it back on you or become verbally unpleasant so concentrate on making your life pleasant for yourself . Arrange a day out with friends , have your hair done .. anything to remind yourself that he is damn lucky to have had you for this long . Then get busy getting rid of him and protecting yourself and your children . He's a prize louse. You can do so much better.

This man is a total turd! Focus on your own horizon and ignore the 'weather' he brings to you. Go through due process and in the long run, by taking control and getting yourself free of this faithless piece of shit, you will look and feel like the better person while he on the other hand will always be known among his friends and work colleagues as a cheater and a lying scumbag. Keep strong. You are entitled to a bit of a wobble now and again, it's normal.