Why is it that as soon as you say something back to a bitchy person then YOU are the bad guy?

[MrsJaffaCakes]

This has happened to me a couple of times in the past and has just happened again, and I find it infuriating!

I am friends with a group of mums from my DCs school. One in particular I have spent a lot of time with as our DDs are best friends. Said 'friend' considers herself very attractive and likes attention, and basically has insinuated loads of times that I am ugly. I think she's kind of set things up so that she is the gorgeous, good looking one and I'm her ugly sidekick.

She has made many barbed comments over the past few years. Sometimes little snippy remarks and at other times little digs that are veiled as a compliment.

I have got fed up with these comments but it all came to a head at the weekend when a group of us were out in a restaurant. Another friend said to me that she always thinks that I look like a certain tv personality. Nasty friend then piped up very sarcastically "Well I bet that that celebrity would be really flattered", and pulled a face. I said to her that what she had just said was hurtful and rude, and that I had had enough of her nasty little comments. Cue her bursting into tears and saying that she doesn't mean any harm and that she just "says things how they are".

All of our mutual friends were then fussing around her, and I ended up getting the cold shoulder a little for the rest of the evening. Two friends have contacted me since the incident and told me about how upset she is, and how she didn't mean any harm. Basically defending her and thinking that I am in the wrong.

I feel like ditching the whole lot of them!

Sunny well the bullying eventually hit a high when I complained and got a bit pearshaped but at least she knows she does it, that I complained and if it happens again and I leave etc then I'll sue them... and they know I will.

also she got moved upstairs to another office. and I just have limited contact with her. there's another external bully (temp, friend of bully and boss) but rarely see her now so she's out of the equation as it were.

I had a friend like this and ditched her, I was always walking on eggshells, always being insulted somehow, always in the wrong.

So when I encountered another one I decided I wouldn't let her do that too me.

In front of a whole group of our friends she started going on about how she knew I envied her, her slim figure and it wasn't easy being ,like her - people think she has no problems but she does hair flick big sigh , so I wasn't to feel jealous.

She is an 8 I would say, I'm an 18 - we are both about 5ft9.

I laughed and told her I wasn't jealous - why would I be? If I wanted to be thin I would eat less. And thinner doesn't mean better. And then took a big mouthful of cake.

It's true people can only make you feel inferior if you let them. Just focus on what a wonderful brilliant person you are

I also think the queen bees sense quite quickly when it won't wash with you and leave you alone. I really don't care anymore about anyone I don't genuinely like - this helps a huge amount.

sunshine As far as I know this woman has always got away with it and surrounded herself with admirers even another person who bullied another colleague in the office! If she's ever called out on her behaviour she's outraged and sees she is merely right.

it's funny - I was told of a previous colleague of hers (they shared an office same position to 2 bosses) - this person (lets called her Tara) obviously had her life mapped out for her and controlled by the bitch. when Tara decided she wasn't happy playing to their tune they got nasty. but she obviously decided to just cut herself off and not stay in contact. AFAIK she moved back Ireland where she was from and kept a v low profile.

when I mentioned her name (Tara) as I'd been told about her they were all "oh I wonder why she won't be in touch etc, what's happened, is she still in touch with X etc?" I thought well if you treated her the way you treated me then no wonder she's not bothering to get back in touch!

My neighbour is like this. She's a manipulative cunt! It should be legal to punch these people.

sunshine - I think at long last I am learning to recognise the type of this kind of person - tends to be women.

the only trouble is now, avoiding them and also recognising them. I've been told I've been "defensive" by a woman I worked with in the past (to do with being friends etc) and it's no wonder.

I think the more you surrounds yourself with positive people and especially women and are supportive in your own way and allow yourself to be supported in turn then strangely it gives you an inner strength against this sort of woman. You can literally do the water off a duck's back move.

It's so satisfying now, that this woman, I work with, she may say some stupid stuff behind my back, hurtful stuff etc but I'm still standing and for this moment I'm in her face! Until I leave…!

Sorry this happened to you, OP.

Everyone telling the OP to just ditch these friends, well, it might not be that easy.

I've never been able to ditch friends who've treated me badly, or I'd live a very isolated life, I'm rubbish at making new friends.

I had a friend who left me out of her birthday celebrations, when I confronted her on Facebook, her workmates came to her aid and started having a go at me, without knowing the full story. Made me look like the bad one.

Just wanted to add something upbeat: last night I went to a social event, with a group of normal, friendly women. The pleasantness and positive-ness (is that a word?) warmed my soul and I'm feeling good about the world this morning.

Sugar - that's appalling - that your friend's workmates have a go at you!

for me - I was lucky - I finally ended a toxic friendship about 3 years ago (had known her since teens but we really had nothing more in common and she was a major drama queen, not a bitch though!) and the other friends - stuff happened so I let them slide.

But I do have a core friendship group of about 4-5 close friends - they're not best friends, but we meet up a lot, go away together and are in similar situations. we've known each other about 5-6 years now and we confide in a LOT of situations with each other, from one's studying/visa problems to another's fibroid removal etc.... my bullying at work. we are a core group but we also have a laugh!

any new friends I make is a bonus,.

It's really good to hear people's experiences and to find out that we are not alone in experiencing bad treatment from people who seem to enjoy the control they have on others.

AndTheBandPlayedOn: cheers for your comment. It took me years to be able to articulate what was going on with me and groups. Being a nice, genuine person is not always the main thing when it comes to the group mentality. I came to the conclusion that you can be a perfectly decent person and yet a group can dump you or make you feel you're the worst.