Advice needed not sure whether this in right section....

[FeelingLostJess]

Firstly thank you to everybody who replied on my recent thread about my break-up. I've moved out, and am living with a friend for now.

Ex DP got the better 'end of the deal' with our split, as in he still has his house and is still in the same location. This does bother me somewhat,I won't pretend it doesn't,my life has taken an upheaval, and he's the one who did most wrong :(

I sold my house to move in with him, so now I don't own any property.

I left town and live somewhere I'm unfamiliar with.On the plus side I'm slightly closer to family(about an hour's drive).

I had my business, plus a part time job in an office when we met, and I gave up working in an office so that I had more time for the project of doing up his house.

I still make enough money, and generally preferred not having the office job because my other work's now more lucrative.

The doing up of his place never happened (long story, if you haven't read my original thread but pretty irrelevant to the point of this thread).

What it is is, basically I'm now in a strange town, with a lot of time on my hands! I work about 23 hours per week and I am doing a college course (it ends in June, though).

And I have generally been sort of okay,most days..But sometimes,like this past weekend-I have been so , so upset that I couldn't cope... Just cried for about 6 hours feeling like my life's over-what have I done, I've nothing left!I know that's pathetic. I'm just heartbroken. I don't know why-I know it was the right thing to do.

I was so sad and weirded out by the whole situation as in , a few years ago I felt I had a bright future and prospects and a great relationship and now I'm in lodgings with no focus and no idea where I go from here. My head's spinning with ideas sometimes, and in self-pity the next!

I have a friend who lives abroad and I'm contemplating just sacking things off for a bit and going to stay with her.But would that do me any good, even? I don't want to depress her and I may be just as lost and upset, but in the sun..?

I have seen a counsellor and she asked me about things I enjoyed doing as a child.I mentioned my horse and she suggested I take some lessons and think about getting another one....

I've thought about getting employment again to supplement my income.I suppose I could do, but what?I am post grad educated but I feel like doing anything related to that is beyond me at the moment-some days I don't feel like getting out of bed is in my capabilities.

I feel like I should use this opportunity of singledom to use my time wisely whilst I'm still relatively young...But it could be that I had so much time used up by his issues, and so much focus of it on doing up the house that now I am just desperate for something to do with myself.

And also I'm still heartbroken over our split. I've had to see him to sort varying things out and I'm not over him at all.I'm not sure I still love him though,a lot of it turned into pity at the end.

Any advice appreciated,I feel as if I'm going a bit mad to be honest.My emotions are all over the place.

Thank you xx

bump

I don't know how long ago the split was but it's obviously been very upsetting. 'A bit mad' is par for the course and emotionally, I think you have to do whatever it takes to get through each day. If you think you may be depressed, it may help to talk to your GP.

Your counsellor's suggestion of a horse is a good one. Not the animal specifically but the idea of giving you a new routine, something to think about, care for and look forward to. Being occupied and absorbed in something constructive is a very good way to reduce the time you spend wallowing in negative thoughts and feeling lonely. You will feel better a month, two months and nine months from now so it's a question of filling the time in between.

It may have been suggested already but one thing you can try is to keep a Mood Diary. If you record each day how you're feeling you can get a sense of things improving by looking back occasionally.

I note you said you sold your property to move in with him. Are you getting that money back or is that a casualty of the relationship?

Thanks for the bump Minime85 and the reply cogito .

You're right.

I've spoken to a couple of close friends, one has said to just go on a dating site and get a date with a guy every night of the week-I don't feel I'm up to doing that.

I feel like this whole thing is defining me, like there's nothing else to me, at the moment!Apart from my work, which doesn't take up a lot of time at all, I had dedicated all my time to sorting out his MH issues, and to doing up his house.. I've never had this much time on my hands before-my Mother says It's a good thing and I should be so happy and excited because a lot of people would love to be in my position of freedom..I get her point so I feel ungrateful when I don't know what to do with it!

A mood diary is a good idea.

I have some money from the sale of the property but it didn't make a lot. It was losing value rapidly, the area it was in had gone downhill in the past decade.

I will find somewhere to get some riding lessons as It's been a while, and then maybe think about getting a horse again as I do miss having one...I think I had grown one-sided throughout our relationship, it was really all about him and his issues and his work and what was going on with him and now I don't know what person I am , anymore!

I wonder if I should see the GP about depression.. I don't want to sound blase about something that's a real illness, if I'm not depressed but just understandably sad over something bad that's happened...

I think I suggested on your last thread that you were a victim of emotional abuse and that the MH issues were clouding the issue and being used an excuse to mistreat you. Looking at your subsequent response to the end of the relationship I would absolutely stand by that suggestion. When someone has so completely taken over your life and monopolised your time, efforts, emotions etc then you can very easily disappear as a person. Almost like you've been hollowed out like a Lindt chocolate bunny and re-filled with their crap ... you may look the same and cast the same shadow but, on the inside, there's nothing of yourself there any more. It's crippling.

It's only been a month (if I read it right) since you left and getting away from a leech like that will take time. Dating probably isn't going to help, you're right. Reconnecting with who you used to be is. (Yet another reason I think your counsellor was right to suggest things from your childhood) Ask friends and family who knew you beforehand if you want more ideas.

I think I might misunderstand emotional abuse? I thought it encompassed things like being nasty in an argument then saying sorry, threatening to harm yourself if your partner says they're leaving, telling somebody subliminally or otherwise, ,that they aren't good/pretty/smart enough and/or that nobody else will ever understand them, and things like that?

Does what he did ( I really don't think it was intentional) count as emotional abuse, too?

I like the Lindt bunny anaology!

Well I guess this should maybe be in the mental health section.

How do I get myself back...I'll start by going back to my horsey habits...Maybe I should learn some mindfulness techniques?I still exercise/keep fit even though It's so hard to get motivated at the moment.I just feel like crawling under the duvet and hiding from the world.

All of the things you mention are emotional abuse but not exclusively. Manipulation often doesn't look like abuse but it is extremely damaging psychologically because none of us like to think we can be duped. He didn't reveal his MH issues at the start which means there was a certain amount of deception already. You were persuaded to give up your home on the back of more lies about him renovating his. He strung you along with false promises for three whole years and you felt obliged to cope with his illnesses and make allowances. He didn't have to threaten to harm himself if you left, but that's rather what you assumed. From your other thread.... " I'm making his illness worse now by making him feel shit all the time." As you're a decent human being, that would have been a big deterrent to you leaving.

The clincher for me is your subsequent reaction. A bad break-up is pretty nasty at the best of times but, if you speak to anyone who has survived emotional abuse, they'll recognise that 'nothing left' feeling and that lingering sense of responsibility (you called it pity) for the person who they have finally got away from.

You mentioned going to visit a friend abroad.

How about a horse-riding holiday? There, s a place near Essaouira in Morocco. Rides on the beach etc.

Maybe just what you need to get out of the fog and come back with a renewed zest for life.

CognitoErgo please don't think that by asking you to explain, I am saying you're wrong!

I just wanted to understand it better-sorry if I'm asking silly questions.

In a kind of self-preservation way I really want you to be right, as at the moment if it wasn't emotional abuse I don't feel I am justified in behaving as I am and feeling like I am-I'm not a teenager and I feel I should just be able to let it go and get on with my life, and I can't seem to :(

And I definitely have a lingering sense of responsibility toward him, I'd hate for him to go further downhill I still care.

Amanda that's what I want, to get a lust for life back! I have had it before, I know I have digs deep into brain lol. I wonder now if I was already emotionally unhealthy, for pinning all happiness on this relationship. I don't think I was. I was very careful and wasn't needy for a relationship, at the time.

Thank you for all replies, I don't know what I'd do without MN at the moment.

Feelinglostjess, I remember your last thread.

I really felt for you. You are obviously a very clever, capable, go-getting woman: but you were working yourself to a shred on this man. I felt he'd pulled a con trick on you, and was draining the life out of you.

I would describe your former relationship as exploitative, which is another word for abusive. Exploitative relationships are harder to pin down than the classic 'angry and controlling' abusive relationship. Sometimes there is no apparent aggression at all, except perhaps in the person being exploited (unsurprisingly).

What seems to mark them out is passivity - a total willingness for one partner to let the other do ALL the work, and often to pay for everything too.

So I'm not surprised you feel so miserable. Because of his actions - or rather inaction - you have been left exhausted, worse off than before, and with the end of a relationship to deal with too. ( I'm not sure why your DM would expect you to feel happy and excited at this point.)

I'd suggest being kind to yourself for the moment. By all means try some mindfulness, and some gentle exercise. Keep the mindfulness very simple, eg a breathing technique, or just focusing on the present moment. When you feel like this it's similar to having flu, so you need to make things simple and achievable until you feel better.

Look into horse riding. Think about a low powered 'for now' job, or even voluntary work, but not until you feel better. A horse riding holiday, or any holiday, is a great idea.

If you don't feel better with some gentleness and self help, do consider seeing the GP.

Lust for life will come when you've recovered your wellbeing (and you will!)

It does feel as if I've been conned , definitely!Although I reallydo not believe that he meant to do it.

He says he didn't realise who I was, didn't think any of it was possible and just went along with it telling me what I wanted to hear at the beginning, and also that he has a weird concept of time and didn't realise I wanted to do it all so quickly.

Maybe he has a point here , I do get stuck into things quickly if they're something I want, but I did make it clear what I thought was good, ad we agreed everything together, there was no 'pushiness' on my part, it isn't like me to rush into relationships-he made it clear back to me that he felt the same and was all happy about it.

I'm very laid back aside from this though. I think some changes should have taken place at least, not next to nothing and all the changes being engineered by me!

Thank you for making so much sense, wyrdyBird, everything you've said is really fitting.And makes me feel not so bad at how ill I feel (and it is ill,I really do feel horrible)!

Feeling 'sad and weirded out' as you said earlier or conned means you've been manipulated. Telling someone what they want to hear is an admission of manipulation. So, incidentally, is turning their own techniques back on their victim. He expressed a keenness for you to move in, but later accuses you of rushing him into a relationship. It's almost 'gaslighting' if you're familiar with that term.... creating emotional confusion & stress by trying to convince you that things didn't happen the way you remember.

And of course you don't want to think that he meant to do it. Not such a sweet, man with so many personal problems to overcome and such a convincing sob story BTW he won't go further downhill for long. His sort usually find someone else capable and caring to latch onto and the same techniques will be rolled out again.

He says he didn't realise timescales I wanted to work on, but I don't really think I can believe that because the moment we began seeing one another I told him I wanted to move to another county, and he said he'd come with me, and believe me I asked him so many times was he sure, about that-I don't like pushing people into things, I feel strongly about that.

One other thing that sticks in my mind, that upset me and may or may not be relevant is, he told me his counsellor had told him that it was a big step to be moving in with somebody and buying property together and he should be reconsidering it. We'd been together two and a bit years at this point and had (as I thought and he claimed to think) had commited to a long-term relationship). I am skeptical about whether she actually said this, now. But then I guess she could have done, a counsellor will have their client's best interests at heart.

Gaslighting is a new term to me , I read about it very recently but yes it does sound close to home, now I recall some of the arguments we've had.

Thank you for the reply.

wyrdy my Mother says I am young and free and the 'world is my lobster' as she says! My Mother is a very shrewd businesswoman, which I admire her for but she has little there in the way of emotion.
(Unfortunately I didn't take after her in that respect, or I am guessing this thread wouldn't be here, now)..

PS I am definitely going to book a holiday for myself after my college course finishes... That gives me something to focus on and look forward to.
Thanks again everyone xxx

"I am skeptical about whether she actually said this, now. "

I would maintain the scepticism. By his own admission he told you what you wanted to hear which makes him deceitful. It would be consistent with a deceitful person to claim that it's not him getting cold feet but that he's only obeying orders from his counsellor. BTW a counsellor will rarely if ever 'tell' a client what to do. They are more likely to ask questions that encourage the client to think for themselves and reach their own conclusions. 'How do you feel about buying a property with FeelingLostJess?' for example.

He kind of made out that everyone tells people what they want to hear, in the first stages of a relationship of any sort..

Which I guess I've heard plenty of examples of before...But it isn't something I would do...

And yes about the counsellor

The daft thing on my part is, I should have realised that..(that they let their client lead).

He said he had mentioned my wanting to buy half his house to her and she'd said are you sure, that's a big step,make sure you know what you're doing etc etc.. -this was also a long time after hed' said he'd do it and hadn't.

I point a lot of people towards this article which outlines some of the more common early traits that can develop into a bad or abusive relationship. Here's what it says about deceit.

Unintentional deceit happens all the time in dating, due to what I call the "dating self."

We all try to put on the best face possible in dating. Most of us will exaggerate our good qualities at least a little, if we think the other person will like us more if we were just a bit more like that. "Oh, you're religious? Well I've been feeling a bit more spiritual lately, so I'm going right home and read the Bible, or at least watch the movie version."

This kind of unintentional exaggeration is meant less to deceive than to motivate the self. The exaggerator really wants to develop qualities you like; he's just not quite there, yet.

Of course, the dating self often includes blatant deception, as in, "Oh, did I tell you that I went to Harvard?" or, "Yes, I know some rich and famous people." Deceit shows a low level of self-respect and respect for you that can only bode ill in a relationship.

You might even recognise some of the other points.

That is a brilliant article. I definitely, definitely recognise the blamer, so apt-and to an extent, the resentment-as well as the deceipt.

I'm now wondering about myself though-I'm a very sarcastic person (when I'm happy, anyway )!
I guess it doesn't mean all people who use sarcasm are abusers.

Thank you for posting that :)

D'you know what OP? Besides all the great suggestions you've already had, get yourself down to the local riding stables, book some lessons - but also ask if you can help.
You might not 'get this' so sorry if it sounds weird (but it sounds like you will).... Where I used to live, I worked part time and was able to spend one day a week helping a friend out with his horses. I got lots of horsey cuddles, a fair bit of exercise and lots of fresh air. It did me the world of good! Try it.

Hi mineof, you're absolutely right-and I have actually thought of it myself and if you say it did you the world of good then I'm more up for it now :)

I definitely get it! :)
Although I feel like I may have forgotten how to do it lol

I just need to make that phone call. And I will. Tomorrow preferably. I just keep telling myself 'This shall pass!' but I feel so sad and empty...And not having much to do doesn't help. Then again, I guess if I had loads to do it might not be much good at that, either!

:) thanks for the suggestion.

"I guess it doesn't mean all people who use sarcasm are abusers"

That's the point of the article. Anyone can display any of the behaviours mentioned from time to time and it doesn't make them abusive. But when those behaviours are multiple, more frequent and more extreme the person is sliding along the scale from 'normal' to 'unpleasant' to 'abusive'.

So when someone (rather like you) says 'how didn't I see that?' or wonders how things got so bad or can't believe it was deliberate, that's the answer. These people always seem relatively normal to begin with, maybe a few minor hang-ups that get easily overlooked, but the behaviour ramps up gradually over time.

If I can help you understand how they operate it may get you past 'sad and empty' a little quicker. Enjoy the horses.

Thank you, cognito. I get it now. I hope I don't turn into one of those people that ends up being abusive because of what I've been through!

The number for the riding school nearest me has been engaged when I've tried. I need to nip to the shops anyway so I'm wondering if I should just call in-It's not far...I think I will do....It'll give me something to get dressed and out of the house for, anyway!

I know that 'lost' feeling all too well, I've recently been broken up with and I'm finding it a real struggle this time. Normally I bounce back and end up becoming the best version of myself that I know but at the moment I cry every day and can't seem to shake the feeling of loneliness and sadness. It's hard isn't it, its like you want to get better and be that happy, fulfilled person you were before but getting there unfortunately isn't going to happen overnight. That's what I'm facing up to right now.

Things will get better x

:) I think another key is loving yourself enough to not be lonely and sad at being alone. I did before! Why I cannot do it now is beyond me!

Feel free to use this thread as your own if you want to.

The last time I went through a breakup I was about twenty and I just went out every night and got drunk and partied-I'm not really thinking that is a suitable solution now as an fully fledged adult lol. Plus, I was in a town surrounded by close friends so tried to be in company all the time until I felt better. That helped. I guess I could do with making that situation again.

Yeah, that's a coping mechanism I learned last time this happened, I now watch films and read books and go for walks and do daft stuff like painting my nails a different cheerful colour every day to make my alone time feel less like alone time and more like 'me' time.

Its what I'm doing now but it does feel a bit futile to be honest...which annoys me so much! Before I met this guy I remember saying to a friend that I was really happy being single, where on earth did that person go?

I know what you mean about going out and getting smashed, I'm in my late twenties now and so I can't and don't really want to be doing it to be honest! By no means do I want to hijack your thread btw, I just want to offer the support of someone who feels pretty much exactly the same

I watched a film this week. I've never been much into films, I've always felt I like to 'do' instead of 'consume' but I'm willing to change that if anything is worth watching and will help me through this. ..Walking is a good one...I run but I've yet to find a runing route around here that I'm happy with.

I don't have many books now-I am going to go and look at the recommended books thread though. I used to read a lot and loved bookshops. There was no room at his place to keep books and I got rid of a lot of my own stuff.

Yes I don't want to go out and get drunk nowadays. I like a drink but It's more something that's fun to do, and every now and again-doing it because I'm sad and upset seems a totallly different activity altogether!Plus It's expensive and I hate hangovers.

Having said all that, if I can find any of my friends to meet up with for some wine I think I will do this week-and tell them that I am banned from whinging about himself all night!

Another idea - stolen from the Tack room here, is volunteering with Riding for the Disabled - lots of nice horseyness and you'll meet new people and get out.

I would always recommend visiting a place before starting riding lessons, and just dropping in to see is a good way to do that.