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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Upset. Am I being too needy?

45 replies

Pastells · 12/05/2014 20:01

Have NC for this.
My BF went away last week with a friend for a golfing holiday. Called me every day he was gone, just a 5 min quick chat each evening.
He got back last night, called me on his way home from airport just before 8.30pm.

I knew I wouldn't be seeing him today because he's away again on a golf day which will turn into a pissup this evening. He's working tomorrow day and I'm working tomorrow evening. So I won't see him till Wednesday night, a week after I last saw him.
When he called me last night on the drive back from the airport, I expected him to come round to see me then, just for a quick coffee or something, knowing we wouldn't see each other till Wednesday night.
He only lives 5 mins away from me but he didn't suggest it.

I've missed him quite a lot, and now I'm feeling really upset, very low on his list of priorities, and irrelevant.
Perspective please? Or would you also be upset?

OP posts:

StandsOnGoldenSands · 12/05/2014 20:03

Background needed I'm afraid. How long have you beentogether, how often do you usually see each other, how is the relationship in general?

WipsGlitter · 12/05/2014 20:05

He was probably wrecked and just wanted to get home and organised for today.

ClashCityRocker · 12/05/2014 20:05

Hmm, if I'd been away on holiday, all I'd want to do is get home, unpack and put my feet up...

How often do you normally see each other?

TheHouseatWhoCorner · 12/05/2014 20:05

Couldn't you have suggested it to him?

LineRunner · 12/05/2014 20:08

I think a quick coffee never really happens so he probably just wanted to get home and get sorted.

You could have asked, though.

teaandthorazine · 12/05/2014 20:10

Background needed I'm afraid. How long have you beentogether, how often do you usually see each other, how is the relationship in general?

This.

But my first reaction is to think, overreaction. It's only a week.

Original poster

Pastells · 12/05/2014 20:11

To answer about the background. Serious long term relationship. Been together nearly 10 years. We don't live together because it's not what either of us want.
We see each other approx 5 times a week, depending on work commitments.
He's usually thoughtful and the relationship is good.
Don't know why I'm so upset about this.

OP posts:

StandsOnGoldenSands · 12/05/2014 20:12

Hmm, sounds as though you've been together for long enough to tell him how you feel or ask him outright to come over.
Is there a reason you didn't do this?

LineRunner · 12/05/2014 20:19

Gosh yes, why didn't you suggest it?

Original poster

Pastells · 12/05/2014 20:20

When he rang, I assumed that's what he was ringing for, ie to let me know he'd left the airport and was going to call round for a while. It was only 8.30, not like it was late. The call was that quick that I didnt' get chance to suggest he come round. But the thing is I thought he'd want to see me without me having to ask.
I've missed him and I suppose I'm upset because he hasn't missed me. Probably because I'm the one who's been stuck at home while he's been away.

OP posts:

Beastofburden · 12/05/2014 20:23

I think you should take a step back. You can't judge a relationship on one episode. If he is normally good, then this is trivial.

As you say, it's probably as you were bored at home while he was having fun. It's not rational. Be kind to yourself, yes, you are BU, but sometimes we just do that. Give yourself a little treat and look forward to a nice time when you do see him.

CoffeeTea103 · 12/05/2014 20:27

You've been together 10 years and you can't be comfortable enough to say what's on your mind?

Original poster

Pastells · 12/05/2014 20:30

I didn't get the chance to ask him. The call was very brief.

It's funny how my question about me being needy has turned into most posters having a go at me for not asking him to come round. Which would have been needy in itself.
He's the one who's been away, I shouldn't have to beg him to come to see me for half an hour. He should have wanted to see me. But he didn't.

OP posts:

LineRunner · 12/05/2014 20:32

Who said anything about having to beg? You do sound a bit in the doldrums. Is everything else ok?

holdyourown · 12/05/2014 20:33

has he been away on trips like this before and if so did he come round on the way back from the airport? I wonder if anything in your relationship has changed recently to make you question it/make you feel less important to him somehow (other than this one incident) as if you've lived apart for 10 years you're hardly likely to be too clingy!

How do you feel about his golf addiction hobby - is it a recent thing?

Beastofburden · 12/05/2014 20:35

Maybe that's true. Maybe it's not. He may have got the squits, or a headache. Or, more likely, he's just in that readjusting stage where you settle back into normal life, and you are knackered from the journey.

I know how these little things can niggle. But unless you are worried for some other reason, I think you may be reading too much into it. He does want to see you, just not immediately he has got back. He wants to get home, unpack, wash, whatever.

I know that means a gap till Wednesday. Not very well organised of him. But I wouldn't personally be upset, it's not my style. I'd be upset if he neglected me more generally, mind. But I wouldn't go looking for meaning here.

Hope you have a lovely evening on Wednesday when you do see him, and it's all fine again.

ClashCityRocker · 12/05/2014 20:35

If you're happy with everything else in your relationship, then yes, your maybe being a bit needy (and let's face it I'm sure most of us are at sometime!).

Tbf, I'd probably be the same.

ExitPursuedByABear · 12/05/2014 20:38

Sounds like a lot of golf.

Tinks42 · 12/05/2014 20:54

Sounds like he's become a bit too complacent here. Can't you go out with the girls etc. leave him to stew a bit?

EverythingCounts · 12/05/2014 20:59

The thing standing out for me here is that on the day after he gets back from a golfing holiday, he has a golf day? Bloody hell. It's the golf that's the problem not the precise length of time spent away from each other.

In an average month, how much free time would you say he spends playing golf and how much time seeing you? Do you play yourself or go along ever?

SolidGoldBrass · 12/05/2014 21:04

Golf is, I believe, one of those hobbies that people get very passionate about. Has he always liked golf, OP? Or is it a recent thing?

Mind you, what about your hobbies and interests? It sounds like what you need is some sort of leisure occupation for yourself so you're not forever sitting at home wringing your hands waiting for him to call you.

magpieredhead · 12/05/2014 21:32

Well, we're all different but in a similar situation I wouldn't have expected my DP to come over after driving home from the airport. As others have said, most people just want to get home and unpack. And it sounds like a week apart feels like a long time for you, whereas I'm quite happy not to have contact for two weeks or more with my DP.

I usually have lots of friends/hobbies I want to catch up with so I don't exactly pine for him when he's away. And my hobbies are things I often get absorbed in and end up putting my relationship on the back burner for a bit. It doesn't mean the relationship isn't serious to me, but I'm not going to give up on my passions to sit around for any man.

I do wonder if you're questioning his commitment generally though. Being together for 10 years, living close to each other yet not at the stage of living together is unusual. Is that something you're happy with and made a mutual decision about?

Botanicbaby · 12/05/2014 21:54

I don't think you are low on his list of priorities or irrelevant to him at all OP. He phoned you regularly whilst away and he contacted you on his way back. 8.30 might not seem late but a quick coffee turns into a lot longer, he was probably knackered from travelling/wanted a shower and some time to himself (esp as he'd been stuck with mate for a week as it is).
I bet he's really looking forward to some quality time with you on Weds!

I've been in similar position to you, similar relationship set up and whilst I might feel a tad miffed he didn't rush over to see me on the drive back from the airport, my DP would have been more practical about it thinking that as we were due to see each other soon anyway and he'd have probably wanted to get back and get sorted for the golf thing today then work next day.

I don't know your DP obviously but I think its okay if you're generally happy with the relationship/each other.

Botanicbaby · 12/05/2014 22:00

"I do wonder if you're questioning his commitment generally though. Being together for 10 years, living close to each other yet not at the stage of living together is unusual. Is that something you're happy with and made a mutual decision about?"

I think there's a lot of people who don't necessarily see living together as the 'next stage' of a relationship. Obviously there are a lot who DO see it as that though. You can be just as committed, in love and on the same path together than if you share living space/bills and so on.

It's just not as conventional (yet). I find that most couples with their own places tend to spend equal amounts of time at each other's. It can work really well though obviously not if one or other partner is hankering after a different arrangement.

AlbertsJoy · 12/05/2014 23:33

Think I would have felt a bit miffed too. Hope he's bought you a nice present from wherever he went.

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