Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How do I cope with seeing her every day??

40 replies

armybrat75 · 12/05/2014 16:33

I found out a few months ago that my husband was having an affair with a woman who was a very close friend. My husband and I have been through all the shouting and screaming, had a lot of Relate counselling and are gradually trying to move forward with our relationship.
My problem is that the other woman lives locally, our kids go to the same school and we have mutual friends. It is impossible to get away from her and I am struggling to cope. I see her almost every day on the school run and I cry every time.
Realistically, this is how it is always going to be unless one of us moves (unlikely). Today's encounter out me in such a bad mood resulting in a row with my 6 year old who is now having a major meltdown in her bedroom. Really can't let this effect my kids like this.
Has anyone got any advice on how to deal with it? I feel like I take a step back in my 'recovery' every time I see her.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 12/05/2014 16:38

How awful, you have a constant reminder then.

I'm afraid when you decided to forgive and stay with him you also signed up for the humiliation of having to see her.

Only time will make it better, a lot of time and avoiding as much as possible.

deste · 12/05/2014 16:46

Every time you see her, remind yourself that he chose to stay with you.

FreeSpirit89 · 12/05/2014 17:09

I'm sorry your going throw this, it should be her feeling humiliated not you. Keep your head held high :) x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/05/2014 17:12

I'm with Jan45.... this is unfortunately the deal when you go the forgiveness route. There will be constant reminders of what he did for a long time into the future, even if it's not her in person. What I would say, however, is that all the time you're focusing your anger on her or taking it out on your children, you're probably letting your husband off the hook. Suggest you are not through the shouting and screaming yet and he's got considerably more work to do.

Jan45 · 12/05/2014 17:20

Oh lucky OP, he chose her - what a prize!

QuintessentiallyQS · 12/05/2014 17:24

Everytime you see her, remind yourself that your husband is putting you through this. Remind yourself that he knew this would be your life, and he went through with it. Remind yourself that he put his dick before the welfare of his wife and happyness of his children.

But you know this, and this is why you cant move on. I bet you feel a right tit for not having kicked him out.
Otherwise you would have been able to hold your head up high.

Simplesusan · 12/05/2014 17:28

Can you get your dh to do more so that you are less likely to see her, for example picking the children up from school?

Have you explained to your dh how upsetting this is to you?

I also think that you are still hurting over his affair and not quite yet ready to move on and he has to understand this.

TitusFlavius · 12/05/2014 17:29

I'm sorry you've been through this, OP. If it's only been a few months, then no wonder you are still raw. It will take a while.

In the meantime, I'd try and make sure that the one who has to cope with your distress is the one who caused it: your husband, not your kid. Every time you have an episode like this, tell him how it made you feel. He caused this shit, and it's up to him to deal with the fallout, in this case your continued distress. How he manages that will be quite a window onto what your future relationship will be like.

LEMmingaround · 12/05/2014 17:38

Have you confronted her? I assume you have confronted your DH and made agreement to try and mend your marriage. Have you told him about how you are feeling seeing this woman?

If it were me, i'd be torn between wanting to move away and thinking why the fuck should i? And realistically it wouldn't be fair to take your DD out of school because of what happened.

it must be really difficult.

To be fair, unless she is an utter cunt, she is probably mortified and upset every time she sees you. She was the OW and he chose his family. I know that is besides the point really. If it were me, i'd want to have it out with her. actually i'd like to slap her but that isn't helpful

TitusFlavius · 12/05/2014 18:35

LEMmingaround - I was in OP's position, once, and think it is odd to forgive the husband (who has made promises to the OP) but blame the other woman (who hadn't). I think too often the shitbag men who cheat get away with this too much, as we focus our distress and anger on the OW.

dollius · 12/05/2014 19:43

Who gives a toss who the DH chose to be with?

What is he doing about the fallout?

Does he do the school run? Has he arranged for someone else to do it?

What has he actually done to repair the damage that HE has done to his marriage?

mammadiggingdeep · 12/05/2014 19:50

Agree with dollius...in as much as this isn't actually your problem alone op. your husband should be gutted that you have to face the ow every day.

LEMmingaround · 12/05/2014 20:09

Titus - i am not suggesting that the OP forgives her husband, she has already done that and they are trying to make their relationship work - i would have been all for raking him across the coals. They have had the screaming and the shouting etc and I would hope that the DH is mortified and horrified that wht he has, and is still (via this woman) putting his wife through. I just thought that maybe confronting the other woman might give the OP some sort of closure so that continuing to see her isn't so paintful.

I don't think that the DH should be doing the school run or finding someone else to do it - I love picking up my DD from school, why should the OP miss out on that?

Both the DH and the OW are to blame here, i presume she knew he was married?

FoolishFay · 12/05/2014 20:41

I went through exactly this; it was excruciating. The only consolation, and it sounds lame, is that time really takes the edge of it. I didn't keep it a secret and she is now reaping the rewards. Feel free to pm me if it might help.

dolicapax · 12/05/2014 20:49

Army first of all, you can and should hold your head up high, as you have nothing to be ashamed off. The OW on the other hand must be feeling pretty ashamed right now.

It is ok to choose to stay in your marriage despite what some people may post about that. It's your choice, and if it is something both you and your DH want there is every chance it will work out. Only you can know the dynamic between the two of you, so you are the best judge of that.

On the basis you have to see her every day, my policy would be to act how you would to any other school mum you recognise but aren't actually friends with. Do not avoid her, do not alter anything about your routine with reference to her. She is nothing to you, so don't waste the head space on her. If you have to pass her in the car park, smile and say hello, like you would to a stranger but don't otherwise engage. You'll gain nothing other than inner turmoil by blanking her, or trying to say something smart. Basically just disarm the situation.

That's just my advice, it's something that has always worked for me when dealing with difficult people. Others may have different advice which might work better for you.

Don't forget to hold your head up ! I do understand, my DH did it to me too. You'll come through this.

FantasticButtocks · 12/05/2014 21:05

I'm afraid when you decided to forgive and stay with him you also signed up for the humiliation of having to see her.

I'm with Jan45.... this is unfortunately the deal when you go the forgiveness route.

^
I disagree with this. Even if you had not forgiven him and had ended your marriage etc, presumably your dcs would still go to the same school and OW would still be there too, so you would still have this same problem. This situation is not your fault, and is not because you stayed with your H.

You say OW was a very close friend. So, has she apologised or said anything to you? Have you had a conversation, you and OW?

She is probably shitting herself every time she encounters you, OP, after all it is she who is so very much in the wrong here (along with your H, of course). Perhaps you need a private word with her (nowhere near school playground or DCs obviously) so you can tell her exactly what you think of her, and what she who you thought was a friend, has done to you, your marriage and your family.

Let her be the one who is most uncomfortable.

FoolishFay · 13/05/2014 00:21

She is nothing to you, so don't waste the head space on her.

I second this. At the time I was struggling with the same situation, a wise MNetter said 'no one goes to their deathbed wishing they'd spent more time worrying about the OW'. You could be doing something interesting like watching a film or baking a cake with your DC's. This really helped me stop trying to analyse why someone I thought was my best friend would have done that to me and my children.

Who cares what goes on in the deceitful amoral woman's head? Nothing I want to waste my time dwelling over.

FoolishFay · 13/05/2014 00:23

. Perhaps you need a private word with her (nowhere near school playground or DCs obviously) so you can tell her exactly what you think of her, and what she who you thought was a friend, has done to you, your marriage and your family.

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. Let her carry on crapping herself, wondering whether TODAY is the day you finally let rip!

Original poster

armybrat75 · 13/05/2014 11:34

Thank you, everyone. Your advice has really helped me. I did the school run today with my head held high and no tears :) She looks like shit and is clearly suffering and does not deserve any of my time and energy.
Time for me to focus on the future. I want to rebuild my marriage - we've been together for 20 years and have 3 young kids. I truly believe that he is sorry and this will never happen again. If it does, he's gone!

OP posts:

abbykins3 · 13/05/2014 11:48

Good for you OP.

I should have left your last post as the perfect post script for the thread but I had to say well done!!!!

FantasticButtocks · 13/05/2014 12:22

Jan45 · 13/05/2014 12:33

Just remember OP this is HIS fault, not hers - god knows what lines he gave her.

Get HIM to do the school run, get HIM to face her and tell HIM how this is putting you through shit.

Don't ever make the mistake of thinking he won't ever do it again, he has form now so whether you want to believe it or not, he's not trustworthy ever again.

IrianofWay · 13/05/2014 13:16

Good. Glad to read your latest post.

And no, whatever you read on MN, humiliation and misery is NOT the inevitable result of deciding to reconcile after an affair. FWIW the humiliation and misery happens whether you decide to reconcile or not.

The most important thing to remember is that you are not to blame, what was done was done to you not by you. There are two people who should feel humiliated and YOU aren't one of them.

The feeling will pass.

LEMmingaround · 13/05/2014 14:04

Jan - i disagree with you, this woman was the OP's friend, she is just as much to blame as he is.

Really pleased for you OP (and good that she looked like shit, its called karma). You are the one that has done nothing wrong, you are the one that can hold your head up high, you don't have to hide away and not do the school run. She made her bed, as it were... I am glad you have found it in your heart to forgive your DH, but i hope that he is suitably mortified at what he has done and will bend over backwards to win back your trust. You have to do that, you have to trust him, if you can't then its not worth it - my mum stayed with my father after an affair, and spent the rest of the marriage punishing him. As a child stuck in the middle of that, i would, with hindsight rather they had gone their separate ways - so you need to forgive 100% for your own sanity. As for her, well, as someone up thread said - she is nothing to you and you must not waste an ounce of your emotional energy on her.

Jan45 · 13/05/2014 14:04

So staying with a man who has had an affair with a mutual friend is not humiliating and miserable, how can it be anything but.

Granted, in time the feeling will pass but if you didn't feel miserable and humiliated then you'd be void of any feelings.

Flip

1 2