How do I cope with seeing her every day??

[armybrat75]

I found out a few months ago that my husband was having an affair with a woman who was a very close friend. My husband and I have been through all the shouting and screaming, had a lot of Relate counselling and are gradually trying to move forward with our relationship.
My problem is that the other woman lives locally, our kids go to the same school and we have mutual friends. It is impossible to get away from her and I am struggling to cope. I see her almost every day on the school run and I cry every time.
Realistically, this is how it is always going to be unless one of us moves (unlikely). Today's encounter out me in such a bad mood resulting in a row with my 6 year old who is now having a major meltdown in her bedroom. Really can't let this effect my kids like this.
Has anyone got any advice on how to deal with it? I feel like I take a step back in my 'recovery' every time I see her.

[LEMmingaround]

I am sure the OP is well aware of that Jan :( She has however, after seeking counselling and presumably lots of time spent talking with her DH, decided to move on. There is no reason why SHE should feel humiliated. Angry, hurt, betrayed etc, yes, but humiliated? no, she has to rise above that because she is the innocent party here. She is the bigger person who has found it within herself to forgive - that is something to be proud of actually because that takes guts.

[TitusFlavius]

The DH betrayed the OP, and the friend betrayed the OP, but the DH's betrayal was much, much bigger. What I am always depressed to see - especially in these cases where there are mutual friends and overlapping social circles - is that the OW is often treated like a pariah while the DH is allowed to be rehabilitated and fit back seamlessly into the social circles.

[Jan45]

Sorry but I can't imagine any woman finding out her husband was shagging her close friend not to feel humiliated and miserable and yes I do know this is her OH's causing!

I also know she is moving on, my remark was in answer to the post saying she shouldn't feel any of those things, I don't see how you wouldn't, that was all I was saying.

She has forgiven yes, she won't forget though and the fact she is posting on here proves she is upset by it.

Don't think it's anything to do with pride whether you stay or walk.

[Jan45]

Well said Titus, always seems to be the way.

[LEMmingaround]

Jan, i agree that she WILL feel humiliated and miserable, you are right, but the fact remains, she shouldn't feel that way because she did nothing wrong. Anyway, this is not the place to argue whether or not someone is forgiven or not.

Titus - i agree up to an extent, but we don't know how the ow is being treated by other friends within that circle, but it is totally unreasonable to expect the op to forgive her. Maybe she can, one day, but she owes that women nothing - she has chosen to stay with her DH, the father of her children, and owes it to herself to forgive him, else her life will be miserable. Im just saying that the OW's feelings are of no consequence to the OP. She is probably hurting, but not, i daresay, as much as the OP was.

[struggling100]

Humiliation is a weird thing for women, isn't it? Even when we've done nothing wrong, when we're unquestionably the injured party, we take another person's bad behaviour and we internalise it as a judgement on ourselves. We think others must be thinking 'Oh, she was a terrible wife', or worse - they might be pitying us!! So basically, we can't win in our own heads!

In reality, they are doing exactly what we do in the same circumstances, which is to say to our girlfriends 'My God, isn't she handling it with such grace, I don't know if I could go through that like she has. And isn't he a knob who doesn't deserve someone that classy'. And if they're not, they're not good friends.

Head up, OP. Heels on, swag on, stride out and practice your iciest smile for when you walk past her on the street without words and definitely without confrontation. You do not need to explain yourself or feel bad. (But if you do occasionally have a little cry at home, then that's pretty healthy and normal).

[Jan45]

I never once said she has done anything wrong, don't really understand why you are picking at my points.

She doesn't owe the OH anything, just because she has decided to stay doesn't mean she can forgive or forget actually, that could all change in the coming months.

How will her life be miserable if she decides she can't trust him and moves on?

Nobody thinks the OW's feelings matter but the OP has to face this woman every day, why can't her cheating OH do the school run to save her that humiliation and misery?

[Miggsie]

If you can cope with seeing your DH every day you can cope with seeing her as well.
If you have forgiven him then logically, you should forgive her.

[LEMmingaround]

Sorry Jan, i don't mean to pick on you at all, just that you are here posting and saying what a few others have said on the thread too. I don't mean to argue. I think my posts did seem a abit argumentative - i apologise, just "discussing" i agree with some of the things you say.

I guess if she decideds she cannot trust him and moves on, then no, her life wont be miserable. but if she decides she cannot trust him, and stays, then it absolutely will be miserable. My mother could never trust my dad again, as a consequence, she made him, herself, and me miserable. It would have been better in that instance if they had moved on. But people can and do get past infedelity, i am not sure i could, but you do have to forgive 100% you don't have to forgive the OW as she is not the person you are having the relationship with.

I don't think her dh should do the school run because as i posted upthread, i enjoy the school run (maybe im just odd) so why should the OP have to give that up, after all, she has done nothing wrong.

Again, not picking on your posts but you make good points so i am just responding to them.

[IrianofWay]

Do you think the OW gives a toss either way? I am guessing the pain she is feeling is to do with the fact that her relationship with the OP's H has ended and that she may also be embarrassed about the fallout. That fact that the OP has or hasn't forgiven her is utterly irrelevant to her.

The OP probably feels the same - she doesn't care what the OW is feeling as long as she stays away.

Why does a remorseful wayward spouse get forgiven and an affair partner doesn't? Simple. The affair partner doesn't matter and more often than not has nothing to do with the BS again - let alone offers an apology. As BS we are always being told that the AP doesn't matter, it could have been anyone, the fault all lies with the spouse who cheats, the AP was just a prop to cheat with. OK, that makes sense. Why then does the BS have to go to the effort of forgiving someone who doesn't matter. Would you need to forgive the car that ran over your child? You'd just disregard it. Being forced to look at it every day would still hurt though.

[Jan45]

Sorry maybe I'm unique here but I think even women who forgive their partners for infidelity, esp an affair don't ever trust them again, why would you, the trust has been broken.

Having said that, you can stay together and recover from it, but it takes a bloody long time and is never forgotten. I'd imagine the OPs OH is on a very sticky wicket and will be for the rest of his natural.

For me, my man having an affair with a close friend is crossing the line massively, I don't think I could forgive but who knows, it's not until you are actually faced with the scenario that you then know what your reaction is.

No bother LeM, cheers.

[IrianofWay]

BTW my comment about being miserable and humiliated was meant to suggest that that happens regardless of whether she reconciles or not. Failure to reconcile doesn't alter that fact that the affair happened, whatever the outcome. THAT is what hurts.

[IrianofWay]

BTW my comment about being miserable and humiliated was meant to suggest that that happens regardless of whether she reconciles or not. Failure to reconcile doesn't alter that fact that the affair happened, whatever the outcome. THAT is what hurts.

[dolicapax]

Army just read your last post. You've cracked it! From now on it gets easier

[elizalovelace]

Jan45 has some very wise words OP. Remember it was your DH who caused you all this pain and could just as easily do it again at anytime as now he knows he can this to you and get away with it. If I was in your position the OW would be welcome to him. An unfaithful/cheating husband is NO husband at all.