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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I a huge fool??

69 replies

yellowrose2728 · 11/05/2014 23:59

This is so fucking hard to admit, but, inspired by another thread here goes.....

P and I have been together almost 2 years. I have 2 ds he has 1 dd and we have a 3 month old between us. All kids adore each other.

We both came from v v poor relationships, dv on my side and years of arguing on his (no love lost between him and xw confirmed both sides) so our relationship has suffered, with us rowing, maybe because of our pasts where it became normality.

A couple of weeks ago we had a row, nothing more than normal....I walked into the bedroom to finish off my point (as he had walked away) and he pushed me out. ( to put this into perspective I am.5"6 and he is 6"5 and weighs 4 stone more) he pushed me with such a force I flew out and bashed my head which knocked me out for 30+ mins, in which time he panicked and called an ambulance. I came too at hospital to find him sobbing at my bedside...begging for forgiveness etc. He admitted all his faults and told me he would be different, yet said "it's not like i punched you, just a terrible accident"

Why am I still here? Does he deserve a chance or should I just walk??? Sad Sad Sad Sad

To my RL friends please understand this is not to be repeated and not mentioned Sad

OP posts:
Maisie0 · 13/05/2014 13:52

I think a break is good at this point. If he is okay, then separate bedrooms, and or separate lives for a little bit. Til both of you are calmed, and then decide what to do next then. (Actually ask him if he is okay to aim for separate bedrooms, and insist that you also need space to think too. See his response to you.)

Whether he deserves a chance or not depends on how you feel, and if you can totally forgive him actually. Plus whether he is also fully aware of the situation too.

I do not think that it is foolish to actually think about this. Or to give yourself time.

Mabelface · 13/05/2014 18:14

Maisie, you'd really advocate her staying with this man who pushed her so hard and aggressively that she was knocked out for 30 minutes, and after that he lied to paramedics and made sure that she stuck to the same story he told as soon as she came round again? Really?

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 13/05/2014 18:36

Maisie that is appalling advice. You clearly have zero knowledge of domestic violence. You may cause an Op to put their life in danger by suggesting that staying is an ok outcome. Whether she leaves in the short or long term, as it can take a while to accept that leaving is what must be done, leaving is the only safe outcome. DV follows an extraordinarily predictable pattern, which is always downhill into greater danger.

Op, please talk to women's aid or find the freedom program. You have to find the strength to go.

Original poster
yellowrose2728 · 14/05/2014 00:23

I'm sor

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2014 00:25

Are you OK OP? Your post cuts off disturbingly mid word... Confused

Original poster
yellowrose2728 · 14/05/2014 00:29

Whoops!! Hit send by accident.

Thank you all for your messages and support Smile

I have been too afraid to come back because I am still here. I know that people will (rightly so) see me as being weak Sad but I need to get my head around it all before I leave.

Yes our dc is a girl and I would hate to think she would ever be in this position Sad Sad Sad

I have been suffering with nerve damage so have been taking lots of meds, therefore the dr assumed my collapse could have been due to that. So no further testing or wasting nhs time or money as one poster suggested Sad

I don't know what happens next. I'm scared for all of us Sad Sad Sad

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 14/05/2014 00:32

Don't be afraid to talk because you're still with him. Nobody wants to judge you, we're trying to help. What do you want to do next?

Original poster
yellowrose2728 · 14/05/2014 00:39

I want to go back to that night Sad I want to have not followed and possibly infused the row further.

When I say we row, I don't mean horrifically or every day. Just probably more sniping than most on both sides.

It's never been violent before and he was devastated at what happened.

I am pathetic aren't I Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2014 00:41

No-one's going to think you're weak just because you're finding it hard to comprehend what happened. When you say you're scared I wonder if the thing you're most scared of is not a repeat assault but going it alone?

It's good that you were seen by a doctor because if you did decide to report it, there is a record. You have options.

Original poster
yellowrose2728 · 14/05/2014 00:51

I have suffered DV and have always 'known' it would happen again with stbxh.

This time I don't feel like that. Yes he lied to the paramedics, but he has taken everything I have thrown at him. We had a night with no dc where there were a lot of tears (him, not me) I basically told him how he made me feel.

Are promises always unfounded or could he be worth trying for? Please be honest, I can take a lot Smile

OP posts:
justmuddlingalong · 14/05/2014 00:55

I'm sorry, but you can't go back in time OP. You're not pathetic, just confused and scared. That's understandable. You have to look forward and make decisions about your future. Either option is scary. I know you want to believe it'll never happen again, he never meant it, it was somehow your fault. Your brain will be whirling. BUT, the posters on this thread are trying to help, many of us have been where you are now. You wish you could go back in time, well so do I. Back to the 1st time my Exdh ever lifted his hand to me. I would leave straight away.

justmuddlingalong · 14/05/2014 00:59

After the 1st incident of DV, did your Ex say it would never happen again?

Original poster
yellowrose2728 · 14/05/2014 01:10

No, he told me that I had made him angry and that's why he lashed out. There were no promises from him Sad

OP posts:
somedizzywhore1804 · 14/05/2014 01:19

Good grief OP the force it must have taken to knock you out for so long sounds very serious indeed. I banged my head on a shelf last summer and concussed myself. I hurt myself badly, had a huge bump and a concussion and only knocked myself out for 30 seconds, if that. To think how hard he must have pushed you is terrifying. That's no accident. You could have died.

Maisie0 · 14/05/2014 01:29

Mad / Not quite - By the way, I am not asking her to stay. I am asking her to get herself some space like asap. (To make her have some timeout Me time. To ask him is to force him to realise what he had done. She can learn a lot from his response, and if he will respect her wishes and answer the right thing by her. She should not give into this at all and please him more than herself. If he answers no, then she has her answer and that he is really looking after number one.) I also do find it dubious on his answer of "but you made me". Cos that is not sincere, and it is really a "get out clause". If he felt remorse, then he would have tried to avoid it a lot more.

I have no idea of her situation at all and how it is. I do not know what the OP truly wants to do, to be honest. Cos surely, her wishes is and should also be respected too ?

Why am I still here? Does he deserve a chance or should I just walk??? sad sad sad sad

I read the above line as more of a "thinking out loud" kind of line. Cos at the end of the day, any actions to be done, has to be done by the OP herself, and if she wished to and so forth. But I do agree that, with DV, you often are into a "bad habit" and it can rile things up again and again. It takes an awful lot of self control not to be baited, and to also walk away, and be safe.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2014 07:16

"Are promises always unfounded or could he be worth trying for? Please be honest, I can take a lot "

It is not your responsibility to 'try' here. Your responsibility is to keep yourself and your DCs safe. There is no material difference between a man that hits you and claims it was an accident and a man that hits you but doesn't apologise. He's calling it a one-off but the relationship is already characterised by rowing i.e. aggression.

If anyone has a responsibility to try and restore trust it is emphatically him. In the meantime, to stress exactly how intolerable violence is, you tell him to leave.

OnaPromise · 14/05/2014 07:29

This could have killed you. The fact is he behaved in a manner so reckless and without thought for your well wing that you ended up in hospital. I don't believe ghost he don't do it again. Please keep yourself safe for the sake of your dc.

Itsfab · 14/05/2014 12:36

Please go back to your GP and tell the truth about what this horrible vile man has done to you. This is your HEALTH. You have a duty and responsibility to keep yourself well for your children. You have no duty or responsibility to the prick that has hurt you and you must NOT allow him to get away with what he did.

Please don't feel you can't post. We care about you and if you want to stay with him we still want you to feel you can come on here for support.

My advice, tell him you are devastated by what he has done (violence and lying) and you need some space as at the moment you want to stay with him but that can not happen without a short break. Get him out as a priority. You may find you don't want him back. The reality of the seriousness of what he did might hit home and you realise there is no going back from that. By then he is out so will be better at keeping him out. At the same time he hopefully will show you he really is sorry knows he was wrong, ADMITS and APOLOGISIES and then you can consider taking him back. If he doesn't then there is your answer.

bibliomania · 14/05/2014 14:58

I don't think you're weak - you've managed to get out of a dv relationship before, and I understand why you desperately want this to work.

I agree with Itsfab plan - get your P to leave for a while. It's a test - if he really gets how serious it is and wants to make sure no harm will happen, he'll comply. I tend to think he'll minimise it and put the blame on you and generally kick up a fuss so as not to go. I'm afraid you'll get your answer about his priorities from that.

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