Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh being horrible to dcs

53 replies

Edenviolet · 11/05/2014 20:41

I don't know if he's tired, fed up or if its due to being in pain but dh has been absolutely horrible for the last few days. I need to write it down just to get it all out as there is nobody I can talk to.

Dh decided the other day that me and dcs need to change our surname (we didn't when got married two years ago) dd got upset and dh shouted at her why does she want to keep a pikey/gypsy surname and then kept shouting potatoes and Tarmac at her.
Today he threw away the rolls for dds dinner, claimed he didn't realise they were new and screamed at me to bloody get over it and dd could have something else to eat.
He has just reduced dd1 to tears as she hadn't tidied her room and then did the same to ds1.
He is in a foul mood but I don't know why and I really don't want to be around him.
I don't know what has triggered this nasty and very childish behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 11/05/2014 22:16

He claimed he didn't know we needed the rolls Hmm very odd considering before we left I said the other dcs had been fed and when we got home I'd do the panini type rolls for dd, dh and me. He knew they were for dinner.
I do not understand why he threw them but he said I hadn't told him I needed them???
I had also told him what time ds1 programme was on. Got back and dd was hypo so I have no idea what planet dh was on for the hour and a half I was out with dd1. Quite frankly it bothers me as to why he had 'forgotten' everything I told him.

I suppose all these little incidents are irrelevant really, I just feel stuck in a situation where he's no good for us really but I need his help with dcs.

OP posts:
MeMyselfAnd1 · 11/05/2014 22:20

Sorry to point this out but...he is been agresive towards the children, and you are taking the frustration out bu going for a walk to avoid talking back at him. Who is working to avoid the problem being repeated? Whatever they said about words and sticks is the words that hurt the most.

It seems like your DH needs some boundaries, and unfortunately you are the only one who can set them. Though work, I know, but an essential one.

MeMyselfAnd1 · 11/05/2014 22:24

Frankly, if he did it in purpose, you should be worried, is he bringing it into the open that she doesn't deserve to be treated as an equal to her siblings?

Nanny0gg · 11/05/2014 22:26

I do not understand why he threw them but he said I hadn't told him I needed them???

Because he was being spiteful?
Because he could.

That's not fair on them.

Blu · 11/05/2014 22:26

Why would anyone throw out good rolls?

And he let your dd go hypo?

His rage or lack of control is very destructive, and possibly dangerous. Why did he allow that to happen? (the hypo?)

Original poster
Edenviolet · 11/05/2014 22:28

We had changed dd2 s continuous glucose sensor before I left so she didn't have that on (have to wait a while to turn it on again) so he may not have realised or expected her to go low as usually the alarm goes off but really he should have done a finger prick check so I'm not suppress what happened exactly.
I might ask ds1 in the morning exactly what dh was doing whilst I was out as he clearly wasn't looking after dcs very well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 11/05/2014 22:29

Sure as to notsuppress

OP posts:
Trollsworth · 11/05/2014 22:31

Exactly what help is he given you? He neglected one of your children until she had a hypo, and he threw your daughters dinner away. He has called her racist names, and bullied her until she cried.

You need this? Maybe you do, but if you need him so badly you should put your daughter into foster care because she has a fucking miserable life.

Fideline987654321 · 11/05/2014 22:39

He is showing contempt for you all (potatoes and tarmac? to his child?!).

Contempt is usually a death-knell for any interpersonal relationship.

Do you really need his help with the DC? Does he not cause more work than he does?

He sounds like a source of stress rather than help. Does it feel like that?

Flowers
Meanderdeander · 11/05/2014 22:39

He is an abuser and you are facilitating him to do it to your children. I don't have anything to add as the only answer is you leave him.

Joules68 · 11/05/2014 22:44

You say you need him for his help with dc..... But you go out and leave him in charge and come back to chaos?

He didn't help....at all.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 11/05/2014 22:47

I can't say for sure he neglected her, he probably is so used to the con glucose monitor that he just assumed she was ok, and as she has no hypo awareness its hard to tell when she's low so I don't think that was deliberate. The throwing away dinner I'm not so sure about.

At the moment I can't manage without him, during the night we have dd2 either needing a snack or a hypo treating or a high sugar corrected. Se needs the toilet a lot during the night too. Dd1 often wakes in pain and ds1 wets the bed/has bad dreams/ dislocates joints. Ds2 is still bf and wakes up a lot so I have to sort him out.
Each morning is a juggling act of getting dcs up. Dd1 is always in pain, exhausted and often feels faint.i have to help her dress and do her hair. Ds1 often refuses as he hates school so we have that to deal with that then of course dd2 needs bg check and 2 injections and breakfast. Ds2 also needs breakfast etc and then we have to get them to school and dh goes to work. It can be an absolute nightmare. After work its literally a 'handover' before starting the nighttime medicines etc and the horrible nights again.

OP posts:
Thislife · 11/05/2014 22:48

You are complaining about his behaviour. Then defending the same behaviour when someone agrees with you.

You call him 'horrible' in your thread title but 'really lovely' most of the time.

I'm confused.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 11/05/2014 22:51

I don't understand why it was chaos, I'd done everything before I left, dcs bathed and fed, house relatively tidy. All he had to do was watch them but it seems what he actually did was nothing except throw rolls away.

The potatoes/Tarmac/pikey comment was unforgivable. Its probably the worst thing he's ever said.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 11/05/2014 22:53

He is usually lovely but for the last few days has been horrible. It is very difficult as when he's lovely he can be wonderful but when he is nasty he is spiteful and disgusting. He doesn't lose his temper often, rarely argues to but every so often this happens there's no in between with dh

OP posts:
Trollsworth · 11/05/2014 22:59

Hedgehog, I lived with a man like this. I tolerated his horrid behaviour for far too long. This is why I feel we'll qualified to say the next thing.

Your life will not be harder if you kick him out. It will be easier, because your children will be better behaved once they aren't being neglected and abused any more.

Right now, I get that your house is in chaos when you come back from somewhere. I used to come back to chaos - kids having asthma attacks, having to slap together a meal because lunch mysteriously got forgotten, showering a child who had been left in a dried on shitty nappy. Awful. And I looked at my life and how hard it was and I thought 'how will I possibly cope if I kick him out, I'll have to do twice as much!'

Actually, it turns out that I immediately did less. Less negotiating with someone determined to have their own way all the time, less calming down upset children, less getting up in the night to deal with behavioural problems caused by inadequate care during the times while I was at work, less coming in and then immediately having to pick up the slack on everything that had not been done for the past six hours, less arguing about money, less trying to keep the peace. Less dashing out at eleven pm because SOMEONE had to have a huge bowl of cereal that would have fed both children in the morning, and all the milk in the house to drown it with.

Less.

I think you will find that you would do less too. You would do less stressing, less worrying, less child calming and less tongue biting.

AnyFucker · 11/05/2014 23:04

There is nothing "usual" about this man and about this relationship

This level of crap (that you have been posting about for some time) is highly unusual

He isn't "usually lovely"

he occasionally pretends be nice but those times to do not cancel his abuse of his children

and still...you stand by

mammadiggingdeep · 11/05/2014 23:07

You came back to chaos because he was on strike to punish you. Question: would you have realised that dd might get low and have a hypo? Would you have done a prick test?? If the answers are yes them he bloody well should've done too. He's her dad and he's her carer too.

VanGogh · 11/05/2014 23:11

Hedgehog.

How would you feel if in 20 years, DD1's partner treated her and her family the way your partner treats you and yours?

Is it acceptable?

You're teaching your babies that daddy's behaviour is acceptable. I say this as your DD1 in 20 years time... Only I was the hyper mobile dislocating child who screamed out when I woke up in pain. I still do. My DP helps and holds and loves me. I would expect nothing less. He is consistent.

It takes A LOT to break all that learning your children are being subjected to. Please.

gamerchick · 11/05/2014 23:11

Hedgehog... if when the bairn gets this pump and hopefully the diabetes becomes more in control and the night wakings become few and far between. Do you think you'll be able to cope better without your husband living with you full time?

Would you then be able to sack off the disability car and get the cash for taxis instead?

Just reading your posts it's the uncontrolled diabetes that makes me feel tense more than anything else. I can't imagine what the whole kitten caboodle is like for you.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 11/05/2014 23:11

I don't know why he would want to punish me though, I took dd1 to the Pilates class her consultant said she should attend, it wasn't as if I'd gone out for fun.

OP posts:
Fideline987654321 · 11/05/2014 23:13

There won't be a rational reason for his irrational behaviour, OP.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 11/05/2014 23:14

Iam hoping the pump makes a difference. Diabetes has been the biggest problem I think. Every minute of every day I have numbers in my head.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/05/2014 23:15

The pump won't change your husband into a decent bloke

Fideline987654321 · 11/05/2014 23:15

Sorry hedge but your DH is your biggest problem Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread