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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help me

42 replies

coward74 · 11/05/2014 20:37

Been together since our teens. 3dc 1 -12.
He doesn't work, doesn't look after the baby either, we have a childminder. I work fulltime. He has CFS but also smokes a huge amount of cannabis for "medication"

I'm practically a single parent. I do all work, school runs, appointments, breakfast, lunch, dinner, house work, bath time and bed times.

He sleeps. A lot. During the day and stays up late at night. He sleeps on the sofa. Says he doesn't want to wake me. Only sleeps in the bed if we have sex.
His only complaint in life is I'm not affectionate or sympathetic enough. We don't have sex enough apparently.

Just writing this makes me seem pathetic.
I've told him tonight that there really is no point to this unless he's an active member of thge family. His response is fine, if I'm so bad you won't miss me when I'm gone then. He's now moping about feeling sorry for himself. He's telling me he's going to the council tomorrow to get housed. I've heard it all before. He hasn't a penny which I know doesn't help his self esteem. He's entitled to ESA but because of my earnings doesn't get any. He has access to my account but doesn't touch the money in a martyer like way.

I don't know what to do. I'm so so unhappy. I'm on antidepressants. He's just seen me type this and is now sarcastically asking me if I'm making plans for my future. His paranoia is another thing !

OP posts:
scarletforya · 11/05/2014 20:40

Not good Op. Are you paying for the cannibas Op?

rootypig · 11/05/2014 20:40

My post won't do justice to how complicated this is, but -

You are not pathetic, you're in a dysfunctional relationship and you seem to recognise it for what it is.

You can't really do anything about your partner. All you can do is invest in your own wellbeing so you build the strength and resources to deal with the relationship in whatever way you decide. You say you're on anti depressants. Did you doctor offer you any other support options - therapy? Do you have any insight into how you each got here, since you've been together so long? thoughts on why you are staying with him / have stayed?

AnyFucker · 11/05/2014 20:41

Have you posted about him before, OP ? I sincerely hope there are no more shit men like this in the world Sad

maras2 · 11/05/2014 20:44

Lazy bastard.Google Cocklodger then kick his junkie arse out.You poor woman.No one should be treated the way he's treating you CFS or not.Good luck.

PeppermintPasty · 11/05/2014 20:48

I hear you with the single parent thing. Look, this is a good thing for you really, as you won't miss him when he is gone. You do it all now anyway, and he doesn't do anything for you does he?

You are not responsible for him, he is. As hard as it sounds, you must let him go, get rid, and put yourself and the children first. It's not going to get better with him around.

mammadiggingdeep · 11/05/2014 20:59

It'll be easier when he's gone. You're doing it all now but with a good for nothing man child sleeping in your sofa.

I bet you won't need anti depressants once he's gone...

Hoppinggreen · 11/05/2014 21:05

Block his access to your account NOW!!!!
You will be much better off when he has gone in every sense of the word.

Original poster
coward74 · 11/05/2014 21:19

Haven't posted before.

I don't buy his cannabis. I couldn't afford it. Can't say how he gets it.

He won't leave really. It's just something he says to call my bluff. He tells me he loves me, fancies me etc. Helps me out when im ill. But everything is on his terms. I haven't had a lie in for 12 years. He won't get up and gets ballistic if I wake him. Says it's his condition making him so rough. He is in what appears to be constant pain. But our lives are so depressing. Every day starts with how bad he feels. He gets angry with the world ranting and raving.
on Saturday some 13 year old kids kicked our door and ran off. I shouted oi stop that and shut the door. Thinking that was it. He flew out there calling them little cuts and saying he would kick their heads in. I told him this was too far. Unacceptable. They are kids. My eldest heard it all and thought it was terrible and is concerned now about come backs.

We've been together over 25; years. Im not brave. I fantasise he'll have a car crash and I'll be free.
Its not fair on him either as I should just have the guts to tell him to go. Im such a mess.
I lived with him longer then with out . I have read all the books. Vi know this is wrong. Im a mess. We aren't normal and this is what im raising my kids in.

OP posts:
rootypig · 11/05/2014 21:25

Ah coward it's not easy. The difficulty of leaving a relationship even for the best resourced person is a mystery. But making the decision is the hardest part. Life without him will be so much easier.

It sounds as though all your energy is going on keeping you and your DC going, that leaves nothing for change. You sound like your self worth and confidence is terribly low too.

Could you make an appointment with your GP to talk about options for support, as a first step? you need to prioritise your health and well being, you must be shattered.

FolkGirl · 11/05/2014 21:25

His CFS doesn't stop him from running outside and abusing the local kids then, I see. Hmm

I wonder how much of his current state of inactivity is genuinely due to his condition, and how much of it is a combination of being a lazy bastard and stoned.

Why on earth are you still there?

FolkGirl · 11/05/2014 21:26

Well, yes rooty is right. When you're in the middle of the situation, it can be hard to find the emotional resources to leave or kick someone out.

Do you have family or friends you can lean on?

rootypig · 11/05/2014 21:27

You can do it!
You just need some support Flowers

AnyFucker · 11/05/2014 21:29

He "flew out there and threatened to kick their heads in" ?

That doesn't sound like someone in chronic pain

Original poster
coward74 · 11/05/2014 21:38

Folkgirl I think that too. I used to smoke the odd joint when I was in my early twenties waaay before kids and I'm not stupid. I know how I would be smoking ten joints a day plus.

He's told his cfs councillors and they say if it helps with pain do it. This appears to have been a green light .

its depressing. I feel like me and the kids are a family and he just lives here.

Yet for someone who contributes nothing I appear to behgiving him a lot of say.
We've never taken the kids abroad cos he can't take smoke over there.
We don't go out cos he doesn't drink and always want to smoke.
We went to a child free wedding a few months ago. He left me on my own in the venue with no one to talk to three times while he went to the car to skin up.
he doesn't dance or do chatting.
when we take the kids away always at my instigation and cost he never participates. He kind of stays on the side lines. We don't use the evening entertainment for the reasons above.
I never go out with friends. He is far too paranoid. He never tells me I can't go but I would walk on eggshells for months after so I've stopped.
I want to start running but am afraid he will think I'm up to something.
My gp did suggest councillors as I have been signed offwwork for six weeks but I have to return soon and I still haven't booked it. Will it help me make the decision ??
I think im afraid I will regret it. I know I won't but what's wrong with me !!

OP posts:
Original poster
coward74 · 11/05/2014 21:43

He says the reasons for not doing much is pain. He does appear to be in pain everyday so therefore when I say something I come across as an unsympathetic bitch.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/05/2014 21:44

what would you regret exactly ?

he is a useless fuck

I am sorry to say though you are also in the wrong. You are giving your kids some terrible examples of what constitutes a relationship here.

expect them to emulate it unless you make a change for the good...and that means get rid of the dead wood and make a better life for yourself

mineofuselessinformation · 11/05/2014 21:47

See a counsellor ON YOUR OWN. Sorry to shout. It might help you to look at the situation objectively.
I don't expect you to answer this, but I'm wondering how the hell he is all matyred about taking your money, but can buy cannabis???

FolkGirl · 11/05/2014 21:48

I'm sorry, bu tAF is right. He is an absolute waste of space. But you are choosing to stay in that situation. What exactly would you miss?

You are giving your children an appalling example of adult relationships. You owe it to them to leave him. They're only going to get one childhood and this is it. Hanging around the house whilst their useless fuck of a father gets stoned?

What kind of a life is that?

rootypig · 11/05/2014 21:51

I think seeing a counsellor on your own may well help you, yes - not that I think you should go to counselling with a view to making a decision about ending this relationship, but in the process of investing in your health and well being, you will arrive at a decision / be able to leave.

Being in this relationship is a huge part of a load of ways you're treating yourself like shit, and going to counselling or doing any one of a bunch of other things for yourself (like running, great idea) will break that pattern.

heyday · 11/05/2014 21:56

The paranoia could be a direct result of cannabis use as it can cause this. There are some treatments for CFS such as amitriptyline which is commonly used as an anti depressant but is very good for sleep disorder and pain relief. The other name for CFS is ME and he could contact the M.E society for help and advice about treatment. Cognitive behaviour therapy is often used as is graded exercise programmes. Yes cannabis can be good for pain relief but it's pretty pointless if it's destroying the family. I have had M.E for 20 years and it's bloody tough but I have managed to bring up my 3 kids as a single parent, work part time in a school, run the home and now play a major part in the upbringing of my young grandson. It's a tough illness but sounds like he is doing absolutely nothing to help himself except get off his head every day and spending large amounts of money which could be used for the benefit of his family. He will continue to behave like this whilst you continue to accept it. You have to get strong now and find a solution to this horrid mess. It's time for him to change or get out and it's time for you to now to insist on it. And btw you are NOT pathetic at all ok so get that notion out of your head. You are tired, angry and bloody fed up which are fully entitled to be.

Joules68 · 11/05/2014 22:17

You can't say how he obtains his canbabis.... So illegal activity?

Original poster
coward74 · 11/05/2014 22:46

I've just emailed a counsellor. I'm going to do this.
I have to get out of this.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/05/2014 22:48

I hope you do. Not for your sake, because I suspect you have no respect left for yourself at all...but for your children's sake. Do it for them.

rootypig · 11/05/2014 22:50

Brilliant, well done. I hope they're helpful.

Just build yourself up, OP. Sleep a bit more. See your family and old friends you've been neglecting, if possible. Counselling to go with your ADs. Build your strength. Flowers

Selks · 11/05/2014 23:32

A relationship is only worth having if it adds something positive to your life.

What does he contribute to your life that is positive, OP? Very little indeed by the sound of it. He is dragging you down, and he is a poor role model for your children.
It can be hard to consider a new life when you've been for someone for a long time, but it's not so hard really. And the relief when you finally get out of a draining, negative relationship is huge.
Start claiming your life back, OP. You can do this.