help me

[coward74]

Been together since our teens. 3dc 1 -12.
He doesn't work, doesn't look after the baby either, we have a childminder. I work fulltime. He has CFS but also smokes a huge amount of cannabis for "medication"

I'm practically a single parent. I do all work, school runs, appointments, breakfast, lunch, dinner, house work, bath time and bed times.

He sleeps. A lot. During the day and stays up late at night. He sleeps on the sofa. Says he doesn't want to wake me. Only sleeps in the bed if we have sex.
His only complaint in life is I'm not affectionate or sympathetic enough. We don't have sex enough apparently.

Just writing this makes me seem pathetic.
I've told him tonight that there really is no point to this unless he's an active member of thge family. His response is fine, if I'm so bad you won't miss me when I'm gone then. He's now moping about feeling sorry for himself. He's telling me he's going to the council tomorrow to get housed. I've heard it all before. He hasn't a penny which I know doesn't help his self esteem. He's entitled to ESA but because of my earnings doesn't get any. He has access to my account but doesn't touch the money in a martyer like way.

I don't know what to do. I'm so so unhappy. I'm on antidepressants. He's just seen me type this and is now sarcastically asking me if I'm making plans for my future. His paranoia is another thing !

We've had another row.
We haven't really spoken since Sunday. House has been full of tension so as usual I start backing down and chatting to break the ice. Even though nothing I have said about not getting any help has been acknowledged. He just says " yes yes I'm a cunt its all my fault keep telling me". He says I run him down and make him feel like shit but won't acknowledge why just wont help me.

Today when I got up to sort the 3dc something I do everyday alone he was up. Wow I thought. He's going to help me. Wrong. He turned the stereo up loud and had a smoke in the garden while I struggled on.
Dc2 had to stasyoff school as ill so I cared for them. Then he went back to bed at 2pm leaving me to do pick ups dinner bath and bed. Alone again.
He got up when the baby went to bed.
I tried to chat but he was hostile. Said I haven't touched him in 2 days and I'm not supportive about his dads death. Said he has no intention of coming near me again. Thats a lie if I offered sex he'd take it.
So I got angry. Told him everything I do day after day makes me supportive.
I pushed him out the door as he is going to visit his disabled mum and told him not to come back.

He will.

DO NOT LET HIM BACK IN

Sorry to shout OP, but he is not a nice person. He does not deserve to share oxygen with you and your DCs. Good lucjk.

OP what do you want? I know there are layers and layers of shit to dig through, but what do you want for you, irrespective of him? what life can you picture that you would be happy in?

I want a happy home for my kids. I want to get up in the morning at the same time as my partner. To go places with someone who wants to be there. To not listen to anti black anti police anti women rants.
I want to be strong and as AF said I'm so terribly scared I have no self respect left.

He says all he wants from ME is love honesty and respect. He chants that all the time. He says he loves me and is atrracted to me, well thats great but really ? Where's my respect

The things that you want sound worthwhile, and lovely. They are specific too. Can you imagine them with your partner?

If not, can you imagine leaving your partner? I mean really doing it, imagine the days without him there, what does it feel like. Can you shut him out for long enough for the relationship to end? Do you have the strength? can you find it?

In the nicest possible way, I don't care what he wants, and I wish you felt the same

I can do the practical stuff. The days are easy. I've rearranged my work times so I do the school and childminders run. I cook clean bath and bed every night.
It wouldn't effect me financially so I don't have that excuse.

I don't know why im afraid?
Nothing would change except he wouldn't be there lurking on the sofa or sleeping upstairs or on the p.c all night.
Don't get me wrong he runs the dc to places in the evenings I can't get too cos I don't drive but I guess I could learn ?

I don't know why. I think it's the actual process of asking him to leave and how horribly messy he will want to make it. He keeps saying what a waste I've wasted 25 years and getting tearful. So why not change then !!!
Im scared he will do a big dramatic leave and upset thr kids. Dc2 is already terrified we will separate. She makes all kinds of excuse for his behaviour.

He sounds vile. You deserve better than this.

I'm not surprised you dread the process - it sounds like he's a dab hand with emotional blackmail, and literally a dead weight. Even on the thread from what you've said I can feel his inertia, if that makes sense. This big weight you have to shift.

But you're not responsible for his emotional wellbeing and don't let him convince you otherwise. You have to let go of any guilt you feel. You've given him enough already, you don't owe him anything.

What you can do is try to manage things, so he can't do his dramatics. Any ideas? It sounds like you need to be just totally calm and business like, so you don't feed his need for the shouting and crying.

Do you have any friends or family you can enlist for moral support while you go through this? someone you can call every night and say everything you need?

As for DC2. This comes squarely in the category of what you know better. From everything you've said here, it sounds as though you and DC will be infinitely happier without him in the house, and you know that. So have the courage of your convictions.

So this perpetually stoned man drives your kids around in the evenings?

I'm off to bed now OP. I came back to say goodnight and the last line of your last post caught me, about your DC2 making excuses for his behaviour. Get out now, before this really establishes itself as a pattern for her life. You need to want more for yourself, and you need to want more for her.

Coward - you're taking the first step by realising how bad things are.

You are not in a good relationship. You are in a bad one. And you know that.

You are providing everything - EVERYTHING. Why do you even want him around? You can't even go running?

Go running! Live your life where you can and let this bell end of a dick wad of a loser go. LET HIM leave.

I could understand a bit if you had no money and if you depended on him but you don't. He NEEDS you! Let him go. What a fucking loser. How do you even muster the energy to fuck this waster of a man?

Darling, you can do so much better than this. Do you know what that's called? It's called being on your own with your kids and dropping this DEAD WEIGHT. What is this pathetic man doing for your kids apart from teaching them how to treat women (like shit). PLEASE LET HIM LEAVE! OR - at the best - KICK HIM OUT

Your child is already making excuses for his behaviour so that's one child well and truly shaped by him :-( Are you married?

Tell him to take his illegal drugs and his bags and go. Dear god, what are you waiting on? Your other two kids to turn in to his mirror image?

Poor you, you're so conditioned and worn down that you're allowing a man to endanger your dcs' lives.
How harshly would you judge another woman who was allowing that?
If you don't have enough self respect to do it, do it out of shame for the harm done to your children.

Aside from the drug of choice, this man sounds exactly like my father. The day my mum said she was divorcing him was the happiest day of my life up to that point.
Please leave him - you won't regret it. And your DCs will thank you. Maybe not immediately but one day.

Why on earth would anyone show this man love and respect when he is unlovable and contemptible? He's lazy, selfish and obnoxious.
Whose name is the house in? If it's in yours, then tell him to leave and if he refuses, you can call the police to physically remove him.

OP are you still there? Please come back and talk to us if you can. either way, I hope you're ok

I'd be more concerned for my children's welfare and safety not only being in the same vicinity as someone who is taking drugs, but also being driven by someone who is high on drugs.