Feeling so alone,need to talk

[crazed]

Am away on holiday with my DH and 2 children at MIL and FIL'S.All DH's family have been here for a celebration and am feeling so alone and out of the whole family thing.
I never felt I was excepted into the family when me and DH first married and never felt good enough.
Since being here my MIL constantly tells my ds off and he gets dirty looks across the table from dh's brothers if they feel he is'nt behaving to the correct manner.Dh's sister keeps telliong him not to do things and I am feeling like such a bad mother compared to DH's brothers wives who can do no wrong.
MIL is monitering whatmy ds takes from the fridge, how much he is eating and she limits what he can have.I twell her he is a growing boy and eats a lot at home but she makes me feel like he is being greedy.Only this morning they were'nt alowed an egg each or seconds of rice krispies fgs.
My dh is moaning about them behind there back but today now we are due to go home tomorrow he is saying oh well maybe they are too noisy and they are getting on my nerves so they must be getting on theirs.I just feel so unwelcome for myself and mychildren and am sitting here in tears.My dh justsays control yourself and save it until we get home,so as not to uppset anyone.
What about me and the children being treated like this where is his loyalty to us?

It must be difficult for yuor DH. whilst he knows that it is upsetting to you he is probably thinking that at least your going home and all will be forgotten (by your ds) soon enough.

try and hold your tongue for today and then when you go home have a talk with yuor DP and explain that clearly you will not be staying at his families home again, if there are celebrations in future you would prefer it if you got a hotel or whatever.

it sounds as though he has also been a bit miffed atthe attitudes of his family as well even though he is trying to play peacemaker.

Sending you some (((HUGS))) though as you sound like you need them.

Go out and buy some food and let your son eat it. Sorry but a second helping of cereal and/or an egg isn't like your DS is being a greedy pig on sweets or biscuits.

As for them correcting him and telling him off ask them not to. Tell them to bring it to your attention and that you will deal with it.

They sound like a really miserable bunch and to be honest your H sounds like he is being a shit to you to appease them. I'll bet you will be really pleased to get home.

If I were you, I wouldn't visit. Either politely explain that you don't feel welcome - and rationing your ds's food is ridiculous and downright rude! - or just happen to be busy whenever you are due to go. Perhaps just meet up with them on neutral territory.

lol...see me personally would have just told them to bog off and bought DS some extra food for hi to eat as and when he pleases.

but i just think you have lasted so long you may as well hold on for tomorrow and then just refuse to go back.

if they ask why you dont wish to return you can then explain whilst you are calm. if you say anything now you will risk saying far more than you may intend to and could cause far more family tension than you had ever wanted.

Thanks Fattiemumma-I just feel so isolated at here.I was feeling really low before we left and did'nt want to come but I did'nt want to let the children down .
My dh has done a lot of drinking over this last week and that has'nt helped.He drinks a lot atb home anyway so for me it was a busman's holiday I don't feel like I have had a break.

This morning though DH was getting so frustrated with his mothers comments andwhen we came upstairs the children were playing around and he smacked ds on the bottom which he knows I don't approve of smacking.His mother has been going on that she smacked and is ok.
I was furious abot this and then DH just seemed to go againest me and stood on my foot and said sarcastically "sorry" and told me to get out of his face and not to talk to him.
I than said I would'nt be visiting with my children again to be traeted like this and they could visit us in --.To which dh said "they won'nt want to visit -- if everyone there is like you.
He has just got so nasty this visit and has almost ignored me and he knows I can't do anything about it as i have no money or can't get to the airport to get home .I just feel totally that everyone is getting at me and I have been in tears most of this week and wanting to say something to stick up for myself and my children.All everyone has done is complain about the noise level of the children,they are meant to be on holiday fgs and are only 5 and 3 and excitable.
Why invite us?

Thanks everyone for your support I am at the end of my tether.This last week has been a nightmare and if my self esteem was low before I came it is at an all time low.
I just wish DH wouldstick up for me sometimes,I have been in floods of tears and he has just gone downstairs and ignored it so as not to make a scene.It's all about not upsetting his family and having the perfect children who go to bed on time every night and don't interfere in the adult time.They eat at 8pm here with wine and the whole table napkin thing and my children love nothing more than to sit at the table and be socialble.But no the children were'nt allowed to do this any night and werei in the way .A couple of nights I ust took them upstairs and I went without dinner just so's they did'nt disturb anyone.DH did'nt come upstairs at all after I got the children to sleep to see if i wanted any food and I felt to emrassed to go back down later.So just left them to their expensive wine and their gourmet food.
My family would have come upstairs with a plate of food for me so as not to feel left out.

This trip has been a real eye opener for me.Me and DH were having problems anyway and this has just made me see how like his family he is,so selfish.
I just sat there one night and thought I don't want this anymore,things have got to change.

Hun you have said your self esteem is low and that he drinks alot at home.

what is the rest of the relationship like? obviously you aren'thappy or your confidence would be a lot higher and you wouldn't feel so low.

Maybe this trip has been good for you, yu have seen your DH in his own environment and can see the cracks in your relationship.
When you get home you should talk, the standing on your foot thing worries me. was it an accident he just didn't care about or was it intentional?

Do you have freinds or relatives you can have a cuddle and a cry with when you get home? i think you need to getback to your own house and have a few days to settle back down then sit your DH downa nd try and get some things sorted.

Im so sorry you have to put up with this for another day hun.

Oh Crazed, it sounds so miserable there for you and dcs. Hoe you are counting down the hours until you get back.
Sounds like dh is being defensive of his own family and very selfish in his 'own patch' Once you get home and the setting is calmer I think you do need to talk about the way he made you feel. Smacking ds when you don't agree and hurting you then being sarcastic is not the behaviour of someone who loves and respects you. You deserve better and he needs to hear this.
Don't worry so much about the rest of the family - the whole food issue is ridiculous & you never have to stay there again - but sorting out the fact your h is making you feel like s**t is a bigger issue.
Hang in there

He does drink a bit at home but he sees it as a socialble thing as does his family.His father has a cellar so drinks with a meal every day is not unusual and quite a few bottles.
Mealtimes have been quite stressful with all the family geting so drunk and arguing then fo4rgetting it all the next morning like nothing has happened.DH got irrate with me one night and started being abusive and I went down in tears only to be told by his brother and sister to go back up and not antagonise him anymore.They just brush it under the carpet and ignore it.

I think he did stand on my foot intentinally and also pushed me back on the bed.
I tried tlaking to his parents once before but they were,nt interested and put the phione down on me.You see it does'nt fit in with there perfect,upper class high brow ideals so choose to ignore it.Never mind me but I would have thought they would be concerned for their grandchildren,but after this visit I can see that their grandchildren just seem to be in the way.

I could talk to my niece when I get home as my parents died quite a few years ago which upsets me when I don't feel accepted by his family and my children only have one set of grandparents.
As for not coming over again I am sure they will be asking about christmas soon and DH I knows wants to bring the children over.I would imagine he will side with his family over this as I just can't win and am always accused of slagging of his family.DH always says I can't stop him bringing them over for christmas.

MIL and Dh have just gone to visit an old uncle so me and the children are on our own for a while.
MIL has left instructions she would like me to make dinner whilst they are out,but am not familar with her kitchen and dh's family are very choosy about their food and am feeling under pressure to produce something wonderful.The kids are running around and am so stressed at the moment to cook and keep an eye on them.
I told DH and his mother just said well she cooks at home whilst the children are around ,yes i do but in my own familar kitchen and my child proof home.Where as here they have so many rooms and expensive breakable things I have to keep an eye in them.
I told DH he can do it when they get back,if she moans she moans.
Ironically the other daughter in laws had help with their children whilst they cooked anything whilst here and children are banned from the kitchen when gran is cooking,but I obviously have to manage.

Hun this is clealry a lot deeper than just this visit to the family.

you need to consider what is going to happen when you get home. will you consider counselling?
I am concerned that he casued you pain intentionally....was this the first time?

If you get invited to his family again over christmas make it clear to him that theh answer is no...for you and the children at least!
They sound like a horrible bunch pf incredibly selfish tossers. i don't blame you for just wanting to go home.

maybe you could writte your feelings down so that when you get home you can show him just how bad you felt this week.
how do you think he would react to hearing that.

as i say, i think this is about more than this week and its your marriaga as a whole that need some attention.
you should start with discussing it with Dh and then go from there.

God, it sounds absolutely horrible. My only advice (and I don't think you should really do this) is to present your MIL with a meal from McDonalds and ask your FIL what wine goes best with a quarter pounder with cheese

Sounds like your kids are normal, happy, noisy little ones, not Stepford Children having had all the joy squeezed out of them by over-exacting parents. So good for you!

tribpot -

fattiemumma-thanks for your reply.I have felt so alone this week and my mobile was out of credit so could'nt even ring anyone.

He does'nt hurt me but is very cutting with his words and he does grip me round the arms usually and gets right in my face.
He will always be on his familys side agaiest mne even when he sees how distraught I am he just tells me to get a grip and don't make a scene and that I am embarrassing.

As for christmas he always says he will take the children whether I go or not and I can't stop him.
He agrees that sometimes his family are out of order but just gets frustated with me about it and never confronts them.This has happened everytime we visit,thankfully only about once a year.I am just fed up of being the one who gets all 6the earache and abuse when he should be talking to them.

Something in our relationship does need to change and I told him that being here this week was like a light bulb coming on in my head and me thinking I don't want to go back to the way things were.His drinking needs controlling,but with his family not being willing to help me with this and ignoring it I am at a loss to carry on struggling with it on my own.i had hoped his family would have approached me after a couple of incidents with them on evening but they got up the next day as if nothing had happened.That says to me that don't give a toss about me or my children.

You poor thing, it sounds awful there. Can we come and rescue you? Do you have a friend you could phone, just to hear a friendly voice? You sound like a lovely Mum - there are definitely big issues there but perhaps it won't help to face it all today - can you act your way through it, smile and ignore them? Or take the children out for a walk somehwere?

It sounds as though the MIL wants you to fail with tonight's meal - is there anything really easy you could cook - what sort of oven is in the kitchen? How about a really simple casserole which could cook very slowly all day?

God luck getting through it - I would probably be drinking my way through the cellar by now.

Sorry - good luck not god luck!
It sounds as though the drinking culture is part of that family's life so they probably don't see it as a problem. Perhaps when you get home you can explain that you don't want your own children to inherit it.

tribpot-that's exactly it.The stepford children is an ideal way to describe it.My ds has special needs and does tend to be hyper active sometimes and very sensitive.MIL mad him cry the other day because she said he could'nt have the whole pot of mini jaffa cakes and had to only take 2.He sobbed poor little thing and I hugged him and took a deep breath and had to walk away as I could feel myself getting so angry.MIL has pots of money and does'nt think twice about drinking maybe £50 worth of good wine a night but moans about her grandchild havbing a pot of mini jaffa cakes.

As I am writing this I am thinking am I over reacting to all this but I could go on and on with instances where she has got at ds over the slightest thing.Telling him he is noisy and a chatterbox when he has selective mutism and has done so well this this visit to talk in front of lots of people who have been staying here.
It is such a momentous moment as he normaly has big problems with this.
But of course the in laws don't think of that and realise what remarkable progress he has made.I think it's because it'does'nt fit in with the stero typical grandchild,well behaved,children should be seen and not heard type of thing.I honestly think they are ashamed of his SN's and MIL has'nt even asked me about how he is getting on at school or what progress he is making.
This really pisses me off.I am so wanting to say something.

crazed I would personally go home if i could

is there family that could pick you up, or lend you some money to get home

think their behaviour including your dh's is disgusting
and you have done very well to hold your tongue and temper
I couldnt of done that

as for dinner

I would boil up some shit and serve it to them
as that is what they have given you.

You deserve a medal tbh.
xxx

your DS sounds lovely

ediemay-I could make a lasange but think I will wait till DH gets back then get him to do it.If he is so into his precious family then he can do it.

I have told my DH that I don't want the children around drink all the time and he says things will change but even on this visit the first night we arrived he went off with his family to the local before dinner and left me to get the children ready for bed.Everynight here I have sorted the children out whilst he has sociallised.

This relationship is shit at the moment and am looking forward to geting home and talking this through.This trip has just made me realise even more things are not right.I wanted to stay at home but was rail roaded to come only to be made to feel a bad mother and a total freak.

Good plan - let him cook - I hope he burns it!

You sound like a great Mum and I hope you get some time to talk when you get home. Good luck with getting through tonight x

desperateSCOUSEwife-We are over in Ireland so I can't get home earlier.I don't drive ethier.

Good idea for dinner.

My DH would be so mad if I were to make a fuss and would do our relationship no favours.
But am not willing for every one to keep giving ds disapproving looks and tell me how I should discipline my children.They have no idea how stressful it can be with a child with SN and another child and a husband who is'nt always supportive and drinks a lot.
No wonder I am highly strung and on edge most of the time I don't need them to make me feel worse.

Where's DH gone, crazed? Is he visiting the old uncle too? If not, why has he buggered off and left you with two children and a meal to cook? (Incidentally, kudos to you for being able to do that even in your own house, I can't do it with one 14-month-old ds I am ashamed to admit! And he has no SN other than being monstrous )

It sounds like your ds is doing really well despite being around people who clearly couldn't give a monkeys about him or his needs.

Btw, are you on the in-laws' computer? Be careful to delete your history before they get back, just ask if you need to know how.

tribpot-It's ok I am on my laptop.

DH has gone out as well so am here with the children and trying to keep them out of trouble.

As for the cooking I am going to leave it and face the consequences.