Remind me that this is unacceptable!

[thatsnotmynamereally]

Yikes. Having a bad day. After a late morning argument about lack of sex for h (he was lolling around on the bed naked looking at his laptop, probably porn) he got mad at me for not taking the hint that he wanted sex, I asked what he's done to make me want it- answer was that I just should, etc. He proceeded to ask me what I think happened to men who were denied sex for 2 whole weeks (eh?) and said he's look elsewhere, I said fine, and why was it always all about him, and when was the last time he had done something nice for me? I meant that as a question to make him realize how selfish his attitude is. NB it has been a weekend of doing things related to his hobby, he has expected my help and support and I've given it. He countered with: 'its all about you- we had to go look at that house you wanted to see and I told you I didn't want to'. Somehow that tipped me over the edge, it was an open house and I thought he wanted to go too. It was literally 1 hour max out of a weekend that has revolved around him. He started lecturing me about how if I didn't get myself sorted out (he means go to go and get female viagra if that even exists, so I will have more sex drive) he would be compelled to leave me. I said fine, it's over, got my bags and walked out.

Anyway... I drove away but came back. He is stranded without car. Now he's in bed with a stomach ache which is my fault a d I've been told to sit quietly on the sofa. Now wondering wtf to do next...

also- realize I've been told to LTB before but i keep brushing things under the carpet. Plus I'm worried about pushing him into violence, he's controlling and abusive but not violent. I've just started counselling, second session tomorrow, was hoping to get more insight into my own part in this before i exit the relationship...

PS sorry for typos, and am an phone but going to press send just to get a record of this so I don't rearrange it in my head afterwards.

He told you to sit quietly on the sofa? For that reason alone you should tell him to fuck right off!!!

What a prince! No wonder you don't want to shag him! Who would?

You know that what you are doing here is managing an abusive partner.

That's impossible, all you are doing is staving off the worst by contorting yourself until you can't bend anymore.

You've been 'told to sit quietly on the sofa'

Bollocks to that!

Take the car and go out. If he's in bed, he doesn't need it and isn't stranded..

Go and do something that makes you happy, go feed some ducks, go for a walk, somewhere nice.

Do you have any mates you could pop in on?

Thanks means a lot to me to know I'm not alone. I'm planning to run as soon as am on land but... I'm literally on an island now and if I take the boat he's stranded. That is why I came back. Thinking over options now.

You were told to quietly sit on the sofa?.

What is your own bottom line here?. Its been set far too low and you are on some level still tolerating his abuse of you. He acts like this as well because he can.

Why have you not left this awful person?. Fear of the unknown?. Perceived feelings on your part of shame and embarrassment?.

Do you have children?.

You need to exit this relationship, please tell me as well that you are not doing joint counselling.

I would also suggest that you look into doing Womens Aid Freedom Programme as such men do take a long time, years even, to recover from.

Leave the bastard stranded!

I second that..leave him stranded.

Not joint counselling, through women's aid, they have been great. But they keep saying they can't tell me what to do (which is why it's nice to come on here and get perspective).

anomily that's what I did but now want to retain the moral high ground others will just get his side of story

Unless you live at the North Pole 'stranded' is easily fixed with a call to a cab firm, surely? I'd get my stuff, get back in the car and leave him to it. Certainly wouldn't be taking instructions to sit quietly. That's bizarre

Control and abuse is never acceptable. Violence is just the next step on that miserable road.

What would happen if he was stranded? Could someone else take the boat back if you left? (Would he just sit there and starve to death till you returned ?)

Who cares what side of the story others get? It's not their life. Don't stay in a bad situation so that you can get the best story for the other people. That really shouldn't be a consideration.

This isn't going to get better for you. If you are concerned now that he could become violent then you need to get out.

By the sound of it he's going to trash your character after you've gone anyway. Adding 'and she left me stranded without a car!!!' is going to sound pretty pathetic. Take the car and get to the high ground/dry land/whatever. Forget morality

...it's hard to retain the moral high ground if you live with an abuser.

They're very good at manipulating facts to make themselves look good: and there's always a mug out there who will believe them.

Your safety and wellbeing always matters more than someone's opinion.

Thanks so much for all your replies. wrdy I hadn't thought of that, I could ask neighbour to give him a lift and leave keys on board.

such a stupid situation. He can be nice, yesterday he saw a stranded coot chick an we rescued it and returned it to nest. But. He is not nice to me!

What do you care about?

Your sanity or what other people believe?

He's abusive and controlling, you know this. Don't wait for him to get violent, get out now. Leave the fucker stranded, it's no more than what he deserves.

Oh, and he's not stranded without a car....that's what taxis are there for.

Get your clothes, get in the car and leave for a better life right now.

He is in bed with stomach pains.

He needs nothing. Go out!

I know th fear that you have in the pit of your stomach at the very thought of disobeying him. I know how ill that makes you feel.

But it's not real! It's only what he's conditioning you to feel. Be a little bit braver and push the boundaries.

When you go for it, you'll feel the freedom you have and it'll spur you on to further freedom. Please don't think this life is all there is.

It's no life at all. You will be happier without him. I promise!

just leave - is the car yours?

Honestly, if you have somewhere to go I think you should get up off the sofa, without his Lordship's permission, and just bloody-well go. Who cares about stranding him without a poxy boat or a vehicle? Would he grant you the same courtesy? I think not.

He needs and deserves to be serviced regularly does he? Well, he can service himself or find someone who will but it shouldn't be you.

Just go. You don't owe him anything. Just go.

Yes go go go!

He's up now and huffing around. I'm going to suggest he takes me across, will update later.

Er, no.

Just go.

Because if this were the other way around, he'd leave you without a second thought.

Let him find a lift and get the boat back or whatever.

Prick.

I've read it 3 times and my mouth is open!!!!!

Let me get this straight...did he actually tell you to sit quietly???

Oh my. Seriously, not being flippant but ltb. Just ltb.

My mother used to tell me to sit quietly on the sofa for 5 minutes when I was 7 and had been naughty.

Are you 7? Is he your mother? If the answer to either or both of these questions is "no" then you must pick up the car keys and leave.

So what if he's stranded? He sounds like the big fucking I am that could sort that out no bother. He shows no respect or consideration to you, so why you should worry about showing any to him?

GO!

Home now. Can't believe I went back, I am a total enabler. But- I'm glad I did it like I did. If I'd just left I would be filled with doubt, as it is I feel I've made a point, stated my case, which I haven't done before.

We are home safe. This is so not over. I gave him a long and heartfelt rundown of how his attitude of selfish entitlement was making me feel- he says I have not shown him any affection for years, and he's right, but I honestly feel no affection for him. He drove back - informed me he'd taken 4 of his happy pills (d*ckhead. Sertraline, like Prozac) so I didn't know if he was driving having taken a dangerous overdose. He is fine. I don't think I should get in a car with him again. He brought every bit of conversation back around to himself and how it makes him feel. No consideration for me whatsoever.

Counselling session tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it.

Bit if I'd left him stranded he would have milked it to the extreme. He's furious at me for ruining his weekend. Sadly mine was ruined too. You should have head his begging/commanding phone calls Friday that I had to get out there ASAP ...(longish story I won't go into, separate house, he'd been out there for the week and I was relishing my freedom). then I get out there and first task is to make him cup of tea. FFS! There was nothing important for me to do, he just wanted his companion/servant.