How do you deal with passive aggressive behaviour?

[icanneverremember]

Particularly when it's outright denied such as:

"I don't look pissed off" when the other person clearly has a very grumpy expression and is sulking.

I have tried pointing out the passive aggression and saying things like "could you please lose the tone from your voice. I am trying to have a discussion with you but your tone is upsetting the children"
The response is met with even more passive aggression such as:
"You just can't let anyone be pissed off can you? Perfect Ican, you're always perfect aren't you? Yep, it's obviously just me, the problem's all me." (obviously said sarcastically, angrily and usually followed by stomping out of the room.

Any genuine advice on how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated as it's a recurring issue for us.

He does sound aggressive and unpleasant and a total pita to live with but is there some underlying reason for his behavior. I mentioned my DH feeling unappreciated, it just seems either he is nasty to you constantly and you should leave him or there is something else which might be fixable.
Was he brought up with a DF who was waited on by his DM? Is he struggling at work and taking it out on you?

Perhaps go for counseling yourself, which will at least cause some discussion with DH about your unhappiness.

well could you not have taken them? Then you wouldn't have had to run it past him at all. I usually always take my youngest for a short walk and blast of fresh air.

But it sounds as if you have intense problems with communication in general.. why is he 'allowed' to assume you're doing anything when you have to make your words sound right before you say them? I really really couldn't be bothered with all of that :(

doziedoozie yes, his parents have a very traditional relationship where mum stayed home, did housework, childcare etc and dad went to work and did diy jobs around the house. I feel that they project those expectations onto dh and are apparently telling him (when I'm out of earshot) that they don't know how he copes - meaning looking after the dc while I work at the weekend. Although it's nice that they see how hard he works I can't help thinking that this perpetuates his feelings of being victimised (ie I'm the ONLY Dad who has to look after the dc on my own. His Dad quite regularly sits down for a meal I have made and at the end passes me his empty plate to clear away. Dh ( probably unconsciously) mirrors this, even down to the casually folded arms as they watch me tidy away.

DH has been in a much better mood today and has even read a bit of the book I mentioned! I've shown him a chapter about Problem Solving Between Adults as I think it will really help us. Fingers crossed he reads it!

Thanks for all your help everyone.

That sounds promising ican. :) :)

Fingers crossed.

In any case, here are some transactional analysis basics in case you find them useful.

they project those expectations onto dh and are apparently telling him (when I'm out of earshot) that they don't know how he copes - meaning looking after the dc while I work at the weekend

It sounds like he agrees with them and that's why it's important to look at your leisure time. Older people expected men to have free time to rest and relax but not women. This was because 'man's' work was considered harder than 'woman's' work which we all know is a load of bollocks.

So whilst you are sitting down working out a list of all the jobs that need doing, work out how much leisure time you each need.

This means completely free, in or out of the house, with friends or alone, to do whatever you want, without responsibility for childcare. The crucial aspect is that it should be equal. So, if he currently gets 7 hours a week and you get 4, add them together and divide by two, so that you each get 5 and a half.

You don't have to rigidly stick to it, of course, but just writing it down, looking at it, talking about it, makes it more obvious who is doing the lion's share of the work.

Regarding looking after his own children whilst you work, why would he not be able to cope? It's something that millions of men and women do every day. What is it that he finds so difficult?