Being DRY

[Bigglesfliesundone]

This is the fourth thread for those of us who want to abstain from alcohol completely.

It's an arduous path at times, but we're still here!

We know how easy it is to slip, and how hard it can be to stay on the road, but we also know that we can't drink 'just one'.

The thread motto is 'Watch the film to the end'



Come and have a coffee!

[nochips01]

Hi everyone,

Rachael I hope so much that your DH is better very soon.

mab you are so not a depressio-bore. Hope you feel better soon. What are the things that are bothering/hurting you? Tell us, that is why we are here. You sound like you feel how I feel- low-grade constant depression. You might havePND. For sure I had quite chronic PND until Ds hit possibly 3 years old..... he is nearly 4 now and I only feel like I have even recognised it in myself. I think I am chronically depressed, but it is at a level that is just there ... constant, debilitating, interfering with my ability to enjoy life- to even be able to cope with my own very self.

I finally opened up to my counsellor about the drinking. That was a good move. She used to be a massive alcohol and heroin addict herself so it was good to talk openly to someone in real life without judgement. We talked alot about AA- of which she is a member. She has so many clients just like me- educated, professional, young women in their 40s- who have drinking profiles just like me. She is thinking of setting up a support group so we can just get together and talk together. I CRAVE that- it is what WE have on this thread, I think. To have something like that IRL as well- I find myself hoping that she does set it up.

I am struggling today.

Skippy- the raspberry lemonade recipe was from here- it's lovely.

www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/11288/pink-lemonade

I actually use it not straight but as a squash with sparkling water, diet lemonade or tonic water.

How are you biggles with your mum?

202 days Sorcha!!

Love to you all.

[hyperhops]

afternoon all
youngest 3 dc on holiday this week so I am off work with them.
feeling really tired and a bit grumpy today. and of course dc have been fighting and arguing and crying all day...or so it seems! and I was hoping to do some much needed sorting in the house but feel I have got nothing done due to constant trying to mediate/comfort/entertain dc...sigh...
feeling frustrated.
oddly though not feeling the need for a drink at all...will no doubt hit around 5 ish like usual!
right...need to go consider what to do for tea.
rachel thinking of you today , hope everything is going ok.

[RachaelAgnes]

Hyper, nochips, everyone....

Well, after six hours of surgery he is on the ward, looking well, and much slimmer than this morning.

They removed his kidney and tumour, weighing around 6lb.

I'm celebrating with tea and cake, then bath and bed.

Thank you all for being here and this thread x

[allhailqueenmab]

Hi Rachael. Great news. So glad all went well.

[merce]

That is brilliant news. You must be so relieved. And exhausted I should imagine - worrying takes it out of you. Sounds like a perfect celebration. Well done for managing this tough time without picking up. You are an inspiration to us all!!

[skippy84]

Thanks for the recepie nochips, it looks great. Glad to hear he's doing well Rachel you have been really strong.

Day 11 here and feeling great. I'm almost worried that Im finding it so easy, pride before a fall and all that. Have started reading Empowering your Sober Self and it's making an awful lot of sense to me. It's available on kindle if anyone's interested.

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Mab, my girls are similar ages to yours - 5 and 2.5 - and I know what you mean about trying to entertain them both! As for the weepiness, I'm 70-something odd days into this sobriety thing, and I often feel sad. And when I'm not sad, I'm hyper, or anxious, or giggly-excited. I was always dubious about the idea that alcohol numbs your entire life, but I'm starting to think it's true. I think the weepies, especially, are REALLY common. You're on Day 15 - that's amazing! TWO WEEKS! And of course, now that the fog is lifting, other things are coming to the fore.

You don't need to solve the 'why', yet. Just don't drink. Live through it. You'll settle down, or you'll have an epiphany, or you'll learn coping strategies. It's fine. You don't need to work it out yet. Just treat yourself like you have a cold, go to bed, and cry if you need to.

[Chumhum]

Is there a thread for people supporting those who are dry or aiming to be? My DH is having some help to stop drinking and I'm finding it hard hitting the right note in my support.

[CollieEye]

Marking place. Day 1 done, starting day 2.

This thread popped up in active at just the right time for me yesterday. I'll post more this evening after work.

Hello everyone!

[merce]

Hello Collie and welcome! You are in the right place and you will find loads of support here. Well done on completing your first day and hope today goes well.

Chumhum - not aware of a thread like that on MN (which isn't to say there isn't one), but I'd suggest you take a look at the alanon website first. Specifically for family/partners of alcoholics. Really really useful.

[allhailqueenmab]

Hi Colloe! Good to meet you, look forward to hearing more from you later.

Hi everyone else!
Thanks so much for the pep-talking, Tortoise.
And thanks for the support yesterday, nochips. This - "level that is just there ... constant, debilitating, interfering with my ability to enjoy life- to even be able to cope with my own very self. " - resonated with me. Sorry you find things hard. I know the feeling.


Good luck everyone for enjoying one more precious AF day

Well fricking done, Rachael

[LittlePlasticCastles]

Hi everyone. I'm sorry if this isn't the right place to post this, but from what I've read it seems like a really supportive thread. I'm not an alcoholic yet but I think I am heading in that direction. Up until a few years ago I only drank at the weekend but it has gradually increased and now I drink everyday. I've decided to stop completely before it becomes more of a problem, today will be my first dry day in, well I don't actually know how long. I suppose what has made me realise it might have become a problem is the fact that I no longer eat much, as I am getting most of my calories from booze rather than food. I really want to just cut alcohol out of my life completely as I am fully aware of the devastation it can cause. There's a strong history of alcoholism in my family and I have lost several relatives to it. I'm determined not to drink tonight but I'm also scared. Thanks.

[allhailqueenmab]

Welcome LittlePlasticCastles! I love your name.

Come and post tonight, if evening is when you usually drink, and someone will hold your hand.

Here is the first thread (before it was called "dry")

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1894820-is-anyone-interested-in-an-alchohol-free-addiction-thread

Here are the notes on the tone and spirit of the thread:

"Anyway without wanting to be bossy, and in the spirit of just getting it all out there as suggestions and letting people say whether they agree or not, here is how I would like this thread to be:

• for people who intend to stop drinking. Completely. Not a support group for those attempting moderate drinking. (though I accept in principle that after a period of abstinence you may progress to that, I don't want to hear about it and will find it triggering)
  

• not for relations or family of alcoholics.
  

• support the person, but not necessarily the behaviour. If a person comes on here after drinking with a renewed intention to stop, we support the person, and the intention to stop, but not the drinking.
  

• I suspect there will be an emphasis on the experience of women and mothers on this thread. I am fine with that, and this is where I am coming from, but other voices and other experiences are very welcome.
  

• authenticity in communication. Upthread someone expressed an opinion about my relationship. I don't agree with what they said but I am fine with the person saying it. I am prepared to be questioned on anything and even be criticised on anything, and I hope that we can establish a dynamic where we can talk honestly but kindly and even with love. I do not want to be staring at weeks of posts by a poster and thinking "It's her husband!" or "it's her diet!" or "it's her job!" and feel like I am not allowed to say it. I might be wrong of course. But let's establish that it's ok to say "sweetie, are you sure it is a good idea to do x, y, z which really don't seem to be working for you?"
  

• confidentiality. If anyone mistakenly says anything "outing", don't take advantage of it, and alert the poster to it discreetly"
  

I suppose I see this thread as similar to a "closed" AA meeting, ie, for anyone who wants to stop drinking - anyone at all, absolutely anyone - but not for friends and relatives

For me that distinction has a lot to do with guilt. Carrying guilt around is a huge burden and working out how to deal with it has a lot to do with how I learn to be a functional human being who doesn't need to drink. Having people standing about tutting because their dad or their brother is an alcoholic who has ruined their life really isn't going to help me with that (although I am sure they would not really tut)

[Bigglesfliesundone]

blimey, I don't get on for a couple of days and it all starts happening Rachael, so, so pleased that it went well. I hope everything continues to stay positive.

Every one feeling down: I have a theory about that - I think that we are troubled drinkers because we have mental health problems in the first place. It's true that drinking can cause mental states to collapse but I believe that we have the problem in the first place. The drink becomes the cure becomes the foe. Probably saying something really obvious here but I guess I that, as well as the obvious withdrawal depression makes it even worse.

Good to see new people. Stay with it! I am on nearly 7 months and it is still tricky at times, but so much better despite the annoying times!

Having a rubbish myself! my leg is ridiculous. Going to a different doctor on Thursday as it is clearly not a muscle. Can't run, can barely hobble sometimes, and I wish I could afford to see a sports physio. just beyond us sadly. One session around here is about £35 and one is no good is it anyway? so, just going to have to hope there's a solution.

Also sad today as my youngest dd has been referred to great ormond street at her request for some surgery. She really wants this but I am very anti for lots of reasons . Of course it is her decision but it's not vital, it's cosmetic and then thought of her in pain is very distressing. We'll see what the consultant says although I know this guy is very good and very highly regarded. I just hate this fixation we have on looks .

all in all not the best day! still sober though and still smiling (ish).

Have a great sober evening all. x

[icanneverremember]

Hi all,

I wondered if I can ask some advice. I don't know if this is the right place so apologies ifnot, I happy to be redirected.

To be frank I'm worried I might be an alcoholic. It gives me chills just typing that. I've been quite happy recently because I don't drink as much as I used to. I used to drink every night and often go to bed with the room spinning.

These days I can manage one or two evenings a week without a drink but not always. I'm also happy because I can now often stop at one or two drinks rather than going to bed pissed every night. But I still worry. I worry because I feel like I need it. To me, it's a big achievement if I can go to bed without drinking. I also feel slightly panicked if there's no alcohol in the house. These seem like red flags to me but my "perception" of an alcoholic is that they spend the whole day drinking, go to work drunk and drink drive - I do none of these things but does that mean I'm not an alcoholic?

A massive trigger for me is when the dc have their dinner. I do it at 5pm and almost always have a glass of wine while they eat. I then usually have another, then another etc...

Do you think I have a serious problem? Or is it something I can just exercise a bit of self control over?

Thanks for listening, I really appreciate any input.

[Bigglesfliesundone]

Hello I believe the old answer is 'if you think you are, you must be'!

however I don't know about that! You sound worried that you have a problem though. Do you feel that it's getting in the way of your life? _That it's making you sad? or ill? unhappy?

I can only go by what I felt which was that although I (no longer) drank all day every day (which I shamefully had done), I still wasn't in control of what I drank, it no longer made me happy and it made everyone around me very unhappy.

I knew that it was 'now or never' and so made that decision.

Hopefully some more of these fab people will be along to help you. Stick around though xx

[icanneverremember]

I worry that it may be making me ill. I noticed a while ago that my eyes looked yellow and it scared the crap out of me but didn't stop me drinking which worried me hugely.

I was recently told by nhs direct that I should take my son to hospital but my dh had to do it because I had aldready (at 6pm) had two large drinks.

I would LOVE tomorrow to wake up with the determination and resilience I see with all of you on this thread.

[SundayMorningComingDown]

Hi all. Just checking in to give my support and love to all of you, whether long term sober or newly arriving.
I have been on a frikkin rollercoaster of Dry/ so very not dry for weeks, and feel a bit wrung out tbh. Real life has recently thrown me a massive curve ball, and I am trying to deal with it all, so in effect gave myself permission to drink, which of course isn't helping, but feel pretty powerless at the moment.
One thing I have been wondering, is this: How do those of you with drinking partners manage to stay sober when there is booze in the house??
I am single, and even then I can't seem to do it for long. If I had a husband who bought wine/ drank in front of m I KNOW I wouldn't be able to do it.
Are you, in fact, superwomen?!?
Also, I wonder if wine is more addictive than any other substance on earth. I don't care about beer, hate vodka, can take or leave whisky. My problem is wine. Well, my problem is too bloody much wine, but still.
I want to be like all of you when I grow up.
And skippy you are so brave to be acknowledging your actions RE your daughter, and so brave to be doing something to change your life, this early on, when she is still little. Don't feel guilty, feel proud. x

[MistressofPemberley]

Hello newbies.

Reading some of your posts reminds me of the exhausting nature of the daily battle of moderation. It really is so much more peaceful just to stop. Peaceful yes, easy no. The only tips I have in my limited time of being sober is that you kind of have to get mad with alcohol and let it know that it's not going to be the boss anymore. If you want to stop, really be stubborn about it. Don't be half-hearted. Know at every event you attend you are not going to drink alcohol (and know what soft drink you are going to drink). Don't even let a chink of weakness show.

Also read as many books as you can about drinking. Books really helped me in my darkest days. My kindle is full of them. Read old threads too, to realise you are not alone, and that you are not a weak/bad/broken person. Wine really is the most addictive drink in the world for many of us.

I'm good. About 80 days sober. Despite a rubbish-sleeping baby I feel brilliant. Exercise and good food helps, but stopping drinking alcohol has been the catalyst to all of this. For the first time in a long time I am being good to myself, and as a result, my self esteem is growing.

Posting really helps too, especially in the early days. Good luck. You can do it

[merce]

Hi there Icannever. Welcome. I think the determining factor is whether or not you are powerless around alcohol. I know I am - or became so. It ended up controlling me - no matter how hard I tried… It's much more about that than the amount/time you drink in my view. In fact I think the inability to control one's drinking can be the scariest thing - especially if one is normally quite a controlled/organised person. I couldn't believe I wasn't able to control that one aspect of my life - drove me MAD! But I found the solution was in just accepting that I am simply powerless over alcohol. Wired that way. Crying shame, but there it is and all I can do is accept it and move on. The freedom it gives you when you don't have to keep trying to 'control' alcohol every day is amazing! So NOT drinking at all is far easier than trying (and in my case failing) to drink 'normally'.

I totally understand the horror of typing/saying/thinking the word alcoholic! It sounds to me as if you feel you do have quite a serious issue. If so - you are in the right place. Not easy, and it doesn't happen overnight, but I promise you it can be done and life is a million times better sober. Without the shame, fear, hangovers etc.

One thing that really helped me at the beginning was keeping things in the day. Just focus on getting to bed sober. Today. Take it one day at a time rather than projecting and wondering 'how am I going to survive at the work do next week' or 'will my life be dull and pointless if I am sober' etc. If you manage to do that - the days add up and the fog (and fear) starts to clear.

Sorry - slightly droning on. Am sure others will have loads of useful things to say. Anyway, well done for posting and you are in v. good company here.

[merce]

Put so brilliantly by Mistress above - 'the exhausting battle of the daily battle of moderation'. SO SO true. Massive relief to stop fighting.

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

I noticed a while ago that my eyes looked yellow and it scared the crap out of me but didn't stop me drinking which worried me hugely

Hi, Icannever. I've pulled out the above quote because I think that the test of alcoholism is not how much you drink (although you describe a similar pattern and quantity of drinking to me, by the way, including the fact that I could go through periods of moderating as you're doing right now) but that you feel there are compelling reasons to stop and yet you don't. That's the real test, I think.

In a way, it doesn't matter what the label is. I didn't call myself an alcoholic when I first stopped. And I didn't think I was 'that bad', even. I knew I was drinking well outside of guidelines, and that my attempts at moderating hadn't worked (but I also thought 'I hadn't tried hard enough'), but that was all. It's only now, really, that I'm even starting to grasp how dysfunctional my drinking was. I don't think you can see it when you're in it.

So, maybe you are, maybe you aren't. The only way to find out is to stop drinking and see how your life feels that way. And hey, if you aren't, you can always drink again, right? But you won't know, properly, unless you stop for a good long time. Try Belle's 100-day challenge, here for a start?

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Sundaymorning I guess I feel like, if I wanted wine badly enough I could always get it. I live walking distance from two wine shops. And there's always going to be people drinking around me. Honestly, DH drinking at dinner (he has one large glass a night and then stops) doesn't bother me as much as, say, the joking references to 'tough day with the kids, let's crack open a bottle' that are all over the media. It depends what your triggers are, I suppose.

Right at the start, I found it a bit trickier. We have a half-decent wine collection, only a couple of dozen bottles but some of them we've been cellaring for over a decade, and that makes me sad. Luckily we were about to move house, so I swathed them all in bubble wrap and packed them away for a couple of weeks. They're out again now, but it's not as much of an issue.

[nochips01]

Morning all.

Some great posts. Welcome newbies. :)

I lapsed. i was feeling strong and then felt like I was too tired to fight anymore. Mistress' post above is a really good one.

I have signed up for Belle's 100 day challenge...... I feel like I need the added support.

Day 1 today.

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Good luck, nochips. If you want a sober penpal, I'm happy to email utter drivel back and forth across the world!