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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp's depression

62 replies

MistletoeBUTNOwine · 11/05/2014 00:37

Have posted before about dp, He's depressed. Won't see gp for help as he's also a doctor and is ADAMANT that he will lose his job and registration if diagnosed. Therefore we won't be able to afford the mortgage if he's not working. We have 4 mo DS and my dd from prev relationship.
Today we had a big family BBQ with friends too, was lovely. Now he's drunk and says he wants to die. I'm upstairs bf baby and got this message from him-

I want to finish everything. With some self respect - knowing that I looked after you, always. You can have everything Mistletoe

Wtf am I supposed to do?

OP posts:
Fideline987654321 · 11/05/2014 07:22

How about you ring MIND as a first step?

Fideline987654321 · 11/05/2014 07:23

They have a section on their website about what to do if a loved one refuses to seek help/treatment too x

HeartHotWaterBottle · 11/05/2014 07:28

It's a shame he thinks seeing a doctor might affect his job, sorry you are going through this.

Could you see a private doctor?

heyday · 11/05/2014 08:56

Please ask him to read a book called Doctors as Patients, edited by Petre Jones (yes spelling of Petre is correct) it was written by doctors who face the daily struggle and stigma of living, and working, with mental illness. There are organisations who deal with the specific issues of doctors with mental illness and these are given in the book. It can be purchased on Amazon. It was actually co written by my own doctor whose life was often hell because of the illness and is a real insight into the difficulties faced by GPs when it's them who are the patients. He would really benefit from reading it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/05/2014 09:02

If you won't call 999 and have him removed I think you need to tell him to leave and get his own help. You can't fix this person and, being very cynical, I actually think he's not so much depressed as getting a massive kick out of scaring you to death and bringing you down. Appalling treatment.

CustardFromATin · 11/05/2014 11:04

Reading your later messages, it sounds like he's not healthy enough to be around you and a you baby, especially while he's not getting help. Does he have local family he could stay with or someone who could move over to be with him for a bit while either he moves to a short term rental or you move with your parents for a bit?

The next day these things feels a bit unreal and it's tempting to dismiss them, but they will only continue or even get worse until he gets help (and maybe not for a little while after that to).

It's beyond you respecting his professional standing at this point, he sounds like a danger to himself and even to you. Get help for yourself and your family, and then for him. Good luck!

Original poster
MistletoeBUTNOwine · 11/05/2014 13:24

Thank you everyone. He's admitting this morning that he unwell, I've said doctors tomorrow, a counsellor isn't enough he needs meds too. He didn't argue. His family down South and would NOT be sympathetic Sad

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 11/05/2014 15:38

Ok so he calls his go tomorrow morning.
And goes as urgent appt.

If he does not then.I Can guarantee you will be in same place days or weeks from now..at that point resolve to call 999,
The erratic behaviour last night -up down asking to marry etc etc - you described was v like my exp was prior to voluntary admission. (Because I refused for him to be at home )

He needs therapy maybe me to start with.

Be prepared to dial 999 if he behaves again like last night. They will take him to a and e and assess him and hopefully discharge with follow,up.

Of course better he goes to gp and gets help that way. If he really unwell he can't hide it...and what about his patients ? They deserve someone who is on top of their mental health ... Don't know what line he is in but it is possible he could be making dangerous errors in his work if he isn't well.

cestlavielife · 11/05/2014 15:39

Maybe meds medication to start if he v erratic

Minion100 · 11/05/2014 17:00

I'm not sure a counsellor is that much help with very severe depression. I think he needs referral through to GP to a medical therapist with training in this sort of illness and managing it as well as some medication. Bearing in mind the medication can often make it worse before i gets better he is going to need a lot of support.

I plead with you not to pass off suicide threats as dramatic and unreal. It's amazing what people are capable of in the depths of the most severe forms of depression and both he and you are actually in danger whether you can see that or not.

Please don't think "this applies to others, I know him".

I thought I knew by stbXH but the things he did when severe depression hit him left me gobsmacked. these illnesses completely mess with the mind and in some cases can be extremely serious.

I would call 999 if he does this again and if your GP does not take it seriously enough you need to press to see a diferrent one.

Hugs OP, it is NOT easy

Original poster
MistletoeBUTNOwine · 11/05/2014 20:20

There's one of the partners where he works who I'm on friendly terms with, I'm going to ring her tonight for advice on which route to take.
I've had 'mild' depression in the past, no suicidal ideas but overwhelming apathy which was treated with Prozac, and worked very well for me do I do have some idea about how he is. Although I was nowhere near as bad, so it must be horrendous to feel like this.
I'm confident that we can get through it, we are a good team usually!

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 11/05/2014 20:34

That's a good idea to phone one of the partners, am sure she will be able to help, especially as he has now agreed he is unwell and didn't argue about needing to see someone.

So sorry, Mistletoe this sounds hellish. But he definitely needs help and you are doing the right thing.

Original poster
MistletoeBUTNOwine · 11/05/2014 21:50

She was great, practical advice of seeing own gp first thing tomorrow and hopefully being signed off sick. Should speak to someone at work but one step at a time
He is cross I've spoken to her, thinks she'll report him to gmc Confused and everyone at work will know etc etc.
I hope he will talk to her once the dust has settled.

OP posts:
Fideline987654321 · 11/05/2014 21:53

He will. It's done now, after all. No way to get the cat back in the bag anyway, so he might as well deal with it all IYSWIM.

Well done, OP. I think you handled that perfectly Flowers

pointythings · 11/05/2014 22:01

You've done the right thing. It will be hard, and it's a shame he could not take the step himself, but he needs help. He has no choice but to accept help now.

My DH is/was much less severe than yours, but it took me 2 years to get him to seek help, start medication and seriously reduce his drinking. The effect has transformed our lives. There will be bumps in the road and setbacks, his job is very very stressful, but with every day that passes he see the effects of the changes he has made. Our girls fight so much less, none of us are walking on eggshells, we laugh and have silly family jokes.

I want the same for you. Flowers

YolandiFuckinVisser · 11/05/2014 22:53

Good luck mistletoe, i hope all goes well for you and your family. You're doing a great job in v difficult circumstances.

Swisskissingisbetterthenfrench · 11/05/2014 23:32

What about trying 5-htp?

Original poster
MistletoeBUTNOwine · 12/05/2014 04:03

Thank you. This has truly been a lifeline.
Whats 5htp?

OP posts:
PeaceLillyDoge · 12/05/2014 04:48

You've done the right thing ringing the partner.

He absolutely won't lose his job. I work in health care and know a lot of doctors who have mental health problems, some of whom have been sectioned before and went on to recover very well and go back to full time practicing.

The GMC may actually be able to help. I am pretty sure they run a scheme called "drs in distress", have a look on their website.

He needs to see his own GP and be honest with them. They can do an "out of area" referral to a mental health team in a different area to where you live off he would prefer. This is common practice for health care workers who need to receive help but are concerned about being treated by ppl they know or may come across professionally.

Best of luck, it is very very hard

FeeAmarylis · 12/05/2014 06:04

As a collegue, he is not fit to practice at the moment.He won't be able to concentrate properly, he will make mistakes. He will not be able to give of himself to patients in the way that makes you good at your job. He must seek treatment- the only way he may have problems with his registration is if he doesn't. In appraisal, there is a direct question about health issues and how you deal with them. Or, of course, if he makes a mistake or an error of judgement.
NB one of our local consultants has bipolar disorder. He was admitted many times, but never under threat of dismissal.
I have also lived with a very depressed partner (not Dr, bipolar). This is absolutely way beyond your scope to deal with.
That erratic behaviour with the knife? A precursor to killing his family alongside himself.
Get help. Now! Registration? You're talking life and death here!

FeeAmarylis · 12/05/2014 06:06

And no, I am not being overly dramatic- one of our local GP ccolleagues killed himself a year ago Sad

Original poster
MistletoeBUTNOwine · 12/05/2014 07:19

I know the depression and suicide risk for doctors is high. I'm going to ring his gp at 8 when they open and get an emergency appointment.
I've shown him some links to the gmc to try and reassure him, he's just scared and says I don't know what it's like Sad
I wouldn't even care if he lost his job (that won't happen) I just want him alive and well.
Will see how it goes this morning.

OP posts:
JaceyBee · 12/05/2014 09:22

actually counsellors/psychotherapists are more than qualifed to work with suicidal people, getting a 'medical therapist' (whatever that is) through the NHS will usually mean 6-8 sessions of CBT which although fine will not normally be enough to get to the root causes of the depression.

And if he needs meds too then that's an option but I would get him into private therapy asap if I were you. Sorry you're going through this OP Thanks

Original poster
MistletoeBUTNOwine · 12/05/2014 18:36

Seen gp, citalopram 10mg and referred to someone but going to organise private counselling in the mean time. Signed off for 2 weeks. He rang work and explained, whoever it was he spoke to said they'd all noticed he wasn't well. He still feels rubbish, knows it will be a while before he feels good again bit we're on the right path. He is still worried everyone will think he's being silly/

OP posts:
JaceyBee · 12/05/2014 19:23

That's great news, you must be so relieved it's out in the open and you're not carrying it around all by yourself anymore. He's very lucky to have you Smile