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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't like who I am - how can we change?

61 replies

YesAnastasia · 10/05/2014 20:01

My DC prefer my 'D'H and I can see why. I'm angry, resentful and paranoid. This is all directed at him but it's while the children are there and it's 50% of the time.

I'm stressed all the time and even small things he does make me really mad. We argue/bicker almost constantly. He rarely gets angry so it's me who gets upset, shouty & generally horrid. To the children it looks like I'm always shouty (which I am) to daddy & he's done nothing wrong.

He's started a new job where he's away a lot and the children really miss him. When he's back, I'm the nanny, cook, maid & night nurse but no one cares about me. I miss him too & when he's not here I like him again.

I would like to not be this way. I'd like to be jokey & laid back. Not badger H over everything he does wrong (or doesn't do) and not let him get me so angry. I have started anti depressants and upped my dosage but this is still happening. What else can I do? It's breaking my heart.

OP posts:
namechangenumber5 · 10/05/2014 20:06

Maybe couple therapy, someone to help you both get some perspective? Sometimes we get stuck in emotional ruts, if he's a good guy and you love him but struggle to express that then a mediator could hello you find a better way of communicating.

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 10/05/2014 20:11

He won't go I've asked him so many times. He's very quiet and reluctant to talk about feelings to anyone - plus it's expensive eyeroll

He is a good guy but he's also the most annoying man in the world. He can be a dick a lot of the time. I need to find a way to deal with that or leave him and I'm not leaving (yet...)

OP posts:
ravenmum · 10/05/2014 20:11

Maybe treat yourself to some therapy just for you, to begin. You make it sound as if this is more deep-seated, about your feelings towards yourself in general and not just as part of a couple.

ravenmum · 10/05/2014 20:14

It is very annoying when people don't ever get angry, though, and definitely not a healthy thing on his part.

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 10/05/2014 20:15

I tried therapy (the sex kind) and I hated it. So much.

Maybe the normal kind might be OK.

My marriage is not brilliant but I can't do anything about it. Or rather I can't do anything about him, change him or make him behave a different way. So I have to change myself. I tried medication now what?

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 10/05/2014 20:16

Go and see your GP, ask to be referred to counselling, you sound really depressed actually. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I had counselling when things were bad between me and DP, he is very eye rolley about that sort of thing too, but it was useful, it helped me changed how I behaved, even in response to when he was being a dick.

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 10/05/2014 20:17

He does things on purpose ravenmum he knows they'll infuriate me & smirks. I don't have the self control at the moment to brush it off. I rise to it every time & it's making my children dislike me.

OP posts:
Original poster
YesAnastasia · 10/05/2014 20:20

LEM That IS what I want, change how I respond to triggers. Do you have any tips?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 10/05/2014 20:21

You might also think about doing something to make you feel good - doing an activity you like, maybe something energetic where you can express yourself (dancing?) or have nice experiences (walking in nature, visiting art gallery?), and maybe expand your circle of friends so that you don't feel reliant on him to enjoy yourself. Sign up to something on a day when you feel slightly better, so that you're forced to go later even if feeling down. Sign up to lots of things so that if one thing doesn't work out, you don't just give up.

ravenmum · 10/05/2014 20:23

Smirking is not good. Has he always been like this?

Psycobabble · 10/05/2014 20:25

Agree with raven mum do something for you ! I'm sure your kids adore you us mums sometimes get taken for granted

specialmagiclady · 10/05/2014 20:26

When one partner works away there is a lot of resentment. Off they go "gallivanting" and having an adult life without care (even if working 12-14 hour days) while you take on FUCKING EVERYTHING at home. Then when they come home they are like a returning hero, the kids forget you exist and they worship at the shrine of Dad.

When we were in this situation, I got a Saturday morning job. Yes, it meant that we saw each other less as a couple, but it also meant we walked in each others' shoes for a bit. He had to get the kids to sports practice, swimming lessons etc and make them lunch and generally do some of the shit of parenting. I got to swan out of the house alone for a few hours, knowing the kids and house were safe in the care of my spouse. And I got to have some responsibility outside the home.

If your DH won't argue about this, will he talk about it in any rational manner?

Is he really winding you up on purpose? In which case what a shit bag! He doesn't seem to be taking your very real concerns seriously. What do you think you can do to get him to do this?

MadBusLady · 10/05/2014 20:34

How much does he do this winding up? It's not your job to prevent yourself from responding to "triggers" he deliberately sets for you - life is exhausting enough. Normal people in healthy relationships do not do this to each other. Nobody here will give you tips on how to work around your husband treating you like shit.

PoundingTheStreets · 10/05/2014 20:39

I really would recommend counselling. Whether this is a problem with your perspective or your DH is actually purposefully manipulating you into this sort of behaviour, counselling will help you to see what's really going on and therefore give you the key to changing things.

CarrotsAndApples · 10/05/2014 21:32

Sorry you feel this way OP. I think I could be you as I feel exactly the same. I was prescribed anti-Ds last year but was too anxious to take them :-(

I've just posted over in Divorce/Separations about Relate etc- do people find it helpful? Can't imagine ever getting DH to go. I would like to change the way I respond to things. I am angry and shouty. Following this thread for suggestions.

BluebellTuesday · 10/05/2014 22:40

If you recognise he is winding you up, focus on your breathing and breathe through the panic or anxiety or defensiveness which makes you want to shout. The shouting is a fight response to a stressor, so remove yourself or concentrate on breathing to stay calm. Do not respond.

If you get that under control, it will become easier to see what the trigger is and what is going on.

Horsemad · 10/05/2014 23:09

Ultimately though, you might just have to sack him off if he's deliberately winding you up...

thegambler · 10/05/2014 23:33

Hang on, she's angry, resentful and paranoid. Stressed all the time and gets mad at the little things and he needs sacked off as he doesn't get angry ?

When he's there to look after the kids, check the weather forecast for a clear morning, walk up a hill at dusk and watch the sun come up with no-one else around. It changes me.

thegambler · 10/05/2014 23:37

Obviously I meant Dawn............not dusk!

BindibachMilly · 10/05/2014 23:43

Does he really do it on purpose OP? Or could it be your perception?
If he is doing it on purpose is it meant to be nasty or in his world is he teasing?
If he is not teasing and doing it on purpose out of nastiness to wind you up then WHY is he doing it and have you asked him.

thegambler · 10/05/2014 23:47

The WHY may be a little revenge if she is always as she says she is. Point scoring so to speak.

TBF if it wasn't for the new job/working away aspect I'd swear my wife had signed up.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 10/05/2014 23:58

It sounds like you have gone in a vicious circle, you flipping out all the time, and him then passive aggressively sighing or winding you up. You can break the cycle though all by yourself, by taking up meditation or relaxation and so on. If you can stop kicking off over everything, you will then start to see whether it was just a bad patch for you and you start getting on better, or whether his behaviour is still upsetting and perhaps you would be better off apart.

Either way, you being shouty, angry and horrid all the time will just make you feel terrible. I have been like this sometimes and it's like a hair-trigger. If I feel myself going back in that direction, I just start my relaxation exercises again (get them off the web/buy a CD). They really do help and I find it much easier to be relaxed with the children and my husband, if I just let my stress run everything, things go downhill quickly.

BindibachMilly · 11/05/2014 00:34

And why is your marriage "not brilliant". What else do you feel is wrong with it OP? So far it would seem that he is just trying not to engage in a shouting match with you which really doesn't do any good in my opinion. I think maybe you do need to work on yourself to make yourself happier then possibly the rest will follow.

MadBusLady · 11/05/2014 06:51

Think we just need more information here, OP. We're all projecting because we don't really have a sense of the dynamic.

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 11/05/2014 09:20

It got a bit rubbish last night. I made an effort after a resentful day, sat & watched Eurovision with him but it was strained.

We rowed because I asked him a question & he went on forever making assumptions & being ages so I said 'I just want an answer'. Then I said some mean things because he pisses me off and he flipped. It's rare this happens. He doesn't want to talk to me now. He even told me to 'fuck off' and he never swears (of course I do & he's soooooo much better than me) he said I was always putting him down. I think I am. But I don't want to.

It's all very confusing. He either ignores me or mumbles so I have to ask him to repeat himself all the time. He says it's my hearing or I'm not listening. I know it isn't because it's only him I can't hear. He sets me up so I'm in the wrong all the time. I'm tired of it.

Am I hideous & he's actually really nice? I honestly think he likes to be the victim so I'm constantly the horrible one. I thought I was a nice person. I've seen women like me & thought I'd never be that miserable wife in the background having no fun...

OP posts: