I don't like who I am - how can we change?

[YesAnastasia]

My DC prefer my 'D'H and I can see why. I'm angry, resentful and paranoid. This is all directed at him but it's while the children are there and it's 50% of the time.

I'm stressed all the time and even small things he does make me really mad. We argue/bicker almost constantly. He rarely gets angry so it's me who gets upset, shouty & generally horrid. To the children it looks like I'm always shouty (which I am) to daddy & he's done nothing wrong.

He's started a new job where he's away a lot and the children really miss him. When he's back, I'm the nanny, cook, maid & night nurse but no one cares about me. I miss him too & when he's not here I like him again.

I would like to not be this way. I'd like to be jokey & laid back. Not badger H over everything he does wrong (or doesn't do) and not let him get me so angry. I have started anti depressants and upped my dosage but this is still happening. What else can I do? It's breaking my heart.

thegambler So you wind your wife up on purpose? I understand the point scoring thing, he likes to be the one in the right so when I get mad, he's automatically won even if he is a dick.

What's happening with your wife? I'd like a male perspective too. I have lost all my own

I think he's gaslighting you OP.

This strikes me about your thread title. You don't like who you (singlular) are, how can you (plural) change? You can't, you can only change yourself.

If that is not possible in the marriage, and that would seem to be the case, as you seem to get on fine in every other aspect of your life, you have two options.

The first is couples counselling, with your husband also wanting to change the dynamic

You be the person you want to be in your own.

I don't say the last sentence lightly, but because I know one of the reasons I left was because I was not the person I wanted to be in my marriage, nor the mother and wife I wanted to be.

You be the person you want to be on your own is the second option I mean

You asked him a question and he was answering you . You then cut across him and more or less told him to shut up and just give me the answer. I think that was rude and I am not surprised he got offended. Men tend to be long winded sometimes in their replies if they think they are telling you something that you don't know.
I know its difficult to tell just from a thread but it seems like you are overreacting to things he does and says. Is that a possibility? You don't seem to have respect for him as a person anymore and maybe you are just unhappy with your life in general and taking it out on him because he isn't "making" you happy.

You seem to think that he is being disrespectful to you and in return you are being disrespectful to him. I would think that as you are the one seeking advice that you try and break this pattern and treat him like you would a very good friend. Full of respect and positive communication. It may take a while but he will notice that you are no longer "having a go" and he might start to react differently and respectfully to you. Your communication should then become better. But you do need to also work out why you are unhappy in yourself. It cant just be about him, can it?

I still feel I lack the detail about the actual argument (ie what question did you ask, what did he say, how many times did you have to clarify etc etc) and I can see why some people here are assuming you are the problem.

However, your third para about mumbling/ignoring and it only being him you have a problem with inclines me to agree with horsemad.

I'm not 100% sure but please google "gaslighting" before you disappear down a rabbit warren of blaming yourself. You sound very, very confused and that alone is a bit of a sign.

I'm wondering, has it ever been a positive relationship for a good stretch of time? Sometimes people are just not compatible, simple as that. Sometimes we make a mistake going into a relationship for wrong reasons.
If you are an impatient and short tempered person (or inclined to be), you wouldn't get on with someone slow/long-winded and boring (to you), or in fact someone who doesn't understand emotions at all. He should try to understand why are you resentful but doesn't want to discuss or try counselling.

From his point of view, he probably feels like he can never catch up. Possibly he's not as bright or focussed or capable, and therefore you see his point much quicker than he can express it - happens a lot between people, but a problem if it's your partner can you tell I'm talking from experience. I've learned that respect is a 'must', so if you simply can't respect someone - and it may be justified, then leave the r-ship.

Or he could be manipulative and sadistic in a quiet way. Agree that to find out, you have to stop reacting for a while and then see, does he become nicer or is he trying his usual winding-up tricks.

I asked him where something was. It's my thing but sometimes he sees it around. He said (not verbatim of course) 'The last time I saw it, it was by the couch so it might've fallen down the side and also you used it the other day & this was weeks ago so it won't be there any more. YOU DID use it, DS2 saw you and asked you about it. That was more than 2 weeks ago & you do have two' I shake my head. 'yes you do, you say you don't but they're always around...'

That's how tedious it was. That's my life.

I said 'I just want an answer, I don't even remember if you've seen it or not now.' Then I said something about the mumbling & probably something else about going on at me & he said I was putting him down. I was but at the time I thought I was just telling him about what he does that pisses me off.

That's it. I always said it was me & my reactions/responses I need to change. I can't change him. I just need to be nicer & calmer. Deal with it all better.

I'll think of some examples of how he winds me up or maybe I won't because it's all in my head...

No, I did not mean deal with it better, or be nicer and calmer, because you are the problem. I meant, in my experience, if someone is winding you up, they are doing it to get a response. You respond by getting frustrated and then they are happy.

You then think you are the irrational one, because you lose it but they never do. The question is really, if you don't react, what happens? Is everything fine (in which case, it is your manner) or do they ramp it up until they get a reaction, and then they are happy?

He may just be a frustrating person, in which case, the question must be was he always this frustrating?

Relationships take two people and, regardless of what he is or is not doing, if you are not happy, you have the right to leave.

He sounds defensive.

I do that kind of answer and DH gets huffy and asks for just a simple yes or no.

But I always feel there is an ulterior motive there (ie he thinks I've lost his thing) so I am on the defensive.

My gut feeling is that he's deliberately winding you up. He's certainly showing you no respect.

Excuse me jumping in, but what leaps out from your posts is that you are blaming yourself, saying you are awful, over- react, get angry and need to change how you behave.

But what about him? His behaviour doesn't sound great.

I might be way off beam here, but I'm wondering if he is setting you up to be in the wrong and has convinced you that everything is your fault.

Can you say a bit more about what happens when he winds you up?

God he sounds maddening, passive aggressive and petty, whether or not he's doing it on purpose. So many of the little asides in that quote you've provided seem designed to underline your failure to see/remember the thing and his superior perception powers. Why would anyone talk like that in response to a simple, unloaded question?

You've already mentioned him mumbling so you can't hear, and that he won't consider counselling. Can I ask if any of the following sound familiar?

• ignoring you if you say something/ask him a question which you need a response to, with no acknowledgement until you raise your voice in frustration - then you are accused of 'always shouting at him'?

• goads you until you snap then accusing you of being aggressive losing your temper?

• often refers to/brings up minor things you have done wrong in the past and uses them as an example to illustrate what a 'bad' person you are?

yesanastasia, My wife spends a fair bit of the time being angry, resentful and paranoid which she'll take out on me. I can take it or get some revenge somehow so when she's like that that is my defence so to speak.

People who spend so much time together will rub each other up the wrong way at some point. What needs to be asked is what he is doing a result of you or the cause ?

I think both of you sound defensive in my eyes.
He sounds more like a waffler.
You sound more like a prompt person.

(NB: I am a waffler. My ex was a waffler. My family members are prompt people. Yes/No answers.)

Neither of you need to change to be someone that you are not. When we try to change ourselves to be someone that we are not, that is when we get depressed, and start to depersonalise.

If you like, you can choose standard answers to always ask and answer him, and that's it. You need to accept that his personality is different to yours.

You: "Have you seen my pen ?"
Husband: "I remember seeing it during this time and then you were holding it in this table
You: "So that is a no then."

(Prompt him first with a declaration.)
You: "I would like a yes or no answer. Have you seen my pen ?"
Husband: "No"
You: "Thank you."

I had to learn something like this for work classified as "communication style". It truly depends on if you feel that it is worth doing or not. But I also do agree with others about you needing more "me" time as well to centre yourself more. Constantly like this can grind you down.

You: "I would like a yes or no answer. Have you seen my pen ?"
Husband: "No"
You: "Thank you."

That would be a really interesting experiment. if you do this (reasonable tone of voice, kidding around smile etc) and he STILL harps on about your shortcomings in not knowing where the pen is, or starts arguing with the premise of your question, or accusing you of always nagging/having a go, then you have your answer as to whether or not he is doing it on purpose.

You said "I would like to not be this way. I'd like to be jokey & laid back. Not badger H over everything he does wrong (or doesn't do)."
Do you like to control everything?

are you the OP's DH? What a ridiculous switcheroo of a thoroughly nice and constructive personal development goal.

Just wondered actually if the OP likes to have things done in a certain way and if he annoys her because he appears to her to be totally laid back and chilled. She wants to be like this but feels that she isn't and cant because of "him". She feels that the kids see him as the good guy and her as the one who starts arguments and shouts and she doesn't want to be this person.

So its not a "ridiculous switcheroo" at all. Just trying to look a bit deeper as to why she is so stressed out living the way she does.

I like what Maisie said above, that people have different personalities, and neither of you is really to blame. However, as the one who gets shouty and argumentative, the onus is probably on you to change. From your example above I can't see where the DH has done anything wrong apart from answer your question in a logical manner (to him)

I'm feeling all of this. He's away now and (apart from a few stressful things today) I feel calmer.

I really don't want to leave him. He's a bit Jekyl & Hyde (it's the new job stress) so he'll be receptive to me when he gets back. I'm going to book us a counselling session and a babysitter, if he won't go, I'll go on my own but if I really push the issue (and pay) I think he might.

I will start saying 'yes or no answer please' with a smile when I need one.

I think that's a start. I'm so glad of this time alone to think straight.

Even saying "yes or no answer please" sounds a tad stroppy. The phrase "cut to the chase" gets used quite a bit in our house.