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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

friend's ds made a pass at me.

63 replies

Peechykeen · 10/05/2014 10:29

Hi, I have lurked here for a while but never posted and I would love to hear the opinions of some of the wise MNers.

Background: I am a single mum of 2 Dcs aged 5 and 2. I'm 35. My friend who I have known since school is also a single mum, she's 36 and has one ds aged 19.

Last night my dcs were at their dad's so I went over to my friend's for a few drinks. Her ds was out with his friends at one of the pubs down the road from her house. About 9pm we decided to get a takeaway, there is a Chinese about a 10 minute walk away from my friend's so she offered to walk down and get one.

While she was out, her ds came back from the pub, he was a bit drunk but not completely plastered. We got chatting, he is doing a college course and I asked how he was getting on etc. He then started asking me about my love life (!) which I found a bit strange, he asked if I had a boyfriend and I said no. He laughed and then said he was surprised as all his friends would love to date a "fit milf". I just laughed a bit, felt quite uncomfortable though. He was sat on the sofa opposite and then moved over to my sofa and tried to kiss me! I pushed him off and said I was not interested but he was quite persistent, luckily my friend then came back and he went upstairs to his room. The whole thing made me feel very uncomfortable and I left quite soon after. He has never done anything of this sort before and never given any inclination that he fancied me. I am not at all interested in him and don't know if I want to be alone with him now.

What should I do? Should I tell my friend? Or just brush it off as a drunk mistake?

OP posts:

Lweji · 14/05/2014 14:32

Who is still going on about what?
It was the first post by flat.

IWillIfHeWill · 14/05/2014 17:04

Thing about you, anyfucker, is that you don't realise that this is an open forum and people can comment.

My comment about this situation is 'Are you still going on about this?' because its a complete non-event.

You, on the other hand, are of no interest to me at all, so this is the last response you will get from me.

Lweji · 14/05/2014 17:16

Why is this a non event???

NorthEasterlyGale · 14/05/2014 17:25

Agree that you'd be best to approach this directly, either with him or your friend, but if you don't have the opportunity to speak to him alone and your friend is always present, maybe start a generic conversation around inappropriate behaviour? No idea if it would work, and it might be a daft idea, but you could use an opening along the lines of 'I overheard this conversation / read this article about' etc in a chatty way and then set out the scenario and why it was inappropriate etc. Hopefully, your friend would agree and her DS will get the point.

AnyFucker · 14/05/2014 17:27

Oh dear, looks like we have crossed paths before.

SelectAUserName · 15/05/2014 08:52

I think it's for the OP to decide whether or not it's a non-event, and clearly for her it is very much an event.

There is an irony, nay a certain hypocrisy, in pointing out to one poster that it's an open forum and anyone can comment while insinuating that the OP should shut up and stop posting about it...

Lweji · 15/05/2014 12:21

Maisie0 · 15/05/2014 12:57

Or use what my mother used before. She will illustrate an example of "things that happened in life". Or you can start to talk about specific newspaper articles and incidences to make the boy LEARN. Basically this is dropping hints, and it is to warn him off as well. In a more appropriate way. Because he is 19, I would not talk to him one to one like an adult, cos he may not even understand the law or all the rest of adulthood, and its intricacies. If he did, I doubt that he would be SO self entitled and so forthright.

If something nags at you in your heart, then you must do something to represent that and get rid of the feelings though. Cos it will stay with you.

ScooseIsLoose · 15/05/2014 13:20

and yet you felt the need to post IWill
Op I would speak to the son about it, he is an adult, and make it clear to him this won't be tolerated again next time his mother will be informed.

SelectAUserName · 15/05/2014 13:22

Maisie, the thing is he IS an adult, and if he tried it on again and went further than a persistent attempt next time, or the next person had less understanding and mindfulness of his mum than the OP, he will find the weight of the law descending on him and he would - if it got that far - be tried as an adult, in an adult court of law. So if he is the kind of person given to pushing himself at women further and harder than they feel comfortable with, he'd better fucking well hurry up and understand the consequences PDQ.

There is nothing "intricate" about learning that "no means no", "make certain the person you're with is consenting" and "if in doubt, stop".

Maisie0 · 15/05/2014 13:35

Select But you forget that he is NOT her child. So she should not be there to "parent" him. When I was a certain age, my mother did not embarrass me further but gave me respect and showed me what is inappropiate by commenting on newspaper stories and things like that. If he cannot even read between the stupid line, then he has a screw lose. Why should he feel this entitled in a "trial and error" way ? He should have stopped or politely asked to begin with. He does not even get this. He already disrespected someone else thinking of this delusional grandeur in him. She should not be the one to actually parent him.

I find that, the reason why there is an awful lot of things wrong is because these so called children did not learn. Plus, if you learn, you should learn with your peers, and not your mother's friend. How naive can he be ? Where does he not even get that "she is my elder, and I should respect her" ?

I cannot even believe the foul things that he is saying to her too. Even though she is brushing this off. I would definitely guilt trip him to death. Sorry but... if you do not have any humility, you are not going to learn anyway as you get older. He ought to know it is embarrassing what he did to begin with.

Maisie0 · 15/05/2014 13:38

Anyway, there is no point for us to argue here, but I do think that our goal is the same. To make him stop and to think.

We do not know and cannot predict which method will give the OP the results. Cos we do not know how he is as a person and so forth. So...

I hope that the OP stays safe as well.

SelectAUserName · 15/05/2014 13:50

I think we're actually saying much the same thing, but clearly either his parents haven't taught him this important lesson OR he feels so entitled that he thinks he can force himself on another woman anyway. Either way, he has reached adulthood without the message that what he did to the OP is inappropriate sinking in, so in the absence of any "between the lines" parenting, someone needs to make him aware. If the OP can do that while preserving her personal safety (which is why I suggested doing so through private message on Facebook - no one else would see it, so no "embarrassment" for him involved, but she remains at a remove) then so much the better.

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