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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

friend's ds made a pass at me.

63 replies

Peechykeen · 10/05/2014 10:29

Hi, I have lurked here for a while but never posted and I would love to hear the opinions of some of the wise MNers.

Background: I am a single mum of 2 Dcs aged 5 and 2. I'm 35. My friend who I have known since school is also a single mum, she's 36 and has one ds aged 19.

Last night my dcs were at their dad's so I went over to my friend's for a few drinks. Her ds was out with his friends at one of the pubs down the road from her house. About 9pm we decided to get a takeaway, there is a Chinese about a 10 minute walk away from my friend's so she offered to walk down and get one.

While she was out, her ds came back from the pub, he was a bit drunk but not completely plastered. We got chatting, he is doing a college course and I asked how he was getting on etc. He then started asking me about my love life (!) which I found a bit strange, he asked if I had a boyfriend and I said no. He laughed and then said he was surprised as all his friends would love to date a "fit milf". I just laughed a bit, felt quite uncomfortable though. He was sat on the sofa opposite and then moved over to my sofa and tried to kiss me! I pushed him off and said I was not interested but he was quite persistent, luckily my friend then came back and he went upstairs to his room. The whole thing made me feel very uncomfortable and I left quite soon after. He has never done anything of this sort before and never given any inclination that he fancied me. I am not at all interested in him and don't know if I want to be alone with him now.

What should I do? Should I tell my friend? Or just brush it off as a drunk mistake?

OP posts:
MrsWolowitz · 11/05/2014 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rebecca2014 · 11/05/2014 08:33

Does anyone else find milf offensive? I mean do women who date men with large age gaps call men filf? I never heard that term but for an older woman it is always used in the media etc...just noticing daily sexism more and more now as I get older.

Op in your situation I properly would tell the friend, you have known her for many years and I am sure she would want to know.

toyoungtodie · 13/05/2014 00:01

Mrswolowitz, where in my post did I say that I had more life experience than bitter?

AnyFucker · 13/05/2014 00:06

toyoungtodie the clue was in your sanctimonious attempts at point scoring with all these different relationships you have had, and of course done them better than anyone else

AnyFucker · 13/05/2014 00:07

I find MILF highly offensive and would in no way find a pissed up teenager trying to get into my pants "flattering"

Any woman who does, or implies someone else should, needs to get a fucking grip

yes, that is swearing

AnyFucker · 13/05/2014 00:08

OP, you handled it well at the time. Completely up to you whether you do anything at all about it now.

bragmatic · 13/05/2014 03:20

I hate MILF as well. I think I might tell him when he was sober that he was out of order, no means no and I wasn't impressed, and if he tried it again I'd tell his mother.

BOFster · 13/05/2014 03:30

Ugh, what a horrible experience. You could perhaps turn it around though by submitting your story to a magazine?

SelectAUserName · 13/05/2014 03:52

Sounds to me like he's been spending too long in porn world, where "fit milfs" (urgh!) are presumably constantly gagging for a bit of 19yo cock.

I'd leave your friend out of it. I'd speak to the DS when he's sober and make it clear that you weren't flattered, his attention was unwelcome and if he doesn't learn PDQ that "no" means "no", he's likely to find himself on the wrong end of a sexual assault charge.

SanityClause · 13/05/2014 22:56

It's not just that "no" means "no".

In fact, only "yes" means "yes".

SolidGoldBrass · 13/05/2014 23:32

I would definitely second having a word with him, not your friend. He needs to have it very firmly pointed out to him that persisting when a woman has said No is sexual assault and that he needs to sort his attitude out if he doesn't want to find himself up on rape charges. Ask him what he thinks his mum would say if her son was a rapist.

Maisie0 · 13/05/2014 23:39

I would tell your friend. Then also ask if your friend has mentioned "why" it was inappropiate. Because he is putting himself in danger here. I would also then tell your friend that if you guys do meet up, then he won't be present. At least make him feel guilty and now he will be avoided. He needs to know this kind of thing, and at 19, he should be reading all the laws on sex and the legal standings and abortions and things like that. How to treat girls properly, and if he can have an open channel of communication with his parents etc.

He is being an absolute idiot. When I was 16, we were already reading sex ed books on the laws on this already. There is also a website called www.talktofrank.com/, which existed in my days, and even guys I met know of this. Or that they know of the GUM clinics etc.

Lweji · 14/05/2014 05:59

Well, ask him what he would think if his mum had had a similar encounter with a friend of his.

Original poster
Peechykeen · 14/05/2014 09:29

Hi all, I haven't seen either him or my friend since then, what with work and my dcs. They are at their dad's tomorrow night so I may see if I can pop round to hers.

I have no idea how to go about this. I don't know how I am going to see him alone to talk to him, and the idea makes me a bit uncomfortable. I would like to try and keep my friend out of it if possible, I don't want this to affect our friendship. However I do think her ds behaved very disrespectfully, if it had happened say out in a pub I wouldn't have mentioned it to my friend but the fact that it was done under her roof has annoyed me.

I hate "milf". I don't think he fancies me really, I think it was probably just some silly thing he had in his head about shagging a "milf". He has always seemed a nice enough lad before. However he really needs to know how uncomfortable he made me and that he should not have treated me like that.

:(

OP posts:
Igraine · 14/05/2014 10:03

Sorry, but what on earth is a MILF????

StraddlingTheFence · 14/05/2014 10:19

Oh dear, what a horribly awkward situation to be in. I'd say that...

One adult chatting another adult up = fine
One adult making a clumsy drunken pass at another adult = not fine, but not terrible either
One adult making a clumsy drunken pass at another adult in a house with no one else present and then not immediately taking no for an answer = very inappropriate and more than a bit threatening regardless of whether his intentions were good)

As others have said, it's not really his Mum's problem any more than it would be if his Mum was a house mate. He's an adult. If you have his mobile number, I would send him a message telling him that his behaviour was very inappropriate and then spell out why it was not a suitable seduction technique. If you don't have his mobile number, I'd send a note.

Personally, I would only make a point of telling my friend if I was likely to be alone in the house with him again and thought he might try a second time. He's an adult and there is really not much she can do about it. Be aware that she might hear of it anyway though.

Sorry you're in this situation.

SelectAUserName · 14/05/2014 10:27

If you don't want to see him alone (understandable), are you and he both on Facebook? You don't have to be friends with someone in order to be able to send them a private message, so as long as you were certain you had the right 'Mr Friend's Son' you could send him a sternly-worded message setting out just how inappropriate and dangerous his behaviour was. That method also has the benefit of allowing you to 'block' him if he were stupid enough to try to contact you for any reason other than sending an apology.

Lweji · 14/05/2014 10:31

MILF - mother I'd like to fuck

flatbellyfella · 14/05/2014 10:59

This young man needs to be stopped right now, before he does it to someone else, who may have to get the police involved, if he does not understand the word NO.

IWillIfHeWill · 14/05/2014 11:12

Are you still going on about this?

AnyFucker · 14/05/2014 11:38

what if she is ?

Maisie0 · 14/05/2014 11:45

Because you know your friend, then you need to be respectful to her and tell her really before anything escalates. If she is decent and on the ball, then she would indeed feel embarrassed about it.

The thing is, you need to protect yourself as well. If I was in your situation, I would not try to be in your friend's house but either invite her over, or that you guys choose a more public place. Because it was under their house, and maybe this is why the boy chose to be feeling so "self entitled" and actually make a hit on you under his own roof.

If you challenge the boy adult to adult, you do not know whether he will respond in an adult manner, and whether then this will make your friend more angry because it may seem like you are fighting her son.

It is really awkward and I would find it intimidating.

Original poster
Peechykeen · 14/05/2014 12:29

IWill well yes, I was responding to other posters and I am upset that I now will be feeling awkward in the house of a friend I have known for over 20 years. I am sorry if I am boring you.

OP posts:
IWillIfHeWill · 14/05/2014 12:36

what if she is?
where did anyone ask you?

AnyFucker · 14/05/2014 12:40

where did anyone say how long a poster can "go on" about something ?

you are rude

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