Overbearing In-Laws... Or Overprotective Father?

[FiniteJames]

Hi All,

To start, I'm new here but it seems really great, I look forward to spending some time on here. On to the matter at hand...

So a little bit of back story to explain the situation: Since I met my partner I've changed my surname, for various reasons but primarily because it shouldn't have been my surname anyway (father's step-dad's) and I don't like the person it came from or the name.
My new name is essentially plucked from my imagination as I don't know what my real grandfather's name is, but as far as I'm concerned it's my new surname, I love it and it means a lot to me. Seems reasonable to me.

Now the problem: Yesterday my partner received a phone call from her Dad during which they discussed various things including what my soon to be born baby girls surname will be (we aren't married). My partner and I had already roughly agreed she would have my surname as my partner will also take it as we plan to get married. Her father however doesn't like the fact that my new surname 'doesn't mean anything' and thinks my daughter should have his surname (also my partners suname) as it means something. I should mention that I get on very well with her family, we frequently spend time together etc.

So please tell me if I'm overreacting, but I find this quite offensive. My new name DOES mean something to me and to MY family (i.e. my partner, child and I). This is compounding by the fact that my partner's parents still treat her like a child at times, mostly only trying to help, but I'm trying to build an independant life for us and sometimes it feels like they do more damage than good. My partner is now questioning which surname our daughter should have, and even suggesting that I take her name if/when we marry.

I guess what I'm asking is; is it unreasonable for me to be pretty angry about this?

Thanks in advance,
James

Aside from the fact that the FiL shouldn’t and usually doesn’t get a say in the surname so ignore him.

When you picked your new name did you discuss any options with your partner or choose something that was ‘meaningful’ to both of you? I’d hope she had some say in it if the understanding was that it would become her name in the future, if not i think you should go back to the drawing board and do this.

But for what its worth, why didn’t you consider changing to her surname if you are planning on getting married in the future? Rather than a random one you plucked out of the air and i can kind of see her point there Ok its not the ‘norm’ but i know someone who did that and while they do get a few “that’s unusual” comments people soon get over it

Ultimately its something you need to discuss with your partner, if she is now feelling that she would like to carry on her name (regardless of who put the idea into her head) then you need to respect that. I’d suggest double barreling or one name as a middle name.

Did you consider taking your DP's surname when you changed yours? If not why not? Why would there be an automatic assumption that your DP would take your name?

I think it is perfectly natural to consider your options when deciding of either the surname of a DC (particularly in an unmarried situation or a situation where marriage has not resulted in a change of name) and indeed on marriage. I can understand your POV but not currently why you are angry.

Could the surnames be double-barrelled? (I know some surnames don't 'sound' good together).

I am not suggesting that the partner's father is correct in his demand, just offering a possible compromise. You could keep your meaningful new surname and partner can double-barrel when she marries you. You could also double-barrel then if you want to.

You know that surnames are important because you got rid of one that you had no connection with and negative memories.

Alternatively, can you sit down with your partner's father and explain to him why your new family name is so important to you.

Hi hotair, thanks for the reply.

I did include my DP in the decision to change my surname, and we agreed on it together as she liked it too (important as she was planning on taking it) and understood exactly why I was doing it. I'm not old fasioned with things like this, we already considered me taking her name when I changed mine, but neither of us are keen on the sound of it (not the most important thing, but still relevant). I don't mind if she questions it, but it's her father that's questioning it and seems to be trying to sway her opinion/decision and I don't think he has any right to unless she asks.

I think I'm angry as I feel like I'm almost being segregated. Our life is already very intermingled with her family (far more than my own due to distance), which is great. But I see the three of us as our immediate family (the way you see your brothers and sisters growing up) and I feel as though my partner and daughter will just be 'absorbed' back into her family and I'll be left on the outside, alone.

I feel the need to mention that my partner and I have a fantastic, very happy, healthy relationship, and we genuinely see ourselves being together for the rest of our lives. We haven't argued at all over this issue, just discussed it, I like to think I'm a very reasonable person. Which is why I'm trying to figure out if I'm in the wrong or not.

Thanks

Did you consider taking your DP's surname when you changed yours? If not why not? Why would there be an automatic assumption that your DP would take your name?

This got me thinking.

I'm a bit about your anger. Especially given that you felt your own birth surname had been placed upon you in an arbitrary manner. It sounds almost like you want to 'mark' your new family as 100% yours with this name thing.

DP's dad wants her child to have her name. This seems expected in terms of what he'd want (rudeness or attitude aside) for the child of his unmarried child: they take her name. She is the mother and you are not married to her: you're acting as if your new name, because you like it, 'should' be given to her child. This is very presumptuous an not really the norm. Some unmarried couples double-barrel their kids' names, but taking the dad's name isn't universal. Indeed the main reason many kids have their dad's name is that mum has that surname too. Hence, now mum's don't always have the same name, double-barreling or mum's name is frequent.

Personally if I - or I think many women - were in this situation, we wouldn't just accept our DP's new name for our child before marriage/name change (and indeed getting married DOES NOT MEAN YOU AUTOMATICALLY CHANGE NAME ANYMORE so is a moot point). It comes across a little Victorian self-made-dad-owns-family (even with your little (i.e. my partner, child and I) afterthought).

In terms of overbearing and casually assuming compliance, based purely on your post, I sense a bit of that attitude from you as well as her dad I'm afraid

Thanks to all of you for your replies, I only saw them after replying already.

I want to mention that nothing has been assumed on my part, and everything has been discussed whith my partner, and we were happy with everything. I guess that's partly while I'm feeling a little angry and it's only her fathers random interference that's brought any of this up again.

Also, when I say the name was 'plucked from my imagination' I don't mean made up. It's a common surname, it's just has no geneological relation to me (that I know of).

What are you angry about? Is it the name or is it your FiL interfering? I can understand being upset that your FiL-to-be was rude about your name. It is also annoying to feel that big decisions in your relationship are being influenced from outside, especially if you think your PiL are overbearing. Does your partner agree with you about how they treat her?

However, that issue is separate from the issue of your surnames. I agree with previous posters that there is no reason why your partner should be expected to take your name, or that your child should only have your surname. You need to decide together how best to arrive at a decision you are both happy with. Try to separate that decision out from how you feel about your FiL's interference.

Ah - well that is a lot more information.

If you chose your new family name together then I suggest that you encourage your partner to join you in the discussion with her DF.

You have been forced to re-visit an issue that you thought had already been resolved. However, in your OP you actually said, "My partner and I had already roughly agreed she would have my surname..." Now 'roughly agreeing' is not agreeing is it? The matter had not been resolved.

Do you think that your partner may have said something to her father about having second thoughts about your new family name?

Try not to be angry - do try to resolve the matter with your partner and then tell your partner's father (together) what your joint decision is.

In that case i think you need to talk to your partner and remind her that you both chose this name, it wasn’t really a new name for you, it was a new name for your new (the three of you) family. Which incidentally i would like to do (well amalgamate our names) but don’t think my bf will be keen on so I’ll be db-ing.

Then if your partner is still happy with the plan then next time you see your FiL as a couple you let him know that you’re new family name is and you are both happy with it. then propose to show you mean what you say. If marriage is what you both want why wait?

100% you need to follow the decision you have made with yourself and your partner.

Reading between the lines ( correct me if Im mistaken) you have a certain amount of standing your own ground with your partner's family. They may not entirely accept that you and your partner and child are an independent family unit who can be on very warm terms with them but are still your OWN unit.

Mainly becuase you are both happy with your surname, and a little bit because you three need to stand your independent ground, keep the surname you have deliberately and consciously chosen. It's more meaningful than some random name that you havent chosen!

don't be angry though. Just stand your ground calmly. You're in a very strong position because you chose your name and because your partner supports you. They need to gently back off a bit.

you have a certain amount of standing your own ground with your partner's family to do generally (oops)

Is it possible that your partner wasn't actually as keen on the idea as you think, or that she's becoming less keen on it all by herself as she gets closer to the birth and the baby with the hypothetical name begins to feel more real to her, or that she's taken time out to think about the practicalities of giving her baby a name that she doesn't (yet) share?

It's interesting that "even suggesting that I take her name if/when we marry" seems such a ridiculously outrageous suggestion to you. After all, the reverse situation is exactly what you expect her to do. She's allowed to have second thoughts about it.

Meerka, you have succinctly put across exactly what the issue is, that wad the reassurance I was looking for. Thank you :-)
This will also help me clearly explain things to my partner so that we can make a clear decision.
Thanks to everyone who has contributed.

On another note regarding marriage. We are not engaged, I would like to propose tonight and be married tomorrow and when we've (half jokingly) talked about it my partner said she'd like to too (ie small affair, no real ceremony, bit like a Vegas jobby)
But I feel that I need to make a grand gesture, ring etc which I'm financially unable to do right now.

Should I just go for it with what I have or wait?

If you are both no-fuss people then a grand gesture really isn't required.

To be honest, it is quite common practise that babies of unmarried women take their mothers name. Its not as if her Dad is just pulling that notion out of the air.

Whilst you plan on being together forever, you are not even engaged and relationships go tits up all the time. In which case she would have custody, and it would make sense for the child to have her name.

I have read here several posts where women gave their children their partners name in the full expectation that the relationship would last forever - but it didn't and the children were saddled with the name of a rarely-seen man who had a new family now.

I am perplexed as to why you think everyone should have your name? Her name may not be as pleasing to the ear, but it has an enormous family history and must be of huge sentimental value to her father. Your name is one plucked from the air. It may mean a lot, but I don't see what makes it so much more special than hers, tbh.

Oh just go for it! (proposal)

You don't need a ring for an engagement, you don't need a big fussy wedding! (But don't keep the in-laws away from the wedding otherwise you will be in BIG TROUBLE! LoL)

Agree your family surname in a calm, adult conversation ...... and then ask your partner if she would do you the honour of becoming Mrs [insert agreed family name]

This may be the reassurance your partner needs before she gives birth to your daughter.

I received my proposal without a ring - and it didn't detract one iota from the event. We arranged the wedding on a shoestring in 7 weeks (£315 total in 1981) and it was the best day of my life. The rings sort of caught up with me - 2nd hand wedding ring on the wedding day, engagement ring a year after, a beautiful self-designed eternity ring on my 10th anniversary.

I have been widowed nearly 13 years and I still wear them in honour of a man who made my life so happy for 25 years. But I still recall how my heart skipped a beat when he actually proposed - without a ring!

P.S. I also wear DH's wedding ring on a chain round my neck.

what a lovely story sadwidow

finitewidow I would say that if you are sure your partner is happy with a small, quiet, impishly naughty wedding (running away from all the fuss!) go for it! Its what YOU both want. To my mind, the money is not relevant. The only proviso is that be sure that your partner isnt secretly hankering a desire for something bigger. If you're sure she isnt, go for it!

Mind you as a PP said, for the sake of tact and diplomacy it might be wise to invite the inlaws

(fwiw) we went for a very quiet wedding on a shoestring, and it was downright lovely to the point that other people said they hoped theirs was like that. No fuss, we invited exactly whom we wanted and since it was midweek and not everyone could come, we had a series of wedding visits over the following months. We deliberately wanted a laid back wedding and resisted the pressure to make it big. it was great.

Meerka, we were married in December 1981 when the registrars were on strike! It was a no-marrying-on-Saturday time, even though we would have married on the next Saturday possible after the bans.

We had to have a Monday wedding so had to find a week day when we could both get time off together (well, we wanted to marry each other!)

You couldn't make it up could you? But we did it because it felt so right - and it was.

Waiting for OP to say he has proposed and Mrs [insert family name] has accepted.

I don't think your FIL has any business interfering with the joint choices you and your dp make wrt names. I definitely wouldn't be discussing any forenames with him.

Propose if it's what you want. A cheap wedding can be great and memorable and a small intimate wedding can be wonderful.

To be honest i'd tell any woman to name her child after her until she was married to the father.

When a child's parents marry, both the child and it's mother can change their names.

Google it.

It's a fairer way. I don't think the father should get the honour of a child named after him automatically.

.. and this is no business of any inlaw. Smile and nod, but ignore and decide between yourselves.