Just found out h has been having an affair - some advice needed please

[NotTheUsualMe]

Hi, I'm a fairly regular MNer, but have NCed for this, as some of my friends in RL know my regular username. Some background first. Have been married for 17 years, together for 20. Have one son aged 13. Live in our house which we own (but have a mortgage on). Over the last few years our marriage has deteriorated and we haven't been getting on at all well. Not to the point of violence or anything like that, and both of us love and care for our ds. H works full time, I have been a SAHM since ds was born (my work involved shifts and it would have been v difficult to find childcare to cover them, which is why I didn't go back after ds was born). I do work several hours a week in a voluntary capacity, but have no income of my own other than the child benefit.

I have now discovered that h has been having an affair, for at least a few months, possibly as long as a year. I think tbh this is the last nail in the coffin of our marriage. Things were bad anyway, and I am not interested in trying to salvage the marriage now that this has happened.

H does not yet know that I have discovered the affair. Before I confront him, I'm trying to work out what I would like to happen next. I have no idea in legal terms what I am entitled to, nor what is reasonable in such a situation. Obviously I will try to find a job, but having been out of work for 14 years this won't be easy.

Can anyone help please?

You need to get your ducks in a row. Get some legal and financial advice ASAP. Do you have access to all the financial info?

I'm sorry you're in this situation. What I'd suggest is that, when you confront him, you ask him to step out of the family home to give you chance to decide what to next and gather your thoughts. After he's gone you then take as much time as you need and get as much moral, practical and other support and information as you feel necessary to make a decision. You might want to confide in a friend or family member, for example. You'd almost certainly benefit from talking to a solicitor - some offer a free initial consultation - about things like shared parenting, the division (or retention) of marital assets and ongoing maintenance for yourself and your DS. Mostly, however, you'll need a bit of breathing space because even though the marriage has deteriorated it's quite a stressful journey.

Good luck

Do you mean see a solicitor? Should I do that before I speak to h, or is that something we should do together?

The usual practical advise is to get your free half hour with a solicitor.

Do you have joint accounts or separate? Access to all of the financial information? Squirrel some money away. Is the house and mortgage in both names?

Huge food shop from the joint account the day before you confront him - enough food to keep you going for as long as possible.

Tell him you know and then ask him to leave.

If you're determined the marriage is over and you absolutely don't want to try and work through this, then strike while the iron is hot in terms of starting the divorce process and agreeing a settlement, while he's (hopefully) feeling guilty and therefore more amenable.

The house and mortgage is in both names (we both paid into the deposit and were both working and earning money when we first bought the house).

We have a joint account which his salary goes into. I also still have my own account, but only the child benefit (plus any other sundries like any money I make from eBay which is very sporadic) goes into that.

I also have some money which I inherited recently which is in my own saving account.

You need your own solicitors if you're divorcing. The same one can't represent both of you.

Would there be a difference if we were just separating rather than actually divorcing? Sorry to be thick, but I'm not sure what would happen. Would there be benefits to divorcing rather than separating? (Other than being able to marry again, and I'm in no hurry to do that I can tell you!)

Informal separation relies rather more on everyone displaying reasonable, trustworthy behaviour, goodwill and promises being kept than divorce which is a formal/legal separation that divides you as a legal entity and can be enforced if someone tries to go back on the deal.

When I separated, for example, we managed to agree the division of assets etc amicably between us years in advance of the divorce being finalised. It was based on legal advice and luckily (and it was down to luck) no-one went back on the agreement. So when the divorce eventually happened it was relatively inexpensive and quick.

It's something else you could ask a solicitor.

If it were me I would wait to say anything until I'd done a little preparation. You sound fairly dispassionate about it all, which to me suggests you emotionally detached some time ago and are quite capable of 'carrying on as normal' for an extra week or two while you get things in order.

Hopefully your H is an otherwise decent person (affair notwithstanding) and will want to do right by you and DS, but you'd be well advised to prepare yourself for him being a complete shit even if you don't behave in a way that shows you expect it. If he plays fair, great; if not, you're prepared.

As a SAHM you will be entitled to some of his pension and as primary caregiver you will have a good claim to stay in the marital home. There are various legal charities online who will be able to give you a broad idea of your situation for free, but you'd need to see a solicitor to get advice more tailored to your individual situation. Again, many will give the initial consultation for free, and if you go prepared with details of your marital assets, liabilities and income, you'll get better information in return.

Mediation would be free for most SAHMs without an income as this still qualifies for legal aid but that would depend on the size of your inheritance.

Sorry you're having to go through this.

Thanks for your advice. I think I will need to see a solicitor then. I am hoping that h will be reasonable (and I think as far as providing for ds he will be, not so sure when it comes to me).

I am still finding it pretty difficult to come to terms with tbh, as although we weren't getting on at all well, it feels like a massive kick in the teeth, and I think it's just the level of deception that has shocked me. H hasn't always been a very nice person (although never physically violent), and has often been fairly selfish, but I never expected this.

NottheUsualMe I've PMd you with some info re a number to ring for free legal advice.

Just remember that providing for you is a part of the deal he made when he decided that it was a good idea for you to stay at home to raise DS while he could pursue his career unencumbered by worries about childcare.

Do you have family and friends you can lean on when you confront him and start the ball rolling?

Thanks Alice!

Pounding, I have friends (including a lovely bunch of people I have met on MN) and family who don't live near, but I'm in phone contact with them. I haven't told them all yet, but hopefully they will be supportive.

Sorry to hear this, OP. You should find this blog useful. Good luck x

Sorry to hear this. Definitely get legal advice and get your ducks in a row. For example, it is possible sometimes to ring fence inheritance before splitting assets. Certainly not always though.

Do not rely on him being decent. He is not a decent man.
He may not be difficult in the divorce, or lie... but he has proved himself a liar so always start from an assumption that he will not be decent. No need to be accusing him of that, just bear it in mind. Check everything with your solicitor. Get everything in writing, and formal.

Good luck! I know it's an awful thing to discover, but I rather suspect that in 6 months time you'll be wishing you'd ended it earlier! You do sound detached from it... there is better to come for you.

Whether you separate or divorce, your H is going to try to arrange things to suit him best as possible. While there is a chance he will be guilt-ridden and offer you everything, extensive reading of Mumsnet suggests this is a perishingly rare outcome. As a SAHM who is married you have rights over the family income but there is a very high chance he sees it all as his money. Lots of separations start out with good intentions about being amicable but very few stay that way. As you already say your H can be selfish, I'd expect him to be selfish in the divorce as well.

So no way can you see a solicitor together, they cannot represent both your interests. I'd also strongly recommend you don't confront him until you are fully informed about your rights and entitlements as he will try to pull the wool over your eyes.

If you want to be mean, once you have a had a free half hour, that solicitor can't represent your husband even if you don't employ them. So going to a few round town helps you compare and makes it difficult for your H to have his first choice.

if you can bear it, do not confront him yet but make sure you have your things sorted out

• copies of accounts
• copies of bank statements (his income, your savings etc.)
• some cash/money in an account he cannot access
• a plan (where would you go, could you stay in the house etc.)
• a chat with a solicitor

do your homework first, is my advice.

Thanks - one of the problems with this is that he deals with most of the finances online these days (we don't get paper statements for much, and what we do get are probably buried somewhere in the disorganised shit-heap that is his study. I don't have the passwords for the joint bank ac etc either, as he deals with it all. Obviously I know what's in my own account.

I do have a rough idea of what we have, but if I suddenly ask him for payslips, account passwords etc, he may get suspicious.

Btw, I don't think the reason he has done all this is because he was being devious - he just "takes over" things without involving me, because he is shit at communicating (one of the reasons our marriage was in such a bad way). It's been like this for years, and I don't think the affair has been going on that long. I have asked in the past for him to give me a list of where all our info is for financial stuff/bill etc (in case I ever had to deal with it in the event of his death) but he always says he'll deal with it, then never does.

But I'll see what I can fish out.

Sorry, don't know much except from personal experience years ago. Don't go for legal separation, its pants and costs extra money. Go straight for divorce and get the job done with.

Do I need to have evidence of his affair (in case he denies it)?

Yes I would try very hard to get emails, texts, screenshots or forwarded copies if you can.

The finance stuff doesn't sound good. Can you go into the bank with ID and get passwords for the joint acc? He'll know about this, so do it once you've snooped as hard as you can and are ready to let him know the score.

An update. I have been to a solicitor this morning and made an appointment for Thurs to see someone. It will be a 45 min fixed fee appointment, but should give me enough info to know how to proceed. I think I will then speak to h on Friday night. In the meantime I will try to get a photo of the incriminating texts (yes I admit I looked at his texts, but only after a number of other suspicious things had been happening - I have never ever looked at his texts/emails before).

Wrt to the finances, I do have some info as we recently had a financial advisor round to advise us on what to do with various bits of money, so I'm not totally in the dark. Our financial stuff isn't ridiculously complicated, but I may not know exact figures for some things.

I think speaking to him on Friday might be to soon. Getting your ducks in a row entails figuring out how will you support yourself if your husband decides to play hard-ball and you have no money coming in for months and months? How much time and money are you going to need to retrain and get yourself back on the job-market? If the house you live in has to be sold and the equity shared what will that buy you and where? Long-term-type stuff.

I'll see what the solicitor says on Thurs then. I think if we had to sell the house, then with half the equity from that plus money from my inheritance I could afford somewhere in the area that would be ok for me and ds (the house we are in now is quite large). But I would need to look at job options yes, as I have been out of the workforce for 13 years and am in my early 50s.