Just found out h has been having an affair - some advice needed please

[NotTheUsualMe]

Hi, I'm a fairly regular MNer, but have NCed for this, as some of my friends in RL know my regular username. Some background first. Have been married for 17 years, together for 20. Have one son aged 13. Live in our house which we own (but have a mortgage on). Over the last few years our marriage has deteriorated and we haven't been getting on at all well. Not to the point of violence or anything like that, and both of us love and care for our ds. H works full time, I have been a SAHM since ds was born (my work involved shifts and it would have been v difficult to find childcare to cover them, which is why I didn't go back after ds was born). I do work several hours a week in a voluntary capacity, but have no income of my own other than the child benefit.

I have now discovered that h has been having an affair, for at least a few months, possibly as long as a year. I think tbh this is the last nail in the coffin of our marriage. Things were bad anyway, and I am not interested in trying to salvage the marriage now that this has happened.

H does not yet know that I have discovered the affair. Before I confront him, I'm trying to work out what I would like to happen next. I have no idea in legal terms what I am entitled to, nor what is reasonable in such a situation. Obviously I will try to find a job, but having been out of work for 14 years this won't be easy.

Can anyone help please?

I have friends who have been through similar - one not working got 60 per cent of house and pension and child care costs via csa until their child left Education - one working 60 percent of the house but no pension as she was working (but then found her child had a condition and had to stop working to deal with other stuff) and not a lot of child costs because she earned more...he was in and out of odd jobs and mostly at home. So look at the solicitors reviews and reccomendations and saty positive. Plan first, maybe save a little if you can - tell him you want the joint account password as it has your name on it you should be able to access it whenever anyway.

Do you have the account number? If the persons name is on it, can't they go up to a cashier and ask for a statement?

Been to solicitor today, all looks positive. Will probably have to sell this house, but looks like I could afford somewhere smaller but ok for me and ds. Will probably go for divorce option rather than separation, as it will cost less in the long run. Hope to speak to h tomorrow night to try to sort things out.

Wow, Not.... you are organised! Do you want out of this marriage? I hope so for your sake and I hope that he comes squealing back to you and then you can tell him to sod off.

You go girl!

Had the convo tonight.

He has admitted the affair and will go for me divorcing him for adultery. We will sort the other stuff out.

Ds will mostly live with me, spending a bit of time with h.

Will have to sell the house, but should be able to afford an ok place to live with ds. And h should be able to afford a property too. It will be ok.

Thanks to all who gave advice.

I might tell you who I really am soon!

Wow you certainly haven't wasted any time getting to this point.
Did he admit it right away?
How are you feeling about it all now that it is out in the open? Don't be surprised if you "crash" fairly soon-you have been living on adrenaline for the last week and probably hasn't totally hit you yet the enormity of it all.
I cannot begin to think who you are but l wish you and your DS all the best for the future

Smart girl! Well done you've done amazingly well - but honestly haven't you done the sobbing with a bottle of gin bit yet?

Well done OP, sounds like it's all working out for the best. You don't sound 'devastated by it all (apologies if I'm wrong) so it all sounds a positive way to deal with things.

Hello. We have told ds this morning. He seems to be taking it well so far. H is being very co-operative (I think he is feeling extremely guilty), which is making things easier. He wants to do things as amicably as possible, to avoid distress to ds, and also because it will make things less expensive if we can agree on as much as possible.

I think the fact that we hadn't been getting on well for a long, long time has made it much easier to deal with. It will be quite stressful going through the divorce, moving house etc, but I'm pretty sure that when it's all sorted I'm going to be happier.

And actually I feel very calm now it's out in the open. I was completely a bag of nerves up until last night (even if I have seemed ok posting on here!)

You come across as very down-to-earth and pragmatic in your postings, but I'm sure it's not as simple as that.

Hope you don't mind me asking but how was your H when you told him you knew about the affair. Did he attempt to deny it, was he emotional or upset or did he just fess up straight away?

Sorry if that comes across as sounding a bit nosey but I do have a good reason for asking. Not for myself, but I have a friend who is also on the point of confronting her husband. She is outwardly very calm and organised, but I know she's a bag of nerves underneath.

He admitted it straight away, but obviously wasn't expecting it, as he had no idea I had found out. He kept saying he was sorry, and wasn't defensive or angry at all. He was quite upset, but not with me.

He didn't suggest we try to get back together - I think we both know that wouldn't work.

I don't know what to suggest for your friend though, as I had no idea how my h would react, and was very worried he might get angry or try to blame me for the fact he found someone else.

It's good he is being so reasonable now but it might not continue.
If he is devious enough to have an affair who knows what else he is capable of?
My advice would be prepare yourself just in case the guilt wears of nd he gets nasty ( hope it doesn't but just in case)

So far things are still ok. He is trying to be as co-operative as possible. I think we both want what's best for ds which helps.