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Original poster

Is this person out of my league?

38 replies

frillyskirt · 09/05/2014 00:21

I have name changed for this because I feel stupid asking the question, but it's needling me a bit so need to get it out there.

I am 40, happy with my looks and life, run a small fledgling business but it is fairly low income at present. Am uni educated and fairly confident generally.

But, I am attracted to / interested in someone, he is several yrs older than me, single, and a vet. Is this person likely to be out of my league in a professional sense? We seem to have a similar background, but it popped into my head, maybe I have some low self esteem here!

When I am interested in someone, I do tend to feel 'not good enough', but it is something I am working on.
Opinions on this?

OP posts:
BakerStreetSaxRift · 09/05/2014 00:30

No, he's not out of your league because he's a vet. That it's a very strange way to think.

Would you say you were out of someone's league of they were a, I dunno, taxi driver/road sweeper/nurse/had just been made redundant?

It's the person that counts not the job one does.

Ps, vets can still be total bastards remember.

ViviDeBeauvoir · 09/05/2014 00:32

I personally think the 'league' thing is a load of nonsense and from what you've written I can't think of any reason why he might not be interested.

The only thing I would say is, if you often feel 'not good enough' then you might want to have some counselling to resolve this issue before dating anyone as you could be selling yourself short in a relationship and other issues may crop up along the way.

wouldbemedic · 09/05/2014 00:37

There's nothing at all special about being a vet!

PlantsAndFlowers · 09/05/2014 00:42

The only thing that would make you 'not good enough' for him is that you seem to think you are not good enough for him.

Original poster
frillyskirt · 09/05/2014 00:43

Thanks for your thoughts!
True of course, being a vet is nothing special, but as I said, this is a seemingly irrational little part of me that has popped up and goes against the grain of my general views in life. So this is why I think it might be a self esteem thing.
If I didn't find him attractive, the vet element would mean bugger all.

I am in counselling for something else at the mo so shall bring it up!

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 09/05/2014 00:53

I agree, job makes no difference.

Good idea to talk to your counsellor about it.

Original poster
frillyskirt · 09/05/2014 00:55

I'll be honest though, I do sometimes see threads where people discuss relationships (not just here) and it sometimes gets mentioned that people tend to pair up with those who are from same income bracket, etc.
Wondering how much truth there is in this.

It's not like the prince and the pauper, I know, but still.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 09/05/2014 01:07

People tend to pair up in the same income bracket because we are usually drawn to people that share common things with us. So hobbies, interests, level of education, sense of humour etc.

You are both intelligent and educated, he used his education to go into a profession, you used yours to start your own business. If anything, he should be wondering if you are out of his league! It takes far more work and determination to run your own business than it does to work in someone elses!

redluggage · 09/05/2014 01:10

People can be a bit judgy about it ime. I am educated but I was on benefits when I met DH, we definitely had some Hmm responses when we got together as he is a professional/top rate taxpayer. There were also friends on my side who almost warned me off him as if he must have some negative ulterior motive if he was so successful and would want to use it as a method of control (far from the truth). It was as if they couldn't otherwise grasp the concept of someone from his background wanting to be with someone with a background like my own. I have to admit I was uncertain about it initially, as being on benefits does knock your confidence a bit, but DH never saw it as an issue. We have been together very happily for 10 years.

What do you think his thoughts are about it, has he mentioned anything at all? I think the counselling is a good idea. I did have some therapy before I met DH and it's good for sorting out issues and putting you in a better place to be able to communicate in a relationship.

lordStrange · 09/05/2014 01:11

Well, what do you do? Then we can size up whether you are 'equal' to the vet. (I'm certain you are btw).

Bogeyface · 09/05/2014 01:18

Thinking about it, he sticks his hand up cows arses for a living, you win!

Original poster
frillyskirt · 09/05/2014 01:18

Was a creative degree, I work in web design, freelance, consignment and have a small store. I quite frankly don't think I've worked as 'hard' as a vet as it was a lot of fun getting here!

But I am still starting out, and claim some housing benefit, so perhaps I am a bit paranoid about myself or a coward or something Blush

(FWIW I am not anti benefits, far from it)

OP posts:
Original poster
frillyskirt · 09/05/2014 01:19

Haha, yes, last i heard a cat pissed all over him.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2014 06:40

Taking everything else out of the equation, the very sentiment that there might be leagues that you don't qualify for of is an expression of insecurity and that's not a healthy attitude to have in any environment, certainly not relationships. By the same token, if this man believed he was in some superior league and dismissed others on the strength of their CV or income bracket, he'd be a snob with a silent 's'.

Stand tall. You're as good as anyone else.

Fideline987654321 · 09/05/2014 06:49

People tend to pair up in the same income bracket because we are usually drawn to people that share common things with us

Yep, and because those are the people we tend to meet most (work, friends of friends, neighbours etc).

As long as you have things in common, I can't seea problem. Smile

doziedoozie · 09/05/2014 06:53

Is it a class thing? Is he ex public school? Not that that means he is better than you but it can mean he is very assured and confident which public school ime seems to do to their DCs.

I would be more impressed by someone with a creative degree and a small design business than a vet. Had I worked v v hard at school and ticked the experience boxes I could have been a vet, I don't have the flair or imagination to ever run a design businesses.

Original poster
frillyskirt · 09/05/2014 08:54

No, he's not a posh boy Grin

OP posts:
PoundingTheStreets · 09/05/2014 10:30

I think most people tend to have moments of worrying they're out of their league when they first get together with someone they really like, even those who considered themselves a "good catch" while single. It's because as soon as you care, you are vulnerable to rejection.

The only way to deal with it is to remind yourself that job title and income bracket say very little about a person overall, and that you can be a saint or a sinner both as a pauper and a millionaire. And keep reminding yourself that you deserve happiness just as much as anyone else. Eventually the feelings settle down unless you have deeper-rooted anxieties which may need a little professional help to deal with.

Go for your vet and enjoy! Smile

Original poster
frillyskirt · 09/05/2014 11:22

Poundingthestreets that really makes sense, and I definitely do only feel this way before actually getting with someone - after which they are on my level, and I am then more concerned with whether they are good enough for me.

It's funny that we can have a tendency to suddenly feel inadequate when we develop a thing for someone prior to any actual dates, etc. I was wondering about that last night.

Sadly I have no idea how to approach him. This isn't a deep affection or anything as I barely know the guy - just very attracted and drawn to his personality. He is a part of my sister's social circle, but a bit too remote for me to just approach, although I've met him quite a bit in past year.
I do visit his surgery occasionally but to see another vet.

Sister also can't give me any more info and I am not inclined to have her speak with him. To me, that would look weird. She doesn't know him well enough for that.

OP posts:
Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 09/05/2014 11:27

I have worked with and for vets for thirty five years and they have varied to being highly moral as well as genuinely nice to being utterly criminal lowlife scum that should be in jail and everything in between. I could tell stories about vets that would straighten pubic hair!! He's just a man and no more OP.

Ivehearditallnow · 09/05/2014 11:40

Try not to beat yourself up OP - no one should be 'too good' or equally 'not good enough' for each other based on things like their jobs/education etc. That's just snobbery.

Enjoy! And hope the business picks up soon x

lainiekazan · 09/05/2014 11:55

I think people need to be more of less of the same league to make relationships work, especially when you're older - unless you want a trophy husband/wife.

People tend to be more protective of their assets if they've acquired any, and so I doubt whether Bill Gates if he were free would be especially keen to take up with me. Dh's friend is single and quite well off and is has a super spider sense for women without their own means.

But just because someone's a vet it doesn't mean they get an automatic leg up the leagues! You sound quite equal to him, OP!

The only time I thought (knew) I was out of my league was when I went out with someone who was very good looking. When you're walking along and people turn round to look at the person you're with, or give them phone numbers when you're sitting right there... no, that was a lesson in knowing your league.

Loverdose · 09/05/2014 12:00

I wouldn't worry! I have a uni degree and was a legal Secretary before leaving work to be a sahm. Unfortunately now I have split with H I can't find any work of that sort so I am part time as a bartender and claiming HB and tax credits. Only job I could get at the moment. Ex is a train driver, he didn't even go to college. He got the job because he got an NVQ in engineering and started out maintaining the trains then worked his way up. He earns way more than me and had nowhere near as much education.

Ivehearditallnow · 09/05/2014 12:01

'Leagues' - sorry, the whole concept is vile IMO.

lainiekazan · 09/05/2014 12:08

You may think the concept is vile, but that doesn't mean that "leagues" or whatever you want to call them don't exist.

Eg how many nurses marry doctors? Not many. Or air hostesses and pilots? A few, maybe. And the other way round - women are just as discriminatory.

Actually next time around (!) I'm going for a handyman, any league welcome.