Dont know what to do nearly 28 weeks pg and had a huge row with dh and mil

[DebbsyandBibby]

Hello all does anyone fancy being an agony aunty? to me today feeling very down and low Huge row with dh and mother in law!!!
ill start by telling you the story i met my dh 14 yrs ago and in that time he has taken part in a motocross sport which takes him away alot of the weekends he enters into championships and is very good at what he does.Sometimes before i was pg i didnt go with him as his mum and dad go all the time and are very heavily involved in this sport ( so much me and mil clash on a regular basis)as they phone up every friday nite after the tmx has come out to tell him whats on at the weekend and where they can go.Whilst im pg though in order to spend time with dh i go with them all,and have asking them for sometime whats going to happen next year?When the baby is here? as its quite a cramped van and caravan and we are all a bit on top of each other,and even though his parents do their best as in cooking my favourite meal looking after the dogs i still feel such animosity towards them at times.Dh and I discussed next year and dh said he would only do these championships which equates to 14 rounds from march -november but he wasnt definetly decided as me and our son come first!!
What a joke his mother took it upon herself yesterday to tell all and sundry that he was doing these championships next year (even though we havent decided and i think its not unreasonable of me to request next year is a year of no racing whilst our son is a baby.This has lead to a huge row where i stormed off today and drove the 2 hrs home fuming as mil said i wont be happy until he packs it in and im always moaning,i lost my temper with her as i feel ive given my dh an awful lot of commitment to his racing and told her she didnt care about anything else but getting him on the bike,not even our baby mattered as she never rings ups and asks if im ok its always ringing up about a meeting or something to do with the bike.She told me that i was vile and we both said some rather choice words of which i told her dont get any ideas about pushing my son into this sport as there is no way on earth i will let it happen of which she said she could say a few things to me but she wont stoop down to my level.The cheek i dont want to fall out with anyone but i think this baby has taken us 2 years to get and should be treated as the special gift that he is.She has made me so angry i dont ever want to see her again and told her that.So where do i go from here??? What do i do?? Am i being unreasonable?

Where is your DH? What has he said?

Well I think you and your long awaited lo should come first with dh. Perhaps mil should back off. She shouldn't be speaking to you like that when you are pg anyway. Sounds as if it really wont be practical for you and your lo to participate next year so it will give you a breather from mil.

Actually why has dh let you drive 2 hours home alone anyway - is he competing?

I don't know you and the situation other than what I've just read and I don't want to judge or anything, but..........

I would say that you are incredibly hormonal right now. That rows like this flair up very easily at this stage of a pregnancy, in fact they flared up at a drop of a pin when I was pregnant, all the way through.

Your husband was into this sport when you met him. He may well tone it down when your son arrives and he naturally wants to spend more time with you both. But no reason he should stop. Pregnancy for a womana nd for a man are poles apart. You are living it, breathing it, it is yu. For him, nothings changed, his wife just has a larger middle and is acting a bit odd now anf then!!!

Don't worry about his mum. Bollocks to her, you're not married to her, just blank her for a bit. It'll be ok int he end. She's not the worst MIL alive and everything will be ok.

Be kind to oyurself and unwind and relax.
Enjoy these last few weeks and go and nest or something, it all good

Hula dh is still at racing!! even though i left angry and upset then he rings me up and tells me that i told him to stay so mil wins again he said nothing has been decided yet then told me off for saying that about the baby to his mum.So it comes back on me yet again...
i really dont know how i can win this as ive been a loser against his bikes for 14 yrs and all yuo get from mil is you cant stop even if you wanted to as its in his blood his blood and here blood no doubt.

i can understand u not wanting him to do it but tbh i don;t thinks it is fair to ban him altogether even if its afor a year. its obvioulsy important to him or he wouldn't do it so often and i think byt reducing the amount of times he does it taht he has already tried to meet you half way.
I don;t agree with ur mil lauding it over you though as the desicion should be made between u and ur dh.

oh debsy hunni.... {{{{hugs}}}}

Where is DH, what has he said? Has he tried phoning?

I think you need to sit down and talk this through with him, or show him this thread and see how he feels.

You and the babe come first - bikes second. I think he should take a year out, and you are well within your rights not to want the babe to get into the sport.

MIL sounds like a b*h and tbh im proud of you for standing up to her.... the ball is in her court now to appologise and make ammends.

Take it steady hun xxx

There you go, it's what he does, in his blood as you say.
It's good for a person to have a passion. Don't try and fight it. When the baby is here I'm sure things will change a bit.
My DP is a DJ and his passion is music and everything to do with it. He only packed up his studio when DD2 came along and we needed the room. It's gradually slowed right down and he doesn't play and go out to clubs every weekend anymore but it took time. But he did it, in his own tiem and I never, ever asked him to do anything other than turn the volume down now and again.

D&B, i'm so sorry about the fight with your mil, and shame on your dh for not backing you up on this. your baby should come first, not some sport.... you've spent 14 years supporting him in his sport, you deserve at least one year of having him there at weekends with a young baby to contend with.

hopefully once you have the baby and he realises how much he loves him and wants to spend time with him he'll come to his senses.

as for your son entering the sport, neither you nor your mil can control that, it will be him who decides whether he's interested or not and neither one of you has the right to push him into taking part/not taking part.

No, why should he give the bikes up?
Why????? Why take that away from him? He has every right to carry on with his passion. if you ask him to give that up he could resent you for it, rebel. Would you want him there knowing he rerally was longong to be on a bike again?
Enjoy that he has a passion, one that one day he can share with his son.
He can still be a great husband and wonderful fatehr and enjoy his sport too.

mum of monsters the only reason i dont want him to do it next year and thats all i want a year is because these championships run from march- nov consist of 14 rounds that take him away all weekend so that works out at 2 or maybe 3 a mth.Which when i go back to work in may will not be alot of time we spend together as a family.
Thanks Jess but she would never apologise ever she necer has done in the past and if i see her again anytime soon i know the row will continue as she cant cut the bloody apron strings.Of which i also told her he was not her baby he is a 34 yr old man with a wife and a child to be.

she's not asking him to give up, she's asking that for one year while their baby is tiny that he not go away every weekend on top of being at work all week. she'd never see him and he'd spend no time with his son... she can hardly bring the baby in an already crowded caravan to a track with bike fumes and dust everywhere!

thanks pt that is right i have never asked him for anything thomcat that would sacrifice his racing even when i have been home on my own for days when he used to race abroad where i have had to go to weddings parties christenings on my own because he was racing when its been our wedding anniversary and we should have going out i have let him go racing without even a murmur.I tried to discuss with mil what if he gets hurt as he has had some nasty accidents and its me that picks up the pieces when we were flying to the dominican and had to cancel and he got hurt 2 days b4 we were due to go crushed 3 vertabraes in his spine i nursed him not her me broken collar bones fractured hands even the weeks after our wedding we came back from honeymoon early so he could compete he had another accident which made it to the national papers as it was a bobbit type accident i picke up the pieces then his mother and father couldnt even come into the hospital i had to go and sort it out as usual!!

tbh I think that there are issues on both sides here. Firstly, I think your mil is out of order trying to call the shots, but tbh it does sound as if you both said some things and therefore were both party to the row iyswim.

Your dh has been into this sport from the day you met, and therefore you knew what it was all about. At least you know where he is on weekends - I have plenty of friends whose husbands go out drinking every weekend and come in at 2/3 in the morning, with their wives often having no idea where they are. At the moment neither of you really know how your lives are going to change when you have this baby, yes you are carrying the baby but for your dh nothing has really changed as yet. Once the baby is born he may feel differently and decide that he doesn't want to race next year. But if he does want to, then it should be his decision, it's something he loves doing, and to ask him to give it up would be unfair on him.

You should sit down and have a talk about it, but imo you shouldn't decide one way or the other until after the baby is born and you know more clearly what your lives are going to be like.

I think you and Dh need to sit down and have a big chat about this. TBH I don't think it is unreasonable to expect DH to cut back on his activities when you decide to have children together. You can't force him, but you can let him know how you feel.

I agree he may feel some resentment towards you if he doesnt race next year, and that isnt healthy, but it also works the other way, you will resent him if he does. so why is it ok for a woman with a newborn to feel resentment, but not for a man? Seems a bit one-sided to me.

1 year out doesnt seem too much to ask in my opinion.

I didn't say you've asked him for anything before Debbsy, but you're asking now.
All I'm saying is that you're hormones are raging so things are going to upset you more than usual so try not to let the MIL get to you too much.
Just try and chill out, that's all I'm saying and see what happens when the baby is here.
If you don't like my advice don't take it, I was just tying to help and see thigns from all sides, thats all.

You crack on and do what you need to do.

do you think maybe the problems between with your mil goes alot further than just the racing?

tbh it sounds from the tone of the posts though that Debsy resents her dh and this sport already though. If he gives up next year, I think it's highly likely that you would want him to give up the next year as well as baby will be walking, starting to talk, wanting to spend mime with daddy etc. I can see this just being a starting point, because every stage is different in a baby's life..

i know i dont want to make him i really dont i love him deeply i really do but i want some time as a family with our new son and dont think its too much to ask as i have made major sacrifices in my life for him,why cant he give something back to me??

thomcat i am listening to all advice i just wanted to tell you a little of what its been like over the past 14 years for me.

debbsy feeling very for you right now. having had similar outbursts myself though all my pregnancies, including running away from my MIL's house due to DH's attitude - he wanted to go to a sports event, i wanted to get home coz i was bleeding (all turned out fine). Don't feel you have to apologise to MIL, she, as a mother, should understand how hard it is to control your emotions when your hormones are going haywire. I think, as someone else said, men are best left to come round to making decisions in their own good time, nothing makes them dig their heels in more than a 'nagging wife'. When he sees that lovely baby i am sure you'll be able to work out a compromise.
Hope it all works out well when he gets home.

wannabe i dont resent his racing but am starting to now!! myson i spose i resent my mil at times as she gets to spend more wkend time with my dh than i do

Because Debbsey, if it truly in his blood you are possibly asking for too much, I don't know???? Perhaps asking him to give up his passion, even if only for a year is like asking him to only use his left hand from now on, or something???????
Perhaps he will slow it down, stop even. The baby isn't here yet, that could suddenly change everything. But if it doesn't and he needs to keep riding you might just have to accept it's what he does, it's who it is. Or you could let it drive a massive wedge between you and be really unhappy about it all th time and spend your life resenting him his passion, his life, his mum and anything or anyone connected to that part of the worl. Or you could reach a comprise with him and when he does go go too?????
Just trying to help here.

omg really foxtrot thats awful.Glad things turned out fine in the end.See my dh is brill in every other way caring attentive wont let me hoover get stressed (in normal situations) or anything.But he is being as stubborn as a mule about this.