Dont know what to do nearly 28 weeks pg and had a huge row with dh and mil

[DebbsyandBibby]

Hello all does anyone fancy being an agony aunty? to me today feeling very down and low Huge row with dh and mother in law!!!
ill start by telling you the story i met my dh 14 yrs ago and in that time he has taken part in a motocross sport which takes him away alot of the weekends he enters into championships and is very good at what he does.Sometimes before i was pg i didnt go with him as his mum and dad go all the time and are very heavily involved in this sport ( so much me and mil clash on a regular basis)as they phone up every friday nite after the tmx has come out to tell him whats on at the weekend and where they can go.Whilst im pg though in order to spend time with dh i go with them all,and have asking them for sometime whats going to happen next year?When the baby is here? as its quite a cramped van and caravan and we are all a bit on top of each other,and even though his parents do their best as in cooking my favourite meal looking after the dogs i still feel such animosity towards them at times.Dh and I discussed next year and dh said he would only do these championships which equates to 14 rounds from march -november but he wasnt definetly decided as me and our son come first!!
What a joke his mother took it upon herself yesterday to tell all and sundry that he was doing these championships next year (even though we havent decided and i think its not unreasonable of me to request next year is a year of no racing whilst our son is a baby.This has lead to a huge row where i stormed off today and drove the 2 hrs home fuming as mil said i wont be happy until he packs it in and im always moaning,i lost my temper with her as i feel ive given my dh an awful lot of commitment to his racing and told her she didnt care about anything else but getting him on the bike,not even our baby mattered as she never rings ups and asks if im ok its always ringing up about a meeting or something to do with the bike.She told me that i was vile and we both said some rather choice words of which i told her dont get any ideas about pushing my son into this sport as there is no way on earth i will let it happen of which she said she could say a few things to me but she wont stoop down to my level.The cheek i dont want to fall out with anyone but i think this baby has taken us 2 years to get and should be treated as the special gift that he is.She has made me so angry i dont ever want to see her again and told her that.So where do i go from here??? What do i do?? Am i being unreasonable?

Completely agree with catsmother, but I think that it is possible that Debbsy's DH genuinely does not realise yet what the reality of having a child will be. I know I was completely mystified when I was about to go on maternity leave (or 'holiday' as I thought of it)and a mother was telling me about how I would find it difficult in the early days to find time for a shower.

Debbsy's MIL should know better, but memory loss is a wonderful thing.

on the money as usual catmother

I really feel for you, but the best thing you can do now is back away from the situation before you make yourself ill. It's a losing battle arguing with MIL....believe me, I know!!!

Standing Ovation for Catsmother

Yeah man, I'm on my feet. Go catsmother go and just be around if I ever need you ok xxx

Blimey ..... thanks.

Agree totally catsmother ..... show DH her post tomorrow....

another vote for the catsmother approach

Cats mother? More like the dogs bollocks!

In fact, in reverence to catsmother, am Now thinking of changing my name to 'dogsbollocks'. Alot to live up to.

Nah, BogsDollocks is nicer

catsmother - you are the bees knees!! absolutely spot on.

catsmother thank you very much for that, i think you summed it up.
Well me and dh still not speaking at all and i cant sleep,this is on my mind so much.

I mjst say I agree with Thomcat, asking to to put his passion on hold for a whole year will surely undo all the hard work he has put in to get to Championship level, will it not? Believe me, if you ask this you will be resented, as wil your child.

I do however, feel that your dh will cut back of his own accord, my dh was a season ticket holder for his football club, (I know it's only a once weekly thing, but still compares) I never expected or indeed mentioned that he should give it up when DD came along, but he did it off his own back as he wanted to be with us. He came to the conclussion himself. But it wouldn't have mattered either way to me.

I do also think he needs to stand your ground a tad with his mum too, my dh would be livid if anyone in his family spoke to me like that.

As with his mum, you are the mother of her grandchild, when he comes along you can be as awkward as you like regarding when they visit etc....just bear that in mind next time she flies at you!

This is such a tough one. And I do agree with catsmother - her post was a top bit advice ... but I also agree with thomcat ...
Speaking as someone whose DH has a passion (cricket - not as dangerous but just as lengthy) it was a tough tough time for us as a couple when DS came along.
When I met DH he played Saturdays and Sunday throughout the summer ... we even got married on a Friday so no one would miss a game ... it was touch and go whether we even got married in the summer actually but in the end my long teacher holidays won ...
Anyway ... I've never really liked cricket anyway and when DS was a baby my resentment was huge. It was a nightmare - I resented him if he played, he resented me if he didn't. He ended up compromising and giving up Sunday cricket after lengthy rows and many tears (on my part). BUT I have never ever asked DH to give up his cricket completely ... I was pretty much judged by many of my friends for being a wuss for not demanding it but it felt wrong to make him give up something he loved so much. He made up for it in other ways - a very very hands on Dad when at home ... etc etc.
He finally gave up when I was pg with DD - I didn't ask him ... he realised that it was unfair. But last year he started coaching the under 7s team that DS joined so he is back with his first love
Is there anyway you could compromise Debbsy? Is there anyway you could, like catsmother says, organise going to the races without the MIL?
One of the things that worries me about your DH's hobby is that it is so dangerous ... do you think that he could possibly be made to see that if he gets badly hurt (or worse) then he is jeopardising the future of his child?

Actually I hadn't thought of this lastnight, but my brother used to go to motocross and scrambling, dirt biking every weekend, his Fiancee was used to it I guess and she made plans to do other things when he was off playing as she put it She would go and see her mum, visit placed db didn't like going etc... in fact they got married on a week day so he could still go biking that weekend.. and he had fractured ribs on their wedding day!
She got pregnant when they had been married 3months and he still went weekends here there and everywhere leaving her at home to relax etc.. she simply wasn't interested in getting wet and cold and dirty ( I wouldn't either!!) But anyway, when Missy was born that October he more or less stopped it all.. sure he still goes to keep his hand in, he no longer competes though..and his biggest sacrafice was giving up his bike shed as a storage space for his wee girls toys So there's hope for your DH yet!

Sorry I have no advice about your MIL, I am slowly trying to build bridges with my own

No change dh acted as if nothing has happened this morning i was civil but quiet as im still feeling v v v upset. thanks for all advice though x

Well no phone call from dh today to see if im ok

he's sulking now but hopefully he'll also be thinking things over and coming to the realisation that you have a valid point

Debsy, sorry to hear that things did not improve for you two. Could you cook a nice meal for your dh tonight and then can you sit down and talk about things? This is about you two now, try not to bring your mil into the equasion, that may only make him defensive, but this is about how he has been towards you, and your feelings about everything. In 12 weeks you are going to become parents, and you need to resolve differences between you before you embark on such a momentous change in your life. I've never had a row with dh that has gone on into the next day, I just won't go to sleep on an argument, so the concept of not speaking the next day is something that I hind hard to grasp, is it something that has happened between you before?

good luck x

I've not read all the posts but a few things occur to me (apologies for any repetition).

The argument with his mother has merely been a catalyst for expressing your underlying worries and frustrations over the potential conflict of interests. You need to sit down with dh, decide what your compromise is - which may be wait and see as you agreed before - and leave MIL out of it for the time being. He then needs to ask her to back off until he has decided.

He has had this long standing passion - certainly more than just a casual hobby - and you need to acknowledge that it is a lifestyle he is potentially forfeiting but for a hopefully more fulfilling role as a father. Presumably he is coming towards the end of this season now so will be on hand during the early part of the baby's life whether he eventually gives up or not. Almost certainly the baby will force him to face up to the risks and new responsibilities
without you having to state it. Let him get involved both now and when he/she arrives.
Should he decide to continue are there any alternative accommodation options for you to take the baby along to show support, if not every time, some times. Things will be fraught with a young baby, you and dh and PIL's together in one van. Perhaps a local B and B if not your own van ?

It sounds as if you have long standing tension with his family, MIL in particular. You are probably especially sensitive to this atm and really need to ask dh to support you as it may well manifest itself again once the baby arrives. If you can present a united front it should deflect the worst of any comments and intrusion.

Do hope dh is more open and friendly this evening. Hopefully the time will have given him a better perspective (his mother will undoubtedly have bent his ear after your departure) and you can discuss it more calmly.

good luck

Hi again Debbsy, sorry things aren't any better yet - have you managed to speak to DH about any of it tonight?

Hi all well some sterling advice there thank you.
when i got home from work last night dh was v nice to me as my ribs were hurting a little bit,we agreed that we are not going to discuss this further until the baby is here.As in dh's words the only person that decides what he does is the baby,so i told him my underlying fears that i feel once i go back to work i will be alone most weekends and i feel so fiercely protective over my son that i want his father to be with him also quality time as a family.Dh agreed with me gave me a cuddle then asked me to ring his mum and apologise of which i flatly refused.I explained to him that i dont want anything or anyone to come between us as this is a very happy time for us,and i dont want mil to be included on any decisions we may take as our life is nothing to do with her.The subject was then dropped and we are friends again.xx

Did he agree that your life was nothing to do with your MIL, IMO there is no point in dropping the subject until you have a clear resolution and are presenting a united front.

sherlock yes he did agree with me he said he does realise and said what do you think im going to do leave you holding the baby all the time.We agreed to drop it as like he said it will be the babys decision because i was getting very upset,and this subject as you can tell from my posts is very raw for me and i dont want to get upset for the well being of the baby.He obviously feels bad about something as im working from home today as i have a midwife appointment and he has done all the hoovering and floors before going to work.