Saw my ex yesterday - feeling sad today

[ThursdayAlready]

I ran into my ex-husband yesterday.

Brief history: we married in 2002, then in 2005 he had an affair, behaved atrociously, smashed our marriage to pieces, wanted to divorce me for my “unreasonable behaviour” (although I stuck to my guns and petitioned him for adultery, and it went through on those grounds) – then when I met my new husband, he did a complete U-turn, ditched the OW, spent several years trying to get me back, insisting he was a changed man and was genuinely sorry.

I didn’t go back to him – even though the good times had been fab, he totally broke my heart with the horrors that followed. And despite all that, it was actually very hard when he did his U-turn, it was far more difficult to turn him away than I’d ever expected. Yes, I’m far too soft for my own good. And of course by this time, I’d met my new husband, who is really lovely. I still get the occasional text from my ex, saying that he’s sorry.

Fast forward to last night: I was having a meal with a girlfriend, when the ex walked into the restaurant. He didn’t see me to start with, the waiter seated him and his female companion quite near to us, and he really did a double-take when he saw me. My friend knows him too, and there were a couple of polite “hello’s”, but nothing more. Thankfully he wasn’t seated quite in my line of vision, as that would have been really awkward. But he kept turning his head to look at me. He looked quite sad, almost like “how did we end up like this?” We finished our meal, and left the restaurant. He texted me about an hour later, with just one word “hello”. I didn’t reply.

Well of course we both know how we ended up like this – he took a hatchet to our marriage; and whether his subsequent regret was genuine or not, the damage was done. So whilst I have no sympathy for him, I just feel very sad today. Sad for all the good years we had, sad for the man he used to be, and sad that he chose to ruin everything if, with hindsight, it wasn’t what he wanted.

Fate has been kind to me since our split; I’m married to a lovely guy and have little to complain about. I’m a decent person and I feel I deserve the happiness I now enjoy.

I’m just checking that it’s normal to feel sad under the circumstances? Last night really took me by surprise.

I think it's okay to feel sad and you seem clear sighted enough to realise he was/is a fool who was the architect of his own misfortune.

it's ok to feel sad. You had a lot of good times.

What a fool but good on you for moving on and getting to a happy place x

Perfectly normal to mourn that loss when they are there infront of you, its just a little reminder, about how even though he hurt you, you still treasure the good times.

Of course it's normal to feel sad. Shit happens, we deal with the shit best we can and then we try to put it behind us if we've got any sense. You can't help it if some shit pops out of the woodwork and brings a few sad feelings back with it.

I had a thread going last week about my dilemma over what to do with a book I'd found belonging to my exH who left 20 years ago. It's always sad but I'll get over it and so will you.

Your post has touched me. You feel this way because you are a nice, decent person. I particularly liked when you said that life has been kind to you since and you now have the happiness you deserve.

Everything that happened was his own fault and you have moved on and forgiven. He clearly cannot forgive himself and that is not your responsibility. I look back on happy times of my earlier life when matters are very difficult and this is not just relationships, but childhood memories so I see this as positive also. Keep moving forward, he is a memory from the past.

Thank you so much ladies. He was indeed the architect of his own misfortune (what a great phrase!). It was just so weird to see him; just hearing the sound of his voice when he spoke to the waiter brought back all sorts of memories. One of the hardest things is knowing that I could have gone back if I'd wanted to - I prayed so hard (at the time) that he'd wake up and want me instead of the OW - but in those days he was hellbent on divorcing me. And of course by the time he eventually changed his mind, he had behaved so badly that no one in their right mind would have taken him back.

Oh poor you. You have hit the nail on the head, you're sad for what should have been, but sadly it wasn't.

its ok to feel that, i think it will pass.

(i have a very similar story to yours but had to see my ex every other day for the kids, and felt exactly as you described pretty much every time i saw them. it was a heartbreaking 2-3 years. But it passed)

It wasn't very nice seeing him with another woman (although obviously the woman I saw him with last night wasn't the OW). The whole thing would actually have been easier if he'd rode off into the sunset with the OW, rather than changing his mind when it was all far too late.

Even though he demolished the marriage, I was the one who refused to go back, so I've always been acutely aware that it was me who ultimately finalised the legal ending, and divorced the man I adored. Although I acknowledge I would have been insane to go back.

Sometimes things like that are actually easier to deal with when you're not given any choices.

Yes I think it's normal. In fact I felt terribly sad on your behalf thinking about it. This is the stuff proper sadness is made of.

I instigated my divorce, and it was absolutely the right thing to do. For me and for my ex husband. And also for our children who would otherwise have been raised by a desperately unhappy mother.

I still have days where I am sad that it didn't turn out differently. Or rather that it didn't all start out a bit better. I mourn the family unit my children should have had and I feel sad that I had to hurt someone very badly and break their world apart in order to do the right thing.

I am very happy with my partner who I absolutely adore and my ex husband is in a relationship and has had another child. My daughters are happy and have had a stable upbringing. Things have turned out well for everyone.

I still sometimes feel sad.

I don't think today's grey, damp weather has helped - if it were sunny and warm I might have bounced back a little quicker.

I just feel very sad that he behaved the way he did, trashed our fledgling marriage, acquired an OW, rubbed my nose in it, and basically left me with no choice but to divorce him. Only a fool would have gone back to him, and I have a feeling he would have strayed again. The trust had gone.

It's been helpful to post about this.

I've just had a few tears - I can't understand why I'm feeling like this after so long. We've actually been apart since Oct 2006, so it's hardly a recent split. We didn't have children so there's been no reason to keep in touch, and it's probably a couple of years since I've seen him. We only live a few miles apart, so I suppose we're bound to cross paths occasionally.

I seem to be suffering from "what if" syndrome - ie "what if I'd gone back to him". I don't understand myself today.

It's ok to grieve for the life you could, and would, have had, had he not done such a horrible thing. You once loved him very much and maybe part of you, however small, always will. That's ok too.

Sometimes you can only really examine a past emotional trauma once you're in a place of safety and happiness. Prior to that point you spend a lot of time running on adrenaline, 'coping' and generally doing whatever you can to not dwell on past hurt. Then you settle into a new life and try to forget about it. You're now happy, secure and you know you did the right thing. Now you can look back rather more objectively, you're a bit older and wiser, and naturally that's going to hurt. Like counselling without an actual counsellor.

Do you have someone to share any of this with? Someone who knew you at the time perhaps and knows what you went through?

Your 'what if?' feeling is based on a wistfulness for the man he could have been and the man you thought you had fallen in love with; remind yourself of the man that he actually was: able to cheat, lie, rub your face in the other woman, selfish etc etc.

It's natural to feel sad about bumping into someone you once loved, not because you want him back or still love him, but because mixed in with that feeling of familiarity are the feelings of love you once had and memories of the sadness that he caused you. That's what that weird, unsettling feeling is that you have right now.

He's screwed up spectacularly: he now has neither of you, and you are married to a great guy.

Paddling if you're going through it now, then my heart goes out to you. It's total agony, and nothing (apart from alcohol and diazepam) takes the pain away.

But Holger is right, I'm suddenly grieving for the life I would have had, if he hadn't behaved so badly and totally broken my heart. It was sooooooo hard to pull myself up afterwards, I couldn't imagine life without him. I couldn't imagine feeling ok ever again.

But to see him last night, with a girl who actually looked quite a bit like me, who is probably living the life I had, and could possibly have recreated if I'd gone back after the u-turn, was hard. Mind you, leopards don't change their spots, and for all I know he could still be cheating.

There was just something about him; we were totally on the same page with so many things, I really felt we were made for each other. Although if he'd felt the same, he wouldn't have started his affair, would he?

I cried all the way home tonight, and had to pretend to my husband that I was upset about a work issue. He's been really sweet and now I feel bad. I've got a couple of friends who know the whole story, and thankfully I can tell them about today's blip.

Redroom I posted before I read your post - and I think you're absolutely right. It still hurts like hell though!

I found this post really touching. It's a very sad thing when someone you love and trust betrays you and let's you down in such a way that you know you can't carry on with them. You almost feel apologetic about it, yet you know you were pushed into taking your heart back for your own preservation.

It is a very sad thing when someone makes mistakes of this magnitude, but I agree with your decision and not everything can be fixed or repaired and there are consequences to everything.

I would not feel sorry for your XH, because he learned about the consequences the hard way. Had he not learned them this way, he might have gone through life behaving like this. Hopefully if he is genuinely remorseful he will have learned from it and would not make the same mistake again should he find another woman who he loves.

I do feel a lot of sympathy and warmth towards you OP. You got a glimpse of the future you believed was once yours, and that's always what grief is about.

Thank you so much everyone. I've been home a few hours now, and am feeling a little calmer. Earlier I was fighting the urge to text/email exH, just to make some sort of contact, but I know it would have been a bad idea. I hate referring to him as "ex" as it sounds so throwaway, the opposite of how I felt.

I don't hear from him quite so often these days, which must mean he's moving on. Which is obviously a good thing. But I confess to being slightly hurt (yes, I know it's illogical). In a weird way I took comfort in knowing he was still thinking about me. So it's probably the combination of the reduced contact, plus seeing him out last night with someone who resembles me, that was a double whammy.

Its natural to think of the what ifs, but what is the IF? You take him back and he cheats again, and you wouldnt have your lovely new DH.

The way you talk about your ex is pushing your DH out of the picture.

I'm not thinking about taking him back now - but it was an option in 2007/2008. My DH is honestly not being pushed out, I've just had a very bad day, that's all.

Didnt wanna offend you Thursday

I spent 2 years thinking I would take my ex back, for the last 3 years I've spent realising I dodged a bullet, and I have to see him alot since with have a child together.

Just remember, you can grieve the life you could of had, but you got a different life, probably a better one.

I think its fine to be sad. it shows you care and cared and that those times mattered very much to you.

Having happy and good things in your life doesn't mean you don't feel sad about the bad things. I still tear up about my grandmother who died while I was pregnant with DD1 (nearly 15). That doesn't mean I don't remember DD1 as a tiny baby with absolute tears of joy!

FWIW, I don't think he's moving on. I think he is the type to always want what he can't or shouldn't have. He had the "forbidden" OW when you were married to him, but now you are beyond his reach, and unattainable, he wants you.

I had a big love like this- we weren't married- but it was very like you describe your marriage.... Started out as something brilliant and beautiful which he systematically destroyed and made terrible.

Over the years I've seen him around and a few times we've had exchanges like you describe. He's quite self pitying and does the sad eyes which, even after all these years and clear as I am about what he is- a duplicitous and damaged individual- tug at my heart strings.

It's okay to be sad. You loved him once. Just don't lose sight of what a bad man he is and what he did to you.