Saw my ex yesterday - feeling sad today

[ThursdayAlready]

I ran into my ex-husband yesterday.

Brief history: we married in 2002, then in 2005 he had an affair, behaved atrociously, smashed our marriage to pieces, wanted to divorce me for my “unreasonable behaviour” (although I stuck to my guns and petitioned him for adultery, and it went through on those grounds) – then when I met my new husband, he did a complete U-turn, ditched the OW, spent several years trying to get me back, insisting he was a changed man and was genuinely sorry.

I didn’t go back to him – even though the good times had been fab, he totally broke my heart with the horrors that followed. And despite all that, it was actually very hard when he did his U-turn, it was far more difficult to turn him away than I’d ever expected. Yes, I’m far too soft for my own good. And of course by this time, I’d met my new husband, who is really lovely. I still get the occasional text from my ex, saying that he’s sorry.

Fast forward to last night: I was having a meal with a girlfriend, when the ex walked into the restaurant. He didn’t see me to start with, the waiter seated him and his female companion quite near to us, and he really did a double-take when he saw me. My friend knows him too, and there were a couple of polite “hello’s”, but nothing more. Thankfully he wasn’t seated quite in my line of vision, as that would have been really awkward. But he kept turning his head to look at me. He looked quite sad, almost like “how did we end up like this?” We finished our meal, and left the restaurant. He texted me about an hour later, with just one word “hello”. I didn’t reply.

Well of course we both know how we ended up like this – he took a hatchet to our marriage; and whether his subsequent regret was genuine or not, the damage was done. So whilst I have no sympathy for him, I just feel very sad today. Sad for all the good years we had, sad for the man he used to be, and sad that he chose to ruin everything if, with hindsight, it wasn’t what he wanted.

Fate has been kind to me since our split; I’m married to a lovely guy and have little to complain about. I’m a decent person and I feel I deserve the happiness I now enjoy.

I’m just checking that it’s normal to feel sad under the circumstances? Last night really took me by surprise.

I dont actually feel like that at all to my ex anymore, he was my first and only love. I dont feel like I ever did love him at all.

I'm grateful to him for my DD, but that's all, if he died, I'd only feel sad for DD.

Does that make me really unfeeling?

Tali no offence taken.

As regards his liking for forbidden fruit - sadly I think you're right. And bizarrely I suspect he would never have wanted me back if I hasn't met DH. Which does validate my suspicion that it would never have worked; if I'd been available and wanting to reconcile, I was no longer 'forbidden'. Unless of course he'd genuinely changed ......

But I'm aware, via the grapevine, that he lives with his new partner, in which case he's not being fair on her when he's texting me. Leopards and spots again.

Can I just say a massive thank you to everyone who posted on my thread yesterday – I’m feeling much better today, bruised but no longer inconsolable, but it was so helpful to receive all your supportive messages, it made me feel like my reaction was normal, and not that of a mad woman!

Obviously I know what triggered yesterday’s upset, but I was amazed that so much grief was still buried deep inside. Part of me will always love him, but today I do recognise that he broke things beyond repair, and that I made the right decision, even though it was the hardest decision I ever had to make. Irrespective of the good bits, he put me through two years of sheer hell, and I didn’t deserve that.

My DH was really concerned about me last night – I had to pretend I was upset about work, which made me feel very guilty. He wants to take me somewhere nice at the weekend to cheer me up.

I have just read your post and I have also been in a very similar situation this week too!!!! I have been broken up with my ex for approximately 7 months- he ended it for his ex although she never actually took him back and we ended on bad times as I was appalled by his rudeness with me after he had broken my heart! Anyway like you I was in a restaurant with two of my girl friends and 2 days later I get a text off off him asking me if I was in this restaurant as he though he had seen me and asked how I was- I chose to ignore it as I am still very angry for the way he has treated me but like you it's made me quite moody and sad this week and he's been spinning round my head loads!!!!

Reading your post has really inspired me to stay strong and I your completely right when you say they broke the relationship there is nothing else we can do but to move on! I'm not really sure why he has contacted me whether he regrets his decision/feels guilty but I know I need to stay strong like you and remind myself I deserve better!!

How long were you single for before you met your new husband? Really happy you have found someone who appreciates you! You deserve better than someone who goes behind your back and lies!

X

Just re-read that sla

Just re-read that apologies for the terrible spelling and grammar having a nightmare typing on this phone!

Bad terms **

Thought**

And I think your completely right**

Paddling I think my DH would be really upset if I confided in him. He knew how much my ex broke my heart. He probably also knows – deep down – that I’ll always have feelings for him, but after all the time that has elapsed, I don’t think it’s fair to bring it all up again. I’m never quite sure if men understand these things quite like women do. And I don’t think he needs to know quite how much I was hurting, it would be cruel.

You asked would my ex have made the effort to do something nice if I’d been upset. To be honest, before the affair and the subsequent horrors, then yes – he was a decent guy back in those days, and he would have tried to cheer me up.

That’s was always my dilemma – my ex was such a lovely guy, we had a wonderful connection and I genuinely thought we were made for each other. Then he met OW, turned really nasty and couldn’t get rid of me fast enough. The lovely man I married had disappeared and he put me through more than 2 years of hell. And that’s why I couldn’t go back - I knew what he was capable of, and there was no guarantees he wouldn’t do it again.

Sunset I actually met my new husband whilst still living in marital home; the ex met OW in 2003, continued the affair until 2005 when it all came to a head, and he asked for a divorce. After that he spent most weekends/holidays periods at OW’s house, as our house was on the market. So we were living separate lives at the same house, even though the ex wasn’t there very often, if that makes sense. I met DH in 2006, and moved out of the marital home in Oct 2006.

When DH first asked me out, I nearly refused as I didn’t think I should date under the circumstances. However my friends all went mad at me, saying why on earth should I live like a nun when the ex was practically living with another woman whist awaiting our house to sell. So I went on a date with DH, and the rest is history!

Thursday reading this has been quite haunting for me. I've just been through your situation. My partner of 7 years had some sort of mid-30s crisis last summer and ended up leaving me after a litany of terrible behaviour. I've tried to dust myself off and go dating. I met a guy in January and have been trying to forge a new relationship. But every now and then my ex sends me long emails about how he's made a mistake, feels like his life is over and wants me back. It is so hard and it leaves me mentally and emotionally all over the place. I feel so sorry for my ex and am always mourning the loss of our life together. I am also constantly comparing my new bf to him, and wondering if he can offer me the life I had with my ex.

I've been told that what can seem an embarrassment of riches - with 2 men vying for you at the same time - can often end up leaving you empty handed. When you say sometimes things are easier when you don't have any choices - god I feel that so much!! It's enough to make me want to jack it all in and be single, but I'm in my mid-30s and don't feel I can hang around.

Your DH sounds lovely though, and the fact that your ex behaved like a dick for 2 whole years should tell you that this wasn't a temporary glitch. You are definitely best off without him!

Vertec I’m sorry that you’re upset too. I’m composed and feeling fairly functional today, but it wouldn’t take much to bring back the tears. Which seems ridiculous considering we’ve been apart so long. It’s been a relief to post here, and find out that other people understand how hard the choice can be, and having two men vying for you is not all it’s cracked up to be.

It was so incredibly hard to tell my ex I wouldn’t take him back. And of course there’s always the chance he could have become a changed man - but I’ll never know. But by the time the u-turn came, I’d been with my new guy for a year, and my wounds were starting to heal. Could I risk taking back a man I’d adored, and all the history we shared together, but who’d inflicted some real horrors upon me, thus letting go of a promising new life with a new man who treated me really well. When you look at it in black and white it’s a no-brainer. But emotions aren’t black and white, are they?

This might sound strange, but if it had just been a brief affair, we might have been able to work things out. But it wasn’t brief. It was literally a couple of years of calculated duplicity, and when it all came to a head, he totally flaunted the relationship, really rubbed my nose in it, despite seeing my devastation. And that did more damage than the affair itself.