He's finally admitted it

[onionlove]

Ive posted before about suspecting my DH has been visiting a prostitute he finally had to admit it tonight after i told him he had to show me bank statements, he begged to stay together, easy for him to say. We have 2 small DCs i just keep thinking of them, feel sick, this is gutting, what the hell do i do now. Our relationship wasn't great, I'm not perfect but i still cant believe it, what do i do?

Keep posting here. Get legal advice, get an sti check. Ask him to leave for a bit do you can get your head straight. Sorry this is happening to you.

If you are really asking what you should do, you should end your marriage. Tonight.

Oh love, poor you! I suggest you ask him to go for a while, just so you can 'be' for a bit and work out what's what.

There are going to be some hard hurdles to overcome, but you will make it, and you will be ok.

Keep posting. Sadly there are many that have been where you are now, but they can offer you endless support and kindness. Mumsnet is a wonderful place!

Thanks placeinthesun is legal advice expensive, what will happen to the house? Don't i can forgive but don't want to do anything rash because of the children, if they weren't here his bags would be packed

You can get a free half hour of basic legal advice. It will give you the start you need to know what will happen re. joint property, access to children etc

Throw him out, and take time to discover that you can, if you want to, manage without this lowlife polluting your home.

Thanks everyone, Any ive just googled free legal advice and cant find anyone in my area who offers it? I don't want to share custody of the children i would miss them so much if he had them 50% i know he's got to see them though

Please arrange a check up at some STI clinic and then get to a solicitor.

He is begging now, next he will claim he is the victim in all this.

I hope you have loving supportive family and friends?

I'm sorry :(

Please don't stay with him. It takes a certain type of man to use a prostitute - he won't stop. Voice of experience here...
He'll just hide the cash withdrawals better. And you'll spend your life looking for evidence. And your skin will crawl when he touches you. And when he's out, even legitimately, not late home or anything, you'll think "he could be with one now". And die some more inside.

Mine never admitted it (until the day I dumped him) after 7 years of on and off signs that he always said were "just looking". I had a child too, which is why I stayed. It was awful. Get out now, and take your dignity with you.

I mean out of the sham of a marriage that HE has destroyed, not out of the house.

Re legal advice: I suggest you total up what he has spent on fucking other women, and tell him you're taking the same for legal advice.

You can get advice from CAB for free, and many solicitors do a free half hour - so you can get the basics that way.
It all depends on your current situation.

Been seeing prostitutes but is begging to stay? The nerve of some of these blokes is beyond my comprehension sometimes.

Why would he think you would ever want to touch him with a bargepole after he's been shagging prostitutes?

Kick the fucker out - seriously. He doesn't have one iota of respect for you to do that. As Cabrinha said, you won't get a moment's peace from now on, wondering what the hell he's up to.

He needs to go, right now, so you can get some time, space and distance to get your head on straight and figure out what you are going to do.

Good luck and keep posting.

How horrible. My first reaction is out and don't come back:(

You need an Sti check.

And the cold hard cash he has been spending on these women! That could have been spent on the dc and you.

Best he goes really. Its only dragging it out.

Have you friends or family to call and lean on?

Do ask him to leave as a first step because you need some clear thinking space if nothing else. You need the opportunity to work out how you feel and it's impossible to do that if you've got a man begging you to let him stay, playing the victim card and minimising his behaviour.

If you can't find a solicitor to offer a free half-hour then make an appointment with CAB who can provide a certain amount of free legal advice, including about accommodation, finances and so forth.

STI checks have to be done for your own and even your children's health. You have no idea how long he's been using prostitutes so you have to assume the worst.

Finally, do you have friends or family IRL that you can confide in? It's very important to have moral and practical support and he'll be gambling that you're too embarrassed to share this with anyone.

Good luck

Thanks again everyone, I am lucky to have good support, I have spoken to Mum this morning and she's been fantastic and am meeting a friend tonight for a drink to talk.
I've managed to find a solicitor to see and am going to see my mortgage company too to see how they view me taking over the mortgage on my own.
Cabrinha - thanks for sharing your story, I totally feel exactly as you describe.
TAD - I really don't want to become that woman you describe I want to be happy and a role model for my children that it is important to be happy.
I feel totally drained and numb, can't believe it really, even if our relationship wasn't great anyone can see that the action he has taken is totally stupid.
I feel like I never really knew him at all and don't like him much anymore.

Cogito's spot on, but then she always is

Please realize that whatever you think you "know" about his activities will only be a tiny fraction of the whole. Since he's asked to stay, he has no incentive to tell the truth and every reason to lie - I speak from bitter experience, and the constant "wondering what else there is" will eventually destroy you

Nothing has to happen in a rush and without proper thought; you can take all the time you need to make your final decision (for example, I've got the summer to psych myself up and put meaures in place for our split) but he must understand that the decision will be yours alone - he threw away his right to an input with the choices he made

Oh, and about the STI checks: if it helps I've just been for them myself - also because of OH's use of prostitutes - and please believe me there's absolutely nothing to worry about

Thanks Puzzled, yes I thought Cognito was sensible too, I will sort out the checks, I'm not worried about having them.

I think you're right as he has taken over 3 months to admit to it and that's only because I sat at the computer and asked him to put in his banking password, so he's definitely not put cards on the table at any point and probably never will. He has proved himself to be a liar that's all.

My son starts school in September, I really don't know whether to let him settle in before the separation or just get on and have a fresh start I guess the solicitor can help with all of that anyhow.

You sound far more together than I would be in similar circumstances. Hope you're OK and I'm glad you've got your Mum & your friend for support.

Hi Cogito, I first discovered texts and things and started to suspect over 3 months ago, I've had a lot of time to organise my thoughts, part of me was hoping it would turn out not to be true, he would prove it and he would be a 'new' person. I guess I always knew what would happen, this is his second relationship with children and he did a similar thing to his ex and blamed it all on her (no surprise there). To be honest the thought of just me and the children and no hackles rising when I hear his key in the door is a relief. I guess getting booking appointments and doing proactive things has helped. For some reason today is a good day, there are good and bad ones where I spend the whole day in tears. I am also aware that my stress levels are not making things pleasant for the children and I want to put that right. What do you think about the school/timing?

Personally I think, like ripping off a sticking plaster, it's better to get things over with rather than drag them out. There's always 'something' in the future that delays things otherwise. However it's clear you've thought about all of this and you have a plan that you're carrying out so I trust your judgement. Would your STBX leaving mean your DS had to go to a different school or would it be the same school?

About your son starting school: trust me that, when the dust start to settle a bit, you'll just KNOW the right thing to do. That's what I meant about not rushing into things and listening to your gut instincts (which have already proved accurate)

It's wonderful that you have a supportive family (I didn't) and I just know they'll be there all the way for you. Would you also consider counselling, as an unbiased set of ears to talk things over with in "real life"? I'm just thinking that yes, the solicitor may well advise about the impact on your son's schooling, but at the rates they charge that could get expensive ... ??

Cogito, I need to sort out where I stand financially, hopefully if I can stay in the house it would be easier, otherwise even worst case I could afford something close by to the same school so there is no impact of him leaving I'm just thinking of the impact on my son of the change in nursery school setting to school and STBX leaving within a certain space of time.

Wish I'd been as strong as you are so soon after finding out, Onion ...

Hoping it would turn out not to be so? Hackles rising when your hear his key in the door? Oh, how familiar - and how wonderful that better times are round the corner for us both

Hi Puzzled I'm not really strong at all I guess I've just reached my stop sign and had enough of it and its easy to be strong when writing a message, was different when I talked to my Mum this morning. I think whats holding me together is the need to put the children first and make sure they are protected and not impacted too much. Its horrible isn't it but like my Mum said to me this morning it can't get any worse now. Best of luck to you too.

My comments aren't aimed at you Onion, just general rambling, but what I don't get is why in hell do blokes like this get married/long term live-in relationships and have kids in the first place?

You say this is his second relationship with children, second time he's done it.

Single and fancy free they can shag as many prostitutes as they like, whenever they like, spend all their leisure time getting up to whatever floats their boat. So why drag someone else and children into it? Why not just stay single and then they can do what the hell they like.

Do they get some kind of kick out of leading a double life or something, is there some kind of thrill in deceiving their wives/partners? Sorry to sound so incredulous, but I just find it totally bizarre.

I also can't quite get my head around his begging you to stay together. He can't seriously think you could forgive and forget and have a 'normal' relationship with him after this does he?

Are blokes like this wired up wrong or something?

I've been through the same myself (still going through it really) Onion and my heart really goes out to you. I just wanted to tell you to stay strong. It does get easier, I promise.
There is an excellent blog chumplady.com. I can't recommend it enough. Saved me quite a few times in my weaker moments.

"Trust that he sucks" from that blog rang in my mind a lot, once the full force charm and manipulation comes at you from your husband (brace yourself for it) and it really turned out to be true.
There was another great article about how to tell the difference between real remorse and bullshit.
What I also learned was that these kinds of people are astonishingly alike in the way they do things and react once found out.

Anyway, massive hugs. Take each day at a time xx