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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Well, shit. Husband sulking, not fun.

56 replies

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 07/05/2014 12:35

Background - things haven't been going great, lots of arguments and stress, and me feeling unappreciated. But things have hit a new low.

I had a couple of friends over last night - not a big deal, DH gets on well with them and we were just hanging out, chatting and having a few drinks. But he got the right arse about it, complaining that he was tired from work and wouldn't be able to sleep. Then he got annoyed because he couldn't watch what he wanted to on tv because we'd talk over it. He went to bed quite early, and was still in a strop this morning when he left for work.

I don't know what to do about this. He's welcome to have friends over whenever he likes, but he never does. And I don't like feeling like I can't do these things in my own house - if I stopped having friends over, I'd wind up bloody miserable.

I've texted him offering to cook a nice dinner tonight, and suggested he watch his show as he eats (yay for tivo!) But I've had no response. I'm worried that he's properly angry, not just ticked off, and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 07/05/2014 12:39

I've texted him offering to cook a nice dinner tonight, and suggested he watch his show as he eats

Don't reward his sulking or get into a habit of trying to appease him after you've done something he doesn't like.

How long have you been married?

Anonnemouse · 07/05/2014 12:42

When my partner has her friends over I'll cook for them so she has time to spend with them, and then either have a natter or let them get on with things and head off to bed if I'm working the next day. I can't imagine I'd just get wound up at some point about missing a TV show, especially if you have the means to record it!

Are you quite a rowdy bunch after a few drinks and is he growing tired of that maybe? If not, then it definitely sounds a bit odd to be getting worked up and grumpy over.

If things aren't going great maybe he's using it as an excuse to have a bit of a grump rather than the actual event being the issue as it were? You definitely don't sound like you've done anything unreasonable to me.

Original poster

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 07/05/2014 12:52

We've been married almost six months. I guess I'm trying to be nice because there wasn't much warning for him that they were coming. But that happens quite a bit, even before he moved in, and it's never been an issue before.

We're not rowdy, not even particularly loud. A bit of chatter and laughter, but not unreasonable. Plus if we are too loud, he'd tell us.

We have been under a lot of stress, money problems mainly, but I've ended up taking on most of the extra work. He then gets annoyed when things don't get done, but never this bad.

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/05/2014 12:55

If this arrangement was dropped on him without notice or consultation then I don't blame him for not being happy about it. If it was pore-arranged and it turned out at the last minute that it just didn't suit, he's being an arse. Sulking is for children

trikken · 07/05/2014 12:58

I think he's being unfair. He can either sit and join in or go off and do something else. There is always catch up tv. In our house friends and family life come before telly. (We do have it on as background noise sometimes though.)

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/05/2014 12:58

"We have been under a lot of stress, money problems mainly, but I've ended up taking on most of the extra work. He then gets annoyed when things don't get done, but never this bad."

This is the behaviour of an arsehole. Why have you ended up taking on most of the work?

Sounds to me like there are other, deeper issues at hand here, rather than a few chums dropping by without fair warning.

PoundingTheStreets · 07/05/2014 13:16

IMO anyone who would choose to watch TV rather than engage in real life is in need of getting a life, especially as you can watch it at any time now thanks to catch-up TV and the internet.

I suppose if you're having people over all the time and he feels like he can never just kick back and relax he may have a point, but the rest of your post seems to suggest that this isn't what's going on at all.

I rather think that now you are married, his true colours are coming out. If you want to talk to him about it and negotiate a solution you're both happy with, great, but please don't pander to his sulks. Treat him like you would a tantrumming toddler, because that's all a sulk is worthy of.

Jan45 · 07/05/2014 13:22

But why were you disturbing him, were you all in the same room?

If you and your friends were in a different room to him then what's the problem, he's totally over reacting and being childish, even if it was a last minute arrangement.

Original poster

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 07/05/2014 13:26

I only work part-time, so any extra stuff like phone calls falls to me because I'm around. Similar thing with housework, I'm at home so I end up doing it. Cooking is a sore point, because I work evenings and don't have any energy when I get home, but if I don't cook then he won't eat. God, he really does behave like a child!

I have just spoken to him, he said that he was angry because he has to keep reminding me about stuff I have to do

OP posts:

beershuffle · 07/05/2014 13:29

Stuff you have to do for him! Are you his wife or his mother?

Beastofburden · 07/05/2014 13:30

Get a full-time job. That way you can both do equal amounts round the house. It's not a good start if he sees you as his domestic staff, not getting on with her designated tasks because she is bunking off with her mates.

DocDaneeka · 07/05/2014 13:35

If you don't cook he won't eat

So fucking what? ( in the nicest possible way) if an adult goes hunger in a house full of food because they can't be bothered to assemble said food of a plate then so be it. Don't reward sulking and you are NOT his mum.

PoundingTheStreets · 07/05/2014 13:36

If you don't cook and he doesn't eat, let him go hungry. It's not your job to feed him.

"He has to keep reminding me about stuff I have to do" - major red flag I'm afraid.

To me is sounds like you are married to a man-child with an over-entitled over-inflated sense of his own self importance.

When you live with someone (married or otherwise) life should be easier for both parties. Yes, he shouldn't have to find himself doing a full-time job and all the house-work/cooking/child-care/administrative tasks/shopping etc but neither should you have to work part-time and do everything else for the privilege. It's called teamwork, and the best way to judge whether it is fair is to see how much child-free leisure time you both have.

Next time he says he has to remind you, smile sweetly and tell him that seeing as he has the time to think about it and it occurs to him so much more readily, perhaps he should do it since he's obviously so much more capable than you.

OnlyLovers · 07/05/2014 13:37

he said that he was angry because he has to keep reminding me about stuff I have to do

Sorry OP, I don't understand what this means. What stuff?

Overall I think he sounds like a child. I can't imagine throwing a strop/complaining about not being able to watch TV if my DP had friends over. I'd either go out myself or read/watch TV in the bedroom.

And what do you mean 'if I don't cook then he won't eat'? Literally? He will go hungry rather than lift a finger himself, if you don't cook because you come home late and tired?

I don't think you should have offered to do nice things for him tonight because HE was in a childish strop about your friends. And I don't think you should continue cooking for him. Could you batch-cook and freeze things so you can just defrost when you get home late? (by 'you' I mean he can do his share of batch-cooking).

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/05/2014 13:41

If you work part-time then it's fair enough that you do the lion's share of the housework, but I wouldn't stand for being chivvied or criticised unless he'd welcome you turning up at his work-place and setting his schedule for him.

"He has to keep reminding me about stuff I have to do."
Quite honestly, the only reasonable response to that is "get fucked"!

But you've mentioned money problems so it sounds like being part-time isn't helping matters.

If you get home after work and can't be arsed to cook then he needs to don a pinny or get bloody knotted.

Granville72 · 07/05/2014 14:19

If you work evenings why can't you prepare the evening meal during the day? Slow cookers are wonderful things and not much hassle. Batch cook, freeze it and get a meal out to defrost that morning, or prep during the day as much as possible so less to do in the evening.

Cooking is only a 'sore point' or hassle if you let it be (or if you cant cook lol).

AShadowStirsWithin · 07/05/2014 14:31

If he doesn't eat if OP doesn't cook then this is more reason not to cook IMO. If OP panders to this and finds ways round it like using a slow cooker then she is enabling her H to be a twat, and the precedent will be set. He will know that all he has to do is refuse to do something and OP will back down and find a way. If on the other hand, he realises that not doing something means he goes hungry then he will stop trying it on and just get on with cooking himself.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/05/2014 14:36

It doesn't sound like this man needs any enabling to be a twat, he appears to be making a fairly decent stab at it all on his own with no help from his dear wife.

JeanSeberg · 07/05/2014 14:41

If you work evenings why can't you prepare the evening meal during the day

Why can't he prepare his own meal or take it turns 50-50 to cook?

OP - can you really be arsed with all this shit after just 6 months? I'd cut my losses if I were you. Do you have any children together?

Granville72 · 07/05/2014 14:56

Yes I agree he could also cook, but OP said she was too tired in the evenings to do it also. She's not said what hours he works anyway. TBH, if I worked full time and came home to find my OH hadn't at least prepped dinner when home all day I'd be a bit annoyed.

My suggestion was purely a question as to why she couldn't prepare something during the day as she is at home, or do batch cooking and freeze it (both could do this at the weekend)

Sounds like too many petty hassles already emerging so early in a marriage. Should be working together not driving apart.

OnlyLovers · 07/05/2014 15:28

It doesn't sound like this man needs any enabling to be a twat, he appears to be making a fairly decent stab at it all on his own

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 07/05/2014 15:34

Every one of your posts has a big fat red flag in it.

Six months married? It's definitely time for a sit down chat where you point out that while people may mistakenly get married to selfish stroppy overgrown toddlers, they tend to dump them pretty quickly.

Don't pull your punches, and certainly be prepared to bail out unless he sorts himself out fast.

BertieBotts · 07/05/2014 15:42

He's being a twat.

Best way to deal with sulkers is to pretend you haven't noticed they are sulking

Secondly - if he's getting on your tits, tell him. If he's got things stewing he needs to tell you. If his annoyances reveal him to be a sexist neanderthal twat don't seem reasonable, then talk about why this is the case.

For god's sake, don't pussyfoot around each other trying not to step on each others' toes or provoke an argument. You are married. Unless you get a divorce, that means you're spending your whole LIVES together. You really can't afford to be precious about what you say and what you don't say. You've got to thrash these things out, deal with the fall out of "you said this in the wrong way and that upset me because" as well and you might find that you start communicating. You're kind of stuck with each other. If an argument about who makes dinner is going to split you up, then you need to have it sooner rather than later, and decide if your relationship is really that fragile, whether you're (plural you) going to work to make it stronger, or whether you even want to be there at all.

Luckily, in this day and age you're not literally stuck with each other, but presumably you don't want to split up - just make sure that you know what you're actually in and that it's a team effort rather than him thinking he's the lord of the manor.

BertieBotts · 07/05/2014 15:46

And really, really, life is too short to be with someone who you can't get on with and you can't live with as who you are. If you want to invite friends over spontaneously, you should be able to do that. If he doesn't like it, then, genuinely, he should not have married somebody who likes to invite friends over spontaneously.

There are different kinds of people in the world, marriage only works when you're married to one of "your" people. Your worldview, morals, ideas about how things should happen need to be compatible. If you like to invite people over but he prefers things to be planned 6 months in advance then you are not compatible. Life is too short.

SpringBreaker · 07/05/2014 15:52

"If you want to invite friends over spontaneously, you should be able to do that. If he doesn't like it, then, genuinely, he should not have married somebody who likes to invite friends over spontaneously."

It is his house too though. Surely it depends on how often the OP has got her mates round.

Put this into a reverse. OP is unhappy because she works full time, her husband works part time, and she comes home after a long day to no dinner, no housework done, and a houseful of his mates sat chatting and drinking..

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