Well, shit. Husband sulking, not fun.

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

Background - things haven't been going great, lots of arguments and stress, and me feeling unappreciated. But things have hit a new low.

I had a couple of friends over last night - not a big deal, DH gets on well with them and we were just hanging out, chatting and having a few drinks. But he got the right arse about it, complaining that he was tired from work and wouldn't be able to sleep. Then he got annoyed because he couldn't watch what he wanted to on tv because we'd talk over it. He went to bed quite early, and was still in a strop this morning when he left for work.

I don't know what to do about this. He's welcome to have friends over whenever he likes, but he never does. And I don't like feeling like I can't do these things in my own house - if I stopped having friends over, I'd wind up bloody miserable.

I've texted him offering to cook a nice dinner tonight, and suggested he watch his show as he eats (yay for tivo!) But I've had no response. I'm worried that he's properly angry, not just ticked off, and I don't know what to do.

I don't think the OP is sitting around on pjs watching Jeremy Kyle all day whilst her husband is slaving over a desk ten hours a day. To work part time, be responsible for all the housework and all bills and household issues is actually an awful lot.

It's worrying that if he has a problem this is his way of expressing himself. Surely he should be able to sit down with you and discuss things sensibly until you reach an agreement you are both happy with. I say this as his behaviour is exactly like my ex husband's who conveniently also gave me loads of things to do with money and house and then blamed me for everything that went wrong. I left him after 7 months of marriage / 8 years in total of being bullied and sulked at with no adult conversation.

With my now husband things could not be more different. We talk about all sorts of issues and disagreements like adults and find a resolution together. We have had huge amounts of stress and money concerns but manage to find a way through. It can be done.

Don't put up with your h's behaviour. From what you've posted I'm not seeing what you get out of this? Imagine what would happen if children appear? If he can't deal with stress now then how will he cope with kids as well?

In her pjs not on. Sigh. Good luck op.

"To work part time, be responsible for all the housework and all bills and household issues is actually an awful lot."

I would disagree. I work part time, housework with no children involved and a husband out of the house all day is minimal. Bill paying? It is all on direct debit these days, or paid in seconds via the internet. Its hardly a mammoth task, and who gets numerous bills every day?

I think there may need to be more balance in the relationship. Both work full time, both share all other necessary household stuff.

I'd class paying the bills and housework as just part of everyday life. If you didn't have a partner at all they'd all still need to be done anyway. The luxury of sharing your life with someone is being able to share the ones you don't enjoy as much.

My other half can't use an iron to save her life bless her, or cook. However I don't mind ironing and love cooking. So she generally does the laundry bar ironing and runs the hoover and duster round. Bill paying is a doddle, set up the accounts online, discuss and choose your suppliers, that's basically it done.

A single parent could work full time and do everything. They might not even find it that hard. That's completely besides the point though as the issue is not how difficult it is, but whether the division of labour is fair.

Yes springbreaker it does work in reverse. If someone is a very quiet person who finds it hard to cope with company or doesn't like plans to change at the last minute then somebody who thrives on having a houseful of people and being spontaneous shouldn't marry them.

It's an exaggeration and maybe there could be a middle ground, e.g. agreeing to text if you're bringing friends home or ring to check (and if they say "I'm feeling too tired tonight" you could always go out instead). But generally if one of you is at an extreme end of the scale then you're not going to be happy if your partner I'd opposite. Somebody has to sacrifice what they want, forever. If you can't compromise so that both are genuinely happy then you're not compatible.

Be careful you don't end up like me. I have had "the girls" over to my house just twice in 16 years. The first time he made such a huge deal about him being disturbed so I never did it again. Second time, he was away overnight.

It's your home, if you want to have friends over you should be able to have friends over. As should he. All in moderation, all with respect.

But don't accept sulking, don't let him ruin your time with your friends. He's responsible for his own behavior and should have enough respect for you not to throw his toys out of the pram while your guests are there. For him to then try to blame it on "stuff you are not doing" is bullshit.

I suspect the friends being over isn't the real issue, but it would be quite bizarre if it was.

Some few years back I was in exactly the opposite position, after a period of depression, my partner didn't want to see anyone at all, it took quite some time and effort to get her back into the situation where she enjoyed having friends socially and got some sense of independence and enjoyment out of it.

By contrast, I'm over the moon when she arranges to see friends and have people over, I think it's very normal healthy thing to do. The OP definitely shouldn't feel as if it's a hinderance or a problem.

Op I rather think you are not going to heed all the warnings here but I hope you do...What worries me especially is it seems his attitude has changed " since he moved in" . Alarm bells ringing of marking his territory here. Relationships are 50/50 regardless of working patterns, earnings etc..that's just an excuse. And his behaviour re his friends is childish and if you give into it more fool you. I'm being harsh because I've been there ,bought the T shirt. He won't like it must you must stand your ground or move on.I did and it was the best bloody thing ever.He is being manipulative and will even get you to apologise for it!

It would be equally bad both ways. If you don't feel like socialising after work and can't relax when people are around, even if they are friends, then it would be horrible to have your partner bringing people home whenever they felt like it. You'd probably feel invaded and stressed out by it.

But equally if you like to socialise at home and entertain then it would be horrible to have a partner who was grumpy and moody about it or to feel that you couldn't/shouldn't invite people over because it was uncomfortable for them. So either you can compromise happily, or one person is unhappy. If compromise isn't possible then it's not a great sign for the relationship. Neither viewpoint is wrong, they're just not suited.

His viewpoint isn't necessarily wrong but his behaviour is. The adult response would be to behave perfectly whilst friends were there, then at a later point calmly explain what he didn't like and try to agree a compromise. Sulking childishly is not the way to deal with a difference of opinion.

Background - things haven't been going great, lots of arguments and stress, and me feeling unappreciated. But things have hit a new low

You have only been married six months

How long were you together before this?

Doing more household stuff due to working less? Yes. Doing everything? No chance.

You need a sit down and proper chat and sort this out or else you will be divorcing or bloody miserable in another six months.

Sorry, been down a&e all afternoon with poorly DC, so only just got back online. I have 4yo DS from a previous relationship, we've been together just over three years.

He's generally a very social person, which is why it got to me so much that he behaved this way. He doesn't do anything resembling housework barring one load of laundry a week (his work clothes) and has cooked maybe two meals in the last six months - if I'm not home, he'll order takeaway. It didn't really bother me before I went back to work, I enjoy cooking, but now I just feel like there aren't enough hours in the day.

Hit post too soon. I don't want to leave him, he's not entirely a twat, but I can't keep shouldering the bigger share of the work.

No, no, no OP. Do NOT take this. Tell him to shape up or ship out, honestly. Don't let him treat you like the fucking hired help because you have a vagina. Grrr. This makes me REALLY angry.

Honestly, if I were you, I would just tell him. The work gets shared equally or either you or he is out. And mean it. Otherwise you are looking forward to a lifetime of this shit.

So you are hard up and you are working extra hours. So he then spends the money you are working extra for to order take away rather than cook.

He then gets pissed off at you for not doing house stuff he has decided is your role.

Sounds bloody stupid.

If you have to fill your none working hours with house stuff why doesn't he do the same when you are working? Why does it all fall to you?

I think he is taking the piss.

Agreed Prima. He's not handling it in a good way.

It might be that he just felt crappy that night and felt a bit out of sorts that you had invited people over, perhaps he had some kind of sexy night, TV marathon, whatever planned and he was annoyed that he couldn't do it. That's no big deal but he needs to talk to you about it and/or admit that he's been a bit of a dick rather than sulking, especially dragging the sulking out for days on end. You shouldn't have to tread on eggshells around him. Apart from anything else it's a rubbish example to set your son.

You are feeling overworked so you need to speak to him about picking up some of the slack. Does he not even make food for DS?

Thing is "he's not entirely a twat" is all well and good but if he's a stubborn mule about this one, then in 20 years' time he might as well be an entire twat because the resentment and drudgery you'll feel will be the same.

I'm in a similar relationship situation - married 4 months, together 3.5 years, 5yo DS from previous relationship. I know how frightening the thought of disrupting that is but you really do have to push these kinds of issues - don't be a doormat. He'll either start pulling his weight or he'll show his true colours!

(I also know how crappy it is to feel like you can't raise something for fear of an argument which you don't want to have while your DC is awake! Just have to push past that one, or make time to discuss something when DS is in bed.)

He is being a twat but i hate hate hate having people in my house in the evenings, i just don't like it - i am the more sociable one out of me and DP (believe it or not). I would not however be sulking about it. If it was a common event though, i'd be pissed off.

Nice dinner? Fuck that

Op this is the sort of crap that Nigella had to deal with from the unlovely Chas Saatchi. It eventually drove her to take the action she did. It is your home too and providing you are not taking the piss and having mates around every night, he needs to see that you are just living your life. My DH sometimes has mates around unexpectedly and it drives me mad but I smile sweetly and get on with it as it's part of being married. I do the same. It's life in the raw and...normal.

Working, being responsible for the whole house and bills and all the other associated crap that comes with running a household? It sure as hell is a lot of work and responsibility, particularly when one person refuses to shoulder any of that and then turns around and continually has a go. How nice for the wonderwomen and men out there that life is as simple as setting up a few direct debits, running the hoover round once a week and doing a load of washing once in a while. If only it was that straightforward for most people.

It sounds like the OP is overwhelmed and there are probably all sorts of things in addition she is expected to deal with. Op, my dh has to do everything house wise at the moment including working and studying (for good reasons but I hope to be back soon!) and he has definitely struggled. It's not unreasonable to expect some support, especially when there's a dc concerned, and to be spoken to in an adult way if there is a problem.

The main point really is how her husband is communicating with her, or not as the case may be. It's not acceptable to pile all the responsibility for everything and then to be told off for it. The friends thing is part of an underlying issue. As shown by his response to why he was upset which had nothing to do with the friends

I feel for you and hope you get it sorted

Livingzuid - I genuinely think it's as much work and responsibility as you make it. Without kids involved (and from the OP I don't believe there are) it really isn't that much work to run a household if it's just the pair of you. The direct debits / bill paying does indeed look after itself, which leave you with actual housework and cleaning etc, and then work / cooking.

I frequently have enough time to indulge in my own hobbies, however over the last 2 weeks my partner has had the opportunity to work some extra shifts. In the last 14 nights she'll have been home 3 of them.

The house is fine, I've worked at a bare minimum 9-5 on all work days, and outside of the general house chores I've also landscaped our admittedly small garden and re-painted the downstairs bathroom. I'm not suggesting either of us are wondermen or women, but there isn't that much to it.

If you'd said you and DS had moved in with DH Dontgive it wouldn't justify his behaviour, but it might explain his bossiness about housework or resentment at you having friends over. They're not over every night I take it?

As that wasn't the case he seems to confusing the family home with a hotel. Working and bringing a wage in doesn't usually mean adults get to do little themselves but crack the whip about chores or sulk over friends paying an impromptu visit.

No, they're not over every night. One of them I see regularly, once a week if we can manage, the other less than that because of his shifts at work.

We did have a long talk last night when we got back from the hospital, and today he's tidied the living room, made DS breakfast and gave him his medicine, and I got to sleep in a bit. Just have to wait and see how long it lasts!