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Original poster

Bit of a mash mash post...boyfriend wants me out, teenager living with him issues

31 replies

Catrin80 · 07/05/2014 12:14

I have been with my boyfriend for a few months, and had to move in with him (me plus my three children) one night after my ex attacked me.

It hasn't gone well; he feels I am uninterested in him and just using him for somewhere to live, we have argued quite a lot and it's been generally quite tense, plus he has been saying he isn't ready to live together yet, he wants his life back, can't cope with the noise my children make, etc etc etc :(
He agreed to let me stay until I found somewhere else to live, but now his 14 year old needs to come and live with him as they have problems at home.

It hurts that he wants us to go, like he feels we are in the way...he was saying last night that he needs to give his child his full attention, but he works from 9am until 7pm, would have to leave work early to pick her up from her friends house where she would have gone after school, and then work from home for a couple of hours in the evening, to make up for the time he lost.

Kind of selfishly I suppose, I'm wondering how our relationship will survive; not only my dented pride from being kicked out of his house and all his friends and family knowing (as he told them all I was living with him), but also before I moved in with him, he was at my house every other night and staying over most of those times.

I said that it couldn't happen when I move out and he has his child living with him, but he seems to think she would be fine being left on her own while he comes to see me!

I'm not sure what I'm asking really, just your thoughts on how we could work seeing each other, with my three children and then his 14 year old living with him, how often would you expect to spend time with your partner in a similar situation?

Also...am I being unreasonable for being really upset and a bit annoyed that he won't even consider clearing out his office and putting a bed in there for his daughter, and us muddling through things before we find a bigger house to move to, and would rather us move out instead because he feels like my children will upset her by being too noisy?

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/05/2014 12:16

He was kind to let you stay but he's perfectly within his rights to ask you to leave. You have barely been together half a year and you are expecting him to be happy about you plus three kids living with him? Of course he needs to put his child first. It seems to me you are expecting him to rescue you and that's not fair. You need to be your own rescuer and make a stable home for you and your kids before worrying about a boyfriend.

TalisaMaegyr · 07/05/2014 12:18

Sorry, but I agree with your BF.

I can see why you're upset and all that, but you were only supposed to be staying temporarily. How long were you together before you moved in, and how long have you been there?

CoffeeTea103 · 07/05/2014 12:24

Sorry it seems like you are in a tough situation but moving in with 3 children unexpectedly doesn't give your relationship a good start.
It's fair enough he wants his daughter to live with him. 3 children is really a lot to take on and I can see why he needs his space back. Hope your other plans come through.

Jan45 · 07/05/2014 12:26

It's a big ask for anyone, including a b/f to expect him to have you and three children living with him and yes, invading his space.

No reason why you can't carry on, you just need to stand on your own two feet, find yourself a home for you and your kids and don't be relying on anyone to provide a roof for you.

You can't expect to date someone for a few months and then move your family in with them and expect everything to be great.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 07/05/2014 12:27

You were only together for "a few months" and have now forced yourself and your children upon him when you hadn't planned for it to happen. Now he appears to have more important priorities than just you. That's unfortunate but fair enough.

You find somewhere else to live and try to have some sort of relationship with him around both of your separate family commitments. If that's what you both want.

I can't find a way to blame him for this and I think he's been honest and fairly decent t you under the circs.

cantbelievethisishppening · 07/05/2014 12:31

What would you have done if you hadn't been with him when your ex attacked you?

PoundingTheStreets · 07/05/2014 13:25

I think this is a lesson on why it's never a good idea to move in with someone too quickly or out of necessity rather than desire.

I can totally understand your BF's position. Way too much way too soon. Especially for the DC too. Which isn't to say I don't understand why it happened and that I don't feel sympathy for your situation. It must have been a very difficult time and moving in with your BF must have felt like an easy solution.

The trouble is that you've created a situation in which cohabitation has become the yardstick to measure the health of your relationship and this isn't the right time or the right circumstances to be using that sort of yardstick. Now it's done however, you are never going to be able to interpret his wish for you to leave as anything other than a personal rejection.

If you can change the way you feel about living together and view it purely as a temporary arrangement, you might have a chance. But even if you can do that rationally, I strongly suspect your emotions won't follow suit.

Sorry. Flowers

meditrina · 07/05/2014 13:33

He said your moving in was only temporary, and he meant it.

How has the house hunting been going so far? You need to establish yourself properly, and then you can see where this relationship is going.

FWIW, I think it is right be gives a high priority to his DC's well-being.

TalisaMaegyr · 07/05/2014 13:34

You know it shows him in a really good light as a dad, right?

QuintsKazooo · 07/05/2014 13:38

I dont understand why your ex attacking you meant you had to give up your and your childrens home and move in with a brand spanking new boyfriend you had literally just met! Why not deal with the issue of your ex?

Original poster
Catrin80 · 07/05/2014 13:55

Hi, no sorry I forgot to say that we had been talking about moving in together prior to this happening with my ex. He brought it up, seemed really into it, talked about the things we could do together as a family, how he would sort the bedrooms out, all this kind of thing.

Then I stayed the weekend and we argued a lot as I had other stuff on my mind, so he said we shouldn't live together just yet, and I agreed.

And then my ex did this, I told him just because I was shaken up and he immediately said I was going to come and live with him, permanently.
However, he did say that If he couldn't handle it or I couldn't, then I would have to find an alternative place to live.

I suppose I just wanted it to work, and I'm really not sure if I can carry on being in the relationship with him after we tried living together and it didn't work.

His daughter...how he worded it to the mother of the child is that it'll just be for a few weeks, to allow her to calm down and get the bad behaviour out of her system, not a permanent thing.

I don't know, I think it's just that he sees us as a burden and that we would negatively impact on his daughter that is my issue, stupid pride I guess.

OP posts:
QuintsKazooo · 07/05/2014 14:31

I reckon he got cold feet as he barely know you and the kids. Moving in together after just a few months is way too soon. Some people wait 3-6 months before they introduce a new boyfriend to their children, and would give it a year at least before they even thought about moving in together.

I am afraid you have both been swept off your feet and let the idea of romance and family life cloud your better judgement. Too fast, too much, too soon.

Please in future think about providing some stability for your kids as a first priority, not chasing rainbows and pipe dreams.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 07/05/2014 14:32

You need to get yourself on the local housing list or look for a private rental. At least then the place will be yours and yours alone and no-one will tell you to leave.

To be fair, your boyfriend was only helping you out temporarily, it was good of him to do what he's already done!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/05/2014 14:43

So he's just as culpable by suggesting you move in far too soon with little forethought. You still need to move out and I hope you've realised that moving your children in with a boyfriend if a few months is pretty dubious parenting.

TalisaMaegyr · 07/05/2014 14:58

Listen, he was doing you a favour because you were in trouble and upset. He's changed his mind because he can't handle it. Why can't you continue the relationship in separate houses? God knows I sometimes wish me and DP did! Wink

minniemagoo · 07/05/2014 15:08

Sorry it sounds like he gave living together a shot and it's not working out for him.
Either he really wants to go back to you each having your own place and a FWB style relationship or he's waiting for you to move out before breaking up to minimise drama.
Maybe a proper where is this going conversation, either way I don't think he's up to a family situation with your and his kids.

Jan45 · 07/05/2014 15:12

It takes a certain individual, male or female to take on three kids that are not theirs, seriously, give him another chance, you could try living together in the future, doesn't mean you can't still date.

NickiFury · 07/05/2014 15:34

I cannot begin to describe how desperate I would feel if a boyfriend of only several months standing moved in with his three kids. I think you really need to face up to the fact that he has done nothing wrong at all and this is not personal to you and your dc.

YouDontDoHumanityDoYou · 07/05/2014 16:25

"am I being unreasonable for being really upset and a bit annoyed that he won't even consider clearing out his office and putting a bed in there for his daughter, and us muddling through things before we find a bigger house to move to"

Yes. It's his daughter's home, whether she's lived with her mother up til now or not. You don't just clear the office and put a bed in there for your own child. You don't put your girlfriend or her children first.

Where would your three children be sleeping while his own daughter has been demoted to a bed put up in an office?

You made the rash decision to move your three children in with a man you hardly know. I appreciate the circumstances in which it was done but there would have been alternatives and I'm sorry to say that the choice you made was poor parenting. He's putting his child first, now it's time that you do the same for yours. Find a home where they can be secure and have your undivided attention when they must greatly need it.

You can still date your boyfriend. His daughter will be able to be left for an evening while you meet for dinner, cinema, drinks etc and you'll have the time to really get to know him without pressure on either of you and without making both sets of children feel they're coming second to your relationship.

rinabean · 07/05/2014 16:35

"You don't just clear the office and put a bed in there for your own child. You don't put your girlfriend or her children first."

Yeah you're right, build her her own house or it's child abuse!! Are home offices something different in your world because in mine they're a converted bedroom. So converting it back to a bedroom is really not a weird exclusionary cruel neglectful thing.

OP I'm sorry for your situation but you'd be better off without him. No-one would ever tell me I'm "using them for somewhere to live" and still be loved by me. And he is definitely not putting his daughter first if he's going to leave her all the time to visit you. Do the best thing for yourself, your children and his daughter and get rid of him.

TalisaMaegyr · 07/05/2014 16:42

rinabean, do you really think he's being unreasonable? He's made it clear that he doesn't want to live together, that he finds it hard, and that he has to prioritise his own daughter. All that sounds perfectly reasonable to me!

PoundingTheStreets · 07/05/2014 16:45

I don't think anyone is the bad guy here. The BF isn't a heartless bastard who's kicking his GF out on to the streets anymore than the GF is an unfit mother for moving in with her BF so quickly. It's just a situation where two people made a rash decision in difficult circumstances and in doing so pushed their relationship to a level of commitment it wasn't ready for.

Whether they can go back a few steps and carry on at a slower pace or whether that horse has already bolted remains to be seen.

YouDontDoHumanityDoYou · 07/05/2014 17:26

If you think that's all there is to it rinabean then fine, you're right.

If you can't see beyond the mere re-converting of an office back to a bedroom, well, you can't. That doesn't mean that it's that simple, it just means that you're possibly unable to see the bigger picture or maybe that you're the sort of person who thinks that a girlfriend and her children should come ahead of a person's own (troubled) child. I can't help the way you see it, I can only say it as I see it.

The boyfriend's teenaged daughter has problems at the moment. She needs security, she needs her parents' support. In my view that takes priority and if that means making her feel more important than being just an afterthought in her own home while her dad's girlfriend's kids take first dibs on his accommodation and his time, money and everything else he needs to share with someone else and someone else's children, then that's what needs to be done. IMHO.

vettles · 07/05/2014 19:08

Can't you go back to where you were living before, or was that with your ex?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 07/05/2014 19:15

OP, I doubt it's just about where his DD sleeps,, he will have mor emotional energy for her if it's just the two of them.