Bit of a mash mash post...boyfriend wants me out, teenager living with him issues

[Catrin80]

I have been with my boyfriend for a few months, and had to move in with him (me plus my three children) one night after my ex attacked me.

It hasn't gone well; he feels I am uninterested in him and just using him for somewhere to live, we have argued quite a lot and it's been generally quite tense, plus he has been saying he isn't ready to live together yet, he wants his life back, can't cope with the noise my children make, etc etc etc :(
He agreed to let me stay until I found somewhere else to live, but now his 14 year old needs to come and live with him as they have problems at home.

It hurts that he wants us to go, like he feels we are in the way...he was saying last night that he needs to give his child his full attention, but he works from 9am until 7pm, would have to leave work early to pick her up from her friends house where she would have gone after school, and then work from home for a couple of hours in the evening, to make up for the time he lost.

Kind of selfishly I suppose, I'm wondering how our relationship will survive; not only my dented pride from being kicked out of his house and all his friends and family knowing (as he told them all I was living with him), but also before I moved in with him, he was at my house every other night and staying over most of those times.

I said that it couldn't happen when I move out and he has his child living with him, but he seems to think she would be fine being left on her own while he comes to see me!

I'm not sure what I'm asking really, just your thoughts on how we could work seeing each other, with my three children and then his 14 year old living with him, how often would you expect to spend time with your partner in a similar situation?

Also...am I being unreasonable for being really upset and a bit annoyed that he won't even consider clearing out his office and putting a bed in there for his daughter, and us muddling through things before we find a bigger house to move to, and would rather us move out instead because he feels like my children will upset her by being too noisy?

Sounds like he just wants you and your children out. So go. If he wants the relationship to continue, you'll be in a better position to judge if you want that, if you have a place of your own.

Whatever he said about living together, you said it was clearly temporary.

You're totally focusing on the wrong stuff here, getting into a tizz about dented pride.

I've got stuff in my fridge older than your relationship when you moved in! (yeah, i need to clear it out!) So there's nothing pride denting about saying "yeah, it was fab that he helped me out in a spot, be good to get back to normality though".

It's fair enought to end it of this has thrown up that you're not fundamentally compatible. But if it's the stresses of moving too fast, it's silly to have a hissy fit and end things because he doesn't want to live together so soon.

Move out, date.

I'm not sure you have a future with him, you're sounding quite mean about him. Like pointing out his long hours when saying he wants to look after his daughter, or suggesting he'd dump her to come and see you. Lots of parents work, but daily contact still takes place. And 14yos can be left. It may be she needs a calm space away from her mum, rather than hours every day 1:1 with dad. I think you're being a bit mean digging at him on here over that.

Yes that's true Cabrinha.

Can't remember who mentioned the daughter being demoted to an office, well I can see why it might seem that way but the office was her bedroom apparently, up until a few years back when my bf converted it to his office, and his daughter slept in the spare room (double bed, no storage, neutral brown/beige decor and duvet set, no curtains). It wasn't ever kitted out for her as a proper bedroom, and when we originally talked about moving in together, he said basically that all rooms could be taken by my children and his daughter would just bunk in the office (which would've been my daughters room) when she stayed over once a fortnight.
It was actually me that convinced him that his daughter would need the office as her bedroom, and that it needed to be decorated properly, with at least a decent duvet cover or something so it feels more like 'hers'.
So I do understand that girls that age need their own space.

I suppose I was just thinking that all the children are at school all day, mine go to bed at 7pm which is when my bf and his daughter would get home anyway, then by 9pm I am exhausted due to waking at 5am, whereas he and his daughter are proper night owls, so they would get time together without me or my children, then.
And at weekends, I thought I would take my children out for the day at least one day each weekend.

But you're right, it's emotional energy he needs to invest in his daughter.

Trouble is, he's told some of his friends that I'm living with him, so again my pride comes into play when he tells them I had to move out again.

But why pride?

"Catrin has moved out to give me and DD more space and time to work through her issues"

That make you look caring and understanding, surely??

I still don't get why you give a monkeys what his friends think?

You need to protect yourself dear OP. Never trust a man just by the words that he says, SEE his actions, and judge him against his actions only. It will speak a thousand word. If you are not certain of his own capabilities and so forth, then do not burden him more, or put trust in him in dealing with certain aspect of things which you had done before. If things go well, then it would be obvious for all to see. If he "bragged" to his friends and families without your permission, then do you think that he is a person that actually can deal with respecting another person's opinion and take their wishes into accounts ? Why not see it that way instead? At the moment, you may have an idea of "how things may work out in my mind". Is it reasonable ? Well, it is not unreasonable to have these kind of "solutions" in one's mind. But will the reality work out that way ? It can only ever work out that way, if you put in the effort, as well as he puts in the effort to turn your dream come true. If he cannot give, or offer to give, then he is just as selfish really. Not a giving person overall.

Does that answer your own question ?

To me, I have to deal with this in dating life, never mind committed relationships. I come to realise one thing in life is that, nobody likes to do the mean thing, or to be harsh. If something is not likely to be doable, and if the person is not capable, then why push them to their own extremes ? Putting high expectation on so many people is pointless. Good things do not come from those kind of situations.