Constant, relentless misery

[Gwladgwlad]

Nothing makes my DP happy and I have reached the point where I don't know what to do. Our house has become a place of relentless shouting and I am really scared of the effect its having on the kids- to the point where I feel I am not being a good mum by not protecting them from the shouting.
DP is angry all the time, has no patience, swears and shouts and there is just no peace in the house ever. I was raised in an unhappy household & lots of my childhood memories are of rows. I have a DS 6 and a DD 2 and I can see its affecting them- DS is emotional a lot.
I hate it- i feel trapped by his misery & don't know what to do. We have been together 15 yrs and I realise now that since we have had kids, a lot if my energy goes on making sure DP doesnt over-react. I have endlessly tried talking but its reached the point where he can't even hold a conversation. I dont want my kids to think that this is how normal adults behave. I just want some mental peace for me & my kids. We have fun when DP isnt there and I feel like I can breathe again. DP says its his job making him stressed but I feel like he can't control his anger around us.
Don't know what to do!

What would he be like outside home?? Eg, day out or on holiday???

You need to take the children and leave OP. It must have taken a lot for you to get to this point.

Do you have family? Friends?

Do you get to have a break as a couple?? Maybe he is trapped by fatherhood role??

Outside the home its not as bad but we never go a day without several incidents. He can be bad in the car and screamed at me frightening the kids recently. I feel like I can't take much more of it really. He has older kids too so this is his second roll of the dice and yet we don't seem to make him happy either!

I spent years walking on eggshells with my ex in what sounds a similar situation he was depressed but refused to accept this and instead said he was "stressed". His volatility got to the point that the children and I went into a women's refuge. Get help before it escalates e.g. GP and if they try to medicate you to deal with him change your GP I DID!

Time to leave, or even better make him leave. Put your dc first and stop making them live in an awful atmosphere daily.

Your p is at fault here, he should grow up and behave in an acceptable way.

End of the line. Both of you need to stop subjecting your kids to this toxic atmosphere. You have a choice here, they do not.

You shouldn't take any more. Jesus, I can't imagine what this is like for your children.

This atmosphere isn't healthy for kids to be around.

He needs to face up to consequences, Have you tried Relate??? You can chat online, you don't need to see them face to face.

I wonder if his anger and aggression was the reason his last relationship broke up??!

What is keeping you still within this?. What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You know what to do so act decisively and soon. You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Is this really the model of a relationship you want them to see and reference from as adults, of course not and you have stated as much. Your children are already being affected by their dysfunctional home life.

Act for them and put your children first. This man needs to be gone from your day to day lives. What sort of childhood memories are they forming currently?.

If its got to the point where you literally can't talk to him then only actions will do the talking.

Don't know what to do!

You do know what to do.

How are you going to do it?

a lot of my energy goes on making DP doesn't overrreact
That was me 4 months ago and for about a year previously, add three tiny DC to the mix and I was constantly exhausted. The tiniest inocuous thing could set stbxh off and I spent my time either making sure there was nothing to set him off, or spent the rest of the day/night/week placating him. Horrendous.

It's 4 months since I told him I'd leave if something didn't change and two weeks later I was looking for somewhere to live. DC (3yo and 18mo twins) and I have a lovely peaceful home together, no stbxh shouting or swearing or storming around frightening us. No more walking on eggshells. No more tying myself in knots trying to keep him calm. The feeling of liberation, like a huge opressive cloud has lifted, is amazing. I'm not suggesting that leaving is the right thing for you, but it was definitely the right thing for us. But if you feel like you've taken as much as you can, I do think that for you and your DC it's probably time to start considering it.

"DP says its his job making him stressed but I feel like he can't control his anger around us."

If he has a stressful job he could either change job, seek medical treatment or find ways to reduce and deal with the stress. It is not an excuse to bring home angry, intimidating & bullying behaviour.

A test for whether someone has 'anger issues' or is simply choosing to bully and intimidate their family is how that person behaves towards people outside the home. How does he treat other people he comes across in life? Does he swear and shout at shop assistants, for example? Reduce people to tears? If you spoke to a work colleague or a next door neighbour would they describe him as unpleasant and aggressive or 'a nice bloke'?

If you're happier when he's not there, suggest that's going to be what you aim for long term.

I have a lovely peaceful home together, no stbxh shouting or swearing or storming around frightening us. No more walking on eggshells. No more tying myself in knots trying to keep him calm. The feeling of liberation, like a huge oppressive cloud has lifted, is amazing.

I have to second this comment from CurtWild as this is my situation as well. It's been almost a year and the difference is unbelievable. The DCs are more confident and less anxious, and I don't have to spend the day defusing every little situation and calming STBXH down and stepping in when he's shouting at the DCs. In short, it's a normal family dynamic again - although it's just myself and the DCs.

STBXH had numerous opportunities to stop, but progressed into physical abuse and I had to make him leave. I don't regret it for an instant.

We are all under stress at some time or other in our lives, do we all make everyone around us miserable and nervous, no.

Home is supposed to be a sanctuary, not a battleground. If it's work pressure at the bottom of this, tiredness, stress, whatever, you and the DCs are feeling it too. If he can leave those stresses behind as he walks through the door he can rest and recover. If he feels worn out or finding it difficult to cope, can he see his GP? If he lets go at work like he does in your four walls then he will lose employment.

It will affect the DCs, if not already - how can it not. They hear the noise, they soon pick up on the fact that Daddy coming home = tension, upset. Mummy not being listened to or respected.

Verbal abuse could escalate to physical abuse. You can't possibly feel safe at home with DP but is there anywhere you can go with DCs to ensure that you're not at risk?

Lay it on the line, tell him that you can't go on like this. His behaviour is unacceptable. You know he can't be happy, you wouldn't have been with him this long if you hadnt loved him, his life matters and you have tried to keep things going. But he's changed and now you have to put your DCs and yourself first since he doesn't seem to. If he isn't willing to go and speak to someone about his temper and perpetual anger then you can't see how you can continue being with him.

He is just an angry man who takes it all out on you, you don't have to put up with this, you'd be a lot happier away from him, as would your kids, you know that.

If you do not get out and start protecting your kids from this, they will grow up blaming you too. They'll dislike him, and they'll probably dislike and despise you just as much for not getting out and not protecting them when they were too young to vote with their feet.

If you want a good relationship with them yourself in years to come, you need to leave ASAP.

OP, listen to Bruno

This is exactly what happened to me as a child. I live less than 3 miles away from my mum. We have a strained and very shallow relationship. I hate my dad for how he was through my childhood but I have less respect for her. She is still with him. He is still a cunt to her after 40+ years of marriage. I ran out of undersatnding and patience about how she lets him treat her when I was about 15. That's about as much time as you have to hold onto the relationship you should have had with your dc, if you are lucky. Think on.

You've given it your best shot over years. Go now. Your kids deserve better, as do you, and none of you will get it with him.

I'm sorry you're so miserable.

To come back to your OP, you do know what you have to do (leave) you're just badly in need of support to find the strength to do that. the longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave, so don't waste too much time trying to 'prepare', but it's ok to be daunted and not feel ready; it's ok to need a little time to get your head around it and make some concrete plans about how to leave.

When you're ready to talk about the actual process of leaving, post again and people can give you specific advice about how to make sure you're getting all the financial help you need, how to make sure your housing position is secure, how to deal with issues about the DC, etc.

Good luck.

Have you had the 'I can see how unhappy you are so what can you do to change this' conversation.

If he's not a nasty man at the core and just fallen into the trap of behaving in a nasty way then maybe acknowledging his unhappiness but saying you both need to work out what to do to make things better because things aren't sustainable as they are may be enough to make him see how bad he's got.

My DH had this a few years back. At every turn it was the old excuse of 'I can't because...' Ended by something to do with work. It took for him to go through his grieviences and lack of fulfilling home life to realise for himself that his work was all encompassing and affecting everything else negatively. He loves his job but was so focused in it that all balance and reason had gone.

Since then, things improved but at times his enthusiasm to his work blinds him to the effect on everything else but and he needs reminding he's reverting back to being cunty again!

Of course, all I can do is relate my own experience with a good man who lost his way and is in danger of becoming a grade A twat as a result of the job he loves but is demanding. Your husband might not be a good man behaving badly, he might just be a bad madness ahowing his true colours. What do you think? None of us know, you are the best placed to answer that.

This may be harsh but how, HOW can you subject 2 small children, your own babies, to their dad screaming aggressively at their mum, not even once or twice but often. This is such a toxic and frightening environment for them that they have no control over. You are the adult and you bet your bottom dollar that it is YOUR responsibility as a careful and loving mum to take them out of this environment. Let alone how shit this must make you feel. Act now before they become more damaged:( very very sad.

Thanks for all your posts- it is helping me to get clarity. I spoke to P last night about toxic environment in our hone, about the effect in the kids, about how it can't go on. I didnt get much response- remorse possible- but not much response. I did ask him if he thought he was depressed.

I feel extremely empty right now- like there is nothing left and I feel nothing for P- it was almost a struggle to even say all of that to him. I have spent so long trying to hold everything up and right now I have nothing left!

If you have nothing left it's because you're getting nothing back. 'Remorse possible' and no response .... given that you'd presented him with some very hard-hitting information about his behaviour affecting the DCs and that the future of the relationship was in the balance.... sounds like the equivalent of shrugged shoulders.

He really doesn't seem to care and there's not a lot you can do with that.