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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

apparently i should get a job, but i dont want to. so what sort of job can i get??

82 replies

stitch · 27/08/2006 22:40

dh is always tellinjg me tog et a job. because apparently i sit around on my arse all day and be a parasit to him.
my family think i should gte a job to get my confidence back and showw him just how much i do at home. etc.

i used to teach. but really dont want. also, i dont know about taking orders. and office politics. and what can i do anyways. i dont want to teach. i went to university and am numerate, used to be computer literate, but now all my it experience revolves round googling and mumsnet.
any suggestions?

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 27/08/2006 23:12

How about bank accounts do you have joint accounts, in which case pay off your credit cards in full immediately and cut them up.

1Baby1Bump · 27/08/2006 23:12

he sounds like a controlling maniac to me.
maybe you should switch jobs for a bit?!

sansouci · 27/08/2006 23:12

Are you crazy, m'dear?! don't let anyone abuse you just to get them to shut up sooner. Walk out, or (better) throw your numbnuts h out, fgs!!!

Ulysees · 27/08/2006 23:12

Sorry hun but have you got Welcome written on your forehead? Don't mean to be harsh...ok I'm always a bit blunt....but he's a twat. You need to wake up hun. No doubt your reg mn mates have told you this until they're blue in the fingertips??

Hope you manage to get the help you need xx

Ulysees · 27/08/2006 23:14

Where do you live? I'd gladly come round and kick the s... out of him whilst you were packing your bag. I am female btw, not some hairy trucker Just get furious when I hear of bully bxxxxxxs. My dad was one and my mam put up with it all his life.

Ulysees · 27/08/2006 23:15

fuzzy, I very much doubt this guy has allowed her to have a joint account.

I may be wrong but.....

Original poster

stitch · 27/08/2006 23:15

the bloke in admission impossible is someone we know. he thought what the guy did was right and admirable. but my dh wouldnt sit down and coach ds1. he just yells at me for not doing it. at least if he sat down and coached him it would be something positive. instead he belittles him quite a bit.
fuz, he took the ring back at the end of a long session of yelling at me, when i just wouldnt rise to the bait, and argue back with him. he's not used to me not arguing back. especially when he is being as nasty as he was. it was done as a last ditch effort to get me to react. because if i react, then i completely lose it, end up in tears, screaming shouting etc etc. been even known to try hitting him! and then he can justify himself. iyswim

OP posts:

JessaJam · 27/08/2006 23:18

but if you don't 'fight back' or walk/chuck him out aren't you in danger of just internalising it all, becoming totally submissive, accepting it and having a shit life...?

fuzzywuzzy · 27/08/2006 23:19

Stitch could you consider life away from him???

What's he going to do with your ring....wear it???

JessaJam · 27/08/2006 23:19

Isn't that what physically abusive men do? Beat their wife up and then say "look what you made me do"?

Ulysees · 27/08/2006 23:19

Right, last word then I'm getting off my numb bum and going to bed. Your son will end up like dh.

take care stich, be strong girl, love and hugs xxx

1Baby1Bump · 27/08/2006 23:19

im sorry but imho it sounds like he has beaten you down so many times you have no fight left.
when u said you are an arse because when he shows you a tiny amount of love you forget how horrid he is or whatever it was.
that is just proof! he knows thats all he has to do. you are desperate to be loved and that is not a marriage/relationship.

he is making my blood boil and i dont even know him!

Original poster

stitch · 27/08/2006 23:20

no joint account.
joint mortgage certainly!
i use his credit card for grocery shoppiing and boden! etc.
ive cut up one card, and am seriously thinking about cutting up the other one. i made them to make my life easier. so i didnt have to run to him for every penny.
my sis told me to get my self esteem back, get a job, so he and me see me as the person i was before we got married. she aslso thinks something is going on with him, aand wants to know what that is.

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 27/08/2006 23:21

Did she say what she thinks might be wrong with him??
Btw have emailed you.

SherlockLGJ · 27/08/2006 23:21

Stitch

Was this an arranged marriage ??

I know lots of arranged happy unions, but this is a bag of shite, to be quite honest.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/08/2006 23:23

Well I agree with your sister, apart from one aspect...

YOu DO need to get your self esteem back, it probably WOULD do you good to get a job.

BUT you should be doing it for YOU, not him. Besides, it doesnt make sense for you to gain your self esteem so that HE is better.....

A silent revolution is what's needed here....

So, can we help you to plot....?

Original poster

stitch · 27/08/2006 23:23

thats the other thing my sister said.

which is probly why he is taking them to see his mom os much nowadays because there has never been that much interaction with my family as they have always lived abroad. now htey are here, and i think he feels that they see my family too much.

OP posts:

PinkTulips · 27/08/2006 23:26

if your going to have to go out and work anyway to support your kids than what the hell do you need him for?

get a job, set up an account in YOUR name, siphon money into it and as soon as you have enough for deposit on a house to rent....LEAVE.

it'll either be the start of a new and better life for you and your kids or it'll make him realise that he simply cannot behave in such a way if he wants to have his family around him.

fattiemumma · 27/08/2006 23:27

didn;t he bvuy you a rng a few weeks ago? i thought all was rosey.

sorry if i am being out of line here but do you think this change of attitude towards you have a deeper meaning? that he has had an affair?

sorry its just that he seem's to have suddenly gone from loving hubby to complete tosser.

you shoudl get a job, get some of YOU back so that you dont feel so reliant on him. stop being just wife and mother and feel like stitch again.
then you will have found enough confidence to tell him to bugger off.!!

Original poster

stitch · 27/08/2006 23:27

vvv
no lgj, it wasnt an arranged marriage. part of the problem really. a lot of the earlier battles were because things changed when we got married. livign with in laws, baby straight away, financial worries. loss of independance and income, (mine) etc etc.

ok, plan forward. i get a temp job through an agency. if i go in whilst being strong, then i should get one fairly easily. but what about childcare, should i just present it as a fait accompoli to him, and tell him to organise childcare for the kdis himself? sor t of dump them on him?

OP posts:

sansouci · 27/08/2006 23:28

He's a bum & you know it. Who cares what he wants or thinks? He's got you wrapped around his finger! Break free!

serenity · 27/08/2006 23:28

You need and deserve someone who loves you all the time stitch, not just once in a blue moon.

I do think that a job of some sort would help though. Not because it's what he wants, but because I think you need some time away from the home to rediscover yourself, to regain the sense of self worth and self confidence that he's stripped from you.

I hope you can find something.

fuzzywuzzy · 27/08/2006 23:30

Leave the kids with ihm. Do not even propose finding childcare or paying for it, he can deal with it.....

And find a way to pay off the credit cards in your name ....

Original poster

stitch · 27/08/2006 23:30

fm, he did buy me a ring. everything just sort of went downhill again after that.
tenth wedding anniversary. ds2 got badly hurt in the eye. dd got hurt the next day. and a downwards piral between us..
sister thinks an affair is a probability. i dont think so.

OP posts:

JessaJam · 27/08/2006 23:31

I'd be tempte dto sort ot all out without involving him at all...fine he still lives with you, but if he's goinmg to be such a twat then leave him to it and live around him for a while.

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