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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex (much, much TMI, sorry)

37 replies

ChameNanging · 06/05/2014 16:39

I am posting as I wonder if anyone else has experienced the same issue and how they've dealt with it.

My fantastic new boyfriend (32) has trouble ejaculating, and can do so through regular sex maybe 20% of the time. Maybe another 40% of the time he can finish through manual stimulation, either by me or him. He's a loving and attentive and very hot partner and puts a lot of effort into making me cum, but though I am trying not to take it personally - and he's assured me it isn't personal and has always happened for him - but I am beginning to feel a bit inadequate. I would say he's incredible in bed so it's not like I'm having a bad time, but I worry he is.

He was single for six years before me so I think he has got used to the rougher feeling of masturbation, also he is circumcised, which I haven't had experience of in a previous boyfriend but I've read can also desensitise a man's er, manhood. He has suggested anal which I haven't done before but am up for trying, but I don't want to end up feeling that my vagina isn't enough, iyswim! I'm 28 and have had no children so I hope it isn't to do with me physically...

Anyone been through this? What can we try to either make him more sensitive or me tighter? Or forget about it at least?

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 06/05/2014 16:44

He's a porn hound I guess. I would suggest he swears of masturbation entirely to try to re calibrate his sensitivity. It's nothing to do with your vagina and don't assume that anal is the answer. Sure your arse will be tighter but he won't be able to mimic the wanker death grip without hurting you. IME anal has to be gentle and careful to be nice for me and that's not what his dick is used to.

newsecretidentity · 06/05/2014 16:47

I've had experience with this. It helped to be relaxed and open minded... and then go on the lovehoney website to try out lots of different things to help out. Something like a penis pump might increase his sensitivity, a vibro ring might help too.

Can't hurt to try!

MrsWolowitz · 06/05/2014 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frecklefootie · 06/05/2014 16:50

Erm, sorry to be the voice of doom but it's actually a well-known issue - google it: it's not going to go away.

Again, sorry to be the voice of doom, but I have heard it often causes issues in the relationship further down the line.

The root cause is psychological, on HIS part, so I wouldn't contort yourself into trying to sort out his issue.

I know of a guy who had this whose marriage broke down. I think it was mother issues he couldn't get past, so he had problems relaxing with women, he just couldn't do "it".

He wouldn't even admit there was a problem, and its not like he was old, so it was like they never, ever, had "proper sex".

His wife left him. He was incredibly distressed by this, and ended up very bitter and twisted. But I think after spending the duration of the marriage pretending it was "ok" and hiding her own feelings to protect HIS issues, she was just happy to find someone who could come with no problems.

handfulofcottonbuds · 06/05/2014 16:55

Firstly, it is nothing to do with you, your size or your technique.

Secondly, I agree with PP that it can sometimes happen when responding to too much porn or being too vigorous in his own pleasuring.

Thirdly, He has suggested anal which I haven't done before but am up for trying, but I don't want to end up feeling that my vagina isn't enough

^Really^ Hmm

handfulofcottonbuds · 06/05/2014 16:56

How long have you been together?

Has he made any attempts to resolve his problem?

Crinkle77 · 06/05/2014 16:58

My partner is also circumcised and he takes a lot longer too so it may just be that although my fella has never suggested anal.

vertec · 06/05/2014 17:08

Single for 6 years and the suggestion of anal to "solve" the problem would point strongly to porn being the issue here.

I imagine he is mentally desensitised to a real live woman, and needs a taste of the extreme that he has been enjoying in porn to get him off.

A frank conversation is probably required.

Original poster
ChameNanging · 06/05/2014 17:15

Thanks for all the replies!

We have talked about it a couple of times and my first response was also to think a heavy/long term porn use is the reason behind it. To be honest, I don't think using porn is that unusual and it doesn't bother me, but I think he's not going to suddenly be sensitive after abstaining for a few weeks. It's getting better.

I don't think it's a "problem" as such, we still have great sex, just something that could be worked on as I can tell he finds it frustrating sometimes, and the afterglow is always nice to have.

The anal thing is actually something I've wanted to try for ages and was suggested amongst other things we'd like to do to each other Grin I don't feel pressured but have heard from male friends that they like it as it's a tighter sensation, which I can tell my boyfriend likes.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 06/05/2014 17:20

Yes he will probably like anal as it's a tighter space of course.

Using porn isn't that unusual (sadly), using it to the point where you can't actually perform in real life is.

You may just have to accept this is the way he is, it's not as though you're not having fun anyway.

handfulofcottonbuds · 06/05/2014 17:24

Sorry for the use of the word 'problem', I was trying to think of another way of putting it but then I thought even though you are having a good time, if you are wondering whether he's enjoying it then it may be a problem.

Original poster
ChameNanging · 06/05/2014 18:34

Thanks again for all the replies!

freckiefootie actually I don't think it's psychological, or at least I think it's more physical. It's getting better too and we are really open so I hope he's not hiding some deep issue.

handfulofcottonbuds sorry, I think I was a bit defensive there! I feel like he doesn't see it as a problem so I need to stop worrying, because worry will turn it into a problem.

Crinkle77 that is really interesting, how long is a lot longer?

newsecretidentity are you still together or did it end up causing problems for you?

OP posts:
liquidstatehasrisenagain · 06/05/2014 20:07

My DH is circumcised and this can lessen the feeling for them. He was single for ages before we met and it took a while to become more sensitive so lots of 'hard' masturbation had obviously taken place. He doesnt do porn (computer illiterate and too embarrassed to buy magazines).

Its all fine now.

Original poster
ChameNanging · 06/05/2014 20:49

Thanks liquid that's good to hear. I think things are getting better for us too Smile

OP posts:
Mugg1ns · 06/05/2014 20:51

I've heard.that some women don't achieve orgasm through PIV either.

crispyporkbelly · 06/05/2014 21:34

I used to date a circumcised guy once, took him ages to orgasm yawn

Essexmanview · 06/05/2014 21:40

To a couple of posters who mention circumcision, I would point out that a circumcised penis is much healthier and cleaner for a woman. I am partly Jewish and male so can speak from experience.

crispyporkbelly · 06/05/2014 21:43

I like mine with a foreskin, as it was intended, but thank you

:)

lavenderhoney · 06/05/2014 21:52

Well, I have no idea about anal sex, but if its the last chance saloon and he likes it and you don't, that's the next 50 years of doing it or sorting out the real problem isn't it? Or of course, splitting up.

There's not much he can do about being circumcised, since it was done without his permission when he was a baby, I expect.

Chapsview · 06/05/2014 22:50

Maybe - just maybe - as he says - it is not a problem for him and he is not bothered? Maybe he just loves spending the time making his hot new girlfriend come?
Personally coming is not the be all and end all - nothing to do with"hard wanking" or excessive porn use (how people without penises are such expert astonishes me). Coming is something I can do on my own if I fancy it and is all well, and good - now making my hot new girlfriend come (DW might well complain!!! But) that is real pleasure!
If it really bothers you tell him you love what he does to you and would like to return the pleasure - I can sure you it is not you causing a problem - he is loving having a great time giving you pleasure. Just a Chapsview.

Fairenuff · 06/05/2014 22:55

I think he's not going to suddenly be sensitive after abstaining for a few weeks

You think but you don't know. Seems to me that this would be a very simple thing to rule out. No porn or wanking and then have sex. I bet he has no trouble ejaculating after a few days of, well, not.

Why not try that, it might solve all his problems. If not, then look into other reasons but it seems a sensible place to start.

Eekaman · 06/05/2014 23:55

Single for six years and a new seemingly very enthusiastic partner.

Of course things are going to take some time settling down. I'd have thought it would have been more likely to have been, ''he cums too quickly'' after 6 years off, in which case, no doubt MN would blame his excessive porn use. :(

OP, relax, go with the flow, have fun and stop stressing.

SelectAUserName · 07/05/2014 00:50

This may or may not be relevant, but some medication - including anti-depressants - can affect the ability to ejaculate. It might not be a purely psychological problem.

PigletJohn · 07/05/2014 01:35

How's his weight and fitness? How much alcohol and substance use? Any prescription drugs? Are sunday mornings more successful than saturday nights?

The topic "I/my partner often doesn't reach orgasm through PIV sex" is extremely common and it's refreshing to see such a different set of responses on this thread.

arsenaltilidie · 07/05/2014 08:19

Wanting to try anal has nothing to do with your vagina, he wants to try it because he is a man and most men will want to try it at some point.

"He was single for six years before me so I think he has got used to the rougher feeling of masturbation, also he is circumcised*

Yes that's THE problem, he is used to his tight grip masturbation and the fact he is circumcised doesn't help either especially if he has a dry glans.

He needs to STOP masturbating and I can guarantee he will cum in a couple of weeks.