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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex (much, much TMI, sorry)

37 replies

ChameNanging · 06/05/2014 16:39

I am posting as I wonder if anyone else has experienced the same issue and how they've dealt with it.

My fantastic new boyfriend (32) has trouble ejaculating, and can do so through regular sex maybe 20% of the time. Maybe another 40% of the time he can finish through manual stimulation, either by me or him. He's a loving and attentive and very hot partner and puts a lot of effort into making me cum, but though I am trying not to take it personally - and he's assured me it isn't personal and has always happened for him - but I am beginning to feel a bit inadequate. I would say he's incredible in bed so it's not like I'm having a bad time, but I worry he is.

He was single for six years before me so I think he has got used to the rougher feeling of masturbation, also he is circumcised, which I haven't had experience of in a previous boyfriend but I've read can also desensitise a man's er, manhood. He has suggested anal which I haven't done before but am up for trying, but I don't want to end up feeling that my vagina isn't enough, iyswim! I'm 28 and have had no children so I hope it isn't to do with me physically...

Anyone been through this? What can we try to either make him more sensitive or me tighter? Or forget about it at least?

OP posts:

arsenaltilidie · 07/05/2014 08:20

Wanting to try anal has nothing to do with your vagina, he wants to try it because he is a man and most men will want to try it at some point.

"He was single for six years before me so I think he has got used to the rougher feeling of masturbation, also he is circumcised*

Yes that's THE problem, he is used to his tight grip masturbation and the fact he is circumcised doesn't help either especially if he has a dry glans.

He needs to STOP masturbating and I can guarantee he will cum in a couple of weeks.

GrumpyOldNag · 07/05/2014 08:35

This is actually a really common problem- which is not porn related!- and there is a solution, but it takes time and discipline. I assume he is struggling to come because during his six years of being single his penis became accustomed to a death grip style of masturbation, and because he didn't masturbate in any other way, now he can't come without it!

Nobody in the world has a vagina, or anus, or mouth can grip a penis with the strength that his hand can! It is definitely not your fault in any way, shape or form. I suspect he wants to try anal because he thinks it will be as tight as he likes to grip, the chances are it won't. Sorry!

To deal with this problem, he has to re-train his penis. I know this sounds kooky but bear with me! He is not allowed to come using the death grip, he can masturbate or have sex with you or do anything he likes any which way, but he cannot use the death grip, or whatever it was in particular he was doing. If that means he doesn't orgasm, then he doesn't orgasm. Slowly, and how slowly varies from man to man, his penis will 'learn' to orgasm through softer, more subtle touches like a vagina or an anus or an anything else the two of you want. Hope this helps! Have only skim RTFT so if someone else has already suggested this then sorry

TheAwfulDaughter · 07/05/2014 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Chapsview · 07/05/2014 08:49

Of course I can only speak from personal experience of 45 years owning a penis - BUT I cannot ever imagine a "Death Grip" wank and the dryness of my glans skin has never effected me!

OP please try to speak to himbut not in a "how am I failing you?" or "what am I doing wrong" kind of way. If you really need to make him come then explain to him that you love what he does to you but would love to do it back to him.

As I have said before - from personal experience - I am certain he is loving what he does to you and how much you enjoy the sex - his own pleasure plays second fiddle as far as he is concerned. Also please remember that most of us chaps have an "off switch" - we come and then loose interest - all to do with hormones etc. Maybe he does not want to turn off and wants to carry on making you have fun?

Why not try something an old flame and I used to do - night time is for her - lots of orgasms etc for her - no pressure on me to come - morning for me - with roles reversed?

JaceyBee · 07/05/2014 09:26

Dan Savage has written about this issue a lot:

www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=14968

CocktailQueen · 07/05/2014 09:31

Anal sex should be something that enhances a good PIV sex life, not tighter replacement orifice from him

This ^^

and also, DH is circumcised and it doesn't affect his sensitivity or make him take ages to come.

GrumpyOldNag · 07/05/2014 09:41

JaceyBee thanks for linking, that is exactly what I was trying to explain! I have found that some of Dan Savage's opinions are not all that popular on these forums, which is why I didn't cite my sources... I would reiterate that I really don't think this is a porn issue, the problem he is having is to do with the masturbation itself rather than to do with porn.

Fasttouch · 07/05/2014 11:32

Nothing to do with porn If it was porn related he would have trouble getting it up. The problem is death grip and being circumcised. Easily resolved by not masturbating for a couple of weeks.

JaceyBee · 07/05/2014 15:16

No worries Grumpy! Yeah he is a little controversial but on this issue at least he is spot on. Not sure it's really a quick fix though OP, sorry.

I thought your description was very thorough!

MostWicked · 07/05/2014 18:10

I think he's not going to suddenly be sensitive after abstaining for a few weeks

Actually, that will help a lot.
It's less about porn and more about masturbation. If he was single for several years, he has just got used to that sensation.
As Grumpy said, this is about retraining. It will take a bit of effort and restraint on his part. He needs to learn how to climax from other sensations, even if that leaves him really frustrated on a few occasions. It will build up the pleasure for the next time! The link that Jacey posted is what he needs to read.

Anal can be wonderful (we love it), but I think that now would be a bad time to try it. You need to get this issue sorted first, then move onto the anal.

The most important thing, is that you talk about this openly and enjoy every minute of working your way round it.

Joysmum · 07/05/2014 20:51

A lot of focus has been placed on physical feeling. There's a lot more to getting excited and aroused enough to climax. Excitement if the mind might well be a very exciting and fulfilling thing to explore.

My Dh is circumsised and we use porn. We've been together 20 years this year and things are still exciting and e might need to think calm!

Your bloke might well have a bit of a mind block going against him. If my and my DH haven't had sex in a while he can cum very quickly and feels guilty. He tries to put it off. If your bloke has been single he might have been doing similar and need to train out of that now.

sykadelic · 08/05/2014 02:53

My husband is circumsized and has no issue with ejaculation or that it takes a while (if anything oral does take a little longer). Could just be he got lucky when he got the snip.

I wish I had advice for you, but I would NOT have anal sex (well at all really) at least until he's got this issue better sorted otherwise you may feel pressure to do it that way everytime 'cause that's all that works.

You haven't said how long you've been together but I definitely think the first time is one of those more personal acts you either do with someone you've been with a while, or someone you're going to bin (in case you're embarrassed/hate it etc).

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