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Relationships

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Original poster

Impatient to get engaged!!

54 replies

Tea1Sugar · 06/05/2014 16:32

Dp and I have been together nearly 2.5 years, own a house together, have a baby together and he has/is a wonderful stepdad to my dd1 since she was 19months. We talk about getting married all the time, I know he wants to, I've jokingly "proposed" saying he wants to be traditional and ask me. So why hasn't he?! I know we're very happy as we are and marriage isn't the be all or end all but it's important to me. I'm 26, he's 33. I also know this is non-issue compared to all other mn relationship issues, but it's really bugging me. Wwyd?

OP posts:

keely79 · 06/05/2014 16:35

Sit him down and ask him why he hasn't proposed - not jokingly, but say it seriously and explain how much it means to you. You have a child, and a house together. You have both made the biggest commitment you can. Perhaps he thinks that marriage is just a nice to have or something to do when you can afford a proper "do"? But seriously, if you want to marry this man, you should be able to have this sort of conversation with him.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 06/05/2014 16:45

Ask him, seriously ask him.

I take it you're aware OP that if you split up and you're not married legally you won't be entitled to any of his assets 'common law' doesn't exist.

Does he want to be married? Is he not wanting a big wedding and afraid you might?

Stop jokingly proposing and just talk to him.

showtunesgirl · 06/05/2014 16:48

Yes, just ask him! Properly!

Original poster

Tea1Sugar · 06/05/2014 17:14

He says if I'd like a big wedding that's fine, if I want a small wedding, that's fine too. He says that we should wait and enjoy having a new baby before planning a wedding which I understand. But we've discussed wedding-y things like fact we don't want a church wedding, who he'll have as a best man etc. In a traditional sense I would like him to propose to me not the other way round, but I guess maybe I should suck it up

OP posts:

keely79 · 06/05/2014 17:34

Or just clearly say to him "While I appreciate and understand your reasons for wanting to wait to plan a wedding, I don't want to wait to be engaged - and I would like you to propose to me as it turns out I feel quite traditionally about this. I'm not asking you to propose on the spot, but please think hard about this as it is important to me".

Most guys who have an ounce of awareness and want to marry would then be off down the jewellers in a flash.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 06/05/2014 19:34

Waiting for a traditional proposal is bollocks. Just have a sensible adult conversation about it.

CrackleAndPop · 06/05/2014 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha · 06/05/2014 19:56

Why do YOU want to get engaged / married?

lavenderhoney · 06/05/2014 21:21

Sorry, I'm not clear from your post- you asked him and he said he wanted to be traditional and do it? And now you talk all the time about it.

But you've not been traditional so far- house, baby, without a wedding!

Whilst he faffs about, make sure everything is joint owned, you have wills saying the other is beneficiary, and joint and separate accounts.

The time for being coy is long gone. Either you set a date or forget it and tie everything up as though you were married. No more wedding chat. Its just bothering you and soon it will feel like he's got not real reason except he just doesn't want to. Its not a game if it means a lot to you.

Fairenuff · 06/05/2014 22:59

It sounds like you have both said you want to be married to each other so, congratulations OP, you are engaged.

What you need to do now is sit down together and set a date. You might be think 12 to 18 months, he might be thinking 12 to 18 years.

Talk to each other. It's a huge decision, not to be taken lightly. Do not sit on your arse waiting to be asked, take control of your own future.

tribpot · 06/05/2014 23:23

He says that we should wait and enjoy having a new baby before planning a wedding

But what do you want? It's obvious that what you want is to get married. So tell him that's what you want. If it isn't what he wants, he's entitled to say so but at the moment you are dancing around this by buyig into a pointless tradition of only one half of a couple being able to ask the other half. Lay your cards on the table and tell him what you want.

Vinomcstephens · 06/05/2014 23:36

I agree with lavenderhoney - why the urgency for him to be traditional with the proposal, when you've thrown tradition to the wind by moving in together and had a baby BEFORE being married? If I'm honest that sounds like stalling to me. So since tradition isn't the be all and end all - since you're the one desperate to get engaged and set a date, just ask him yourself. Job done

lavenderhoney · 06/05/2014 23:42

And - what does marriage mean to you?

A) love and a commitment to stay together

B) financial joining.

Legally marriage is a binding financial contract. There is all the guff about love, but legally its financial. Its marketing at its most smokiest and mirroirest.

So -arrange your finances to mirror the marriage scenario and accept the love and commitment bit is just like a real marriage. Not set in stone.
And you need to ask him why he has all the commitment and trapping of marriage but not the contract.

See- marriage is a contract. Not a declaration of love. That's the wrapping.

Does your child have his surname? If so, why?

showtunesgirl · 07/05/2014 22:11

Yes, I never do quite understand this stuff.

If you both want to marry each other, you're engaged!

littlegreengloworm · 07/05/2014 22:17

I think the fact that you have a child and a house together is already a life commtiment so you could just nip off and get married (or equally have a huge do) without the need for a romantic proposal. I you really want the formality, have serious chat with him.

I don't mean this disrespectfully, if it is a wild suprise gesture you want, you are going to have to sit it out but it may be worth it.

Original poster

Tea1Sugar · 13/05/2014 15:40

We had a pretty serious chat about it all on Sunday where I literally said "look I'm not waiting anymore, are we getting married or not?" to which he replied of course we're getting married, that he wants exactly the same out of life as me (with me importantly!). He said he doesn't want to give it a timeframe as we have a new baby (very new, she's 4) but said "certainly in the next four years or so". Rage . Yes I'm pleased we're on the same page, though I knew we always were. I'm not talking about dragging him down the aisle tomorrow but I'd hoped for next year sometime. It's my birthday next month and dsis reckons he's throwing me off track and will surprise me. I'll live in hope...

OP posts:

Original poster

Tea1Sugar · 13/05/2014 15:41

4 weeks!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/05/2014 15:43

Live in hope by all means but please make sure you are legally protected in case something goes badly wrong before the four years is up. Do you have your own income or are you financially dependent on him? Are you co-owner of your house? Are you in each other's wills?

Youdontneedacriminallawyer · 13/05/2014 15:51

"Next four years or so" is tantamount to saying never. Pin him down to a date, get the venue booked (even for four years hence) and get him to fork out for a down payment/payment schedule. If he won't do that, you know he didn't mean it (I suspect he doesn't).

If you don't mind a small wedding, I don't see what having a 4 week old baby has to do with anything - you could get it all over and done with in 30 mins in a registry office. It wouldn't actually change anything in your day to day life, but would make you feel a lot more secure.

I'm with the others, I think you and your baby need some legal protection.

Original poster

Tea1Sugar · 13/05/2014 15:52

Joint mortgage, both work full time with salaries paid into own accounts, bills are split from a house joint account, separate pensions. No wills written yet

OP posts:

PeachTrees · 13/05/2014 15:53

OP I sympathize...l also have a baby and a house with DP but wev been together 7 years. he says he doesn't want to get engaged unless wel be getting married within a year or 2 of the engagement..he doesn't want a long engagement. We both want a proper do so will need to save the money ourselves and sometimes things are more important
..like boilers breaking...roof leaking.

It sucks...but hopefully he's trying to keep you off the scent .

Youdontneedacriminallawyer · 13/05/2014 15:55

Peach - what's the difference between the life you have and being "engaged"? If you plan on getting married, which you do, you ARE engaged. You can just get married without having an engagement ring.

Both of you are being strung along by DPs who have no intention of getting married!

Orangeisthenewbanana · 13/05/2014 15:57

He does have something of a point if your LO is only 4 weeks old I think! You did the right thing by laying your cards on the table and I would continue that by stating that while you'd be happy to wait a little while, 4 years is longer than you're really happy with. I don't want to sound negative and would love to be wrong, but I'm not sure your sister's comments about your birthday were that helpful. You're already upset about this so if I were you, I'd try not to pin all your hopes on a birthday proposal - more because it could really set things off again for you if you're half excpecting/hoping for it, and it doesn't materialise.

In the meantime, make it quite clear that you want to be legally protected until then and look into seeing a solicitor about finances/house etc in case of a split.

BumpAndGrind · 13/05/2014 16:49

Me and my DP had talked about weddings, much like you. We had discussed a time frame (2-3 years) and a idea of a venue, attendees etc.

While I was pregnant I noticed that one of the venues we liked which wasn't overly close by was having a wedding fayre as asked DP if he fancied going for a nosey as a day out. We weren't 'officially' engaged in your sense of engaged but we went anyway.

We loved the place so booked it for a date close to our original time frame (so it was booked 2 years in advance). I was never traditionally proposed too, but I am engaged. (I don't have a ring).

I think being asked to marry him in a big grand gesture would have felt silly after we had already discussed what wedding we would have. I tink he would have felt uncomfortable doing it too.

If he came home and told you he had found somewhere he liked and would you like to book it, would you be happy, or annoyed that there was no proposal?

Is it the grand gesture you want?

I sometimes feel sad that I won't get that 'OMG YESYESYES I'll marry you' moment, but on the other hand I feel the way we have done it so far to be very grown up and sensible and think on some level that reflects our relationship and makes our future look brighter :)

Original poster

Tea1Sugar · 14/05/2014 12:28

We've agreed on venue, not date though.

OP posts:

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