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Original poster

Impatient to get engaged!!

54 replies

Tea1Sugar · 06/05/2014 16:32

Dp and I have been together nearly 2.5 years, own a house together, have a baby together and he has/is a wonderful stepdad to my dd1 since she was 19months. We talk about getting married all the time, I know he wants to, I've jokingly "proposed" saying he wants to be traditional and ask me. So why hasn't he?! I know we're very happy as we are and marriage isn't the be all or end all but it's important to me. I'm 26, he's 33. I also know this is non-issue compared to all other mn relationship issues, but it's really bugging me. Wwyd?

OP posts:
flowery · 14/05/2014 12:36

If you have a venue and just need to set a date and plan the wedding, then you are engaged already. What does your sister think he's going to surprise you with on your birthday? An agreement to set a date?

AMumInScotland · 14/05/2014 12:40

"The next four years or so" is not what you want. So tell him that. You want to get married. OK, maybe not this week, or even this month. But not a vague "sometime" which is all "four years or so" boils down to.

If you've picked out a venue, check with them about bookings. Then get pencilled in for some date that sounds fine to you. Then ask him if there is any specific reason he doesn't want to get on with it.

AMumInScotland · 14/05/2014 12:42

Oh and, unless it's totally the way he is, I wouldn't be counting on your sisters idea that he's going to surprise you on your birthday. Wait till after then if you like, but don't hold your breath unless he's a 'big surprise gesture' kind of guy.

Galvanised · 14/05/2014 12:52

Another here that would want to take matters in hand.
The reality is you want to be married, like nowish. I'm assuming that this is because you think you will feel more secure being married?
Do you feel a bit anxious about not knowing if or when it might happen?
This happened to me after a few children, suddenly I just really wanted to be married. It was all done and dusted in 5 months. My youngest was 10 mo old at the wedding. It's very doable, if it's what you want.
I knew dh was not against the idea, we had discussed it before, so he rowed in with the plan.
What's the point of waiting if you are not happy doing the waiting?

Itsfab · 14/05/2014 12:53

I think I know why men are happy to buy a house and have a baby with someone but not marry them. It is easier to walk away from a baby, easier to sell a house and start a new life but you can't marry Little Miss New Boobs when you are married to someone else. Seems a baby can be seen as a lesser commitment than a marriage certificate.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/05/2014 13:12

He is being a great DP but tantalising you by not proposing. He has talked about venues and it's not a taboo topic. It may be he is waiting for your birthday. If he doesn't pop the question then you could ask him to marry you?

Come back and update but remember if you do issue an ultimatum always be prepared to see it through.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 14/05/2014 15:15

4 years? To me, that means never.

Original poster
Tea1Sugar · 15/05/2014 12:31

Had another chat last night and expressed my unhappiness with waiting "about 4 years". I basically gave him an ultimatum and said if nothing has happened by 2 years I'll know you don't want to marry me and I'll have to reconsider whether we should be together. He gave me a hug and agreed. So we'll see.

OP posts:
flowery · 15/05/2014 13:47
Confused

If you've both agreed that you are going to get married, have chosen a venue, and he has now agred that two years is a good time frame, surely it should be a case of booking the venue, rather than just waiting to see if anything happens?

Itsfab · 15/05/2014 13:52

2 years?

Why?

Itsfab · 15/05/2014 13:54

If he really wanted to marry you he would have said so straight away. He either doesn't want too or enjoys the power and control he has over you.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 15/05/2014 13:57

Some people plan their wedding in two years, depending on what sort of wedding you are having (dresses can take 8 months to order in for example).

Why two years? What's his reluctance about? Either he wants to marry you or he doesn't.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 15/05/2014 14:06

I agree with ItsFab - he should have responded much more enthusiastically, sounds like he is messing you about and has no intention of marrying you. 2 years gives him plenty of time to dangle the carrot then at the end of 2 years it'll be 'after x, y, z' or 'now isn't the time because...' or a reluctant proposal with a vague date a year or two away, to give himself more wiggle room.

Itsfab · 15/05/2014 14:21

I knew really quickly I wanted to marry DH. One day we were shopping and I pointed out a ring I liked which was very similar to one I had seen previously. I tried it on. Upset Dh didn't buy it but within a month he had been back to the shop, ordered the ring, picked it up and proposed. Within a short time of the proposal he told me he wanted to set the date as didn't want a long engagement. That was someone who wanted to get married. He married me as quickly as he felt happy with. I would have married him sooner but he wanted to be qualified and have bought a house. Been together 18.4 years and married for 14.10 years. Married 9 months after the proposal.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/05/2014 14:24

He doesn't want to marry you. He is keeping his options open for the moment when Kylie Minogue dances down the street in satin hotpants and sweeps him off his feet.

While it's fine for a person to object to the institution of marriage, if such a person is in a relationship with a partner who wants to marry him/her, the ethical thing to do is explain your feelings. Not to fanny around and keep stalling in the hope that either the other person will shut up or that you will find it convenient to walk away from him/her at some point soon.

Unfortunately, when a woman has been hinting for a proposal, and has asked outright for one, and the man has not actually agreed to set a wedding date, that man suddenly has all the power in the relationship. He can have the woman barking and fetching sticks and rolling over whenever he whistles indefinitely. If he wants her to service him in any way, or give in to him over anything, he can vaguely hint that a proposal is imminent. If he wants to punish her, he can tell her that he was just about to propose and now she's spoiled everything.

OP, now you have to decide whether you are happy to stay with him, unmarried, or whether you want to be married badly enough to dump him and find someone else to be your husband. But whichever option you take, consult a solicitor to protect your current assets.

mumblechum1 · 15/05/2014 14:27

I agree that you are already engaged, albeit that you don't have a ring.

Don't really understand why you don't just book a venue and get on with it tbh, surely it would seem really fake for him to go down on one knee with a ring if you've already agreed that you're getting married, and it's just the date that isn't decided?

Or am I hopelessly out of date? We just decided to get married one tuesday and got a special licence and were married on the Saturday, though, so I know we're a bit odd.Grin

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/05/2014 14:31

Two years? Wait for your birthday next month no proposal start looking at how to buy him out. You're asking for some solid framework for your DDs as well as yourself not just badgering him on a whim.

Martorana · 15/05/2014 14:46

So you said that and he basically said "OK, sometime in the next two years I'll decide whether I think you're a keeper or not and let you know"

Honestly, OP- take it from a woman old enough to be your grandmother- please, please don't accept that. You're worth more.

I'm not married and I don't want to be. But you do. And you have spelled out to him how much it means to you. And he is not moving. I think you need to rethink this relationship.

ThePinkOcelot · 15/05/2014 16:25

Two years??!!! You have just given him a massive leeway there OP. I think he is stringing you along. He is agreeing with you and saying what you want to hear, but nothing else. I would revise that to 6 months if I were you!!

butterflyby · 15/05/2014 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

showtunesgirl · 15/05/2014 16:46

OP, you just laid down and declared yourself a door mat for the next two years.

Original poster
Tea1Sugar · 15/05/2014 17:51

I have haven't I Sad

OP posts:
sykadelic · 15/05/2014 18:44

Wait till your birthday and see what happens. It could be he has it planned. I'd probably give him a years worth of "special days" (mothers day, christmas, birthday etc) and if nothing has happened by then, he's got serious cold feet.

You could also try telling him, "I've booked the court house for X date (2 weeks away or something). We'll get legally married then and worry about the big party later. We have a child together and this is important to me."

supadupapupascupa · 15/05/2014 18:47

you know what, he might be saving up for a ring. He might have it all planned..... you might be spoiling his big surprise.

Martorana · 15/05/2014 18:53

"you know what, he might be saving up for a ring. He might have it all planned..... you might be spoiling his big surprise."

An adult human being, in the situation that the OP's partner is in would realize how incredibly inappropriate and cruel it would be to keep her waiting in this way, and would change his plans.

We're talking real people with real feelings here not Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming.

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