Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unrequited friendship

28 replies

Barbie7 · 27/08/2006 21:00

I know this is a weird topic, and I'm sorry but would really like to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I have a local friend who has children and a dh, and I always want to see her more than she wants to see me. She has the same sense of humour as me and is way more interesting than everyone else we know at the school gate, and she only lives a couple of streets away.

The thing is, she never seems to want to see me all that often, and I seem way more keen to set up playdates than she does. It's also complicated by the fact that I fancy her dh something chronic. And so I'm always wondering if I want to see her for her or because it might be a chance to see him.

Every time I text her I worry that I'm being overly keen and I hate myself and think I'm pathetic for being so weak about this.

I wish I could be a good acquaintance instead of an overkeen friend. And if I can't be a proper acquaintace, should I just cut her out of my life?

My problem is also that I have no job and I am a housewife and I'm bored and lonely most of the time and underemployed. I can't get intellectually stimulated by housework however hard I try, so the school drop off time takes on epic proportions in my head as I think what to say to him or her. (They alternate). I wish they would just move away!

Does any one have anything similar going on? I feel so hopeless and depressed about this situation.

If I cut her out of my life she would wonder why - its not like she did anything wrong.

OP posts:
foundintranslation · 27/08/2006 21:03

Maybe she suspects that you fancy her dh, and is trying to put some distance between you for that reason?

In these circumstances, tbh, I'd try and find the strength to leave well alone. Can you get involved with anything in the community or at school? PTA?

chocybickie · 27/08/2006 21:04

i don't think this is heading in a very positive or healthy direction for you. i would stop texting, calling, popping round, whatever and let her contact you. as for the infatuation with her dh you need to get a grip with that if you want a f/ship to continue.
you know you need more to keep you occupied. have you thought about things you want to do. college courses, classes, or just arranging meet ups with other parents locally?

chubbleigh · 27/08/2006 21:08

I think there is every change they between them have picked up the fancying the husband vibe and that is maybe why you are kept at arms length. I think you seriously need to chill out on this one and find something interesting to do elsewhere in your life. Sorry if I am wrong but this sounds like a diversion from other things in your life that are not quite right.

Original poster
Barbie7 · 27/08/2006 21:09

You could be right about her husband, in that she has explained that she doesn't know if she can trust him and for quite a while he and I both took our daughters to an after school class.. I don't know if she was happy about us spending time together. I felt terribly guilty about the whole thing at the time. For the first two terms after meeting him I set up my life so I wouldn't have to see him on school run days but then I gave in and made friends and we got on fine, but despite my coping with being friends I do wonder if my friend got paranoid.

I used to be on the PTA and it was so bitchy I was scared away.

I really really want to study some school subjects I never did first time round with a view to a career but it all depends on my husband's work which is very unpredictable and may go back to shift work (and this time last year I was all set to study and it fell through because we couldn't afford the childcare around his shiftwork job- which was gutting for me).

I'm desperate to find something to do to take my mind off my petty obsessions but I don't know what!

OP posts:
Socci · 27/08/2006 21:11

Message withdrawn

Socci · 27/08/2006 21:15

Message withdrawn

Mercy · 27/08/2006 21:17

Barbie I do sympathise with a little of what you are going through. I think you are fantasising about this man simply because you are bored and lonely - and it adds a bit of excitement to your otherwise dull day. It's quite normal imo - but as others have said your friend may have picked up on this. It's a vicious circle isn't it?

How old are your children btw?

If you do want to do some form of study, how about Open University? There are a number of short courses and it's pretty flexible - it's not all exam/results orientated. What sort of things are you interested in?

Posey · 27/08/2006 21:22

Assuming you didn't fancy her husband so taking away the do they don't they know bit which may be making a difference...

Some people just don't have a whole lot of time or inclination for more friendships other than fairly superficial chat at the schoolgates, occasional playdates type. I can be a bit like that. Have enough trouble finding time for part time work, children and their activities, husband, family, long term friends... It all takes time and maybe she just doesn't have the time to nurture a new friendship.

Clayhead · 27/08/2006 21:23

I was about to mention the OU too. My dh works shifts and has unpredictable work patterns too, I am doing an OU course which I fit around everything else and it's great.

Original poster
Barbie7 · 27/08/2006 21:29

I am so concerned about it... it's dominated my life for months. I would never do anything about it, but even knowing I would not do anything doesn't stop the feelings. I met him first at a kid's party and liked him a lot and didn't know his wife for quite a while, then made an effort to befriend her because I felt so bad about knowing the man in a couple and not the woman, and in getting to know her I found out that we actually had a lot in common.

I used to avoid him, and used to do all sorts of things to avoid seeing him on the way to school or on the way back. He used to stand at the school gate and nobody would talk to him, so I would relent and go up and talk to him! My desire to be stand offish was fighting with my desire to show sympathy to another outcast at the school gate, haha.

It was a really massive big deal for me to make friends with a man, I haven't made a new friend since before I was married, male I mean. I don't think it was to him as he works in a very female dominated profession. My husband knows how I feel and is fine with it, because he has also suffered petty obsessions with women at his work so he sympathises. Sometimes I wish I were a very strict Muslim woman behind a veil who isn't allowed to make eye contact with men, life would be much simpler.

I feel I should add that this guy is handsome, his wife is beautiful, and I'm a big overweight swamp-monster and I can't see him fancying me in a million years, so I'm "safe" from that perspective.

OP posts:
Original poster
Barbie7 · 27/08/2006 21:33

I want to study Biology with a view to nursing or similar.... and the thing is, I was studying a GCSE at home via computer but it was very hard to study it without being able to do practical, lab stuff. So if I study these things it would have to be a daytime course in a lab.

The other thing I am doing is writing a novel and I love writing, but it involves "the life of the mind", and when nothing is going on all day but sitting and writing the boredom and loneliness magnify a millionfold. Also, I feel like I'm not living life in order to be able to write about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Barbie7 · 27/08/2006 21:36

Mercy - children are 6 and 4. My younger is about to be in full time school - so potentially I have the whole day at home on my own. It should be a great opportunity but I'm absolutely dreading it.

I think you're absolutely right about my feelings getting magnified because of the problems with not having enough to do.

The thing is I could get a job but my own career dreams will fade away if I get ensconced in some tedious admin job (admin is what I did pre-kids and I don't want to go back to it, I want to do something like nursing, something useful to society).

OP posts:
bamik · 27/08/2006 21:56

Hi Barbie,

I agree with everyone elses posts. But one thing that struck me was that you said that you'd have no chance with the guy anyway because your basically fat & unattractive.

Babes, please stop thinking like this because it could actually cause you to continue lusting after this womans dh and you could end up in a lot of trouble if he actually responded. The fact that you think you're 'fat' has nothing to do with it. You probably got a lovely personality and people can fall for this rather than your image.

Babe if I was U i'd leave well alone and find a hobby. Whilst the kids are at school join a club at your local leisure centre, maybe a fitness class. Or even a local group of some sort. I dunno,anything to keep you busy. And i agree that you should start sorting out a uni course = persue your dream

Sorry if I sounded 2 harsh xx

Mercy · 27/08/2006 22:01

You clearly have a way with words - how about a creative writing or journalism course?

If you don't mind me saying so, it seems you are suffering low self-esteem atm. Having something to focus on that is productive/soley for you could help. I do sympathise; I've been an SAHM for over 5 years now and I've recently begun to feel cut off from everyday life.

Original poster
Barbie7 · 27/08/2006 22:09

Hi Bamilk,

I don't think you're harsh. If I ever thought that this guy requited my feelings I would run a mile! That's why I had such a hard time about making friends with him. Guilt, guilt, guilt, with a side order of paranoia to go! I see no evidence that I'm anything more than an acquaintance in his eyes. But I am very good at self-control, although my imagination runs riot sometimes.

When my kids are both at school all day I hope to take advantage of my gym membership and swim myself thin. I have been thin before, I know it's possible, I just have a lot of problems prioritising the diet.

Low self esteem - yes very much so.

I'm really grateful to everyone for the replies so far. I talk to my husband about it and he always says not to worry, it doesn't matter if I am friends with this couple - but I can see from the replies here that it is unhealthy for me. And it would be much healthier for me to cut them out and start again. I have other friends who I see who I don't obsess over. I need to focus on them and get myself some more hobbies/interests.

OP posts:
Original poster
Barbie7 · 27/08/2006 22:12

Mercy, thankyou for your kind words about my writing!

I would really like to do a course about maybe screenwriting, or novel writing, or join a writer's circle, something not in this suburban backwater but up in town maybe just to meet people outside this social circle. I used to be in a writer's group a few years ago but dh's shift work meant I missed so many it wasn't worth it anymore.

OP posts:
bamik · 27/08/2006 22:16

Babe I think that your DH would probably have a different view if he knew how you felt about the other womans DH!

Original poster
Barbie7 · 27/08/2006 22:23

He does know, that's the thing, I bore him stupid talking about the guy, but my dh trusts me. We are very honest with each other.

OP posts:
chubbleigh · 27/08/2006 22:26

Yes you do need outside interests but would think seriously about doing Open University as it can be a pretty solitary thing. What about getting into something slowly with a bit of volunteering, you can pick and choose then as there are always lots projects that need a warm and friendly person to help out, that would no doubt give your self esteem a boost.

bamik · 27/08/2006 22:30

Blimey! Your DH is an Angel! If I ever revealed anything like this to my DH he'd be secretly doing his nut! I don't think he'd show that he's upset/jelous but I would just know.

I'm just scared that what with your DH being so understanding, that secretly inside he might feel a but hurt

How would U feel if your DH started going on about some woman whom he knows from work or someone that he's seen and then you see her one day and she's like perfect 10, beautiful etc etc. As much as you trust him, wouldn't U be a tad bit jelous??

Original poster
Barbie7 · 27/08/2006 22:31

I have meetings at my church I could help with like the Mums and Tots group always needs people to pour the tea and stuff. Also I'm a member in a bible study group but I could take on more of a leadership role.

If I did non-church volunteering I like the idea of being a hospital visitor, as it would give me access to the world of medicine. I worked last year as a part-time care assistant until the shiftwork thing made it impossible (everything I have tried to do in the last few years has been stymied by dh's shiftwork jobs!) I loved that job, as a way in to see if I like the medicine side of work, and I really did. I like to feel useful.

He has JUST started a 9 to 5 job on a trial basis, so if he likes it he will be permanently 9 to 5 but the trial doesn't end til December so I will be treading water til then. I don't want to sign up for a course in September and then find I have to drop out when my dh goes back to working random shifts again. (He doesn't want to, but we cannot rule it out)

OP posts:
chubbleigh · 27/08/2006 22:32

I have done some volunteer work in the past and it was the great fun and very rewarding.

Original poster
Barbie7 · 27/08/2006 22:35

Bamik, he does tell me things like that, but not in a hurtful way... it's more that he knows a pretty girl at work, and he feels bad because she is the butt of office jokes and he hates himself for looking forward to seeing him, and we discuss things like whether he would tell her that he didn't like her putting her hand on his shoulder, and I am very understanding because I remember in my old office job fancying a colleague because of the boredom leading to otherwise boring people becoming interesting!

My dh and I are very close and secure with each other and dh knows he is the love of my life whereas the other guy is just a silly crush. Dh never puts me down or makes me feel like I'm ugly or fat, it's all coming from me, that attitude.

Sometimes I wish dh were more jealous about it, and if he forbade me to see this guy, I would, and would be quite happy to be told what to do, but dh trusts me and thus I have allowed the friendship to occur.

OP posts:
chubbleigh · 27/08/2006 22:40

Barbie, pouring tea is useful but not all that stimulating, I used to teach english on a one to one basis. Do you think you would like to do some adult literacy work or the Womens Royal Volunatary Service which works in hospitals (but involves lots of the aforementioned tea).

Your husband sounds lovely by the way, and very liberal thinking, my xp would have had a purple fit if I had revealed anything like that to him.

bamik · 27/08/2006 22:40

Ahh babes. Your DH is lovely nad it sounds like U have a beautiful relationship. I actually think that you need to keep yourself very busy because you have such an amazing imagination. I don't think U have low self esteem either.

Get down to the Gym girl and start using that memebership. Then again - there are some fit guys down at the gym LOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread