A little advice please

[Anonnemouse]

Good afternoon mumsnetters. First post, I'm basically just after a little advice perhaps, or maybe even just some female opinions. I'm a bloke, and in a long term relationship with my partner. She's wonderful and I think the world of her, we're getting married early next year. We're both late twenties.

Basically, our sex life has pretty much dried up over the past 18 months. I suspect that the cause of this has been work stress and possibly a self confidence issue. Whilst that sounds quite bad, it's where we are currently, and our relationship as a whole is great, I've no intentions of throwing the towel in or anything of the sort, I genuinely believe we're both very happy, I just wonder if there's anything else I can do to help her I haven't thought of. As a background, we've been together for nigh on 8 years, and previously had a very healthy sex life, varied and exciting rather than routine if you like.

My partner works night shifts regularly, a few nights a week, so she is only at home say 4 of 7 nights. Recently she's also been working harder as well to help pay for the wedding costs etc. If this had been a direct correlation to the lack of bedroom action, I'd totally understand that as she will often be tired when she gets in switching between night and day shifts as required, but it's never been a problem previously, she's done the same job for coming up to 6 years. Also, whereas previously we've been far more spontaneous, nowadays it's night-time, in bed, duvet's over. Gone are the days of nice underwear etc. This is perhaps where I'm thinking it could be a self confidence issue.

She's currently heavier than she's ever been, but she's not fat. I think she's gorgeous, I tell her regularly. She's never taken compliments easily as such, but she shrugs this off. She makes comments that she's frustrated that her clothes are tight etc. The kicker is, she hates the gym and won't go. I've made it very clear that I'm happy with her how she is and it doesn't matter to me in the slightest, but I've also tried to help out finding other things we can do that could help, like I've bought her a bike so we can go cycling, walks, and I've stopped cooking creamy curries and genuinely make an effort to cook her healthy food.

Regardless, she's far from "chunky", she's gorgeous, but I think this could perhaps be playing a part.

The other things that could be contributing I can think of are that she's been on the depo injection for contraception for the last 5 years. Now I also think that this could be a reason why she's struggling to shift any weight when she tries, as I've read that it can hinder this. She's about to come off that and have a coil fitted, as we haven't decided whether we want kids or not "post-marriage" and it can apparently take up to 2 years to conceive after coming off the injection. I've read that the coil is basically the same hormone administered via a different method though, so this may make no difference to either her weight loss or sex drive, if indeed this is contributing.

So, apologies for all the rambling, but the background info helps to paint a picture I guess? In essence I'm wondering if there's anything else I can do or try to help / support her and get her back to her old sexy self really. Is it just a common phase that women go through from time to time, is there anything I can try etc etc. I don't have any female friends as such, hence this approach.

Our actual relationship bar the lack of sex currently is fantastic, she's my best friend, and we're always laughing. There's no awkwardness, we're intimate and cuddly, snuggle up on the sofa for TV etc, plan things together well, communicate well etc. I'm 100% certain that neither of us are bored or perhaps looking elsewhere, it's basically just that she's lost her modjo and I still fancy the pants off her, although sadly not literally currently haha. I think it's just going to a case of bearing with it and being supportive, but I thought I might ask and see if any of you ladies had any suggestions.

Cheers

You don't mention in all of that whether you have spoken about it and how she feels.

good point! Probably the most important part as well.

I have spoken to her about it, she apologises as agrees that she just doesn't really have any sex drive currently, she doesn't think there's anything wrong, she just isn't interested. I've explained that I obviously still do have a sex drive, but I also don't really want to push the point too much because stressing her out over it won't help I don't think.

I know the depo injection certainly put the kiss of death on my sex drive; combine with shifts, stress of organizing and paying for a wedding and a change of body image and I'd probably have put on a chastity belt

Seriously though, she's the best one to know if the depo is part of it, but I personally stay well away from any hormone based contraceptives now. However, that's a very personal choice as they affect everyone differently and individual circumstances dictate different contraceptive decisions.

Suspect it's a combination of things - 'life' at the moment.

By the way; did she ask you to buy the bike / discuss it or did you just appear with it one day?

You sound like an awesome partner tbh.

I'm in the same place as you at the moment, only I'm the female with no sex drive whatsoever! It just disappeared. Mine is more to do with medication than anything else though. It's horrible. Some hints/tips I can give you are:

When you give her a cuddle/kiss, dont do anything that will make her think 'oh he's just after sex'. I've started to veer away from my partner a bit cuddlewise as most of the time he tries to cop a quick feel while he's there (I think by doing this he's just trying to reassure me he still fancies me instead of anything else).

Dont get little digs in, even in jest. Even little things like 'aw, its been a while' still hurt. She'll be feeling bad enough about it as it is.

How are things with you during foreplay? Is she still managing to get turned on then? Is there enough foreplay?

I think she should maybe see her GP though. It is possible it is her contraceptive causing it, but there could also be something underlying.

Also, is it possible she could maybe be pregnant? Putting on weight, losing sex drive...

I'd be worried and tbh I wouldn't be with anyone never mind marrying them unless the relationship consisted of a regular sex life.

Not sure why she's off it, there's no kids but perhaps it is a self esteem issue, point is unless you discuss this at length together, nothing will change and you will probably be full of resentment, her too, for not being able to have sex with you.

Whether it's the man or the woman, it's not fair to deprive the person you love of intimacy.

I too think you should knock any sort of hormone based contraception on the head...the irony being that you don't need it anyway. I know that the coil has had the same reaction on a couple of my friends.
Is there any chance that she would like the wedding 'down-scaled' a bit, taking some of the pressure off her?

When you say sex life has dried up, just how bad is it?

Once a year, month, week?

You sound lovely

I was on the depo for years but it didn't affect my sex drive. I did however realise when I came off it how down it had made me feel - after being on it for years it felt like a weight had been lifted!

It sounds as though she is very tired and it can be hard to get into the mood if you just want to sleep.

Self confidence will be an issue with it but don't perpetuate it by trying to force her into doing gym sessions or whatever, you will only make her feel you think she is inadequate, which it doesn't sound as though you want/mean to do.

Perhaps a holiday where there are activities/once in a lifetime options to do may get her trying something new?

Thanks for all your replies :) I'll attempt to answer any points one at a time.

NorthEasterlyGale, god no, I wouldn't dare haha. I cycle myself and lost a bit of weight that way a while back, I made an off-hand remark that we could maybe cycle out to the beach with a picnic or something on a weekend when she's off if it was something she fancied, and then she brought it up with me and ordered one herself. I just make sure there's air in the tyres and the brakes work lol.

Gudgy, odd one this. In all honesty, there isn't much in the away of foreplay. I can address WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid's question here at the same time, currently we're at once maybe twice a month depending. I'm not trying to push it, it's tricky because I think when we do have sex it's more because she knows we haven't for ages and wants to do it for me. There's very little foreplay and it's pretty much an "over and done with" thing if you get me. This is difficult in itself as I'd honestly rather not if she's not "into" it as it were, she doesn't make it obvious she's going through the motions, but that's sort of what it is I think. At the same time I don't want to reject her if it's a confidence thing as that would make her feel worse. So I guess we kiss and cuddle a lot, but no particular "foreplay" as it were.

Jan45, I hope you don't take offence, but that sounds like quite a bitter outlook as it were. I am worried, but more about what's causing the current situation and how to rectify it than how I'll put up with it. As I say, she isn't ordinarily like this, so something to my mind at least, must be causing it. We are intimate, and while the lack of sex currently is definitely frustrating, she's very much a keeper. I just need to find out what's changed and help where I can.

BuzzardBird, I'd prefer to knock the contraception on the head I think as well. I discussed the injection with her, and then we went along to see her GP together to discuss the options. I think she likes the benefit of not having a period, so the coil appeals, but also she initially chose the injection as she preferred sex without condoms, ironically for the intimacy lol. She wants to try the coil, and it can be removed at any point so for the time being I'll support her in that decision.

Regards the wedding, it's a very low key affair anyway, and she brought it forward as she's looking forward to it lol. It's pretty much all organised.

Thanks again for your replies.

Lioninthesun, interesting what you mention about feeling tired, as she does. Although with shift patterns currently that's excusable in itself. Longer term I don't think the shift patterns are to blame as she previously has worked nightshift etc and it was never a problem.

It's her own personal choice not to gym, I definitely won't push or encourage her to do it, I don't think there's any point at all unless it's something you want to do, as you'll end up just going through the motions and getting no benefit. Sadly at the moment a holiday isn't an option either financially or regards work, so I'll have to get creative and see if I can maybe organise something more local / low budget haha.

Sorry OP I'm definitely not bitter, just have strong opinions, sorry perhaps I did come across a bit tough but it is what I think all the same.

To me being intimate is sex, without that I'd feel completely unfulfilled but that's me, you might be able to handle it better, sounds like you can.

I know what you mean, I do agree, obviously it's a part of our relationship that's lacking, but the fact that I know we did have it, and it was great previously just redoubles my determination to work through it and sort it out, if that makes sense.

It's not like we still have really great sex, just now and again, and the frequency is frustrating me if you get me, it's that something is obviously putting her off it currently, whereas previously it wasn't. What I need to try and do is work out somehow whether it's a hormonal / contraceptive side effect, or if she's just working too hard, or if it's a phase we're passing through. Easier said than done haha.

I'm thinking something like Zorbing or archery - the kind of things you can do on lastminute. Near me they have clay pigeon shooting for £15 and at the Uni they have a climbing wall. All of those seem to be a fun way to spend part of a day and may get her excited about doing something active? Don't sell it as a way to loose weight though

I'd not underestimate the tiredness either. As you age it does get harder on the body. I wonder if she would really just enjoy a lie in with breakfast in bed plus back rub one Sunday? It might be favourable for you too but do it with no strings.

Sorry, how long did you say you had been together?

Zorbing is a good shout, I think she'd enjoy that.

Are there any good things you're aware of I could maybe introduce into her diet to help with tiredness. I know ultimately if she works too hard she'll inevitably get tired, and I'm not meaning it to sound like I'm trying to force feed her espresso's with the ulterior motives lol, but I was thinking more like natural supplements or plants that might help give her a boost and make her feel better generally. Couldn't do any harm currently with the extra work she's doing. The kitchens my domain so as long as I can make it appetizing it's a runner lol.

She does pretty well out of the massages as it is haha, as I say, we're quite touchy and physical, it's quite literally just the sex that's off the menu as it were.

Together for coming up 8 years Lion.

OP can I just point out that she might have worked shifts for years but it's only now that the tiredness has really taken it's toll. I know I have worked crazy hours, found I was tired to start with but able to cope with it and then as time went on, I just wasn't able to recover completely. So more and more tiredness to the point that I lost my libido (and a lot if other issues too).

You are mentioning that she is also doing a day job in the top of it so overwork seem to be a big culprit for me.

Maybe it would be an idea to go and see her GP and tell her about the tiredness, low libido and any other issues (I am assuming she isn't depressed/anxious in any shape or form) and check her contraception but also any other issues such thyroid etc...,

She may still have anaemia despite no periods. I'd see if she would be up for a blood test to rule out that and thyroid.
Metatone from Boots is a liquid boost of irons and things my mum swore by. I'd go with a blood test first though.

Sorry I should have been clear there, she isn't working 2 jobs, however her shift pattern varies in that sometimes she works nights and sometimes days, so if she's come off a night shift pattern then it can knock her for a day or so while her clock gets used to being up through the day, and vice versa. Currently, the last month or so she's working some extra shifts so a bit more than usual, but prior to this her libido was already basically how it is now anyway.

She had a period of depression in the past, however we worked through this and came out the other side. She's not showing any signs that she did previously, she's generally very happy and enjoys life on a day to day basis, we have a good social life with friends and she's looking forward to the wedding.

We've been to her GP twice about the tiredness, but they basically said both times that there was nothing wrong. They did a thyroid test but it came back as perfectly normal.

OP, you sound lovely, I admire your patience, you clearly love this woman dearly.

I think you will both will be able to get back what you had but she needs to tell you what exactly it is that is putting her off. Perhaps she needs an MOT, could be something medical she's not aware of.

You describe your sexlife as previously varied and exciting, which sounds great. You say now there is basically no foreplay. Did there used to be? Sorry to be indelicate, but how sure are you that she has reached climax with you (ever)?

Just asking as it can be hard for many women, virtually impossible without foreplay, and all the variety etc in the world will eventually get boring if the right button is not being pushed. Sorry to be so blunt. [Blush]

Annonemouse the general rule of thumb is that you don't marry hoping someone will change. They won't. I don't see why you think this is a phase, this has been going on for 18 months and doesn't look like it will change soon. I think that twice a month is probably just fine for her. Sex drives do lower in long-term relationships- that's what has happened here I think, not some external problem you are just going to be able to fix.

You may be right, the Pill can lower libido long-term but if you need it for contraception or other reasons, you may have to carry on with it.

I think imagining if you tweak her diet, it will all go back to how it was is a little naive. It is not just the libido is lower, her interest in doing fun exciting things during sex is lower. She's basically coasting along, in a way she's probably happy with, it doesn't sound like she thinks there's a problem and to be honest, if you have visited the doctors twice and it's all fine, then there probably isn't a major undiscovered health problem.

People's libidos don't generally increase on marriage and further into long-term relationships, they are higher early on. I think you might need to accept the status quo to some extent.

Yeah that's it really. I'm not sure what else we can do GP wise, she's been on several occasions to check up re tiredness and we got nowhere with that, and she's literally just had a load of checks before she gets the coil fitted and comes off the injection, all of which again came back fine.

I don't really know what to ask her if that makes sense, I mean I've quite literally explained to her that obviously it's not how it was, and that I'm in no way pushing, but that I've noticed it. She doesn't get upset as such about it, but she says she herself is unsure why she's how she is, the best way she can explain it is that she literally just doesn't even really think about sex.

Maybe it's far simpler, perhaps she's had an eye test on the quiet and realised I've been hit with the ugly stick haha!

Hormonal contraception is typically very destructive to a woman's sex drive.

All the talking in the world won't fix it if the hormones aren't playing along.

I speak from personal experience.

Thetallesttower, thanks for your reply. People can change all the time, you are the person you want to be. I don't mean to sound dreamy, but it's completely true. I don't want her to change either, I just want her to be back to herself, as I think she does too. I agree, it may not change soon, but I'm in it for the long haul regardless, I'm just trying to see if there's any bases I haven't covered really.

I think perhaps I've used a poor choice of words regarding diet. I'm under no illusions that if I slip her some spinach in a salad and green tea twice a day I'll be fending off her advances and yearning for a good nights sleep lol, it was sort of a side tangent to see if there was anything anyone else had used or taken perhaps while also on similar contraceptives that might have just helped with her tiredness a bit. Even if it does nothing for the sex drive at all it's still a result if it works and she's less worn down

I agree with what you're saying regarding the settling down of the sex drive into a relationship, but I think we had already settled down as it were after the first year or so of our relationship, we were at it like rabbits before then lol.