A little advice please

[Anonnemouse]

Good afternoon mumsnetters. First post, I'm basically just after a little advice perhaps, or maybe even just some female opinions. I'm a bloke, and in a long term relationship with my partner. She's wonderful and I think the world of her, we're getting married early next year. We're both late twenties.

Basically, our sex life has pretty much dried up over the past 18 months. I suspect that the cause of this has been work stress and possibly a self confidence issue. Whilst that sounds quite bad, it's where we are currently, and our relationship as a whole is great, I've no intentions of throwing the towel in or anything of the sort, I genuinely believe we're both very happy, I just wonder if there's anything else I can do to help her I haven't thought of. As a background, we've been together for nigh on 8 years, and previously had a very healthy sex life, varied and exciting rather than routine if you like.

My partner works night shifts regularly, a few nights a week, so she is only at home say 4 of 7 nights. Recently she's also been working harder as well to help pay for the wedding costs etc. If this had been a direct correlation to the lack of bedroom action, I'd totally understand that as she will often be tired when she gets in switching between night and day shifts as required, but it's never been a problem previously, she's done the same job for coming up to 6 years. Also, whereas previously we've been far more spontaneous, nowadays it's night-time, in bed, duvet's over. Gone are the days of nice underwear etc. This is perhaps where I'm thinking it could be a self confidence issue.

She's currently heavier than she's ever been, but she's not fat. I think she's gorgeous, I tell her regularly. She's never taken compliments easily as such, but she shrugs this off. She makes comments that she's frustrated that her clothes are tight etc. The kicker is, she hates the gym and won't go. I've made it very clear that I'm happy with her how she is and it doesn't matter to me in the slightest, but I've also tried to help out finding other things we can do that could help, like I've bought her a bike so we can go cycling, walks, and I've stopped cooking creamy curries and genuinely make an effort to cook her healthy food.

Regardless, she's far from "chunky", she's gorgeous, but I think this could perhaps be playing a part.

The other things that could be contributing I can think of are that she's been on the depo injection for contraception for the last 5 years. Now I also think that this could be a reason why she's struggling to shift any weight when she tries, as I've read that it can hinder this. She's about to come off that and have a coil fitted, as we haven't decided whether we want kids or not "post-marriage" and it can apparently take up to 2 years to conceive after coming off the injection. I've read that the coil is basically the same hormone administered via a different method though, so this may make no difference to either her weight loss or sex drive, if indeed this is contributing.

So, apologies for all the rambling, but the background info helps to paint a picture I guess? In essence I'm wondering if there's anything else I can do or try to help / support her and get her back to her old sexy self really. Is it just a common phase that women go through from time to time, is there anything I can try etc etc. I don't have any female friends as such, hence this approach.

Our actual relationship bar the lack of sex currently is fantastic, she's my best friend, and we're always laughing. There's no awkwardness, we're intimate and cuddly, snuggle up on the sofa for TV etc, plan things together well, communicate well etc. I'm 100% certain that neither of us are bored or perhaps looking elsewhere, it's basically just that she's lost her modjo and I still fancy the pants off her, although sadly not literally currently haha. I think it's just going to a case of bearing with it and being supportive, but I thought I might ask and see if any of you ladies had any suggestions.

Cheers

Maybe because you are being sooooooooo understanding she doesn't actually think there's a big issue here.

Sorry OP, you've been together nearly 8 years and the sex only started to dwindle 18 months ago?

The only thing I can say is that when I was completely exhausted, I never thought of sex. I didn't fancy it. And yes I did make the effort to have sex with DH but please do it as the only thing I could think about when I was lying in bed was to close my eyes and sleep.

It had nothing to do with my DH or my attraction to him. Nothing to do with the fact that 'things are like they are and will change' (as it happens they have and after a few years we now have an active sex life again).

The one thing I would ask is if you started to have sex less often at about the same time than she started to feel very tired (I would as her on that one).
Tiredness is a hard one. It has too many meaning depending who us using the word. But as she has gone to see her GP several times already, then I would suggest that the correct word isn't tired but fatigued it exhausted, which probably carry better how tired she actually is.

Another note: if she is exhausted and this is the reason why she has a low libido, then increasing exercise is going to make things worse....
If she is off sex because of stress, then it will help and she will feel energised by it.
Maybe something to think about too.

Anonnemouse, I don't have much to add to what others have already said, but I was on the depo injection for about 8 years in my 20s. For the first few years, there were no issues, but after about 5 years, there was a massive decrease in my libido, and I also put on 2 stone, despite exercising. When I came off the injection, the weight fell off very quickly without me really changing anything.

oikopolis, do you mind if I ask you to expand on your own experience?

Hookedonchoc, allow me to explain, hopefully without being too forward or graphic. Currently there is basically no foreplay as I say, but I attribute this to it being more of a case of 'going through the motions' at the moment.

Previously, there would be lots of foreplay, we very rarely did "quickies". My idea of varied and exciting may well be tame compared to others I'd imagine, we haven't been into chains or anything lol, but we've had many weekends away, worked our way around the rooms of the house, my partner used to occasionally initiate sex if she woke up through the night, she also has lots of underwear and outfits she used to buy, we have sex toys we use, kissable massage oils etc, we've used blindfolds, enjoyed sex outdoors before, etc. She previously had as much of an appetite as I did. I agree with you regarding climax as well, my partner has always found it hard to climax through penetration alone, but for this reason we use a small vibrator for clitoral stimulation. We've also played with ice cubes and the sensation gels etc.

All in, I would happily describe our sex life previously as healthy and rewarding. Whilst I do miss it, I'm not sitting in a dark cupboard crying about it either, we're both adults and I appreciate she's not going to be up for it 24/7/365 for her entire life, there will be periods like this one where it's not a priority. The point of this post really was just to discuss it, as I don't really have anyone I'd feel comfortable discussing it with in person, and also just to see if there was anything I hadn't thought of or considered really

Hopefully that's not too "out there" anyway.

shoppingfrenzy, that's very interesting, that's pretty much where she's at. She's been on the Depo for 5 years pretty much to the dot, and although she's never "piled the weight on", whereas she was 9stone, she's now 10 stone odd, it's been a gradual increase. The thing is, whatever she tries she finds it almost impossible to lose any weight, which annoys her.

I think if there's no change a few months after the coil fitment I'll suggest she has it removed and comes off contraception altogether for a while to see how that fares.

Jan45, I am understanding, but she is as well. She does understand that I do miss it, and she says she does as well, she just doesn't get why she doesn't have the drive she did. I don't feel it's a case of her deciding she can get away without it at all, and I think if that was the case, she would just tell me that.

Another vote for Ditching hormonal contraception. Made me tired and uninterested in sex. At the time I thought it was a massive improvement, liked control over periods etc. I look back over first few years of my marriage and ehile they were lovely, I was tired, down, worn out. Pill was a blight. Suggest a break between depo and coil rather than rushing straight in

Also that is correct, together nearly 8 years, sex drive started noticeably dwindling around 18 months ago.

I would question the depression aspect further. Does she take anti depressants for example? Depression and the ADs are well known for lowering libido.

Other than that I think the tiredness can be a sex drive killer voice of experience.

I really hope she manages to get this sorted as it must be miserable for her too. You come across as very concerned and caring but maybe lay off even thinking about sex for a while and please don't make jokes about how long it's been or tell her that you want to have sex as that may make her feel even worse.

She doesn't take anti depressants or any routine medication. The depression episode I believe is firmly dealt with now and hopefully will stay in the past. Having dealt with it at the time I think I would pick up on the tell tale signs fast, I can read her very well. Currently, she's a happy lady, albeit a tired and celibate one haha.

My approach to it currently has pretty much been lay off thinking about it. It's come up in conversation as we've obviously discussed the contraception changes etc so I'm happy we both know where we stand on it, I don't attempt to initiate sex currently as she's waiting for her coil fitment anyway, and also as she has openly talked about the lack of libido with me, I don't want to push her into just having sex for the sake of it, that holds no appeal to me, I want her to want to have sex, not want to have sex because of me.

to add to that, obviously that may sound as if I'm burying my head in the sand, which isn't the case, but it's obviously not going to be a quick fix, so there is little point in pushing her when she's already conscious that it's "her and not me"

Sorry Anon, had to ask! Hopefully, quitting the depo will help. When I was on the pill it made me want sex less and put me under a cloud. When I quit it was like the sun came out. A word of warning, though, the arrival of children kill many couples' sex lives altogether, even if they were at it like rabbits before.

FWIW, I would not recommend going along with quickies which are basically a favour to you. Yes, in the short term you get some sex. But presumably the last thing you want is to reinforce the idea that sex is something she does for you to keep you happy. If she is up for it in any way shape or form I would insist she gets maximum enjoyment from it if you see what I mean.

She may well be resistant and prefer to "get it over with" so she can sleep; but while it may seem like a good idea to take what you can get and not reject her, giving her pleasure at the expense of your own might work wonders in the long term. If it was me, I would say either we both get there or neither of us does. It's the only way I can see to avoid sex becoming a chore for her.

Again, sorry for butting in and telling you what you probably already know!

Sorry, X posted.
Also, fingers crossed the coil is a success. Many complain about it, but for me it has been a godsend so hopefully will be for her too (mirena coil in my case).

Thanks

Yeah it's the Mirena she's on as well. Different people have different reactions to it of course, but fingers crossed it's positive.

I agree with the points you make in your post

Re the tiredness; how well does she sleep? I know that shifts can play havoc with quality and quantity of sleep so I was just wondering if it's case that she has poor quality sleep and that's a contributing factor.

My experience was, when I was say under 24/25, I could just about manage to have a drive while on the pill. Youthful enthusiasm must have been enough. Then from there with each year my drive just got lower and lower and lower. Just had no urge. Loved/Love my DH and didn't want to feel that way, but did unfortunately. Almost like that feeling when you're off your food and everything tastes like sand/isn't enjoyable, but you know you've got to eat so you manage to. Really not nice because didn't reflect my feelings for my DH.

Went off pill to get pregnant, got pregnant immediately, am now nearly 2 years post partum, not using hormonal BC and drive is MUCH higher. I am even still breastfeeding, that's meant to reduce drive! The two weeks between period and ovulation are crazily randy. (Ovulation to period is the "dry spell", where interest wanes again, but it's always back again like clockwork as cycle progresses.) Am now just past 30.

Have also lost a bit of weight that slowly started to pile on towards the end of my time on the pill. I've never been big, but deffo started to slowly expand the longer I was on the pill. My blood pressure was also slowly rising... now back to a healthly/lowish level.

I think it's really quite unfortunate that hormonal birth control theoretically frees women to enjoy sex... but then simultaneously removes the urge. V sad.

Morning folks.

NorthEasterlyGale - We have differing opinions slightly on her sleep. Generally I think she sleeps very well, she doesn't always agree though. Obviously when you're tired you're tired, but she often naps in the afternoon if she's not on shift, which I personally think may not help. Then again, I don't work night shifts so my own clock isn't skewed as it were, I also need less sleep generally than she does. She does often comment that she doesn't sleep well, and she downloaded one of these apps that records any disturbs overnight, the only noises were basically her snoring lol.

Oikopolis - that sums up pretty much exactly how I think we find ourselves. I don't feel for one moment that she doesn't love me or care for me, I expect I'd feel entirely different about the situation if that were the case, and this would be the least of my worries lol, but I'm very happy and confident she does. Your analogy of being off your food but knowing you have to eat is excellent.

Her coil fitting is on Friday, so I guess over the next few weeks / months we'll see if there is any indication of change due to hormones. IIRC the effects of the injection take a good while to work their way out of your system, even though her next one would be due now as it were. I think if there is no change at all then I'll suggest we knock that form of contraception on the head entirely to see if that changes anything. As many of you point out, ironically it's unnecessary currently anyway!

Hmm, okay, a little far fetched and I'm probably over-thinking this, but if she's snoring and feeling tired, could she be suffering from sleep apnoea www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Sleep-apnoea/Pages/Symptoms.aspx?