Does anyone else think Mumsnet affects their marriage?

[redmimi]

Frequent lurker but first time poster and won't be surprised to get flamed for this.

My marriage is far from perfect otherwise I suppose I wouldn't have found this forum. Married nearly 8 years, together 11 years. We have a 20 month and nearly 3.5 year old and have struggled with the usual stresses and strains of parenthood. I admit I find being a Mum hard but we are lucky in many ways. We have family support, a lovely home, no money worries and I have local friends.

I have trust and self esteem issues. I partly blame this on my much loved Dad who had an affair and left my Mum when I was 11.

My husband has always been very confident and sexual which was what attracted me to start with if I'm honest. I also knew very early on that he liked porn and had no problem with that.

However, several years on, 3 stone weight gain, less self confidence and a shit sex life I find myself paranoid.

Since finding MN I am obsessed. I read stories, with which I fully sympathise, and am constantly checking husband's emails and internet history and questionning him. He is far from happy as feels I don't trust him. I don't trust him though and have found things I'm not happy with. Nothing blatant but websites. My main problem is he just denies and I am assuming 'the script'. But then on safari advanced data less than 0.2kb so don't know if pop-ups (not blocked). I feel he should be apologetic and reassuring but he just says he hasn't done anything and that I'm determined we end in divorce.

I do seem intent on finding something but actually don't want to destroy our family. It would break my heart. I just can't accept that he isn't being deceitful in some way.

Sorry this is long and rambling. I'm obviously not blaming MN and maybe I'm minimising but wonder if I want our family to work maybe I just need to stop looking for 'something' bad.

It sounds like a lot of your problems stem from insecurity. If you don't think you're worthy of love, you'll be constantly looking for proof that you're right. At the same time, when you say he's 'very confident and sexual' I wonder if you mean he flirts with people or has/had a reputation as a ladies' man? If you're insecure to begin with, add something like that to porn use and lies about porn use and you've got a really bad combination.

The pair of you are good candidates for marital counselling. You have to find a way to improve the communication, openness and honesty all round.

You're right and I'm sorry my thread title is probably totally wrong. I accept we have issues but I feel they are exacerbated, on my part, by reading threads and then looking for evidence. I do know this is not MN fault.

There is some great advice on here and it also helped me greatly with my recent relationship decisions. At the same time I do see some horrendous advice on here with people advising folk of life changing decisions only knowing one side of the story. Swings and roundabouts.

Its made me feel like mine is not as bad as i otherwise might have thought him to be. When i read on here about women getting hit, shoved, called vile names, denied access to money , sulked at, sneered at etc etc i just keep thinking how much worse it could be for me and that i dont have the right to complain given what misery others are living with

I am a very confident and secure woman but after reading endless stories on here, like natasha I do sometimes wonder if I'm a bit smug and too trusting.
Often I hear stuff in real life too that makes me feel the same.
My exh cheated on me after 18 yrs and four children so I shouldn't really be so shocked but I can totally see why that happened and with hindsight the warning signs were pretty obvious, I just chose not to see them.
I wonder if that's the case with some of the stories on here.

MN has made me appreciate my DH, has helped me support my DH through bereavement and depression and stress, and has made him laugh a few times too.

Life would have been much harder for both of us without MN.

I don't agree with cheating but I always feel that if someone feels the need to cheat then their relationship ain't right.

A friend of mine recently cheated on his girlfriend of 5 years. She was a misery and he had become a misery. He was my best man at my wedding and she totally destroyed his personality. I'd been telling him for years to let her go as he wasn't happy but he was gutless.

In the end he cheated on her, he got incredibly sloppy with it and he wanted to get caught. He did get caught. They split up. He's with his new lady and she's fantastic. He's back to his normal excellent self and it's the best thing he every did. Cheating is horrible but I'm glad he did it. It's shitty on his ex but if she wasn't such a sole destroying, life sucking misery he wouldn't have cheated on her.

For me it would be really unattractive of a woman not to trust me and this forum sometimes doesn't help with this. Not every man is upto something.

You need to read the forums with an open mind and accept that they won't slways apply to you. My h is a bit pissed off with mn too. He thinkd it breeds insecurity. But for me it helps me to see he is amazing compared to some.

My DP is a little bit patronising about MN but I also have friends who say 'Is that from bloody MN" as I'm always quoting/mentioning it

The good thing about the advice from MN is that it helps you put perspective into your own life and problems. When you are going through a tough time in some area of your life, you can post here and realise you are not alone in your situation.

As for the cheating, I think porn is an addiction, not cheating as such. It's like dealing with an alcohol problem. You need to address the problem with your partner, but try not to obsess too much about it as it can really affect your wellbeing. Keep talking to him and explain why it upsets you so much.

I honestly think MN has hindered more marriages that it has helped.

I also think OP's issues don't have a great deal to do with MN. Good luck OP, need to relax a little.

I think mn problem page is slightly addictive and if you read it enough you'll start to think some of the behaviour here is the norm - it's not.
I'm often very surprised when people post telling a complete stranger exactly what to do in their circumstances, surely they should just suggest options....

yes, it does.

we argue less, coz I'm busy posting here

Hah, I was going to post that yes, I find my marriage is better thanks to mumsnet!

Then read your post!

The problem is probably your low self-esteem. If you had better self-esteem you might deal better with your DH problems. What about trying counseling for a start.

Mine is better too. Mainly because it helped me understand how healthy relationships worked.

I don't tend to read affair threads though. I don't have experience so I don't feel I have anything to offer. DH and I lived in separate countries for a year so if he wanted to cheat he had ample chance. I don't want to obsess over it. I don't think he has, or would.

Total opposite here.

I'm a paranoid and jealous bitch insecure person and the mature and measured responses from the frequent posters here over the years have taught me to recognise my own insecurities for what they are.

I would go so far as to say MN has changed DH for the better too. In many ways. Through me. IYSWIM.

It made me realise that things I put up with "because that's the way he is" we're actually because he was treating me like shit and he was disrespectful and EA at times.

Thank god for MN

All my years on MN have improved my marriage. It has helped me appreciate all his good points instead of taking them for granted and getting complacent. It has made me more articulate, better able to verbalise emotional issues and helped me detangle an awful lot of stuff that had obviously been weighing me down without me even realising it

When used properly, it's like a free (if unqualified) counselling service

If all you see are man haters, you are not reading it right

MN provided me with support and a sounding board during an abusive marriage when I was really struggling, after telling a couple medical professionals in RL yielded no help or support whatsoever. The support I received gave me the strength to organise myself to get out of the marriage, encouraged me to keep telling people in RL so I could get help, and supported me until I could finally get the counselling I needed to help me come to terms with everything and move ahead again.

I don't see man haters either. I see women (and men) who are not afraid to say that abusive behaviour is abusive, to tell an OP to do what is best for herself and her DCs, and always encourage counselling and RL support in these types of situations - so they are aware of and encourage RL support networks. That IMO shows measured advice and responsible thinking, knowing that the OP is a real person that is living the situation not a tv drama that they want to get their vote in on the scenario.

If someone overinvests in MN, that's a personal issue. That's certainly not the fault of MN overall.

Pretty much what AnyFucker said.

I agree with AnyFucker and Alice. I was in a long, abusive relationship before meeting my lovely DH, and it was reading stuff on MN that first made me admit to myself that the relationship was horrible, and that it wasn't my fault. Such a massive lightbulb moment. Now, I feel that I have a better knowledge of what a healthy relationship looks like, and that is reflected in my marriage now.

Plus, when I read the stories of women who are now in the same position I was with my ex, it makes me thankful for my DH, and thankful that I had my eyes opened & that I found the strength to want something more for myself. I hope I can pass this information on to my own DD, so she does not have to experience what I did.

Some people do like to trash that aspect of MN though. Us as a bunch of home wreckers, eh. One can only speculate as to why that might be.