Does anyone else think Mumsnet affects their marriage?

[redmimi]

Frequent lurker but first time poster and won't be surprised to get flamed for this.

My marriage is far from perfect otherwise I suppose I wouldn't have found this forum. Married nearly 8 years, together 11 years. We have a 20 month and nearly 3.5 year old and have struggled with the usual stresses and strains of parenthood. I admit I find being a Mum hard but we are lucky in many ways. We have family support, a lovely home, no money worries and I have local friends.

I have trust and self esteem issues. I partly blame this on my much loved Dad who had an affair and left my Mum when I was 11.

My husband has always been very confident and sexual which was what attracted me to start with if I'm honest. I also knew very early on that he liked porn and had no problem with that.

However, several years on, 3 stone weight gain, less self confidence and a shit sex life I find myself paranoid.

Since finding MN I am obsessed. I read stories, with which I fully sympathise, and am constantly checking husband's emails and internet history and questionning him. He is far from happy as feels I don't trust him. I don't trust him though and have found things I'm not happy with. Nothing blatant but websites. My main problem is he just denies and I am assuming 'the script'. But then on safari advanced data less than 0.2kb so don't know if pop-ups (not blocked). I feel he should be apologetic and reassuring but he just says he hasn't done anything and that I'm determined we end in divorce.

I do seem intent on finding something but actually don't want to destroy our family. It would break my heart. I just can't accept that he isn't being deceitful in some way.

Sorry this is long and rambling. I'm obviously not blaming MN and maybe I'm minimising but wonder if I want our family to work maybe I just need to stop looking for 'something' bad.

ver the last few months mumsnet and loveshack forum have really helped me with my problems. I had a really bad time with a guy at the end of last year and having been off the dating scene for quite a while it affected me more.coming on here and reading that other people were in the same boat as me and that we seem to be surrounded by problems (and cheats!) funnily enough made me feel loads better and I have become a bit obsessed with following the forums daily. At work I am surrounded by happy couples which made me feel like I was a failure and the only person with relationship issues. If you dont have issues though I can see how mumsnet would make you feel paranoid about trusting your OH. I recently got chatting to a guy on Tinder who flirted, wanted to take me out, etc etc and when I did a bit of googling I found him on Facebook with his wife and two very young children, setting off for a holiday in Turkey that week!!! His wife was commenting on how she was so proud of her little family, blah blah..totally oblivious to the fact that he is on Tinder! I blame a lot of it on modern technology and social media!! And the fact that men can't keep it in their pants!

MN made me realise what fucked up piece of shit my relationship is.

Thanks ladies

What AF said, especally in regarding MN as a source of (unqualified) counselling...it is a virtual support group and has helped me greatly.

I think it can be hard to see a circumstance in your RL relationship and then read about something similar here...and then determining if the compairson is really apples to apples iyswim.

Redmimi, my first thought for you was that perhaps you have not recovered from the breakup of your family of origin. Knowing that your trust and self-esteem issues stem from that event is not the same as dealing with it, and recovering from it. Especially at such a young and immpressionable age as 11 yo, it would be hard for those painful events to not create a sort of template for the future (and you can see that shoving people into a preset template is not the best thing to do). Perhaps seeking out counselling for yourself for this might help you see your relationship without looking through that filter created by your past.

MN helped me to realise what a hideous relationship I was in and what horrific abuse I was putting my children through

Happily I've been out for twenty months now. I'm getting the help I need as are my dcs. They currently have no contact with their father except via letter (court ordered) and he is at the centre of an investigation for rape.

I see no man haters. I see a bunch of people who quite literally saved my sanity and offered my children a chance of a childhood.

If I had a pound for every OP that said "I know he watches porn but I don't have a problem with that" and then goes on to list a catalogue of problems with a horrible P, I'd be accessing MN from a hammock in Fiji or somewhere equally gorgeous.

Personally MN relationship threads helped me to stop ignoring my own Relationship issues, shone a light on some major problems, and helped me map out my & the DC's route out of an unhappy relationship into a much better place as a single parent.

The assaults my self confidence had suffered over the years were slowly healed by the wisdom here. It's like a "pickmeup and sortmeout" garden.

The MOST important thing it showed me was XP was a cunt because he chose to be one. Not because he had a horrid childhood etc etc or all the other excuses I made up for him. He CHOSE to treat me like shit and grind me down. And I was too freaking nice and trying too hard to understand and know what on earth could be wrong - and yes Mr Suave and Lovely 80% of the time was actually trying to grind me down to the ground - which he saw/sees as my place.

And now I am free and feeling better all the time.

Yes, I'm sure MN has caused a spike in the divorce stats.

my theory on the porn:

its not actually about women, it's about frumpy,lacking men.

For my generation - 20's - the widespread availability of porn means many men are basically self-emasculating themselves into inert, NON-sexual beings? (which is ironic given the marketing is sexual!)

They don't develop social skills, see women as "sources" or "things".

The key fact about the women in porn, is they don't judge. And I think a bit of judging, of thinking "I need to develop these social or sexual skills" is necessary to self-development?

Result of porn use: the "men" then can't get it up, they can't deal with anything in Real Life any more. They're sub-men. Inferior beings.

Sex is the red herring, they're turning themselves into the kind of person who'd rather sit and discuss things with a passive audience than actually do anything.

Eg, if you're unlucky, you'll come across men on the OD experience who are incapable of having an interaction with a real human being, and would rather turn themselves into the impressive CyberBigBoy whilst sexting and wanking. He's probably an uggo, or is scared someone will judge/reject him.

They're CHOOSING to turn themselves into lumps of asexual, unmasculine rubbish.

It's like I run, so I know a fair bit about running, and of course reap the health benefits IRL: I don't sit and watch Sky Sports endlessly for some image of perfection and then claim to have running as interest?

PS So although I started with a fairly "neutral" stance, now porn is a no-no for me, for a potential lover. Simply as anyone who uses it is going to be shit in bed and not really a man.

PSS OP, I think if you're feeling paranoid its actually misplaced guilt. It's that maybe you're scared of judging HIM. your husband.

Because if you turned your spotlight on who is actually causing the "shit sex life", I reckon it wouldn't be you. And it wouldn't be all the women making porn. And it wouldn't be MN users?

Objectively, is he actually a catch, or are you just building him up to be one in your head?

I wonder if your dad leaving means you've internalised that "women/girls have to impress, and win a man's attention".

but that's not the way the world is? I'm single and date sometimes, and if I found someone was rubbish in bed I'd just smirk and go "oh he's shit that was funny", not take it as MY responsibility.

BeCool I agree that my heart sinks when I read "I have no objection to porn, but...." and the list of "buts" often turns out to be fucking horrendous. When are we going to wake up and realise that porn damages both women and men ?

yes yes - lots of us are awake already thank goodness, but lots more women and men need to wake up to this indeed.

As I see it, the only people porn is good for are the people at the top of the industry making big bucks out of it. Oh and the ISP's of course.

Everyone else is just kidding themselves.

yup

An orgasm trumps everything though, huh

Sorry OP but the porn use is probably why your sex life is shit, if your OH won't address it then he's happy with the status quo, doesn't mean you should be, he's getting his rocks off on websites and god knows what else whilst you sit feeling inadequate.

It's not YOU, it's his use of porn and his lack of consideration to you and your relationship as a whole.

No wonder you don't trust him but has nothing to do with MN.

A few years ago I heard a porn maker being interviewed on a late night programme. He said that pornography was driving technology and not the other way round. It was their aim to make porn available any time, anyhow and anywhere.

I hate it. I would be so upset to be with a man who used it and thought I should be ok with it. If anything MN is putting me off men!!

I broke up with someone just before Christmas. He now seems like a saint compared to some of the men I read about on here. I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake getting out of it, but have to remind myself just how unhappy I was and how incompatible we were but I miss the kindness he showed to me. :(

I think Annabel has it sussed re: porn. It is the new addiction.

Who would want to shake hands with these guys if they knew!!?

I think reading about some men on here who are addicted to porn, will only date young women, treat women like shit etc. I can understand why it effects people. Sometimes it makes me hate men even though I have a good dh.
The more you are exposed to something, it can start to feel like that is normal.

I get sad when woman are told that they are pathetic or needy when they object to their partners visiting strip clubs or watching porn.
I actually think it's pathetic and needy to not mind

You take from it what you want and discard the rest, well I do. It helped me dump a wanker It also helps me sort out the wheat from the chaffe in the dating world. Overall it helps me stay strong. The only minus (thing you need to watch a bit) is something very fixable can be blown out of all proportion, but once again, you, the reader needs to decide this.

I personally find porn boring. Would I date a guy that watched it? Depends what he watched to be honest. My father used to buy forum (he liked a bit of a story) When younger mates and I used to steel them and have a good giggle about it (we also used to look through my mums catalogue and titter over the mens underwear section)