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Relationships

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Original poster

would this bother you? (new relationship, dreaded facebook etc)

38 replies

springispsrung · 05/05/2014 20:26

Recently met someone, only been a few weeks so far but all going well.

Was talking to some friends today about a recent night out, and one of them mentioned a nice photo I'd been tagged in on Facebook, I said I'd have to email a copy of it to my bf, as he's not my friend on there.

Cue friends giving me the face - he's not FB friends with me yet as while his divorce from STBXW is going through she's still on his, and he doesn't (understandably) want to rock the boat too much with her.

That seems fine to me, no big deal as it's only Facebook, but my friends thought it was all wrong, one of them said they thought still being friends with his XW was a red flag, which wasnt something I was aware of.

What do people think?

OP posts:

Jengnr · 05/05/2014 20:36

Still being friends with her isn't. Not being friends with you is.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2014 20:38

Not being a FB wouldn't bother me so much because I think it's a silly thing anyway. That he isn't divorced yet could be problematic. I don't think it actually is 'understandable' that risking his STBXW finding out he has a new girlfriend would rock the boat. Some people get upset at the idea of their exes moving on with someone new.... has she been painted as unreasonable or vindictive? Then again, if she's still his DW and he's not actually in the process of a divorce that would fit as well. How well do you know him?

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/05/2014 20:40

Ditto Jengnr. I informed my exH and he informed me, as a matter of courtesy, when we started dating after the divorce. We have mutual friends and didn't want things to be awkward for people. Staying friends is admirable. If he thinks it is too soon for people to know he is seeing someone, it may have been too soon to start seeing someone. Hiding it is not good.

InTheNorth123 · 05/05/2014 20:43

Has he got DC with his STBXW? If not, I can't really understand the whole 'not wanting to upset her' thing. Also, could he not just accept you as a friend without declaring you as his girlfriend? Surely his STBXW wouldn't monitor who he is friends with on FB?

chipsandpeas · 05/05/2014 20:46

its only been a few weeks so wouldnt bother me.....if you had been together say 6 months then yeah i would think it was odd

tribpot · 05/05/2014 20:47

I have friends who are going through a separation (still living in the same house). Both are dating (well, one is dating and the other is still seeing the guy she left my friend for) but none of this is known on Facebook because they're trying to control the fallout as this longstanding relationship dissolves.

It's only been a few weeks, I don't think I'd be unduly upset yet, but I'd be keeping an eye on this.

DeliberatelyDreaming · 05/05/2014 20:47

I loathe and detest FB and this is the reason why. Some people think A is how you should behave and some think B, you're then left feeling no matter what you do it's wrong. If you know absolutely your man is separated from his stbxw then you and him do what's right for you and ignore everyone else. Good luck.

Original poster

springispsrung · 05/05/2014 20:49

I've been to his house several times so know he is single.

They've been separated for nearly a year, divorce is in progress (I believe the first stage - nisi? - has been applied for) just not yet finalised. There were delays on both sides - so he's not suggested she was at fault/was unreasonable. He accepts they both should sorted it out sooner, with hindsight.

Yes, there are DC involved (who I havent met yet, that's a long way off I think) and that's why he's being cautious, as financial/access arrangements are still being agreed and doesnt want to do anything that might lengthen the process.

He could accept me as a friend, but he doesn't have many friends on there (about 50-60 I think) and they're basically family, school/college friends and (male) work colleagues, so it might be a little bit obvious.

OP posts:

MirandaWest · 05/05/2014 20:49

I wouldn't worry about the not being Facebook friends with him - just looked and it took my bf and me 5 months to become Facebook friends and we were definitely more than actual friends before that :)

OleaAndMarge · 05/05/2014 20:52

Red flag for me :)

ForeskinHyena · 05/05/2014 20:53

My DP was FB friends with his ex when we met. He added me within a week (but we didn't change our relationship statuses for a few weeks!)

I found it odd to see comments on his stuff from her and was a bit concerned about tagging him in things, but whether she got fed up with my gushing valentines/anniversary pronouncements or he got fed up with her wittering on about how much wine she'd drunk, they appear not to be FB buddies any more! Unless I'm just blocked from seeing stuff somehow (not an FB nerd).

He still has all her family as friends and she has his, so I presume they still see each other's comments etc. They are reasonably amicable in RL.

My ex wasn't on FB when we split but discovered a new sociable side when he left! No way I'd add him now though and if we had been FB friends before I'd have deleted him when we split.

I don't think it's a red flag that exes are still FB friends and it allows you to see their relationship in public, comments they each make, things they like etc. which puts things into context.

Original poster

springispsrung · 05/05/2014 20:57

I don't feel it's much of a worry yet, obviously if in another 6 months we're still not friends on there I might feel differently, but for now it doesn't bother me.

I don't have any problem with his Ex being his friend on there at all, in fact I think (because of DC etc) it makes a lot of sense. It's more me and him not being friends that my own friends found odd

OP posts:

Minime85 · 05/05/2014 21:02

I'm still friends with my ex on Facebook. we have photos of dcs on there that each other is linked to and to be honest I'm nosey. equally new man I'm seeing is not my friend on there as he just isn't that into fb. I did wonder about it but I'm really not that bothered. what he is like in real life is more important

VelmaD · 05/05/2014 21:08

Im friends with my exh on fb. He tags me in pictures of the kids and vice versa. Im friends with his girlfriend too.

Im friends with my boyfriend on there. He's also friends with his exw. They have no children but she was involved with his son. She's not friends with any of his family, where as I am. There was no worry about accepting and "rocking the boat" even though when we had met we were both at the nisi submittal stage in our divorces.

I would say if you're happy then leave it be. If he still won't add you when you've been together six months and his divorce is through id rise an eyebrow or two but right now I wouldn't be concerned.

ForeskinHyena · 05/05/2014 21:09

Yes spring, I think a lot of people with DCs keep their ex as a friend to share photos. I do think it's a bit odd that he hasn't added you, but understand why it might be best not to do anything to rock the boat while financial discussions take place.

Were you an OW at all or is there any question over that? It might make more sense if that is the case. If he has been separated for some time before meeting you I don't see why she should have a problem, but that's not to say she won't. He knows her best.

Redglitter · 05/05/2014 21:15

If it seems reasonable to you then thats the important thing not what friends think. Too many people put too much importance in FB

ThePinkOcelot · 05/05/2014 21:27

Seriously, who gives a fuck about Facebook?!

RedRoom · 05/05/2014 21:33

What pinkocelot says. Who gives a shite about being Facebook friends.

Original poster

springispsrung · 05/05/2014 21:33

I wasn't an OW, we only met very recently, he and his STBXW separated middle of last year.

I really don't mind, it was more my friends saying they thought it was red flag etc that made me wonder if I was out of step somehow!

OP posts:

Adayinthelifeof · 05/05/2014 21:37

It depends where they're at with their divorce. If they are still sorting finances and custody then I can fully understand why he wouldn't want to rock the boat and announce you on Facebook. However if they are separated, finances are sorted and it's just a case of waiting for the divorce to finalise then I can't see why you can't be FB friends.

redandbluestripes · 05/05/2014 21:54

I don't have my DH on FB and we've been married for 7 years. I almost never mention him on there and sometimes people are surprised to know that I'm not single! I use FB mostly for female friends and people I know through a hobby, I don't have other family members on there either. I think DH might have exes on his FB, I don't really care as he logs in about once a year.

I do have one ex on there who looked me up - I added him so I could nosy at his photos, but locked down most of my profile so he can't snoop at mine

Original poster

springispsrung · 05/05/2014 21:58

they're still at the stage of agreeing/negotiating the financial and access stuff.

OP posts:

ForeskinHyena · 05/05/2014 22:27

Nah, if you're ok with it don't worry about what your friends think (MN's opinion however is very important )

tiawalters · 05/05/2014 22:41

Ahhh another FB situation creating unnecessary problems to people. Wouldn't it be better to just both delete your accounts and enjoy or develop your relationship in the real world only?

FB doesn't mean anything apart from a bunch of bored people who have nothing better to do with their lives than gossiping and peeping into other people's lives. He probably just wants to protect you and your relationship from all that crap.

littleblackno · 05/05/2014 22:51

I was friends with my exh for a while after we split up, I was very careful about what I put on fb as I was aware he would see it and as we were negotiating finances etc I didn't want to rock the boat. I went on a few dates (nothing more) with a guy who couldn't understand why I didn't want to be fb friends with him, I didn't at that point want my ex to know I was dating. Partly as the divorce wasn't finalised and partly as it was none of his business but he would have made things very difficult.
I really don't think this is an issue if you are happy with new man.

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