Curvy ones with big knockers!!

[Tiggs2]

I'm sitting here and wondering how to put into words about how i'm feeling right now. I think its a mixture of feeling sad, angry, fed-up, confused, hurt and an overall feeling of wanting to shout to hell with it all.

Since my DH retired he seems to have developed a few addictions, and if I dare to mention any one of them being bad for him then I get told that I'm trying to control him. The only one I haven't mentioned to him is the porn, and its doing my head in. We have always had an ok sex life, quality more than quantity and I know that he has always had an interest in porn and I've left him to it, we have had rows over it in the past, so I don't mention it now as it would cause huge rows. Its a bit like the subject of him looking at other women all the time, its always the curvy ones with big knockers, and it happens wherever we seem to go,
that makes me feel like sh## aswell as unfortunately I happen to be small breasted!

Lately though I think the porn seems to be happening a bit more, and I'm guessing this is the reason why its a big struggle to get him to come to bed at night. What he does is follow me up about half hour to an hour later, but it can be a real pain as I cannot sleep until he is in bed, and sometimes i'm knackered!

The other morning he was up earlier than me and looking at stuff on his comp when he showed me an item he was interested in, on a popular auction site, then I happened to notice there was a tab open on the bottom, which looked like a live sex cam site or something, but I couldn't read it that quickly! I said nothing but wished I bloody had as its done my head in ever since. I know it was a mistake on his part because he very quickly shut the page down, and no way would he ever have attempted to show me anything like that if it was porn!

I am so very hurt if he is using webcam sites, I always thought that you had to pay for them, which he couldn't do as I do our banking, but this has made me feel inadequate and sad, hurt and angry. It Feels like its overstepping the line. He keeps asking me if I'm ok as i'm in a funny mood, but it if mention the porn thing then there will be a huge row, he gets very, very defensive and it could be days before we talk, or rather till I make the move.
Feel like I want to run away....

I think a 'huge row' is something you have to risk. If he's the type that sulks simply because his behaviour is challenged then he's not a very pleasant individual. If you typically avoided expressing yourself because you feared his reaction then you'd be the victim of bullying or emotional abuse as it's sometimes called.

You are fully entitled to say that you don't like this porn habit, that it hurts your feelings and that you want him to stop out of love and respect for you. If he chooses to get aggressive or sulk rather than be reasonable then you have bigger problems in your marriage than porn.

I think you need to have a talk about it. Sweeping it under the carpet is making you feel worse.
It isn't unreasonable for you to say you aren't happy with this habit, that you can't sleep until he comes to bed and it tires you out, that you are worried/upset as to what you saw on the computer.

They're clever aren't they?? Sulkers. He's a really got you to shut the f up about his porn habit. To the point that you're miserable about it.

Eugh, he's pretty sleazy isn't he so the porn addiction is no surprise, sorry but I would resent the hell out of him for using porn in our relationship, you've tried to ignore it but you know it's always there. All the porn use will do is continue to give him unhealthy and unbalanced view of females and sex as well as probably giving him the idea that it's fine to ogle women in front of you, neither is.

You will have to risk the argument I'm afraid or put up and shut up.

yourbrainonporn.com/

Porn often escalates to cams and stuff. I've had similar in a previous relationship and I eventually lost all respect for him. Row or not , you need to tell him point blank you won't tolerate him Perving on women when your out. If he did it even once more I simply wouldn't go out with him again. Leave him at home to have a relationship with his computer.

You don't have to put up and shut up.

I'm sitting here now and wondering how the hell to start the conversation over this. Don't get me wrong, I'm not scared its just that I know pretty much how it will go! Dh will get defensive, will deny anything and probably get angry! Though I have ideas on whats been happening, I don't have any solid proof as yet, and what I seen the other day when he showed me the comp (an open tab at the bottom of page) wasn't the full title page so I can't actually prove that one! He could say it was something totally different! God I'm so fed up, and it makes me feel like I'm no longer good enough! :-(

Have you checked the history on the computer?
If he hasn't deleted it, it should state how bad the habit is and you'd have evidence.

OP you mention he has many addictions, porn being one, when you raise any of the issues he goes on the defence and gets angry, how is that communicating with you and accepting your feelings are valid and then working on it together, you don't need evidence of him being a self centred twat, he just is, you either carry on putting up with him doing whatever he likes, no matter how it bothers you or, you make a stand.

Ugh

Ha, AF - the voice of reason!

It might have been a pop-up which is common or he might of actually be on those sites, as you have mentioned it needs payment for credits.

This is a bit leftfield but how about looking at it with him at the same time? then a few comments like - shes a bit young, looks like niece, her boobs are wonky, I bet she gets backache with those?, I wonder if they get cramp? and hopefully cillit Bang and the boner is gone!

Yes, that's a good plan. Add to the objectification of women by demeaning them even further with personal comments about their sex organs ? That's going to bring the mutual romance right back

The fat bastard my ex used to ogle women all the time. It did used to upset me and make me feel shit about myself until I looked at him one day as some voluptuous young thing walked past our table in a restaurant and he practically started dribbling into his dinner. Once it would have upset me terribly, there's no way I could compete with the object of his admiration ... but this time I saw him for what he truly was for the first time, and what I saw what a dirty old git letching after a beautiful young girl who wouldn't look twice at him. He might as well been looking at the moon.

It was like someone switching on a light. What I saw sat opposite me was a pathetic old letch, eyeing up all these women who wouldn't give him a second glance. The epitome of the 'dirty old man'.

No disrespect but that's what your H sounds like - a dirty old man. Don't let him make you feel inadequate. He's the one who is inadequate. Don't let him make you feel like you're not good enough. He's the one who is not good enough. Sat there looking at women on the internet playing with his todger. Ogling women with big tits in RL. Pathetic.

Tell him straight how you feel. Show him this thread. Don't worry about his reaction. He can like it or lump it. You get one life and you shouldn't have to live it being made to feel 'inadequate', 'sad' and 'not good enough'.

Fontella has summed it up perfectly.

And, OP, it's not respectful to ogle other women where-ever you two are, it's absolutely taking the piss out of you.

Let him go defensive, get angry and sulk for days, you are entitled to complain so stop making the first move.

Tbh, I don't see him changing.

For what it is worth, there are some webcam sites where you can watch quite a lot for free but have to pay if you want to interact with the performers or have a private show. In essence no different from watching a porn video except the performance is live.

< applauds fontella >

prh, what do you mean "for what it's worth" ? Are you saying that would be ok and that OP should not bother her silly little head about it ?

Not at all. If you check dictionaries you will find that the phrase means I am offering some information without any claim as to its importance.

Since the OP says that she thought you had to pay for webcam sites I thought it might be worthwhile explaining what you can get for free on some sites. It is entirely up to the OP whether or not she considers such sites to be worse than other forms of porn.

Glad to hear it, prh, although why people pop on threads like these to mitigate for porn users is quite beyond me.

AF she wasn't. She was explaining to the OP that the fact that she hasn't seen any transactions for these cam sites on their bank statements doesn't mean that he hasn't been using them as some of them are free.

She was trying to arm the OP with a little knowledge before she confronts her husband. Or rather that's how I read it (for what it's worth )

OP I agree that Fontella has it spot on. He needs to know how you feel and how his behaviour is making you feel. Good luck

she is a he, but it was the action of popping onto a thread to "explain" about porn that raised my eyebrows, not the gender

I think you find yourself in a situation where you can be thinking 'oh well at least you CAN access this sort of stuff free so at least he doesn't have a secret credit card that he isn't paying off AS WELL as a porn then you've probably a long way down a road and it's time to sit back and ask yourself WTF.

The thing is OP - you don't like this. You aren't comfortable with his use of porn and you can't ask him to stop because he becomes abusive. So this is a pretty huge issue in your relationship now. Worth suggesting you take a break and one of you moves out? Just suggesting it might make him see how much of a problem this is. If he is unwilling to change then you need to ask yourself would you be happier out of the marriage/

I have no idea what anyone's gender is on here!!

Don't see how gender of poster makes a difference tbh...