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Relationships

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Original poster

Can people cheat and it have no impact on their relationship?

47 replies

Whoopsiepoopsie · 04/05/2014 22:16

A drunken one night stand, no further contact.

Can this happen and the partner never finds out and everything carries on the same? Is cheating always indicative of deeper problems?

OP posts:

meditrina · 04/05/2014 22:25

A drunken one night stand is more understandable as a mistake. But to some less forgivable as it bespeaks a poor attitude.

It may or may not be indicative of wider problems. But I would say that he betraying spouse might benefit from individual counselling at his point to work out why they gave themselves permission to do it.

And of course, unless you are 100% sure a drunken condom was properly used, to have to lie to your spouse for the 3 months or so it takes all STIs to show up. Not a good position to bein.

magpiegin · 04/05/2014 22:32

If I had a drunken one night stand behind my husband's back I don't know if I could carry on the same. I would feel too guilty. As meditrina said, there is also the STD risk.

Springheeled · 04/05/2014 22:33

Depends whether the partner finds out, surely?

IWillIfHeWill · 04/05/2014 22:36

No, I don't think so. Despite my supporting the right of single women to avoid taking responsibility for other people's relationships, I do think that when two people are in a relationship, if one cheats then they take 'something' from the other even if the other never finds out. That something is the right to trust. You should be able to trust your partner. If they are doing the dirty, they should say.

fairylightsintheloft · 04/05/2014 22:38

ok, going to say this, then duck and cover but yes. Personally I have no issue separating sex and love, the two are (or can be) entirely unconnected. I have had more than a few casual encounters whilst being in long term relationships. Circumstances were such that there was no chance of the long term partner finding out and I went home the next day with no kind of lingering afterthoughts or anything else. A one off, purely physical thing makes not the slightest difference to how I feel about DH. To me, its like saying because I go out for dinner or the cinema with DH I can't do that with anyone else either. Sex is the same, its just an activity. I know I will get ripped to shreds for this but its how I feel. And yes, I would feel the same if DH came home and said he'd had a one nighter. My response would be "and"? It makes no difference UNLESS you let it. (I am assuming safe sex here by the way).

expatinscotland · 04/05/2014 22:39

Some people can, yes. I have known a few.

badbaldingballerina123 · 04/05/2014 23:24

I think it's indicative of deeper problems , either within yourself or your life. I also think it causes lack of respect towards the betrayed partner as in the unfaithful persons eyes , they will always be the chump who didn't know.

As fairy says , some people can easily separate sex and love. Then trouble is they often don't openly share this with their spouses , which indicates to me they are only ok with it as long as there doing it , and not their spouse.

fairylightsintheloft · 04/05/2014 23:43

nope - I never though the "betrayed partner" was a "chump who didn't know" Why would they know, they're not psychic - that's the whole point - it has NOTHING to do with them - not that they lack something or we lack something or anything else. A random physical encounter can be just that if you let it.

Chapsview · 04/05/2014 23:46

fairy completely agree with you - they can be totally seperate.

thecatfromjapan · 04/05/2014 23:54

Have you told your partner that that is the deal, thought, fairy ? Lots of my gay male friends have this sort of set-up. However, it is absolutely a ground rule that a. both partners are aware of the premise and b. both partners tend to be very open with each other about who has seen whosoever else, and when. There is a good deal of discussion and negotiation.

My suspicion is that not telling your partner you occasionally shag other people is not an indication that the sex-with-other does not matter, it is rather an indication that it does matter: hence the non-openness. And that makes it a trust (or lack of it) issue. Which is slow-release poison in a relationship.

Personally, I reckon that a lot of things are trust issues, and potentially corrosive, not just sex.

Mignonette · 04/05/2014 23:57

People do focus on the breaking of some marriage vows more than they do others. I'm not sure that breaking the vow to forsake all others is any more or less serious than not sharing all that you have with them etc etc.

However the cheating partner will always face more public disdain than a partner who fails to honour any other vow.

pombearsforbrunch · 04/05/2014 23:59

I'd say : open relationship where both parties know what's going on is totally ok. But cheating is something else, and not part of a healthy partnership. Not fair on the party left in the dark. It's a question of respect.

expatinscotland · 05/05/2014 00:01

Well, if it's an open relationship, though, it is not cheating.

Wrapdress · 05/05/2014 00:04

One night stand? It can be no harm, no foul.
Love affair? Can have huge impact on a relationship.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 05/05/2014 00:04

IMO, no.

One might say they're okay with it, but it's always going to get brought up in future arguments, held against them etc.

thecatfromjapan · 05/05/2014 00:16

Fair enough - that was to fairy - back to OP ...

Yes, I am sure some people can and do.

My guess is that you're not one of them. Just because you're posting here asking. Why do that??

Anyway. Only time will tell.

I'm guessing you won't come back to tell us whether you managed to take it to the grave with you.

expatinscotland · 05/05/2014 00:21

I had an ex boyfriend who really saw it all as just fucking, except when someone did it to him. He was a disrespectful cunt weasel who became furious after he broke up with me and then found out I shagged several people, one even within 24 hours of his telling me 'the fairytale is over' (aw, I was so upset, not), called me a slut - I laughed and laughed.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 05/05/2014 00:25

What a prick expat. Glad you binned him.

thecatfromjapan · 05/05/2014 00:30

I'm glad you binned him, expat. Love the "fairytale".

Just think, some poor person probably ended up stuck with him.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 05/05/2014 00:34

We should be able to brand them.

I split up with my horrible dickhead twatface of an ex 4 years ago. He's now got 2 children and him and his DP smoke crack, take pills and have smashed 2 houses up so far. Horrible :(

expatinscotland · 05/05/2014 00:36

Probably. Some nitwit. He didn't want anyone with a brain, he wanted a fucktoy. I went back to get my stuff and he was all like, 'I heard from L that you fucked S. He's been telling everyone. He's 13 years older than you!' I shrugged, 'Yeah, well, we're both single. He's a good fuck. He doesn't keep hassling me to do 69 every single time, how boring.'

That's when he started all the slut, ignorant bitch comments. Luckily I had a pair of mates there who were ballsy beyond belief and we grabbed my stuff and bailed. 'Go on back to S!' he shouted. 'Why would I do that?' I yelled back, 'I'm already living with another man.'

TequilaMockingbirdy · 05/05/2014 00:37

God he sounds like an arsehat.

They soon come out with the slut, bitch, fat comments don't they?

You weren't saying that at the time fuckface

expatinscotland · 05/05/2014 00:38

Yes, he was one to pontificate on how sex was 'just' a physical act, like eliminating waste and eating, how he'd shagged women whose forenames began with every single letter in the alphabet, blah blah blah.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 05/05/2014 00:39

No, I don't think that it's possible. It might be for other people, but not me. If you want to shag other people you either need to find someone who would be happy in an "open" relationship or be single.

expatinscotland · 05/05/2014 00:39

Oh, fat was the one thing he couldn't use, but yes, slut, ignorant bitch, mentalist, nympho.

You should have heard some of the things my mates came out with :o.

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