Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Can people cheat and it have no impact on their relationship?

47 replies

Whoopsiepoopsie · 04/05/2014 22:16

A drunken one night stand, no further contact.

Can this happen and the partner never finds out and everything carries on the same? Is cheating always indicative of deeper problems?

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 05/05/2014 00:39

I think cheating would only have no impact on a relationship if it was already shit to begin with.

Cheating is not part of an honest, happy, mutually respectful relationship.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 05/05/2014 00:41

Ha glad you have good friends expat Unfortunately mine were the ones he was cheating with...

expatinscotland · 05/05/2014 00:42

I find these 'just sex' types, who can separate it, and I'm not saying they can't, are usually, but not always, the types who are open about it at the outset, discuss, set out ground rules and boundaries.

expatinscotland · 05/05/2014 00:43

They can be separate, I agree, but then you're either single and or you are in an open relationship. Some people are. But then, it's not cheating.

expatinscotland · 05/05/2014 00:44

aren't usually, sorry.

thecatfromjapan · 05/05/2014 00:53

I know what you mean, expat, and I agree.

Cheating is something quite different from the ability to shag other people when in a relationship.

I think the ability to cheat (and lie - because it is lying, if only by omission), in an intimate relationship, and for a long time, isn't quite as widespread as we sometimes think.

It's a really interesting question, actually.

My h lied to me, about something other than sex, for a long, long time. It did affect our relationship, ultimately. I think it did indicate there were problems generally. And I often wonder what underlay the fact that I didn't "see" the thing I was being lied to about.

It all came out in the end.

I am really curious as to how many people do manage to sustain relationships with secrets and lying at their heart, for a long time (I'm thinking 20+ years). I wonder if there is a level of collusion?

I really, really am curious now.

WildBill · 05/05/2014 01:04

Well I'm aware of 4 male colleagues in long (15 + years) marriages who have all had 2+ affairs of varying lengths and the wives are non the wiser. It happens a lot.
Thcatfromjapan - don't think it's so much collusion more that after 15+ years maybe complacency sets in.

Another colleague is a serial philanderer, his wife knows, doesn't like it but stays with him.

expatinscotland · 05/05/2014 01:14

Bet their wives know, because I've met plenty of women in marriages that long who have had just as many, or more, affairs themselves. The one who was a serial philanderer and the wife stayed with him, due to money, mostly, had affairs with just about every male member of staff they employed, men at the country club, her husband's golf and tennis partners, the tennis pro, etc.

expatinscotland · 05/05/2014 01:15

One of my ex h's colleagues used to screw prostitiutes in Mexico. He thoght he was so sly, his wife was none the wiser, etc.

I wonder if he ever found out that 'his' first child isn't his biologically, but his old boss's. his boss just loved sending him away for work.

thecatfromjapan · 05/05/2014 01:24

You know, I also find it odd that we don;t regard people who cheat in relationships as being a bit crazy.

Say you have a child, who is stealing and hiding food. You'd say: "Sweetheart, why are you doing that? The food is here, it's yours. Just say if you're hungry. Don;t steal it and hide it."

So an adult, who has the option of being open, and honest, and saying if they want to have an open relationship ...

Is it really about the sex, then? Or is it about the secrecy? And the cheating? Is it all about power, and the ability to cheat? And the need to not have an adult, honest relationship between two, adult, equals?

I guess that is what is at the heart of my wondering: is it actually all about a desire to be a child, and a fear of adulthood?

I'm sure it is about sexual attraction sometimes.

But I'll bet it isn;t all the time.

I reckon the psychology of cheating, when it is about cheating, is really weird, and quite fetishistic.

But what do I know? I just don;t know a wide enough sample.

thecatfromjapan · 05/05/2014 01:26

People are really strange.

But you do tell really good stories about them, expat. So there is a silver lining to the oddness.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2014 06:41

I've known people do this without any long-lasting problems.

WildBill · 05/05/2014 09:35

Cat - I think there are as many reasons for affairs as people who have them.
It can be just sex etc but (and mn often fails to acknowledge this), it can be about Love too. There are many many reasons/combinations of reasons.

Thislife · 05/05/2014 09:44

Can someone genuinely love their partner but still shag around, keeping everything compartmentalised?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2014 09:50

I think some achieve that. After all we can 'genuinely love' lots of people and lots of things simultaneously in the normal course of events and be entirely consistent. There's also that huge human capacity for self-deception and rationalisation when tricky things like rules or morals get in the way of us doing what we fancy. :) "Everyone else using their mobile phone in the car is a selfish idiots. I can use my mobile phone when I'm driving because I'm very competent and the call was important"

FellawithaBella · 05/05/2014 10:16

I think it is important not to beat yourself up about it because you are a human being.

Various cultures have handled these things differently and even our own has changed through time, but one thing is common, there has always been a sleeping with more than one person over the course of a lifetime and there has always been some kind of institution like marriage, primarily for the benefit of raising children but also for looking after each other in times of illness and old age.

I think it's fair to say that both are a very important part of being human. For me, I have slept around, and I know that my wife has as well, but we never told each other. (we've both happened upon written evidence)

We made a bargain when we got married which was if it ever happened, don't ever tell the other one. That's the most awful, spiteful, selfish thing you can probably do. So either live with it and enjoy your marriage or break up and find someone else, but don't put your self imposed burden on someone else. Woman up and be proud of who you are!

Joysmum · 05/05/2014 11:00

Cheating is a betrayal of trust. Lying by omission is a continued betrayal of trust that is worse than the original discretion because it takes away the right of the betrayed to make their own decision on what they want to from life.

fairylightsintheloft · 05/05/2014 12:05

thislife yes is the simple answer. I cant explain the process more simply than just to say that I see sex as any other activity. Its just skin. It genuinely has no impact on any other relationship. I am not racked with guilt, I don't behave oddly or feel the need to confess. Dh knows how I feel about this and I have also told him that if he had a one off I wouldn't need to know or care.

thecatfromjapan · 05/05/2014 12:07

Sorry, we went a long way from the OP.

OK. OP, if you are still there:

You, really, are the only one who knows the answer to this - in your particular situation. We can give general answers (and the general answer is "I guess 'yes' sometimes") but I think that is no help to you.

I think you posted in order to know the future. We can't tell you that.

The way you have phrased your question (mentioning the problems) makes me think you have your own worries about your relationship. Is that true? What are they? Can you work them out? -- don't answer that here, maybe just think about it.

The fact you mentioned "no further contact" - something about that is making me wonder. Do you really want no further contact?

Only you can tell whether it is possible to tell your partner; if it is possible to keep a secret from your partner; if you will be OK keeping a secret from your partner. It depends so much on the people involved. Some people find it eats away at them. Some people find that telling was the worst thing they could do: their partner really would have been OK to have not been told (one poster has said that this is shat they would like). Some people would get past the fact a partner slept with someone else because they would value the truth. And many more varieties!

Where do you and your partner fall in all this?

Good luck.

FellawithaBella · 05/05/2014 12:17

I think that depends Joysmum, on who you and your partner are and why you married that person, but it can certainly be a betrayal of trust if your trust is based around having sex, never kissing/flirting with someone else.

For my relationship we have absolute trust that we will not leave each other for sex reasons and that we will love each other no matter what. For others, not so much. But we are both strong, independent people.
It's probably about recognizing the humanity in your partner and still loving them, not some jealous pique.

If the person that had sex with someone else feels like they have to tell the other, think about WHY they need to do so. Almost 100% of the time it's so the "cheater" can make themselves feel better. There is nothing good that the spouse gets out of hearing about it, nothing.

If you were my wife and cheated on me Joysmum, I would be incensed that you told me and would see that as WAY more selfish than actually sleeping with someone, and that is the thing that would make me want to leave you more than anything. But everyone is different.

brokenhearted55a · 05/05/2014 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weathergames · 05/05/2014 14:28

I had a drunken one night stand last summer while my OH of 4 years was away for 4 months (Navy) we have a mostly happy relationship and there was no reason for me to do this other than I was away on a hen weekend and I was lonely . It was not my proudest moment and when OH came home I felt terrible having a "secret" between us.

I confessed in January and initially he was ok. Unbeknown to me he went back onto a dating website (using a picture of us at a party with me cropped out!!) and dated and slept with several women, one of them he had a full on (fabricated) relationship with and she knew nothing about our life together several hundred miles away.

He ended our relationship very abruptly via text a month after he began his affair (I was at this point unaware) saying he didn't love me anymore and refused to communicate with me for several weeks - even to discuss picking up his stuff/car. OW then found out about me and everything went to shit (she contacted me via Facebook) and he has given me an STI (nice).

He then realised love is not a tap he can just switch on and off and that he does still love me and wants to be with me, and that he has created a big mess hurting several other innocent people. I did however start this. After a lot of soul searching I have chosen to give things another go as I love him, we did have a good relationship, fancy each other, are happy together.

This has hurt us both massively and I have had to have time off work and am currently on anti delressents. I hope we make it and building the trust for us both again is very challenging.

If I could relive the past few months again I don't know if I would've confessed as the fall out has been horrific.

I do however have a more open and honest relationship with the man I love and I know 100% that I would never ever cheat or jepordise what we have again.

Flip

1 2